Dear applicant,

Thank you for applying to Prestigious Liberal Arts College. Actually, forget I said that. I’m kind of annoyed you wasted my time. I’m a very busy, important person, and every application is ten more minutes that I’m unable to spend laughing at poor people. I’d really like that time back.

Did you really think you had a shot of getting in? Come on man, you’re a white able-bodied male. Do you know how silly I’d look with you on the cover of our brochure? I’d be laughed out of the yacht club. White guy on a brochure! Jeez, do you have no concept of marketing?

While your A-minus average and community service might have impressed some people, I just don’t feel that you’re Prestigious Liberal Arts College material. Look at the picture you sent us. You’re not even wearing a button down shirt under your sweater! How do you expect to pop your collar without having one?

I've been writing for CollegeHumor.com for seven years now and performing at colleges for five, which means I'm sketchy and old. But it also means I've seen your reactions to everything from 9/11 to the Tsunami to Katrina, and seen how the rest of the world says college students are apathetic. Hey, some of us might be pathetic, but we are not apathetic. I said "We" as if I'm still in college. See? Pathetic.

My point is that I was inspired this week by the outpouring of support for Virginia Tech. So some comedian friends and I are driving to Strasburg, VA on May 2nd to perform a benefit for the families of those lost in this tragedy. Please keep that support going and take a road trip down for the show. It stars Denis Donohue, Phil Mazo, Rich Ragains, Vince Martin, Jody Kerns, Dan Levy, Tony Boswell, Tony Deyo, Vanessa Hollingshead, and me. And you.

You can donate directly if you can't attend. And at the very least, join the facebook group. For everyone that joins, I'm donating a penny to the cause. But don't poke me. If you poke me, I will track you down and give you a wedgie. Seriously, don't poke me.

May 2nd, 8PM
Strasburg Theater
151 W. King Street
Strasburg, VA
$25 tickets ($15 with student ID and promocode STUDENT)
100% of the gross goes to the cause

So, CollegeHumor.com, tell your friends, and hope to see you there. Show the world what college students can do. Well, what college students and a sketchy old guy can do.