I've been a smoker for three years. I've never touched a cigarette, but if you go to a college bar and breathe, you're a smoker.

A friend of mine only smokes when she sees her parents. Which would be fine if she didn't live with them.

Some people say they're social smokers because they only smoke in social situations. It's impressive that these people can find a pack a day worth of social situations.

I had one friend who said he wasn't a smoker because he never bought his own cigarettes. He never paid for lunch either but I never saw him go hungry.

I went into one of those walk-in freezer rooms at a grocery store with a friend of mine, and she wasn't cold at all. Then I realized that this is the same girl who wears pajamas outside in a snowstorm just to have a few puffs of a cigarette.

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I believe that every girl is entitled to bring some emotional baggage into a relationship. But no more than two carry-on items and they have to be small enough to stow under the seat in front of you.

Girls - no matter how important they are to you, guys do not look at your shoes. And even if we do, we do not know the difference between Jimmy Choos and Manalo Blahniks. And I hadn't even heard of those until I asked my girlfriend for the name of two kinds of women's shoes to complete that sentence.

Do you know what a DUFF is? If you're a guy, you probably do. It's a Designated Ugly Fat Friend, that hot girls usually have to test how much a guy really likes them. The DUFF tries to intercept you, and the hot girl, however subconsciously, sees how you interact with her. But it's okay because guys have their own secret weapon: their buddy with a girlfriend who can distract the DUFF while you continue the conversation. We don't have a short nickname for him, but we usually call him "the guy that takes one for the team."

Hey girls, you know what will make you stand out at a bar? Wear black pants, a solid color semi-low cut top, boots, and big hoop earrings. But here's a real tip - we do not care what you are wearing, as long as we can convince ourselves you won't be wearing it for that much longer.

Lets face it: guys are dumb and girls are crazy. Girls do irrational things for no apparent reason and then expect you to know why, and refuse to apologize for it. But even knowing and accepting that, I still do things that I know will set someone off. Why? Because I'm a guy, and guys are dumb. See how this works?

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Some people get very obsessive about how they drink beer. They must have the exact right brand of beer, served cold but not too cold, preferably in bottles but pitchers are also acceptable, provided that it's served with glasses instead of cups and the glasses are chilled. See, I have the same order every time too: "whatever's on special."

Would Mexico's economy be in less trouble if they could get away with charging $5 for a Corona?

Have you ever had a friend get mad at you for drinking the wrong kind of beer? "Man, what the hell are you doing? That stuff sucks!" Yeah, but this stuff was $8.50 for a case of 24. When you start going to the Four Seasons instead of McDonalds, we'll talk.

If warm Budweiser tastes like piss, does cold piss taste like Budweiser? Because man, I could use the money.

When you first come to college, beer paraphernalia is very cool, and so you collect all of it that you can. But by graduation, it sort of wears off, and you're left with three happy hour banners, a bag full of coasters, eight pint glasses that you stole from a bar, four promotional pins that used to blink, and three dozen empty beer bottles. But don't throw it away. Give it to a freshman who, for the next four years, will think beer paraphernalia is very cool.

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Only in a college town can you get a hot dog and cheese fries at 3:00 AM. And only in a college town will you have spend ten minutes on a line while you wait for it.

My advice is to try to get a dorm with a kitchen. That way you have a place to keep the forks you use to eat all the take-out Chinese food you get every night instead of cooking.

This year, my school added a stir-fry bar to one of the dining halls. Which is great for everyone bored of eating stuff cooked by professionals. Now, we can pay an extra dollar and screw up the meal ourselves.

I had one friend who decided that because the dining hall was all you can eat, he'd get his money's worth. So my 125-pound friend packed on two-dozen extra pounds freshman year from stuffing his face with moderate tasting food every night until he was sick. I don't think he won that battle.

Sometimes, when you ask one of the cashiers to get you something, they get all pissed at you like you are wrong and insensitive to expect them to serve you, and so you get apologetic because you didn't mean to bother them while they were comfortably reading their magazine. But then you realize that they're getting PAID to serve you. Now if you could only impart this knowledge to them somewhat more politely than "hey, my tuition pays your salary," things just might work out.

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