Steve Hofstetter's Articles

4 total in April 2001

  • College - Intramurals

    Almost every guy, at one point or another wants to play an intramural sport with his friends. Just like almost every guy, at one point or another, wants to open a bar with his friends. Except no one actually buys the bar. But one guy will always show up with a ball and wonder where all his friends went.

    I love our intramural playoff system because everyone is in the playoffs as long as they won at least one game. Kind of like the National Hockey League.

    We have intramural quiz bowl at my school. So we play football, basketball, softball, soccer, and jeopardy.

    My freshman year, I saw a basketball team wearing jerseys. They weren't a fraternity or a club or anything - just a bunch of guys who lost in the first round of the playoffs. Good thing they commemorated it with a uniform.

    Folks, lets be honest. You are a group of ten guys from your freshman dorm. You will not beat the football team at any intramural sport. Especially football.

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  • College - Mail

    Are college mailrooms the minor leagues of the post office? "I want you to know this is the hardest part of a manager's job. Jim, you're not disgruntled enough. If you snapped, you'd kill one, maybe two people at the most. We're going to have to send you down for rehab."

    Some kids get packages from their parents every week. Other kids already have plenty of double-A batteries, tube socks, and crushed up cookies from their grandmothers.

    How many of you have your parents send you newspaper clippings from your local paper? Cause when you go to USC, you can't wait to hear all about the beauty pageant in Gary, Indiana.

    I had a friend who would sign up on mailing lists just so he'd get mail, and then he'd throw it out the second he saw it was junk. Why even get your hopes up? Getting junk mail is like having an A on your paper, with a "Just kidding, you got a C" scribbled beneath it.

    There are tens of thousands of colleges in the world and none of them has a decent mailroom. How am I supposed to trust these people to educate me when they can't even mail a god damned letter?

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  • College - Alumni

    Why don't adults remember college? Most people's parents have no idea what goes on at school, even though its been going on since colleges existed. Apparently the last class you take is brainwashing. If you get anything above a ten on the final, you have to take it again.

    I think it'd be awesome to come back and visit all of your friends every once in a while after you graduate. But I know a guy who is working full time and still spends all of his nights at one of our college bars. That doesn't mean he's still accepted at school. It means he's not accepted at work.

    I don't understand the concept of admitting legacies into schools, clubs, or teams. If smart, cool, and athletic were dominant genes, don't you think we'd know by now? Sure, some of them are very skilled. But the only thing that's hereditary about them is money.

    How come only alumni with uncommon names donate money to my school? Our buildings are named Schermerhorn, Sulzberger, and Fayerweather. What the hell happened to Smith?

    I'm going to help my school raise money when I graduate, but I'm not going to do it by giving them any. I just figure that if they don't constantly send me letters asking for donations, they'll save a few bucks on stamps.

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  • College - Money 2

    When you are in college, quarters become the most valuable currency there is. You need them for laundry, vending machines, and payphones. I bet you could make a pretty good living walking up and down dorm hallways selling three quarters for a dollar.

    Some of my friends put things on their parents' credit card. If I could do that, my parents would have been jailed three times by the end of freshman year.

    I really don't mind splurging every once in a while. By the time I graduate, I'll owe $50,000 in loans. What's $8 for a pitcher?

    Meal plans at my school break down to $13 a meal. You can tell who is a businessman by who is not on meal plan sophomore year. They just get the $13 in cash from their parents, eat a slice of pizza, pocket the difference, and buy and sell chumps who are still on the meal plan.

    Why can I spend $40 in a bar in one night, but refrain from ordering extra cheese because I don't want to blow the 50 cents?

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    • Steve Hofstetter Columbia

    About Me

    Steve is the most booked comedian on the college market, and would be playing your school shortly if you got off your fat ass and requested him.

    CollegeHumor.com's original columnist, Hofstetter is currently enjoying his status as the sketchy old guy. The host of the syndicated Sports Minute (Or So), Hofstetter is a regular on radio stations everywhere, and not just when he calls to request Enya.

    His new album, "Cure for the Cable Guy" is available in stores and on itunes, and is extremely popular with everyone except Larry the Cable Guy. Jay Leno compared him to a young Jerry Seinfeld, which is awesome because Jerry Seinfeld is very funny. His half million MySpace and Facebook friends agree.

    He also thinks you're hot.

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