I used to think that Easter Island was a whole island filled with chocolate and bunnies, but it turns out that it's just a bunch of mean looking stone faces. Which makes sense, since that's how a lot of my friends describe hanging out with their relatives.

A friend of mine asked me if I had a happy Passover, without realizing it was still going on. Passover is eight days. Hannukah is eight days. Sukkot is eight days. See, we buy everything wholesale.

Good Friday is supposed to be a fast day. Except I found out you get one main meal, and then another small meal to keep you going. That's not fasting - that's Jenny Craig.

Passover is a simple holiday to explain. It's Thanksgiving without bread or football.

I prefer Passover to Thanksgiving. At Thanksgiving, some of your relatives will drone on and on for hours about what they have to be thankful for, and why they're all so blessed to have made it another year. That happens at Passover too, but at least there's a script.

I think it's funny when people give up things they don't really enjoy doing for lent, in an effort to trick god. I like to think of a god as someone who can't be fooled into thinking that I'm struggling to end my addiction to homework.

I know an overweight, chain-smoking alcoholic who couldn't come up with anything good to give up for lent. I think she settled on "three years of her life."�

In some families, it's Passover tradition to serve both egg soup and chicken soup. Though for the life of me, I can't remember which comes first.

Painted eggs, wicker baskets, chocolate and marshmallows molded in the shape of bunnies and baby chicks? The only rebirth Easter commemorates is that of Martha Stewart's career.

The ten plagues were blood, frogs, vermin, pestilence, cattle death, boils, hail, locusts, darkness, and the slaying of the first born. If it weren't for that last one, I'd think I was praying to El Nino.

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I define "hooking up," as anything sexual, not including sex itself. That is much more than hooking up. That is being completely interlocked.

Everyone has their little quirks when it comes to hooking up. So after you've been hooking up with one person for a while and you hook up with someone else, you need to be very careful that you remember not to do that extra swirly thing with your tongue.

I know a girl who laughed when she made out with someone. I'm talking right in the middle of it - just burst out laughing. And she did this with everyone she ever kissed. Or that's what I tell myself to keep the self-esteem up.

I won't ever say someone's name when I'm hooking up with them. Not because I'm afraid of getting it wrong, but because I think it's weird when someone says mine. Even if I'm doing something like fooling around, when someone says, "Steve," it's just instinctive for me to answer with, "what?"

There are some guys who just try stuff and see if they get slapped. But most of us will lightly brush up against things first to gauge the reaction. That way if the girl is like "what are you doing?," we can just pretend it was a complete accident that the back of our hand landed squarely between her thighs.

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The first time I ever went to the gym, I asked my friend where the bathroom was. He hushed me really quickly, and said I should be quieter or everyone will know that I didn't go to the gym so often. Yeah, that bathroom comment was the only thing that gave it away.

Every time I go to the gym, I want to take off my glasses because I don't like to wear them while I work out. But I don't do it because not being able to see well defeats the real purpose of going to the gym.

It's hard to motivate yourself to go to the gym. I may love the feeling I get when I finish a work out, but I love the feeling I get when I finish a paper, and it doesn't make me write one every day.

When you work out for the first time in a while, you have a lot to do when you get back. You have to shower, you have to change, and you have to tell everyone you run into that you just back from the gym.

I love the people who think they're healthy just because they go to the gym. Dude, you eat Ramen for lunch, pizza for dinner, and you've never even been awake to eat breakfast. You binge drink three times a week, spend your free time IMing your roommate or playing Beirut, and you have to smoke a cigarette in order to go to sleep - at 4 AM on a Tuesday. But those three sets of bicep curls - man, they're keeping you healthy.

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I love the guy who yells "party!" at the top of his lungs. Beer, dim lighting, a couple going at it in the corner - I could have sworn I was in class. Thanks for clearing that up.

People think that if they drink a lot at a party, they'll be cool, which is not always true. If you drink a lot and can hold it all, that's pretty cool. If you drink just enough to leave you passed out in your own puke, well, not as cool.

Parties are fun, but they're nothing compared to the next day, when five guys sit around and try to reconstruct all the stupid things their friends did the night before.

The best way to advertise a party is to tell 50 people that it's a small thing and they shouldn't tell too many people. Only 250 people will even hear about it. But every last one of them will show up.

Your school's level of parties is directly proportional to how good your teams are, and there's no good reason why. When ten guys are really good at basketball, everyone else just drinks, dances, and hooks up a lot more. Even during football season.

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In some classes, I sit towards the left, in some the right, and in some, the middle. But in each class, I have one and only one seat. In one class, I tried to switch things up a little and move up a row. Man, that was a weird day.

When you go out drinking during the week, people get in a war over how early their first class is. "I have a class at ten tomorrow!"� "Oh yeah? I have a lab at nine!"� "Oh yeah? I have class eight-thirty, and we have a final!"� Not me - my earliest class of the week is at 2:00 PM and I'm proud. I'll try to wake you up for your final before I get to bed.

What is the point of auditing a class? You sit through the lecture and take notes, but you don't have to pay for it. Which would make sense if professors charged at the door.

I was once in a huge lecture class, and the whole semester, people I never saw before were coming up to me and asking me if I was in Econ with them. Sure, I was in their class, but it's hard to remember people that you meet while you're sleeping.

I've seen a lot of professors try to scare kids away on the first day of class by talking about all the work they'll be assigning. I wonder how those classes turned out.

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