Amir Blumenfeld's Articles

Hey guys, Amir here with some hot end-of-the-year entertainment news. Unless you've been living under a rock (or living under Iraq - Kuwait) you are very familiar with the myriad of countdowns VH1 has aired this year. Hottest this, coolest that, and the other. Well I've compiled a list of their lists, and here is a countdown of the greatest VH1 countdowns of 2004! (Note: This list is NOT real. The jokes you are about to read are facetious and satirical, for actual news please visit CollegeSerious.org)

5. Top 100 Luke Warm Celebrities of 2004: VH1 counted down a list of 100 luke warm celebs for 2004, and frankly, America listened. These are those people in Hollywood who aren't quite hot, but aren't quite not hot either. They reside in a grey area under the radar, but some reside in an area that's grayer than others! Most notable luke-warm celebrities include: Ray Ramano, Derek Jeter, Heather Locklear, and probably the luke-warmest celebrity of all time: Gene Hackman.

4. 101 Celebrity "Shit I left my keys in the car"� moments caught on tape: VH1 startled the entire United States/Kingdom when they released this bad boy in late November. Hot, raw, unadulterated footage of these primo "Shit I left my keys in the car"� moments. Watch Freddie Prinz Jr. call AAA! Check out Christina Aguilera get Dirty"¦ with AAA! And I'll be damned if that wasn't Will Smith getting jiggy with AAA! Even the stars have their life-threatening tragedies!

3. Top 500 Celebrity Scandals involving Sandals: Hollywood Lore has it that VH1 first compiled a list of 1,500 Scandals involving Sandals that they then widdled down into a watchable 500. This week long extravaganza included the time Jerry Seinfeld wore sandals and stubbed his toe, to the #1 sandal scandal of all time: Drew Barrymore wearing sandals!

Rumor has it, VH1 is going to follow this baby up in 2005 with their list of the top 100 Scandals involving Sandal Candles. Sandal Candles are sandals you light up with your dance moves.

2. I love the 20's: Strikes Back: Remember Hoola Hoops? Hitting a ring with a stick? Herbert Hoover? Herbert Hoover's Hoola Hoop? Saying that three times fast? Well so does Hal Sparks, Tommy Lee, and the black guy from MAD TV and they're not afraid to talk about it! Watch D-list celebrities reminisce about a period in time your great great grandparents cant even recall -- because they're dead. And no matter how hard you wish, no matter how many prayers you make, no matter how many candles you light, you ain't never gonna bring them back! YA HURD! Rated G.

Our countdown concludes with the number one countdown on VH1 in 2004, after this line break.

Hey we're back.

1.VH1's 200 greatest 6-hit wonders. VH1 dissects the anatomy of the oft-fabled myth: the six hit wonder. What makes certain bands like Hootie and the Blowfish, and Blues Traveler release six hot hits then seemingly die out? See which bands are Less than Jake but Better than Ezra in this hot 12 hour mini-special which airs at the bottom and top of each day. I for one can never ever never get enough!

Can't wait till 2005, where VH1 airs the top 2004 years before this one but after Jesus was born!!

Jew-Ladies, and Gentile-men! Since the dawn of man, nay, since the dawn of TIME (magazine), December has pitted America's two greatest holidays against one another. In one corner stands Christmas (or X-mas for short), and in the other stands Chanukkah (or Hanukkah for short). Each year the debate is made, but a victor has never been crowned. That is why today, on this very webular site, I have been chosen as a non-biased jewish arbiter (or judge for short) to decide once and for all which Holiday is the the GREATEST OF ALL TIME!

DURATION:

Chanukkah: By definition, Chanukkah is 8 times longer than Christmas.
That's an extra WEEK of presents, dreidels, Jews, and gifts, and presents.
Christmas: 1 day. How fucking cute. Hey remember Christmas when you were 12? You should, it was only one day long. More like one day SHORT! Stick to praying, Christianity... Jesus Christ. LITERRRLLALAY!

POINT: CHANUKKAH (1-0)

SONGS:

Chanukkah: Umm... we got the one about the Dreidel... oh and a song or two about Judah the Maccabee. Sisqo's the Thong Song makes veiled references to the Menorah (Baby make your booty go Dunuh Dunuh.) But other than that, not much.
Christmas: I know it's been said, many times many ways, but these songs (jingle bell jingle bell jingle bell) ROCK! Frank Sinatra, Bing Crosby, N-Sync! Everybody wants to sing these timeless classics! I know that I can't eat my morning chestnuts roasted on an open fire without thinking of that song about a partridge in a pear tree! On the first day of Christmas my true love would give me a CD! NOW THAT'S WHAT I CALL RELIGION Vol. 12!

Point: CHRISTMAS! (1-1)

FOOD:

Chanukkah: You gotta love a holiday whose food requirement is anything fried in Oil. Potato Pancakes, Donuts, Donut Pancakes, Potato Donuts, Potancake Donut Cakes. Docake Potatancake Oil Cakes, Dopancato Pakes, Christian Babies. You name it, we eat it!! As long as you name "Dopancato Pakes."
Christmas: I have NO idea what eggs are, and I sure as hell have no idea what nog is. I make it a point not to drink anything thick and yellow. What's that? Egg Nog is a drink, not a food? Ha ha ha, groveling will earn you no pity points Christmas....

