Hey guys - next time you say "I really like you, but I can't handle a relationship," think of how dumb you sound. This is my loose translation: "You're too nice. I need a slut so when I cheat on her, she won't mind as much since she's doing the same thing."

How many guys have ever heard a hot girl complain that she can't get guys? That's not true - you can get guys, you just can't get NICE guys. You know why? Because instead of flirting with them, you spend all your time together talking about how you can't get guys.

Nine times out of ten, if a reasonably attractive girl were to approach a guy at a bar and say "will you walk me home," he will. Nine times out of ten, if a reasonably attractive guy were to approach a girl at a bar and say "will you walk me," he'll get ignored by the time he says "home."

You know what "I just want to be friends" really means? It means "I'm too much of a weenie to tell the truth." If any guy tells you this and actually calls you, hangs out with you, and confides in you like any other friend, let me know. They haven't awarded this year's Nobel Prizes yet, and I think he's a contender.

Guys and girls are both constantly out looking, yet they can never seem to find each other. You know why? Because no one ever admits what they really want. There should be a list of people who are looking for relationships, another for people looking for hookups, and a third for people who want something substantial, but will settle for drunken meaningless sex when it comes. Only with honesty can the youth of America truly find happiness.

Like this column? Then buy the book!

View Article

Columbia says that they don't give athletic scholarships. And if you don't believe them, just go to one of our football games.

I watch Sportscenter a lot, and I get frustrated that Columbia teams are never on TV. Well, there was that one time that another school clinched against us. We were all so proud.

I work with the sports department of the Columbia radio station, which means I get to travel with the team to all the cool places they go. New Haven, Hanover, Providence. Yee-haw.

There's a commercial that's been playing during the NCAA Tournament telling college athletes not to gamble - except it's shot on Columbia's campus. Yeah, our football team had a FOUR-YEAR losing streak, and betting is our biggest problem. If you want to shoot an anti-gambling commercial, go to Arizona or UNLV. If you want to write a commercial telling student-athletes not to lose dozens of games in a row, give us a call.

The Columbia baseball team began the season 1-14, and the sad part is not their record. The sad part is that it's not considered so bad.

Like this column? Then buy the book!

View Article

I was told that student-athletes at Duke and Stanford have it tougher than those at other sports schools like Maryland or USC, since Duke and Stanford are also known for rigorous academics. Yeah, the 7-foot kid who can't speak English but manages to be a communications major has it real tough.

Some football teams have drinking problems, but mine doesn't. My drinking team has a football problem.

Every year, students riot when their team loses late in the NCAA tournament, regardless of their seeding. And its absolutely the only time that college students burn stuff and shatter a bunch of beer bottles. Except for at parties.

Why does everyone in North Carolina grow up following college basketball? There are so many other things to do there. Like strip clubs, liquor stores, and gun shops for instance.

I found out that ballroom dancing is a club sport at my school. I don't want to offend anyone, but what asshole let this happen? If something is a sport, you either need snow, a vehicle, or a ball. And while I don't care if it's snowing or if any of them can drive, I'm sure that guys who letters in ballroom dancing have no balls whatsoever.

Like this column? Then buy the book!

View Article

Formals are just insane college parties with people dressed nicer. You still chug beer, you still play drinking games, there's always one couple making out half way through it - but you know what really keeps it classy? Suits.

What keeps me from getting too drunk at parties is that I made myself a promise - if I ever hurl in my room, the hallway, or the bathroom, I force myself to clean it up the next day. Actually, I still get just as drunk - but now I have better aim.

When you leave a party at 5:00 AM, no matter how important that call to your girlfriend seems at the time, just let it go. She'll still be there tomorrow. Well, only if you don't call her now.

Why do people prefer parties that are numbered? House Party 3. Big Jam 7. It might be the first time we throw a party, but my fraternity will arbitrarily call it number 28 anyway. We've heard too many first-semester freshmen say, "we can't miss this party man, it's a tradition" not to capitalize on it.

Some people are only comfortable at parties if they are on their way somewhere. You know the guy - he gets a drink, he goes to the bathroom, he walks outside to smoke, he checks his voicemail. Sure, he looks like he's important. But by the end of the night, he's had 15 drinks, peed a dozen times, smoked a pack of cigarettes, and found out that the reason he doesn't have voicemail is because he's never actually talked to anyone.

Like this column? Then buy the book!

View Article

Who decides where the "in" spring break is every year? One year it's Cancun, one year it's Miami Beach, one year it's St. Thomas. I would love to be the one to decide, just so I could be like, "yeah, this year it's Cleveland."

What professors assign work over break? Don't they understand that it's tough to do the reading during a keg stand?

The thing that I am dreading most about the impending good weather is what I call "ugly warm day". You know what I mean - the first day that it's warm enough for shorts and tight shirts, everyone wears them - regardless of how disgustingly ugly they are. Suddenly, you realize that those puffy North Face coats aren't such a bad thing.

You know that "Too Hot For TV" with all the footage of girls stripping during spring break? Their angle is that these are prototypical college girls out on break, and so they advertise it as "the girls next door". I know the girls next door - and I can assure you that no one would pay $9.95 to see them naked.

I understand that spring is year-round in some places. But in the Northeast, there's snow on the ground right now. My friend just made a snow sculpture of a tropical drink with a little umbrella in it. I hope God appreciated the irony.

Like this column? Then buy the book!

View Article

There's one CD compilation that advertises "today's hottest dance music", and they lead with C&C Music factory. I bought it right away, and then I put on my leg warmers and snap bracelets and roller-skated to the premier of "Rambo."

The E! True Hollywood story says that they tell the story you never heard. Dana Plato? Mariel Hemmingway? Herve Villachez? Sure I've never heard those stories. I don't think I was listening.

It's okay for a college to make a TV commercial. But if they do, at least use students that are not really frightening. Do you remember that old commercial for Drake Institute, with everyone saying "Hey Drake, give me a break"? My favorite was the guy who said "Ha Dwaake, ge ma a baaake". That year there was a 30% increase in applications among students who sounded like they were melting.

Have you ever seen "Street Smarts"? That's the show where a host walks around malls, parks, and other public places to prove that society is crumbling.

My impression of the Psychic Friends Network: "I'm looking at the taro cards and they tell me that your life sucks. That'll be $2.95." Of course your life sucks - you're calling the damn Psychic Friends Network. How hard would it be to guess this guy's future? "The cards are telling me that you live in a trailer, work at Arby's, and one of your relatives just died - otherwise you wouldn't have enough disposable income to call me."

Like this column? Then buy the book!

View Article