(Want to be an intern for Steve this summer? Email steve@stevehofstetter.com. He promises he won’t make you wash his coffee cups)

Most of the letters I received were from fellow Kings fans, who also felt embarrassed by the ads (and the season). But a few of you, well, not so much.

It wasn't sports fans who missed my point. It was columnists. I can understand if it was only bloggers. I have long been under the impression that blogs take people who have nothing to say and give them nothing to write. But professional sports writers? Come on guys, a pre-requisite for writing a column ought to be literacy.

I admit, the timing of my column was ironic. My column printed the day that the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue hit newsstands. There's some humor to that, and some columnists saw it. But I wanted to respond to the few who were silly enough to actually be offended by the timing.

The premise of these columns was that I shouldn't mock the Kings for using sex to sell hockey games when Sports Illustrated does the same with their magazine. So as a public service, I'd like to explore the
differences between the Kings and Sports Illustrated.

The Kings recently launched a billboard campaign featuring models wearing skimpy clothing.
Sports Illustrated recently launched its annual Swinsuit Issue, featuring models wearing skimpy clothing.
Similarity

The Kings are a hockey team.
Sports Illustrated is a magazine.
Difference

The Kings have won fewer than twenty hockey games this season.
Sports Illustrated has won fewer than twenty hockey games this season.
Similarity

Created in 1967, the Kings have never won a championship.
Created in 1954, Sports Illustrated was the first two time National Magazine Award for General Excellence winner in its category.
Difference

The Kings have the third worst defense in the league, only shutting out three teams thus far.
Sports Illustrated hasn't ever shut out a professional hockey team.
Similarity

LAKings.com is the top 100,000 most trafficked websites out there.
SportsIllustrated.com is in the top 50 most trafficked websites out there.
Difference

The Kings fanbase is mainly male.
Sports Illustrated's readers are mainly male.
Similarity

Despite the rest of the league setting attendance records, the Kings' average attendance is down about 5% from last year.
Sports Illustrated's reach is at an all-time high, with over 23 million readers every week.
Difference

When the Kings make a transaction, they're torn apart by bloggers who often have little to no knowledge of player personnel.
When I write a column for Sports Illustrated, I'm torn apart by bloggers who often have little to no knowledge of the shift key.
Similarity

The Kings traded Elisha Cuthbert's boyfriend, losing her star power.
Sports Illustrated ran a picture of Elisha Cuthbert with my column, using her star power.
Difference

The Kings are a laughing stock.
Sports Illustrated has humor columns.
Similarity

Many Kings players have had work done to their teeth.
Not all Sports Illustrated columnists are on the dental plan.
Difference

A large portion of people at a Kings game are celebrities and industry, and not really hockey fans.
A large portion of Sports Illustrated readers prefer basketball, baseball, and football, and are not really hockey fans.
Similarity

The Kings ought to concentrate on what they are doing right: their exciting young players, having a solid offense, and staying surprisingly affordable despite playing in one of the most expensive cities in the world.
Sports Illustrated is still a magazine.
Difference

I have been to Bloomington more than any other college town, and list it amongst my favorite places. It is a place that nurtures art and free thought and cultural advancement. And what's more important, you do it all totally wasted. And thus, a very special beer edition of "I Will Make Fun of Your Campus."

Like many IU students, I've been to almost every bar in Bloomington. The only difference is I took time off in between.

There's Nick's, where I learned to play "Sink the Biz," a drinking game actually based on a historical event. How's that for combining academia and alcoholism. I'm surprised you don't play Beirut on a blown up map of Lebanon.

Then there's The Upstairs, a bar with a very creative and hipster clientele getting so wasted that they physically damage furniture, pool cues, and each other. It's where those who create art go to destroy it. By the way, thick black glasses are only cool if you have actual lenses in them.

Of course there's both Kilroy's – bars so full of faux-preppies that a pink polo shirt is almost required with your ID (the picture on which, by the way, doesn't have to look like you). Okay meatheads, I get it – you want girls to think you're not homophobic. Of course, a better idea than a pink shirt would be to stop hating gay people. Just throwing it out there.

And I'd be remiss not to mention Bear's Place, one of the best comedy clubs in the country. The drink of choice there is a Hairy Bear, aptly named because it contains enough alcohol to kill an actual bear. I've had some of the best crowds in my life there. And some of the worst, drunken hecklers, too. Guess which ones had the Hairy Bear.

There are plenty of other bars, but I can't get to all of them because I don't have the space. Also, I can't remember some of them because I was too busy learning about Lebanon.

Thanks for having me. Go Hoosiers!

You're located in Portales, a town so remote that the closest city is Clovis. Not only is closest city is a half hour away, but you're so small that you make Clovis actually look like a city. Clovis, by the way, would have been an excellent name for a character on the Dukes of Hazard.

Clovis sucks so much that sometimes you actually drive to Lubbock for fun. When the reward for a two-hour drive is a town that's known for smelling like cow manure, people wonder about the quality of what you left behind.

Your mascot is the greyhound, named when a football player saw a Greyhound Bus drive by. Really. Maybe the people were on their way to Lubbock to find something interesting to do. You're lucky you're not the Peter Pans. Your women's teams, however, are the Zias. Zias are an indigenous tribe to New Mexico. Western New Mexico – 300 miles away from Portales. That's how little there is around Portales. You can't even find a mascot within 300 miles. Or at least one that's not driving to Lubbock.

I have visited Portales a few times and enjoyed myself every time. Every last person I met was extremely friendly, which is perhaps why the Welcome to Portales Sign says "home of 12,000 friendly people and three or four old grouches." Maybe the grouches were on their way to Lubbock at the time.

Thanks for having me. Go Greyhounds! And Zias!

If I'm going to mock schools, I may as well mock my own.


Let's start with the phallus fountains in front of the library, sculptures so sexual they make the Washington Monument blush. Did they have to be fountains? It wasn't enough to design a series of penises in front of the library, they had to shoot water out of the tip, too. I'm surprised the sundial doesn't somehow resemble a giant vagina.