Point: CHANUKKAH (2-1)

MOVIES:

Chanukkah: Lets see, there's 8 Crazy Nights... Um... Does Schindler's List count?
Christmas: Home Alone 1, shame on you. Home Alone 2? Shame on me.

Point: CHRISTMAS (2-2)

WHAT WOULD JESUS DO:

Chanukkah: Jesus celebrated Chanukkah. He was pretty good at dreidel but his potato pancakes were a little dry. You shoulda seen the expression on his face when his mother ate his latkes! LOL!
Christmas: Jesus didn't even know about Christmas when he was alive. Unless you think he's alive in all of us today, in which case you're wrong, he's not.

Honestly, he isn't.

POINT: CHANUKKAH (3-2)

SONGS:

Chanukkah: Yah I still got nothin.
Christmas: STILL enjoying them!

POINT: CHRISTMAS (3-3)

IT'S A DRAW! Or as I like to call it: A Drwanzaa! Thats right, there is a third party candidate we didn't take into account and that's Kwanzaa.

Kwanzaa was started at UCLA in 1961 by the military to help them communicate electronically. Today over 3 billion people around the world are online and chatting in different Kwanzaa rooms and using Kwanzaa to buy their gifts online. Consider yourself smarter. Because you can't pronounce EDUCATION, without the JEW!

Speaking of the Jew, have you guys clicked on every single hotlink yet?

You know how some people like to bite their nails, and some people like to crack their knuckles? Well my vice is dressing up as a cat burglar and stealing important documents from television network buildings.

Last week I hit up Television City, the main office building for CBS and its subsidiary sister station UPN, and frankly I hit the mother lode. I was up to my neck in confidential documents and grabbed as much as I could, stuffing it into my trench coat pockets. It was only later on, at home, while sorting these documents that I
realized the importance of what I had just stolen.

CONFIDENTIAL INFORMATION: FIVE NEW CSI SHOWS IN THE WORKS!

We all know about CSI: Crime Scene Investigators, as well as CSI: Miami and the new CSI: New York, but these new CSI's will literally rock your socks off. By literally, of course I mean figuratively. But without further ado, here is a quick list and summary of these new CSI shows that will LITERALLY shock you to your very core (figuratively again).

CSI: ANTARCTICA- Thirteen episode mini season roll out plan effective January 1st. Initial episodes revolve around story line of missing glacier. Glacier will be found by episode 5 behind another glacier. The rest of the season will be dedicated to a penguin who loses her beak. Beak will be found by episode 13 behind the initial glacier. Place this show in timeslot behind Everybody Loves Raymond and watch ratings soar.

CSI: VANUATU- What happens when Survivor meets CSI? Seriously, what happens? Perhaps a gaffer will lose a necktie, or a mystery will unravel around Jeff Probst and the missing vowels in his last name. Vowels will be eventually found behind Antarctic glacier. Place CSI: Vanuatu behind Survivor: Vanuatu Thursday at 9/8c and position this night as the most Vanuatu-based night in television history. Watch ratings soar.

CSI: FALLUJA- There's nothing hotter right now than Iraq! Honestly, temperatures are reaching 145 degrees in the shade, and close to 10 million degrees on the sun. Pilot to feature mystery revolving case of a missing weapons of mass destruction. Will these weapons be found? Only time will tell. Hopefully series will send sooner rather than later, we're losing hundreds of potential viewers every month. Soldiers have Nielson TV ratings boxes too, you know!

CSI: THE MOON- "Moon" will instantly differentiate itself from the rest of the "earth based" CSI's. Commercials to feature brand essence statement : IF YOU THOUGHT CSI ON EARTH IS INTENSE, YOU AINT SEEN NOTHING YET! Find out who stole that flag Neil Armstrong put up there. Where did all these craters come from? Who stole the gravity!? Watch as detectives Julianna Margulies and Dylan McDermott (no relation) hop around in space suits and communicate using really muffled walkie-talkies. Sell walkie-talkies on website. Watch ratings soar.

CSI: Herman's Head- Remember Herman's Head? Well CBS recently bought the rights to use Herman's Head from FOX for 11 dollars and whatever was left of the sandwich they were eating during the meeting. The premise of Herman's Head was four people living within the mind of one man: Herman. The premise of CSI: Herman's Head revolves around mysteries that occur between these people that live within the human head. Perhaps "the sex drive" steals something from "the rational part." All right we never really saw Herman's head, we just ran out of places in the galaxy to hold these CSI's! Debuting behind CSI: Antarctica which debuts behind Everybody Loves Raymond. Expect carry-over ratings to hold through two time slots. Raymond is simply that hilarious.

That's it for now! Come back next week when I divulge FOX's all new TV LINEUP featuring MY BIG FAT OBNOXIOUS REALITY TV SERIES, and Beverly Hills 90210-3044: The Specific Zip Code Years.

Dean's got a new column out, so check that. Now hit up these hotlinks and have a wonderful Chrismukkah, you fool.