Your campus cash is called Mountie Bountie. That's adorable. But products that rhyme have a limited shelf life. Like soap on a rope. Or Harry Caray.

You're located in Morgantown, a rural mountainside with a campus stuffed into it. Morgantown was not built to hold tens of thousands of students - it was built to hold three farms, a bait shack and a gas station run by a guy named Earl (Pronounced "Arl"). So what's your answer to the parking problems caused by over population? Building one-story garages, and a public transportation system with one car on each train. Good move. Now excuse me while I go soak up the Atlantic Ocean with a roll of paper towels.

If there's one thing you do well, it's party. Maybe you were drunk when you built those garages and named your campus cash. I've actually seen girls stumbling out of bars and taking rides home from guys they've never met because they'd rather dry hump a stranger than walk up that mountain. This, by the way, was a Tuesday.

You don't just party at night, either. Not a football game goes by without someone burning a couch. Win, loss, tie, bye week, if it's football season, you guys are burning sectionals. Someone should open a furniture store and sell used couches for half price every weekend. They could retire by the end of the season.

"Get a Game Day Special! A bag of briquettes with every love seat!"

Maybe you can use some Mountie Bountie to pick one up.

Thanks for having me. Go Mountaineers!

We braved airport lines, we braved delayed planes
We came home in cars, and we came home in trains
We came home from college, we took days off work
We spent hours in traffic, which drove us beserk
They stopped all the mail, and they closed all the banks
So we could be home and we could give thanks
To our friends and our family, on this holiday
Who remind us...why we all moved so far away

Happy Thanksgiving. Be strong, it's only a few more days til Monday.

You're named after Franklin Pierce, the alcoholic former president who re-opened the question of slavery in the west. What a person to celebrate. Hey, without Franklin Pierce, there might not have been a civil war. It's only fitting to name your school after him, since your campus still looks like America did during his presidency.

Wow, you guys are in the middle of nowhere. You shouldn't need hiking boots and road flairs to get to class. I've performed at a lot of colleges, but this was the first time I've done standup at a summer camp. I would not be the least bit surprised if I found out the Blair Witch was actually filmed at your student center.

I was, however, treated very nicely by everyone there who seemed to enjoy going to school on the set of Cabin Fever, and some people even baked me cupcakes. Which is good, because the nearest restaurant is 73 miles away. Overall, I enjoyed myself - and the next time I want to get killed by a maniac in the woods, I'm totally there.

A noted historian wrote that Franklin Pierce was "a good man who didn't understand his own shortcomings." Maybe it's an apt name after all.

Thanks for having me. Go Ravens!

First off, your teams are the Big Green. That's retarded. Big Green what? There are so many green things. Like the grass I'd have to smoke to stomach living in Hanover. Or the envy I'd have at other schools that actually have team names.

But your mascot is a keg. Not just any keg, but Keggie, the keg with legs. That's gangsta. My school didn't even allow kegs, and your school uses one as promotion. That's the first impression other schools have of you. The keg is your diplomat. "Hi, we're the delegation from Dartmouth, and we make Tara Reid look like she's in MADD."� In fairness, if I went to school somewhere with that little to do, I'd stay wasted, too. You guys are such drunks that if there really was a human keg, you'd probably tap him and drain his alcoholic blood into a Solo cup.

And then there's Blitz. You know what the rest of the world calls that? Email. But no, your email is faster! BLITZ! It's instant, like, well, any other email system. Your campus points are also called "dash"� - maybe you feel you need to get things done quickly. I bet it's because you're praying for the end of your drunken, thirty-below, mass mailing four years to come as soon as possible.

Thanks for having me. Go Big Green!

Britney Splits From K-Fed

Britney Spears filed for divorce from husband Kevin Federline, citing irreconcilable differences and his new album. Spears will get to keep everything she had before the two married, including 100% of the couple's assets and talent.

Idol's Underwood Wins at CMAs

At the 40th annual Country Music Awards, American Idol's Carrie Underwood won Female Vocalist of the Year. Underwood unfortunately had to give 80% of the statue to the show's producers.

AP College Basketball Poll

The AP pre-season poll came out, and yet again, the best college team in the country is the New York Knicks.

Kemp to Return to Basketball

Shawn Kemp is hoping to return to the NBA. If he can't find a team that will sign him, Kemp plans on starting a league comprised solely of his illegitimate children.

Thorpe Goes Without Practice

Aussie swimmer Ian Thorpe skipped the Speedo International, his last chance at competition before the trials for the World Swimming Championships. Thorpe's ability to win without practice is especially impressive when you consider that he has to swim counterclockwise.