Steve Hofstetter's Articles

4 total in April 2002

  • College - Senior Slump

    I have one class where even the TA has been cutting lately. Or so I've been told.

    If you're not worried about getting in to grad school, all you need is a B to get any job. So if you've been through three years of school with A's and you find yourself not going to grad school, the only math you'll need to do is figure out exactly how many classes you can miss and still pass.

    Being 6'4" with red hair makes it tough to cut class. Having professors who are 64 with gray hair makes it easy.

    You might be slumping when you've taken the time to make three-dozen different away messages. You know you're slumping when you have that many different ones that describe which bar you'll be at.

    You never completely stop caring about your workload when you're a senior. But if you skip class, it's hard to actually expend the effort to call someone to see what you missed. That's why you make friends with people who go out a lot. "Hey, aren't you in my bio class? Did we get any assignments? Any exams? No? Cool - see you next weekend."

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  • College - Housing

    Why does every school have at least one really crappy dorm? And every dorm has at least one really crappy room? Hey college - stop building crappy rooms, okay? Thanks - we appreciate it.

    Why do people get so excited by their friends' housing lottery numbers? "My friend got number 2,998 out of 3000! Isn't that wild?" "No way, dude, my friend was number 23!" "Woah - my friend was number, like, 17!" Hey - no one really cares what your friend's lottery number was. Besides, I had a friend who was number 4. Isn't that wild?

    There's constantly signs advertising on my campus for people to help fill the last few spaces in suites. I think it would be smarter to post signs looking for a roommate who is going abroad the whole year. Or at least someone with a girlfriend across town.

    How horribly backward is special interest housing? At some schools, any minority group can apply for their own suite, floor, or house. So you can only live with people of your own race or religion? I thought America had a problem with this rule the first time when it was called "separate but equal."

    If I got number 1 in the housing lottery, I'd sell it to number 50 for $100, then sell that to number 100, sell that to 200, and so on and so on. Sure, I'd end up with the worst room on campus, but it'd be wallpapered in solid gold.

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  • College - Music II

    When I meet a guy in college, I always want to ask, "what kind of guitar do you play?"

    You know MP3s have taken hold when everyone has burnt copies of all the CDs from their music class.

    I think live music is usually better than listening to a CD. But I will never understand why people like recorded live music better than something produced in a studio. "Hey, he's saying something to the audience that we can't really hear. Oh, I love when he does that! Maybe later, he'll miss a few notes, and the mic will pick up some feedback!"

    I love those compilation CDs they sell on TV. When it's one I want to buy, I get the song list off their website, download all the tracks, burn the CD myself, and spend the $19.95 on pizza.

    I am a music idiot. I like popular music with a good beat and good lyrics, and I don't care how studio produced it is, how few chords it uses, or how little talent it took to write the music. That's the only way I can play it on my guitar anyway.

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  • College - Deans

    In high school, you had a principal and an assistant principal to kiss up to. In college, you have 473 deans. Better get some chapstick, buddy.

    How great would it be to work as an office assistant in a college and just happen to be named Dean?

    There's a dean for everything at my school. Dean of Students. Dean of Student Affairs. Assistant Dean of Student Affairs. Assistant Dean of Student Affairs and Special Programming. Ever think that the title "Dean" is kind of like "Associate Producer"?

    Do you think the Dean of Food Services gets really pissed if you call him Jimmy?

    We have something called "Dean's Discipline" at my school. That's when you do something wrong and you are at the complete mercy of a dean when it comes to punishment, which some people think is unfair. But how are our kids going to learn to use fascism later in life if they don't teach it to us now?

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    • Steve Hofstetter Columbia

    About Me

    Steve is the most booked comedian on the college market, and would be playing your school shortly if you got off your fat ass and requested him.

    CollegeHumor.com's original columnist, Hofstetter is currently enjoying his status as the sketchy old guy. The host of the syndicated Sports Minute (Or So), Hofstetter is a regular on radio stations everywhere, and not just when he calls to request Enya.

    His new album, "Cure for the Cable Guy" is available in stores and on itunes, and is extremely popular with everyone except Larry the Cable Guy. Jay Leno compared him to a young Jerry Seinfeld, which is awesome because Jerry Seinfeld is very funny. His half million MySpace and Facebook friends agree.

    He also thinks you're hot.

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