Girls and guys punctuate their anger differently. Girls can blame PMS for being upset, and it's just accepted that guys are assholes. So girls blame their period, while guys blame their colon.

When you're a senior in a long-term relationship, some of your friends start asking you if you're going to get married. Married? Sure. The happy couple is registered for a six of Beast, a lovely set of Red Hook pint glasses, and half a bottle of Jack.

Hooking up with someone for the first time can be unnerving because everybody has their own style. And no matter how well things are going, you can never say "the last person I was with really liked me to do this swirly thing with my tongue. How about you?"

When guys lose weight, they like hearing about it. When girls lose weight, you can tell them they look incredible, but you can't say why. I once told a friend of mine that the summer had been good to her and she looked like she lost at least ten pounds. So of course that meant I was saying she was fat and ugly before.

Meeting the parents is the second biggest step in a college relationship. Actually going on a date instead of spending all your time together in one of your rooms - now that's big.

Guys - want to hook up with that really hot girl from your English class? Actually ask her out to dinner. She'll be so impressed with someone that wants to do more than sit at a bar and play quarters, the rest is easy.

Did you know that girls are all part of a vast network of spies? When a guy likes a girl, his friends might mention if they saw her talking to another guy. When a girl has a crush on someone, her friends memorize his class schedule, know where he ate lunch, and call her every time they see someone who has the same jacket.

When your girlfriend makes you watch N*SYNC, it's not so bad. When she tells all of your friends about it, that's pretty bad.

I see girls look through magazines and say "Oh, I hate her, she's so pretty." You will never hear guys say anything like that about other guys. Guys try to make friends with good-looking guys because guys can do people-math. If ten girls want the same guy, some of them are going to have to be distracted.

Waking up with someone you care about is a great feeling. Except if you have a hangover and you're only getting up because they have an 8:00 AM class. Then it sucks.

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Most colleges have huge ever-expanding libraries with hundreds of thousands of books, so they need a complex system of numbers and maps to tell you exactly which shelf your book was supposed to be on before it was misplaced.

I know someone who doesn't go into the stacks because he's afraid to walk in on people hooking up. Of course, he'll still go to the bathroom at a bar and into his dorm's lounge without thinking twice.

College libraries should not be social scenes. In the real world, you go to a library to meet a nice guy or girl because people are in the library because they are well read. In college, people are in the library because they don't get along with their roommates well enough to study in their own rooms.

I was in the library the other day, and I actually saw someone kick someone else out of a study carrel because it was "his." And I'm not talking about someone who was there first, called fives on his chair, and came back to reclaim it. I'm talking about a turf war where one guy had already claimed a section of the room. What he doesn't realize is that even if he wins, he loses.

You know why college library books are never where they're supposed to be? Because you're paying guys like me $7 an hour to shelve them. And until this changes, your fast food will never be what you ordered, your packages will never arrive on time, and your books will never be in the right place at the right time.

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Ah, the campus dining hall - where the leaders of tomorrow eat the leftovers of yesterday.

I knew a girl who went out with someone who worked in our dining hall, and I told her that it was sketchy. She got very mad at me, and criticized me for treating him like he's some untouchable peon only meant to prepare food for us. Actually, I thought it was sketchy because he was 40 with a wife and two kids, but why quibble over semantics?

Last year, one of my dining halls was divided up in the worst way. If you wanted a sandwich, you had to wait on line to order it. Then, you had to wait on line to pick it up. Then, you had to wait on line to pay for it. Then, it tasted like ass. And you had to wait on line to throw it out.

On most meal plans, you get guest meals. But you only get like three per semester. At first, I thought that was a ridiculously small amount of times that you could bring a friend to dinner. Then I remembered that after freshman year, no one is friends with anyone they went to high school with anyway.

My friends had a contest to see who could steal the most dining hall silverware. And I know stealing is wrong, but I think at $12 a meal, you should get to keep the fork.

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I've discovered the secret to doing well in class. Stay quiet the first two or three weeks. Then, approach the teacher after a class and tell them how you're really trying, and you want to do well in the specific subject because your brother/cousin/dog is really good at it and you're trying so hard to have them approve of you and ask what the professor thinks you should do. Then the next class, raise your hand like 30 times. Your ego driven professor will be so impressed with themselves for helping you that they'll up your grade a full point.

If my professor gives out 200 pages of reading, I'll only do the first 50 pages and wonder why they assigned so much. So the next week they give us 50 pages. And yes, I only read the first 10 and wonder why they assigned so much.

My class was talking with the professor once about how the reading started slow. Then one guy said that he got so bored by it that he stopped reading after a few pages. And that's where he lost the rest of us. Say you're at work and you take an hour coffee break. When your boss asks you how the coffee was, you can say, "it was great." You don't say, "It was great. I had it instead of doing your stupid work, you horse's ass."

Why don't some professors let you eat or drink in class? Sometimes I need something to wash down the taste of the bull they've been feeding me.

I heard that more than 90% of everyone at Harvard graduates with honors. First I thought of how that defeated the purpose of honors. But then I thought about the poor schlub who didn't get them and I started wondering how it would feel to know you're the dumbest guy on the floor. But then I remembered that it's not so bad.

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