I know some people who go to 15 classes the first week to find the easiest classes. Obviously not math classes though. Because you've just spent 12 hours that first week trying to get out of about ten hours of work.

In one of my history classes, we were discussing how there were communists in every profession. And I wondered - if there really were communist mailmen, did they give the same amount of mail to everyone?

You get spoiled in college. I went to a high school that was an hour train ride away. Now, the furthest class I've had was less than half a mile away. So I complained about the walk constantly.

One of my writing professors said that in order to write about something, you have to have lived it. He recommended bungee jumping, hang gliding, cliff diving, and other things like that. But I think he's missing an important caveat - to write about something you have to live through it.

Some professors do not give 'A's, so you ask them why. "I'm sorry," they say, "I don't give 'A's." Hey, buddy, it's your job to give 'A's sometimes. If you don't think anyone you've ever taught deserves an A, then maybe it's not them that need improvement.

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Most people can't wear short sleeve button paisley shirts. But most people don't have British accents.

The winter is tough on looks - everyone is bundled up, people put on a few pounds, and they all get way too pale. If you think someone still looks good during the winter, marry them before the weather gets warm again and you miss your chance.

I saw a huge woman wearing a shirt that said "USA." I think she did a pretty good impression.

Most of the athletes here wear clothes with their team name on it. But I think if you're wearing your team name, you should be willing to wear your record, too. Nothing will get you to change faster than everyone seeing "3-7" on your jacket.

People couldn't wear ugly clothes if clothing companies stopped making them. Although I'm pretty sure this one girl in my history class would still figure out how.

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People forget that not everyone is from their hometown. When I'm over visiting, my friends say stuff like, "Let's hit the strip tonight" or "Poochie is having a party over on Collins" or "Wanna go to the walk and get a Mac Dog?" Um, sure. As long as one comes with a map to what the hell you just said.

I never know what to call my friend's parents when I meet them. Sure, I'm 22. Yes, I'm on a first name basis with many people older than them. But when someone lays out a sleeping bag for me, gives me the extra family towels, and cooks me breakfast lunch and dinner before asking when we're going to get the car back that night, referring to them as Herb and Judy just seems wrong.

The best part of visiting friends is the pictures their parents have on their wall. Sure, you're an Abercrombie shopping, white baseball cap-wearing stud now, but what did you look like at your Bar Mitzvah?

It's fun to see a friend interacting with his parents. Because it's fun to think that it's the same guy who puked all over his roommate last week.

All the family traditions are different at your friends' houses. You get there and you don't know whether to leave your shoes on or take them off, put your jacket on a chair or in the closet, or which is the right bathroom to use. You take the next few days to figure out if the garbage can is under the sink, next to the dishwasher, or outside in the garage, if it's alright to sleep late, what to eat for breakfast, and where they keep the forks. And by the time you learn the rules, you're headed back to your dorm where you remember to throw your shoes and jacket on the floor, use the bathroom and garbage cans down the hall, and sleep til 2 - when you wake up to stale Chinese food and trying to find your fork.

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For my 21st birthday, I went to Atlantic City, where I figured out the perfect system for winning at roulette. Come with me, and bet on everything I don't bet on.

Maybe winning at a slot machine is such a great feeling because you don't do it enough to get used to it.

Don't ever think that you've figured out a fool-proof system for winning at any game in a casino. These guys do this for a living. If there were a way to beat the odds, they'd change the odds. You know why they call them odds? Because if you go in thinking that you're actually the first guy to ever come up with betting on black five times in a row, well, that's pretty odd.

I wonder if people who play slots get excited when they vote. "Cherry! Cherry! Oh, Libretarian."

When I play poker with someone for the first time, I buy a case of beer. Sure, I spent a few bucks, but I'll win it back from the drunk guy that's betting $20 on a pair of twos.

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