Note: The point of this column is to show that every school has its foibles. If you are offended by its content, you probably don't understand the word "foibles."

I have been to Bloomington more than any other college town, and list it amongst my favorite places. It is a place that nurtures art and free thought and cultural advancement. And what's more important, you do it all totally wasted. And thus, a very special beer edition of "I Will Make Fun of Your Campus."

Like many IU students, I've been to almost every bar in Bloomington. The only difference is I took time off in between.

There's Nick's, where I learned to play "Sink the Biz," a drinking game actually based on a historical event. How's that for combining academia and alcoholism. I'm surprised you don't play Beirut on a blown up map of Lebanon.

Then there's The Upstairs, a bar with a very creative and hipster clientele getting so wasted that they physically damage furniture, pool cues, and each other. It's where those who create art go to destroy it. By the way, thick black glasses are only cool if you have actual lenses in them.

Of course there's both Kilroy's – bars so full of faux-preppies that a pink polo shirt is almost required with your ID (the picture on which, by the way, doesn't have to look like you). Okay meatheads, I get it – you want girls to think you're not homophobic. Of course, a better idea than a pink shirt would be to stop hating gay people. Just throwing it out there.

And I'd be remiss not to mention Bear's Place, one of the best comedy clubs in the country. The drink of choice there is a Hairy Bear, aptly named because it contains enough alcohol to kill an actual bear. I've had some of the best crowds in my life there. And some of the worst, drunken hecklers, too. Guess which ones had the Hairy Bear.

There are plenty of other bars, but I can't get to all of them because I don't have the space. Also, I can't remember some of them because I was too busy learning about Lebanon.

Thanks for having me. Go Hoosiers!

<I>Note: The point of this column is to show that every school has its foibles. If you are offended by its content, you probably don't understand the word "foibles." </I>

You're located in Portales, a town so remote that the closest city is Clovis. Not only is closest city is a half hour away, but you're so small that you make Clovis actually look like a city. Clovis, by the way, would have been an excellent name for a character on the Dukes of Hazard.

Clovis sucks so much that sometimes you actually drive to Lubbock for fun. When the reward for a two-hour drive is a town that's known for smelling like cow manure, people wonder about the quality of what you left behind.

Your coffee shop is named Ground Zero, which was a cute pun before 2001. Now the term "Ground Zero" is associated with one of the worst tragedies in American history and that's where you buy frappuccinos. Was "Café Hindenburg" taken? Or maybe Portales is so isolated that you haven't heard what happened. Any day now, a postman is going to come riding in from Clovis bearing news from the east.

Your mascot is the greyhound, named when a football player saw a Greyhound Bus drive by. Really. Maybe the people were on their way to Lubbock to find something interesting to do. You're lucky you're not the Peter Pans. Your women's teams, however, are the Zias. Zias are an indigenous tribe to New Mexico. Western New Mexico – 300 miles away from Portales. That's how little there is around Portales. You can't even find a mascot within 300 miles. Or at least one that's not driving to Lubbock.

I have visited Portales a few times and enjoyed myself every time. Every last person I met was extremely friendly, which is perhaps why the Welcome to Portales Sign says "home of 12,000 friendly people and three or four old grouches." Maybe the grouches were on their way to Lubbock at the time.

Thanks for having me. Go Greyhounds! And Zias!

Note: The point of this column is to show that every school has its foibles. If you are offended by its content, you probably don't understand the word "foibles."

If I'm going to mock schools, I may as well mock my own.


Let's start with the phallus fountains in front of the library, sculptures so sexual they make the Washington Monument blush. Did they have to be fountains? It wasn't enough to design a series of penises in front of the library, they had to shoot water out of the tip, too. I'm surprised the sundial doesn't somehow resemble a giant vagina.

Speaking of construction, the student center is the biggest New York debacle this side of the Knicks. There's a housing crunch, there's a classroom crunch, there's a meeting space crunch. So what do you do? Spend millions to build a few stories of empty space, ramps and glass windows. That really helped. All the students that can't find housing can just live on the ramps. Out of that big glass window, there's a great view of the phallus fountains.

And speaking of things that break easily and lead nowhere, how about that football team? Columbia set the record for most D1 losses in a row, going four years without a win. Prairie View later beat that record, because Columbia can't even win at losing. But who cares, since no one ever goes to games anyway. Well, that's not true .. other teams alumni seem to show up. Nothing gets Columbia ready for a game like thunderous chants of "Go Penn!" Baker field is an apt name .. because the Columbia football team might be better off if they took the field baked.

I did enjoy my time at Columbia and there was a good amount of fun to be had (especially for an academic based school). Recently, Columbia even made news for sex parties and an S&M club. I was proud of my alma mater's ability to maintain its lighter side and get a little deviant. Of course, turns out the stories weren't true. It was just some homeless guy trying to massage one of the fountains.

Thanks for having me. Go Lions!