Orientation is a bad name for a week when everyone parties and has no classes. If I've learned anything about orientation week, it's that you're bound to wake up very disoriented.

Why do schools schedule any orientation programs before 10:00 AM? You can't even wake up for class by noon, why would you even think of getting up to hear about the detailed workings of the cafeteria? Especially if it isn't going to be on the final.

My orientation advisor told me that by the end of the week, we'd be very orientated, and that gave me great confidence. Not because I had been nervous about not being orientated, but because I figured if he could pass freshman composition, I'd be fine.

My favorite orientation game is the one where you try to see how many people's names you can forget in one day.

If colleges really knew what students wanted, orientation would be a lot different. First you'd have a quiz on the campus map. Then you'd be issued your fake ID, and given a list of which bars will accept it. You'd receive a syllabus to every class (ranked in order of how much reading there is), and you'd get a brochure about which foods to stay away from in the dining hall. You'd learn how to check your college email, get a tutorial on the first 10 levels of Snood, and find out where all the cliff notes are in the campus library. If all that doesn't prepare you for college, nothing will.

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Some cars come with TVs, fold-away seats, speaker phones, 10-CD changers, and satellite-guided computer systems. But not one comes with a way to get rid of your empty cups and wrappers. I swear I'll invent the first car tailored for road trips. "The Ford Explorer: College Edition. Now with passenger-side steering, eight cup holders, no seat belts, and driver-side trash bags."

Why are their luggage stores at the airport? I have NEVER been that late.

In some upper class hotels, they leave two bottles of water in every room, and you owe $5 if you drink them. Which is so enticing - considering the bottled water is both warm AND next to the sink.

If I had one piece of advice for anyone in high school, it's to pretend you don't know how to drive while you're in college. My friends tell me that being able to drive gives them freedom. But I can drink when we go to bars and sleep during road trips. Who is the free one now?

When you get directions online, they come with a warning that says "it's a good idea to do a reality check and make sure the road still exists." You're laughing now, but what an embarrassing way to die. You drive off a cliff, and at your funeral everyone is talking about how you should have listened to Yahoo.

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One of my favorite things to do is remember back to the times you first met people, and think about how you treated them differently than you do now. It's especially fun when you flirted with that bitch down the hall, you told your TA that you never do the reading, or you tried to get on your best friend's sister.

The best place to meet people is not at a bookstore, not at the library, and it's certainly not at a party. It's in class, the first day of the semester. Almost any opening line works, but you usually can't fail with "Do you know anything about this professor?"

I usually forget people's names a second after I'm introduced to them. I think its because I'm concentrating so hard on remembering my own name that I don't even hear theirs.

There are some people in college who are your constant acquaintances. They're in your lit class, you have a mutual friend, or maybe they were on your hall freshman year. But every once in a while, they'll be your closest friend - when they see you in a bar talking to someone they think is hot.

When you forget someone's name, the typical thing you do is to joke about how you must have been drunk when you met them. This works in college. This does NOT work in real life. "Oh, we met at that staff meeting last week? I'm sorry about that. I must have been totally wasted."

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No one ever turns down free beer. You could be drunk, on medication, throwing up, and allergic to hops. But you know what else you are? Poor.

There are two types of girls in college: girls who don't drink beer, and girls who do keg stands.

Politicians call 5 or more beers in one sitting binge drinking. I know some people who call it breakfast.

I once walked into a bar and saw a girl drinking my favorite drink: too much.

If you go to the website of any beer company, they ask your birthday to validate your age. I'm looking forward to the technology that allows you to hold your ID up to the screen while avoiding eye contact and pretending to be involved in a conversation with the guy next to you.

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