Steve Hofstetter's Articles

3 total in May 2002

  • College - Graduation

    A lot of people ask me what I'm going to do after graduation. I think I'll go to dinner with my parents, then drink a whole lot and pass out.

    You pretty much have to write something in masking tape on your mortarboard-the space is too good to waste. I'm deciding between "thank you, Spark Notes," "for a good time, ask," and "brought to you by yahoo.com."

    Graduation robes are so weird. Why do we only look educated after we dress up like giant colored snow angels?

    Graduation is a huge step in a young adult's life. Hooking up with a college student goes from encouraged to sketchy in just three hours.

    They tell us not to throw our hats because it's dangerous. They're talking to people who spent the last four years drinking ourselves to sleep on the weekends, taking no-doz to study on the weekdays, subsisting solely pizza and Chinese food, and braving communal bathrooms regardless of whether or not we remembered to bring our shower shoes. If that didn't kill us, I don't think we have to worry about an out of control hat.

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  • College - Studying III

    I can't pull an all-nighter to study. When I'm that tired, I don't have trouble picking a,b,c, or d. But I have trouble remembering what order they come in.

    When you try to comfort someone studying, don't ever do it by saying, "don't worry, it'll all be over in a few days." They'll ignore "it'll all be over" and just hear "in a few days" before they breakdown crying.

    The library is a great place to study. By the time I leave, I haven't looked at my reading, but I am the world's foremost expert on 17 different people's pen fidgets, snacking habits, and bathroom intervals.

    If I can't remember the name of the girl I met in a bar five minutes ago, what chance do I have of remembering anything so much less important?

    My mom told me that if I spent half as much time studying as I did on watching baseball, I'd be a straight A student. "You get a B in history, but you can tell me Keith Miller's batting average from 1987." I said, ".373, though he didn't have enough at bats to qualify for the batting title so Tony Gwynn won with a .370--but that's completely besides the point."

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  • College - Finals IV

    When you're a senior, finals are different. They feel so, I don't know, final.

    The timing for Cinquo de Mayo couldn't be worse. Here it is, a holiday where people celebrate with nachos and Corona but everyone is stuck in the library. Not me - I think studying instead of nachos and Corona is like vacuuming during the Super Bowl.

    For the classes I have with finals, I fill up an entire notebook. For the classes I have with papers, the notebook has a bunch of half-drawn pictures, notes from the one class we had before I realized there was no final, and the date crossed out and changed each time I didn't end up taking notes.

    It's not that seniors have fewer finals than everyone else, it's just that we don't care. By now, most seniors have jobs or have been accepted to grad school. And if they haven't, they're still smart enough to know that ten points on a calc final isn't going to make or break them.

    If you finish finals early, keep your mouth shut. You may think it's cool, but there is nothing that other people hate more than the guy who finishes all of his work first. Walk up to anyone and say, "I don't have any finals and I kicked your baby brother in his stupid fat head." "What? You don't have any finals?"

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    • Steve Hofstetter Columbia

    About Me

    Steve is the most booked comedian on the college market, and would be playing your school shortly if you got off your fat ass and requested him.

    CollegeHumor.com's original columnist, Hofstetter is currently enjoying his status as the sketchy old guy. The host of the syndicated Sports Minute (Or So), Hofstetter is a regular on radio stations everywhere, and not just when he calls to request Enya.

    His new album, "Cure for the Cable Guy" is available in stores and on itunes, and is extremely popular with everyone except Larry the Cable Guy. Jay Leno compared him to a young Jerry Seinfeld, which is awesome because Jerry Seinfeld is very funny. His half million MySpace and Facebook friends agree.

    He also thinks you're hot.

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