-Return all 37 spoons to dining hall.

-Limit IM time from 10 hours to nine hours. Use extra hour to play Snood.

-Create newest Napster clone instead of turning in CompSci homework.

-Remind all my friends going abroad that Europe is only romantic if you don't have to live there for more than three months.

-Have a relationship that lasts at least three days. Try not to have two of them at a time.

-Take down poster of Animal House wearing that "college"� shirt. Put up poster of that ten-year-old Maxell ad where the guy's cheeks look cool.

-Stop overdrafting ATM account. Ask parents to put more money in it to help.

-Hack dining dollars swipe stripe on my ID card.

-Get a pair of pants that aren't black. Preferably that match new tube top.

-Celebrate all of my religion's holidays. Preferably the ones where you drink. Maybe other religions too.

-Set my roommates alarm clock ten minutes fast so he's only five minutes late to class.

-Get extra firm mattress so bed is less comfortable and I don't oversleep. Learn to get comfortable on extra firm mattress.

-Make a date for Valentine's Day. Off-line.

-Call one high school friend every week. Breathe heavily and hang up when they answer the phone.

-Learn new bouncer's name so you can drop it to the next bouncer when the new bouncer gets canned in two weeks.

-Keep up with all my assignments by threatening to beat up mousy looking kid if he stops doing my homework halfway through the semester.

-Think of words to replace "tool"� and "sketchy"�

-Stop listening to the same three CDs on repeat. Get a fourth.

-Finally learn all of the IM shortcuts for those yellow faces.

-Stop putting things off. Think up better excuses.

-Introduce yourself to page 7, 4th column, 3rd from the right in the facebook.

-Duct tape front-row-seat-girl's hand down.

-Don't go more than a month and a half without doing laundry.

-Study one chapter of each subject each week. Petition Webster to swap the definitions for "study"� and "ignore."�

-Drink. Heavily. (I always like to make one attainable resolution)

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There's a Chinese/Spanish restaurant near me. I don't know what they serve, but I'm pretty sure it has rice.

A lot of commercials depict college students as eating pizza for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. And it'd be true if we ate breakfast.

College students will put their dishes in the sink, but they'll never go to the trouble to put them in a dishwasher right next to it. Why? The same reason that all of our laundry is on the floor instead of in the closet, and we throw up in the hallway instead of the bathroom. When you're that drunk, doors can be very tricky.

Meriam-Websters defines "edible" as "fit to be eaten." College students define it as "there."

A couple of days ago, I wanted to make a sandwich, but I only had one piece of bread left. So instead of folding it in half, I put the bread between two slices of cheese. And I thought, "man, I'm going to miss college."

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Thomas Holmes once wrote that you can never go home again. That's not true. You can go home, you just can't sleep in the same room as your girlfriend when you get there.

I had a ticket once with a stop over, but I wanted to cancel the first leg and drive instead with some friends. So they charged me extra because they said my cancellation made them lose money. Oh, I see - by returning something valuable and asking for no money back, I must have hurt you financially. And you wonder why airlines go out of business so often.

When you leave for break, you should plan on getting to an airport an hour or two before your flight, but plan on leaving three more hours before that. Because the last night before you go home, you are never in the condition to methodically pack everything you own. Or wake up.

Packing your parents car with your dirty laundry because you don't want to do it yourself does not make you lazy. Taking three bags of laundry home on the bus, that's a different story.

Some parents plan a dinner or snacks or something when you get back for the holidays and say it's for you but invite all of their friends and none of yours. Then you're surrounded by people you hardly know who are all pretending to be extremely interested in your major and telling you how much growing you've done while they talk to each other about their insurance plans. Weeeeeee.

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Everyone on campus is always looking for a better place to study. During the semester, there is ample space, but every nook of every building is taken up during finals week. Except for your teacher's office during office hours - that's still empty.

I'm going to rent myself out as a curve-straightener. For just $50, I'll find where the smartest three kids in your class study and continuously poke them in them the forehead until they can't remember a damn thing.

You can tell if someone likes you if they make sure to study with just you before a big exam. Especially if you're dumb.

The problem with studying is that your mind only has room for so much. And every time I learn something new about 18th century literature or biomedical engineering, I forget the important stuff - like the perfect angle to tilt your glass while you pour.

After I study, I feel like the guy in Flowers for Algernon. I know that I will have exactly 24 hours to be smart and then I'll forget everything and return to my normal life. Or at least I think that's what happened - I haven't read it in a few days.

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Reading week is the traditional period between the last day of classes and final exams that universities give students off to study. But at most schools, it's been shortened to one or two days. I guess Christmas had to get some of those 12 days from somewhere.

I have come up with a formula to see how many finals someone has:
N = (days since last shower + days since last shave + times you used an academic reference to substitute for a punch line in the past week)/2

Studying for finals doesn't take that much time. It's taking the shrink-wrap off all my books that eats up my day.

Professors are not supposed to give finals during reading week, but many of them do in order to end the semester early. That way, everyone can make their flight in time for the holidays, when they have to explain to their parents why they failed all of their finals during reading week.

When you have a ton of reading to do before finals, it's really frustrating. "600 pages by Monday? That's so unfair. They should have given us more time to do this. Like three months."

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The worst is when a quiet guy works up the nerve to go up and talk to a girl, and as he gets there, she turns to talk to a friend of hers. Now, he's already standing there and his friends are watching, so he decides to wait. He stands there awkwardly. One sip of beer. Looks around to see if he knows anyone, knowing fully that he doesn't. Another sip of beer. Bobs his head to the music slightly, trying to look comfortable. Awkward pause. Another sip of beer. Another awkward pause. There is truly no sadder sight than a man who can't seem to cut into a conversation.

Do you notice that most often, your first conversation with someone of the opposite sex is the best one you've ever had? "We stayed up til five AM, just talking." True. But that's because you had 18-20 years to talk about. The problem now is that you covered your whole life in one night, and are left with nothing for the rest of your friendship. "He just doesn't open up anymore." No, he's open - he's just got nothing left inside.

Starting a conversation would be easy if I could just go up to people and say, "Hi, I'm Steve." But you know why I don't? Because I know that one time someone will look at me and say, "so?"

If you want someone new to like you, spend the first half hour of the conversation just asking questions. They'll talk about themselves, which everyone loves doing, and you won't have to tell them a thing. And by the end of it, they will always say, "I feel like I know you so well."

A guy stepping into the middle of a girl conversation is always awkward. You sit down at a table with a few girls you know, and you ask if you could move your friend's purse so you can have a place to eat. And suddenly someone says, "Oh, that's a great bag, where'd you get that?" And then everyone is talking about Prada and Kate Spade and Fendi. And it's all your fault.

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