Steve Hofstetter's Articles

4 total in May 2001
  • College - The Internet

    The transition between being at school and being at home is tough. Your laundry is done for you, all your meals are home cooked, and you never have homework. But trying to use Napster without a high speed connection is just too tough to handle.

    Do you know the one guy who checks his email only once a week, because he says he doesn't want to be a slave to technology? And what's more important, do you have his cell phone number?

    The AOL people have come up with a series of faces that denote emotions for when you're IMing with someone -happy, surprised, upset, tired, etc. But I find them pretty limiting. So often I need to use a face for "no one wants to talk to you, stop IMing me" and it's just not there. Maybe they could add an icon of my middle finger.

    A friend of mine keeps signing off IM lately because her mom usually uses the home computer to run the family business. This is the same woman that can't figure out how to change the channel on the cable box instead of on the TV, and hasn't learned to reset the microwave clock because daylight savings time is only six months anyway.

    On Instant Messenger, "lol" means "laugh out loud" and "rofl" means "rolling on the floor laughing," but people constantly use them in the wrong place. Why? "No, I'm laughing, I swear. In fact, I am actually rolling on my floor, but miraculously I can still type." If you want to stop people from doing this, use "lol" when you talk to them in person. Nothing kills a joke faster than turning to whoever told it and emphatically saying, "That's hysterical! Lol!"

    Like this column? Then buy the book!





  • College - Books

    I was upset at my bookstore for paying me so little for my used books. I'd hardly call anything still shrink-wrapped in cellophane "used."

    I had an economics professor who assigns $200 worth of books to 400 students twice a year. If she really knew anything about economics, she'd have opened her own bookstore.

    Some professors assign one main book and list the rest as "suggested reading." Except there is no such thing as "suggested reading." What your teacher means by that is "this is the crap that will be on the test that you'll forget to study. Remember not to read it when you get the chance."

    How cool would it be if there were a book just of important terms, people, and places for each subject? And you know you'd still read only the last page of each chapter.

    You can't use Cliffs Notes for contemporary novels. But I'm kind of curious if I'm the only one who still doesn't read the book and tries to read the Amazon.com user feedback instead.

    Like this column? Then buy the book!





  • College - Moving Out

    Those little carts you get to help move your stuff out of your dorm are a godsend. Those things are the perfect size to carry one or two of your possessions at once so it takes you only 14 trips instead of 20. Whew.

    At my school, you have plenty of time to move out after your last final. I mean, it's at least three hours.

    Now is the time of year where everyone crams. I'm not talking about for finals - I mean your hall mate's father holding the elevator while he tries to cram it with everything she owns. Good thing he has one of those handy carts.

    All my friends have spent the last few days alternating between packing and parenting-proof their rooms. You don't realize how many empty liquor bottles, cigarette cartons, and drunken pictures of yourself you own until you try to hide them all at once. You're going to say it so many times, you may as well have "uh, those are my roommate's" tattooed on your forehead.

    Moving out is sad because it's the last time you'll see any of your floor mates again. Not seniors - freshmen who realize that they're only friends with these people because they happen to live down the hall.

    Like this column? Then buy the book!





  • College - Studying

    I have an intricate system of studying. First, I prepare flashcards from my notes. Then, I test myself on the material. If I have enough time, I'll read the timelines and all the highlighted stuff in the book, and take notes on what I don't know. Then, I copy off the kid next to me.

    Teachers assigning their own books for an exam is one of the more obnoxious things there is. "There's been some brilliant commentary written on this subject that I think you should all read. Mine!"

    Studying with other people always helps me. So I've started to think that maybe I'm dumber than everyone else.

    Has anyone ever offered to split the reading with you before a final? Yeah, that's a great idea - between the two of you, you'll get an A! Good thing the professor lets you take the exam in pairs.

    You don't know real exhaustion until you come to finals. I don't mind the studying - but after you check your e-mail 40 times in one day, you get pretty wiped out.

    Like this column? Then buy the book!





  • Steve Hofstetter Columbia

    About Me

    Steve is the most booked comedian on the college market, and would be playing your school shortly if you got off your fat ass and requested him.

    CollegeHumor.com's original columnist, Hofstetter is currently enjoying his status as the sketchy old guy. The host of the syndicated Sports Minute (Or So), Hofstetter is a regular on radio stations everywhere, and not just when he calls to request Enya.

    His new album, "Cure for the Cable Guy" is available in stores and on itunes, and is extremely popular with everyone except Larry the Cable Guy. Jay Leno compared him to a young Jerry Seinfeld, which is awesome because Jerry Seinfeld is very funny. His half million MySpace and Facebook friends agree.

    He also thinks you're hot.

    View profile
    Send a message

    Calendar

    BFF

    Onion Sports has quickly become the nation's number-one site for hard-hitting sports news, stats, and information that isn't true. If you hadn't figured this out yet, what The Onion is to news, Onion Sports is to sports.