Oh my God, this is really embarassing. I meant top ten inventions of 2004, but my delete key is broken. "¦. Jesus, how can I be so absentminded?! You build up a reputation after writing so many updates, I just don't wanna screw it up, ya know? Some people actually FIND me funny, and here I am losing their trust all over again. My dad was right, I am gonna blow this eventually. Anyways, ummm"¦ okay, here's the top 5 inventions of 3004:

5) The Bread"¦ Generator: Ever want a loaf of bread but you're too lazy to get off your"¦ HOVERBOARD! Well now you can generate bread out of complete nothingness, which I think is a big deal in 3004. Do people still eat bread? You betcha! Info-bread! Each morsel brings you closer to enlightenment!

4) The Internet Again! Think back to a time before humans were just robots that were programmed to know everything and you'll remember a little entity known as the WORLD WIDE WEB! Well it's back and better than ever! This time you can play games over a wireless network and find recipes for your favorite snacks! But you will not feel any emotional intelligence as robots are still not capable of synthesizing real human feelings well until the 32nd century. But that doesn't matter because 3004 also marks the invention of"¦.

3) The Sun Not-Blowing up machine! Scientists in 2004 had called for a supernova of earths sun within a few millennia, which means at any given point our largest source of heat/energy/SPRINGBREAK!!! could simply explode, or implode, and reak instant havoc. However, since the sun is 93,000,000 miles away, we wouldn't feel the ramifications for at least 8 minutes after it exploded, which gives you plenty of time to finish those chores, little Billy! Buy your Sun-Not Blowing up machine today! And won't that machine look peachy keen next to"¦

2) AOL 10.0: "The company, a unit of the gigantic AOL Time Warner media combine, is touting AOL 10.0 as the most dramatic upgrade of its software and service ever. And the changes do seem to fall in line with the company's goal, as stated in a 28-page promotional booklet released to the press along with an advance version of the client, of providing "an Internet experience that is safer, more secure, effortless and makes it fun to be online." - aol.com

1) Caller Id-Block Block Block Block.: Finally the momentum shifts! It's time to exact revenge over those Caller ID Block Block Block users! This invention is indeed a dish best served cold. Watch their faces turn red with horror on the videophone I can only assume everybody owns by now!

The End.

Plugs! Our friends The Smut Dr's (of Internet Radio fame) have a new site called Net Foxes. So if you're a fan of hot girls, check that out here. Steve has a new Observational Humor out called Toasting Not Toasting. Also, Mindy has a new Sex column out called "Talking with the Wingman."� If you're a girl, you should definitly read it to find out our little "secrets." Now view this series of actionable links.

So you wanna be a cool college guy huh? Not with THAT attitude. Ha ha ha ha. Hi. I'm Amir Blumenfeld. I am a Junior at my university, though technically I have enough units to be a senior. I am not a "cool person"� as you should have already suspected because I just mentioned "units."� First tip about being a cool kid in college is that you never ever talk about classes, and you definitely never ever talk about units. Here are four more tips:

1. Hair: Do you put effort into making your hair seem cool? Don't. All cool kids put zero effort into their hair. When it's messy you do nothing. When it gets long, you never, under any circumstances PAY for a haircut! There is nothing more uncool than paying somebody to cut your hair. You can either do it yourself, or occasionally push the hair out of your face with your fist. Using fingers shows effort and that's simply uncool. Some people put a lot of effort into making their hair look unkempt, like me, however that effort shows and often times your left looking considerably less cool, like me. Oh, and shave every third Tuesday, but not with a blade, with a stick. Hell ya.

2. Clothes: Hey when did you buy that outfit your wearing? Did your answer start with a "two-thousand?"� Because if so, you're not cool. The clothes you wear today should be the ones you wore in 7th grade. The smaller, the more worn down the better. Is your shirt so thin you can see your nipples through it? Great. Now you're getting somewhere nerd. The shirt you wore to sixth grade P.E. is a great start. How bout a sports team that doesn't exist anymore? Anything Quebec Nordiques or Vancouver Grizzles = instant cool.

3. Demeanor: Do not speak loudly. No cool person speaks loudly. Say few, small, words but every once in a while drop a really big one just to show you've got the capability, you're just too cool to use it. Example:

Girl: Hey
You: Sup.
Girl: I've never noticed you before. I like your shirt -- P.E. Huh? It's cute.
You: Sup.
Girl: I like your hair, is that effort I see?
You: You know it ain't, bitch. Sesquipedalian.
Girl: * SWOOOOON *

Hell ya.

4. Social Life: I sincerely hope you're not reading this in public, because cool people do not "check stuff out online."� They have AOL instant messanger but only sign on three minutes a week to show how little time they have to waste time online. On the weekends you have two options. You can be a reader, which means you're cool because you read non-nerdy long books like Gravity's Rainbow or Being and Time. Or you can be a guy in a band. All you need to pull that look off is a guitar case.

If you put in a lot of effort, and follow these tips, you're automatically uncool. No cool person actually changes their personality after reading an article they found on the Internet. Just be yourself, but not if you're nerdy. If you're nerdy follow these tips, and you should be cool. Not Cool, cool, but like"¦ better.

Hell ya.

1. BallerIcons came out with two new CollegeHumor icons, so go check out those, or their other thousands of icons. (Just watch out for the popups)

2. Are you a fan of blatant ripoffs? Then you'll get a kick out of Jay Barimani's column in the Penn State Daily Collegian entitled "Ten College Commandments" published on April 8th (with a follow-up), which bears a striking resemblance to Streeter Seidell's "The Ten Commandments of College" (if you switch the words around nobody will know!) published here three days earlier on April 5th.

Way to go, Jay! I mean, granted only 5 million people read this site every month and we only have two regular columnists that go to your school. But if you change some things like "Thou Shalt Write Witty Away Messages" to "Thou shalt leave cheesy/clever away messages," you should be in the clear. But seriously, give the kid a break- he's only a senior Journalism major.

3. Check out these hotlinks. But be careful- they're hot!!