Steve Hofstetter's Articles

4 total in February 2002

  • College - Computers

    I know some people whose parents pay for their entire tuition, cars, and meal plan, but won't buy them a computer. I'm not saying parents need to buy their kids everything. I'm just saying that if you're buying your kid a round of golf, you might want to make sure they have a set of clubs.

    When your computer breaks, and it will, most college tech support people can not help you. But man, are they're good at Counter Strike.

    A friend of mine thinks that on-line gambling is dangerous because credit cards let you go into debt too quickly. Instead, he checks his e-mail once a day and lets people bet the over/under on how many messages he got.

    The great thing about computers is that they make mailing real letters worth so much more. Writing someone an actual letter is like asking a college girl out to dinner. Sure, it's easy and an every day thing that your parents did all the time. But because so few other people think of it, you're a hero.

    Do you remember having a 2400 speed modem? Do you remember your first 100 megabyte hard drive? Do you remember the time you spent fondly reminiscing with your friends about how small and slow your computers used to be? God, I hope not.

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  • College - The Job Hunt

    Senior year, everyone always asks you where you are looking for work. First semester, I said, "in sports-writing." Over break, said, "in writing." Now, I say, "in America."

    People tell me I should go to grad school instead of working right away so I can be well-rounded. As if my four years of college didn't round me enough. I took two years of core curriculum before I could even start my major, and once I started it, I still had to take four classes outside of my discipline. If I become anymore well-rounded, I can find a cushy job as a meatball.

    Career fairs are supposed to help you decide what you want to do. Except the only companies that came to my school's career fair are firms like Goldman Sachs and Morgan Stanley. "Have you ever thought about an exciting career in finance? No? Well, what about one in finance?"

    Companies who fire veteran employees in order to hire cheaper recent college graduates are unscrupulous. They also don't return my calls.

    Some people advise you against taking the first job that comes your way just to pay off your billions of dollars in student loans. They say that you should scrimp and save in a piddling position in your industry so that you can eventually end up where you really want. Like jail.

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  • College - Instant Messenger IV

    It'd be great if you got other things with the same excitement that AOL gives you when you get mail. Like STD results. "Welcome! You've got crabs!"

    Being drunk is great sometimes because you can say whatever you want and get away with it. But unlike the phone or in person conversations, drunk IM could be really easy to fake. All you need is a program that capitalizes stuff, takes out half of your vowels, and switches every fifth letter to the key next to it.

    You can get people's screen names using their e-mail address, but most people don't know that, and get freaked if you look them up that way. I bet it was like that when phone books first came out. "You mean there's a huge book with everyone's phone number in it? And all you need to know is their name! My god, technology is incredible! God bless the 1990s!"

    Almost everyone, at some point or another, quotes a song in their away message, but change the lyrics slightly to apply to what they're doing. Oh, I get it - it's been a hard day's night, but instead of just working like a dog, you're working like a dog - in the library! How galactically clever!

    I wish you could pause over the phone like you can on IM. All the time, I'd start a phone conversation with someone, talk to them for five minutes, and then just put the phone down and walk away. An hour later I'd come back and say "Sorry - my roommate came in. Gotta run to class!," and then hang up before they could say anything.

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  • College - Commercials II

    Why is there so much hype over Brittany Spears' new Pepsi commercial? I was pissed the first time I saw a commercial before the previews in a movie theatre. But it was nothing compared to the first time I saw a preview in a movie theatre for a commercial.

    I was riding in a cab and I heard boxing announcer Michael Buffer as the celebrity welcome voice. His line was "Let's get ready to rumble - for safety!" Sweet - then we can have a knife fight for world peace.

    Have you ever seen those rascal commercials? It's that motorized chair, and their big thing is that they give away a free one every once in a while. Everyone says "I got my free rascal" in this really weird way. Apparently, it comes with a complimentary lobotomy.

    I hate how companies are using September 11th to sell their products. Yes, the airlines need support, and New York has to get back into the tourism business. But there's no way I'm going to buy a Psychic reading "for America."

    There should be a channel devoted to television commercials. They'd show half-hour blocks of all the best Coke commercials, Budweiser ads, and Wendy's spots. And they could have breaks where they show three-minute clips of sit-coms so you can go to the bathroom without missing anything.

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    • Steve Hofstetter Columbia

    About Me

    Steve is the most booked comedian on the college market, and would be playing your school shortly if you got off your fat ass and requested him.

    CollegeHumor.com's original columnist, Hofstetter is currently enjoying his status as the sketchy old guy. The host of the syndicated Sports Minute (Or So), Hofstetter is a regular on radio stations everywhere, and not just when he calls to request Enya.

    His new album, "Cure for the Cable Guy" is available in stores and on itunes, and is extremely popular with everyone except Larry the Cable Guy. Jay Leno compared him to a young Jerry Seinfeld, which is awesome because Jerry Seinfeld is very funny. His half million MySpace and Facebook friends agree.

    He also thinks you're hot.

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