Kenny Likes

Yes! This is the best day ever. Want to know why? Because my team, The New England Freaking Patriots has the best record in the entire NFL. 18-1 boys. 18-1. That's more than I can say for Peyton's brother. Congrats you won the last game of the year. No one gives a what. I mean, I basically went undefeated until yesterday. Kind of Amazing.

Welcome. You're all here today because you want to be a member of Alpha Epsilon Pi. I'm assuming you all know this is the Jewish fraternity, but university code says we can't openly discriminate against those who wish to rush. Having said that, Meeshocky, what're you trying to pull? I can smell a dirty Palestinian a mile away. Go smoke hookah somewhere else. Get the hell outta here.

You too Chen Li. We know you only want our Morgan Stanley connections. Not happening, pal. Hit the road.

As the rest of you know, this is the Jewish New Year, so let's get things started right. You obviously want to join this fraternity for it's countless perks. I'll just highlight some quickly in case you didn't already know. But before I start, Anthony, the exit is over there. That nose may pass in some places but not here. I can taste the proscuitto stromboli twenty feet away. Leave the stromboli, take your ass outta here. Is that the Godfather line? Doesn't matter. Leave.

Let's start with a couple notable alumni. I'll just list a couple randoms. Samuel Zell, real-estate entrepreneur, co-founder and Chairman of Equity International, a real-estate private equity firm. Sanford Weill, Co-chairman, Citigroup. Fred Silverman, Independent Producer, Former President NBC Television. Abe Saperstein, Former owner of Harlem Globetrotters.

Speaking of the Globetrotters, Jackson, get out of here. And don't give me that black Jew sh*t. I'm hip to your smooth jive. Do you even know what Rush Hashanah is about? It's the beginning of an epic new semester. The Feast of Trumpets. The blowing of the ram's horn, the mother f*ckin shofar! Why haven't you left yet?