Steve Hofstetter's Articles

4 total in October 2001

  • College - Halloween II

    This Halloween I wore cat ears, angel wings, and carried a pitch fork, and went as every freaking girl on my campus.

    When Halloween falls on a Saturday, you get to party for three days. When if falls on a Monday, you party for five. This year it falls on a Wednesday, so that should be 7 days of partying. But something feels weird to me about a Halloween party on October 25th. Maybe because you can't get away with smacking someone in the back of the head during the last week of March and telling them that it's April Fool's Day weekend.

    Have you ever looked at someone's costume and thought "Wow, that's incredibly creative"? What you should really be saying is "why do you own that?"

    I know a girl who spent $100 on the perfect Halloween costume that she wore for three hours. But she can't spend the extra 50 cents to avoid drinking Natty Lite.

    When you're a kid, Halloween is a time you have good wholesome fun with a bunch of other neighborhood kids, but when you get to college it's just an excuse to drink. Kind of like class.

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  • College - Papers

    I find that when I just ramble and accidentally arrive at a conclusion, I get a B+ or an A-. So sometimes I use note cards to meticulously plan out what I'm going to write in the most succinct way possible, and I usually get a B+ or an A-. But then I've also spent 79 cents on note cards so I feel better about myself.

    Plenty of people have written papers on books they've never read. But to write a paper on a book you've never even seen - that's the mark of a true professional.

    Why do professors still say 10-15 pages? Why can't they just say nine pages with five lines on the tenth page?

    Some people use font tricks like courier new or arial, or page tricks like margins or headings. I say the best way to add a line here and there is to be wordy where it counts. Find paragraphs whose last line extends near the end of the page and play around with synonyms until one word falls on the next line. Then use courier new and extend the margins.

    Getting caught plagiarizing is the dumbest thing I've ever heard of. With all these online translating services we have now, translate the paper from English to German, then from German to French, and from French to English. Clean up the grammar, and it may as well be yours.

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  • College - Drinking

    After 2 AM on a weekend, Instant Messenger should have a sobriety test. If you come home and can't type "I'm not saying this because I'm drunk, I really think you should come over" with less than three mistakes, it'd be better off for everyone if you just went to sleep.

    I'm going to start marketing "the college diet." You eat normally, but then you binge drink the whole night. Not only do you undigest all the food you had in the last 12 hours, if you do it right you won't want to think about food til about 6:00 the next day. Jenny Craig, eat your heart out.

    Passing out on your bed with a high blood alcohol level is nothing. Waking up the next day still legally drunk - now that's impressive.

    You know you have a drinking problem when the bartender tells you to call ahead if you can't make it so he doesn't worry.

    I have a number of friends who get drunk on different amounts. But the one thing they all do is try to convince me how they're not drunk. You just made out with the trashy girl from your freshman floor, threw a drink at the big guy at the end of the bar, and cursed at the cops as they drove by. But you're fine.

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  • College - Fake IDs

    Using an "international student" fake ID to get into a bar is the second biggest scam there is. The biggest is the guy who pocketed $60 selling you an ID that'll never work.

    Getting a family member's old license is cool if you look anything like them. But if you're a 6'4 blonde, do not try to use your 5'6" brunette brother's ID. Betty White and Barry White have the same last name too but you don't see them passing for each other.

    Fake IDs are not made to fool bouncers - they're made to be good enough for the bouncers to decide to allow you in. These guys know that anything with evidence of a dot matrix printer, nail polish, or a holographic key is a fake. They also know that they have no job unless you buy drinks.

    Never argue with a bouncer about your fake ID. You were caught. You're done. It's over. Go home. Do you think acting indignant will possibly get you in? That's like your credit card company calling because your bill is three months late and you saying "Dude, the check is really, really in the mail."

    Paying $20 for a bad fake ID is like buying half a pair of pants. You really need the whole thing to be let in anywhere.

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    • Steve Hofstetter Columbia

    About Me

    Steve is the most booked comedian on the college market, and would be playing your school shortly if you got off your fat ass and requested him.

    CollegeHumor.com's original columnist, Hofstetter is currently enjoying his status as the sketchy old guy. The host of the syndicated Sports Minute (Or So), Hofstetter is a regular on radio stations everywhere, and not just when he calls to request Enya.

    His new album, "Cure for the Cable Guy" is available in stores and on itunes, and is extremely popular with everyone except Larry the Cable Guy. Jay Leno compared him to a young Jerry Seinfeld, which is awesome because Jerry Seinfeld is very funny. His half million MySpace and Facebook friends agree.

    He also thinks you're hot.

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