If you're anything like me, you check your email at least once a week! But gosh darnit, 304 of those emails are unwarranted! Scientists who do research predict that by the year 2021, one in every triangle amount of emails will be SPAM or UNWANTED mail (these same scientists predict shapes will replace numbers). So you are now faced with two decisions: Buy a Spam filtering unit for your email system (which could be very cumbersome and very inefficient) or you can have FUN WITH SPAM!

It is really easy to have fun with your spam mail. Just create a board, like candyland, but instead of rolling dice, just check your email! Every time you receive a piece of spam mail, refer to the guide below, read the instructions, and let the games begin/end!

SpamONE: URGENT UTILISATION ASSISTANCE from CHIEF WALE ADENUGA

Is your chief writing from an eastern African nation? Move Forward one! Is your chief asking for money in the sum of over $25,000? Move Forward Two! Does the email include "I entract your utmost reliance in this information's and the transaction as whole?" Go back to START, loser!

SpamTWO: CHXXEAP V-I¡ªA-GRRA

Is Viagra Horribly misspelled? (VGIRFRRGA) Change locations with another player on the board! Is it just annoyingly misspelled? (V/I/A/G/R/A/) Move back two! Does your miracle drug offer between 36-48 hours of nonstop erections??? Move ahead four spaces and forward me that email! My mistress often complains that my erections only last a shade under a day.

SpamTHREE: Amir, it's your mother, please respond or I'll cut you off financially.

Does your email seem conspicuously personalized? Move ahead four. Does your email reference very specific dates in your past, such as your birthday and your bar mitzvah? Move back three. Does your email draw attention to your social security number and very important banking information? Check another email, this one is too creepy.

SpamFOUR: δ³�ÖZŽÚ¸æ¡ù év�ĤΟo¤¤·½¤Ë¤�¤ªÊÖÊý¤Ç¤¹¤¬�÷³ý¤ò¤ª

Is your entire email written in a completely illegible southeastern asian font? Double your next roll. Can you only assume this email is about some sort of mail order bride system because the pictures look provocative? Move back two. Have you in fact ordered this mail order bride, had her come over to your house, cook you eggs, told her they weren't sunny side up, they were scrambled, and one more mistake could mean the difference between her wrapping seaweed around Japanese rice crackers and staying in America? Go back to start.

SpamFIVE: SEE PARIS HILTON FUCKING AN OX USING AN OLSEN TWIN AS A CONDOM!

Does the title to your bizarre fetish email reference a sexual desire you've HEARD of? Move forward one. Does the body of the email itself refer to such deviantly sexual acts you had no idea humans could imagine such specific paraphilia? Draw a Community Chest Card. Are you just an eensy bit curious to see what this website has to offer? Go directly to jail, pervert.

Well that's enough to get started. Spam is best defeated when tackled semantically, because when unwanted mail becomes wanted mail, a paradox is born! And speaking of large-but-adorable kids and television principals, click on this picture below!

Oh and of course these COLDLINKS! (You are disappointed until you realize that today is in fact OPPOSITE DAY!)

You guys don't know this, but the main few people that run Collegehumor.com live in a house together. Now, I don't "live in that house"� per se, but sometimes they invite me over to play cards and vacuum. Last week I was there, and they asked me to clean their attic. (A Tee Tee I See, indeed!) I figured, what the hell, I'm already dusting their computers, I might as well poke around up there and organize!

However, I never expected to find what I did! Under a box titled "OUR FAKE DIPLOMAS"� was a Collegehumor.com update written in 1919 on Parchment by a Phinnegan T. Binnyworth. It was preserved almost in its original state by tree sap for some reason. After hours of excavating I folded this manuscript up and ran home immediately. So here, in its first public reading, is Phinnegan T. Binnyworth's 1919 Collegehumor.com update entitled: The Gilded Age? What a load of Buttermilk!

Well the war is finally over, and I could not be happier! Why? Because its time to finally Cotillion! The waltzing! The Root Marm! The lollygagging! The Quagglepussing! If only T.S. Eliot were famous yet, he would put to words what many collegiate studentry's could only hope to witness with their own eyes! But most college kids don't know how to throw a proper cotillion! (FOR SHAME!) Well that's why I'm here. Here are Phinnegans four rules to a presentable party!

1) The Ladies: When choosing which females to invite, there is no greater indicator than the size of her hips. Make sure all hips at your box social are wide enough to bear offspring. There is no point in holding hands with your sweet heart if her pelvic bones aren't wide enough to give birth to your junior. Also, no harlots. Nobody fancies a lady who hugs before the ninth date, it's simply uncalled for. Also, I'm British.

2) The Drinks: Egg Nog, Milk Nog, Fruit Nog, really anything Nog based will do. A party without Nog is like a princess without frog. Make sure nothing alcoholic is served, prohibition is right around the corner and you don't want to be the one rotten seed, this isn't Austrio-Hungary remember?

3) The Music: Silence. Music is for negroes. If a party is really buzzing, the conversations create a certain din that's almost rhythmic. I say almost rhythmic because rhythm is for negroes.

4) The Attire: Black tuxedos are for the gymnasium. In order to make your party a truly collegiate and formal affair everybody needs to arrive in 9 piece suits, even the nog. Hat, Monacle, Binocular on a stick, Shirt, Coat, Coattails (of gentlemanly length no doubt), Pantaloons, Pantaloon warmers, and wooden shoes. Women should wear similar fare as they would to the stomping grounds, minus the candied yams of course *haughty laughter*

Please, do not gloss over those four rules. Nothing follows a Great War quite like a Great Party. We must sieze the day! Because we left those Germans with so little, who knows when the next World War is going to be! I'm off to find a printing press. Good day. Oh and enjoy these presumably linkable hotlinks, though I don't know what electricity, computers, websites, nor hyperlinks are.

* We've got a bunch of new games, thanks to Justin putting them up. So play those and thank Justin while you do.
* Impress your professors with satire that's smart, visit CollegeHumor supporter RealStupidNews here.
* Matt has a new Ah, College out called "Not another Valentine's Day column..." so check it out here and see if why it's not...
* Get all up in these hotlinks.