My parents are out of town and I have to take care of my dog. These are funny conversations I would have with my dog if he were a belligerent human.

Amir: Chico what do you want for breakfast?
Chico: Nothing, asshole.
Amir: Chico, now come on, you have to eat something, You didn't eat dinner last night, mom's gonna get pissed at me.
Chico: I SAID NOTHING OKAY LEAVE ME ALONE *chico turns on his gameboy*
Amir: Chico come here.
Chico: leave me alone okay? *burp*
Amir: Chico, is that booze on your breathe?
Chico: No. go away.
Amir: Come here. *grabbing him by the collar bringing him towards me*
Chico: Let go of me! I was on level two of Castlevania!!
Amir: Lick my face.
Chico licks amir's face.
Amir: Well, that was fucking adorable, but there's rum on your breathe.

Chico runs upstairs.

Amir: I know where you're going! You can't hide Chico!

2 hours later...

Amir: Chico come here I have a doggy treat for you!
Chico: Alright alright, gimme two minutes.
Amir: Chico? Are you smoking in there?
Chico: Umm"¦ no?
Amir: Open this door right now chico!
Chico: Gimme like, 2 minutes dude, I swear.

Amir opens door, Chico is standing by the window smoking a joint.

Amir: Unbelievable! Chico! Put down that marijuana cigarette!!
Chico: (on phone) Hey hold on a sec, my DAD just walked in the room.
Amir: Okay, that is UNFAIR.
Chico: (hanging up fone) Yah well its true! Lighten up, ass. *chico waves the smoke away with his paw*

3 hours later...

Amir: Chico, I have to take you on a walk at least twice a day.
Chico: Alright, but can we do it after Celebrity Poker Showdown?
Amir: Okay but don't ruin this episode for me, I haven't watched it, I like to watch them all the way through.
Chico: Alright, Jesus, just give me twenty minutes and we'll go walk.
Amir: Fine, just call me.

20 mins later...

Chico: Yeah! I'm ready.
Amir: Alright lets go.
Chico: Jeneane Garafalo won.
Amir: Youre a fucking dick, you know that?

Bedtime...

Chico: Hey Amir
Amir: Yeah Chico?
Chico: I know I come across as a real belligerent human sometimes, but I don't mean it.
Amir: That's okay. Sometimes I come down a little hard on you too.
Chico: Well, I guess we can both agree to disagree!
Amir: You're shitting on my bed.


THE END. The moral of the story is: threefold.

Not too much news to report. But don't miss these SUPER-HOT HOTLINKS. There's funny stuff in there, like this commercial! (warning: contains wang touchin'). TTYL's!

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Hey you. Yeah, you! You sitting there, hunched over on your computer. You with your blue/green/brown eyes peeled from within a dorm room, or an apartment, or a computer lab or your parent's house. For the past couple years you have sat down at that same computer, reading articles on this website that have been tailor made for you. You with your nights of drinking and partying and bongs made of discarded pizza boxes. Well this article isn't for YOU, so stop reading! This article is for everybody else! This article is for THE REST OF US!

I have never played beer pong! That's right, I said it! I've never actually been to a frat party and played beer pong. I know what it looks like. I've seen photos of cups on a table! I can only imagine it involves throwing a ping pong ball into a beer and drinking it, but I cannot say for sure, because I have never played!

I don't really like ramen noodles all that much. Sure I'll eat some on the side of a sandwich occasionally, but they do not line the insides of my cupboard! Call me crazy, but when I'm hungry for dinner, I make teriyaki chicken. It costs more than 19 cents, but frankly it's an economic sacrifice I'm willing to make.

I study for tests! Please don't adjust your Internet browsers, I assure you, what you have just heard is the truth. On the days leading up to an exam, I head over to the library, sit down, read a textbook, do some practice problems, and familiarize myself with course material! You just don't see pictures of that on this website because frankly, drunk chicks don't make out at libraries! (Though one can dream"¦)

I've never passed out due to drunkenness or written on somebody who has. Once again, I've seen plenty of evidence to the contrary, so I know such a ritual does exist, however, I've never experienced it first hand. In fact, I don't even think I own a Sharpie even if I did wanted to draw a penis and then jizm in the shape of CollegeHumor.com on somebody's face and neck.

During Spring Break I go home! I can't really go to Cancun or Florida because people walk around with backwards hats, board shorts and no shirts on. I, on the other hand, am a pale and lanky individual; plus, all my shorts are khakis. I could attempt to party down on the beach, but I'd rather soak that environment in by watching MTV for a couple of minutes, then switching over to Comedy Central. South Park is on.

So what does one like me do!? Sure I can write humorously and act silly when instant messaging, but they don't give out awards for that! Or so I thought"¦.

Last month my friend told me that Yahoo! Was having a competition to find the funniest pair of instant messengers on earth, and we applied on a whim. Three weeks and several rounds of interviews later, me and my buddy Court (who also writes for this site) are one of 7 pairs of finalists in Yahoo's IM Live competition (slash nerdfest).

Starting TODAY! We will instant message to each other back and forth from 5-8pm pacific time every day for a week, and people are supposed to come in and vote for the most entertaining pair. I am here to beg for your vote. So go do your good deed for the day and (click here) and vote for Amir B and Court S - Team Three! You can vote every day during the allotted time and every time you do, your name is entered into a lottery to win a trip to Hawaii as well. So the more you vote, the greater your chances! So eat some beans with every meal! Oh and umm"¦ if you vote for us every day, you'll feel so good about yourself you won't even WANNA do charity work for a week! (wiiiiiiiiiiiiink)

Thanks to MagazinesForCheap for sponsoring this update. They've got a combo deal of a year of Maxim and Stuff for $10. Forreals.

Steve has a new Observational Humor out called Excusing America's Gas Problem. And speaking of which, his new CD just came out and it's hilarious. Info here.

Now enjoy these ever-so-hot links.