It's that time of four years again! The summer games are upon us, and with over 70 hours of coverage PER day, it may seem a little overwhelming"¦ AT FIRST! See how I did that? I made it seem like it was going to be overwhelming before the ellipse and then afterwords I made you think otherwise. That's because the rest of this article is going to be about breaking down the Olympic coverage alphabetically into tiny bite sized nuggets of comedy. I hope you enjoy"¦ ENTERTAINMENT! See how I did that? (please note: Time and channels have been completely made up by me, odds of both being correct are slim to nil, please check your local tv affiliate for exact programming information.)

ARCHERY- When it comes to the only Olympic sport in which people can die, you might wanna keep your eye out on this one. The drunken Women's team event is your best bet. The East German team is bound to slip up and let one fly towards the gallery. (4 AM est. on NBC)

BADMINTON- A little birdie told me this event is much cooler than you would think. (LOL! A little badminton humor never hurt anybody!) Besides, chicks really dig this event, huddle up with your sweetheart and check out a match or two. Odds are, she'll be sucking your shuttlecock by game 3! (LOL! A little badminton humor never hurt anybody!) (6:30 PM est on MSNBC)

BASEBALL- If you think American baseball is boring, wait till you see Cuba battle the Netherlands. Effing lame. (2:30 AM est. on BRAVO!)

BASKETBALL- Some good NBA players get completely worked by international teams. "I don't get it, on the streets people try to dunk, yet here all they do is make three pointers. Its not fair"� LeBron James would have said if he was completely truthful to the media. To those who think black basketball players are the best in the world (Larry Bird!) you might wanna check out a game or two and realize small fast white people can do some real damage on the hardwood. (4 AM est. on SHOWTIME)

EQUESTRIAN- That's like"¦ horse's n' shit, right? (5PM est on MTV2)

GYMNASTICS- That's like "¦ humans n' shit, right? (All the time on Game Show Network)

MODERN PENTATHALON"” Don't confuse this with the ancient pentathlon, you track n' field rookies, you! Whats the difference? Well, the modern pentathlon includes Javelin, High Jump, Long Jump, Hurdles, and 100m Dash, and the Ancient Pentathlon included Javelin, High Jump, Long Jump, Hurdles, and beating your slave with a stick followed by a Greco roman orgy. I for one, prefer the ancient. (4:30AM est. on Oxygen)

SHOOTING- I feel really bad giving medals to people who can gun down clay Frisbees, but hey, take it up with the International Olympic Committee right!? Ha Ha Ha!!! No seriously: International Olympic Committee, Chateau de Vidy, 1007 Lausanne, Swizerland. (6PM est. on TELEMUNDO)

SWIMMING- Michael Phelps this, Ian Thorpe that. It's a little hard for me to consider anything a sport in which dolphins could easily win a gold medal if they competed. Which is why I don't watch Judo. (ain't that a silly visual! Go ahead! Think about it!) (9PM est. on VH1 Classics)

TABLE TENNIS- By far the coolest sport to watch. Its like "The Matrix"� meets "Asian People."� And get this, there's ACTUALLY a player named FORREST GUMP competing! No Joke! Seriously! Just Kidding! (8AM est. on BET)

TRACK & FIELD- Track is cool, but field is a little overrated. Think of track like that cool guy in your class, who sorta wears button down shirts and jeans with flip flops. Ya know? So he's like"¦ kinda smooth with the ladies. Some chicks are all like "Hey where's track? Is he sick today?"� and you're all "Nah he aint sick"� just so you can pretend to be closer friends with track, but in fact you don't even know him. And Field, he's like a foreign exchange student. Ya' digs? (4PM est. on HGTV)

WEIGHT LIFTING- Probably the most primitive sport in the Olympics. I mean, since the dawn of time people have been lifting stuff. Talk about stripping a sport down to its completely bare skeleton. "Alright, fuck rules, and teams, and a ball, all you gotta do is"¦ Lift that."� The more you lift, the better your chances are at getting this gold disc medal thing. Oh, and for the rest of your life you'll just be a completely stubby ox of a human being who is probably incapable of having a tender moment with anybody of the opposite sex because even a display of affection as sensitive as a hug may lead to you completely squeezing your mate to death. But at least you were able to lift 500 pounds worth of weight over your head! I hate you dad! YOU never loved me OR made an effort to see me! YOUR ONLY SON WAS YOUR BRONZE MEDAL IN THE '92 GAMES!!!! (8PM est on Turner Classic Movies)

If you're a CH article junkie, today is your day. Aaron Karo has a new column out today so check that out. As does Eric Wang and Dean Camp. And last but not least, Steve has a new column out today as well as some promo commercials he made that you can check out at the bottom of this page.

Big-ups Ali G style to Double Agent and Axe for sponsoring this update. They've got a list of ten places where girls like to be touched right here. So go learn how to develop your mojo and when you're finished, hit up these hotlinks.

Hey guys. It's Amir again. I know you only allot yourself fifteen minutes a day to read these updates so I shall be curt. Actually, its funny you should mention being curt, because this update is about just that. Its about getting to the point. Being intellectually punctual. Eliminating verbal wandering. Being terse. Brevity. Each sentence grows increasingly shorter to prove a point, people! Allow me to explain.

I find it ironic that some people, myself included, spend endless hours online INSTANT messaging. I mean, if it were truly INSTANT then even an infinite amount of messages would not even amount to anything longer than a nano second. And I feel it could be that way if we just took a few minutes today and learned some of my patented conversation shorteners. I mean, look how successful "LOL"� and "BRB"� have become. But why stop there!? Check out this guide to having a faster conversation and shaving minutes, even millennia off your lifetime.

HWU: Hey Whats Up- Do you really want to waste your time pounding key after key to form a full coherent sentence when all you need is three measly letters? I can type "HWU"� with my face if I wanted to. But I don't. So I won't. Hey you gonna eat that sandwich?

YKM.YFKM: Youre kidding me. You're fucking kidding me!- How often do you get "instant"� messages about something unexpected? Whether it be about a circumcision or a parking ticket or a death in the family, "YKM.YFKM"� is useful probably on an hourly basis. The only thing more important then this acronym is "HWU"� and possibly the air you breathe.

NWDYDT: No way dude! YOU drink that.- I don't know how many games of monopoly I would be able to complete in my spare time, if people simply understood this abbreviation and I didn't have to type out that sentence EVERY SINGLE TIME I used it. It's like, I'm ready to take your hand in mine and walk side-by-side into a new era and you are busy bumbling like a fool! Learn this acronym. Please.

NE,EF: Nice Emoticon! Emoticon-Face!- We've all been there. You are having a nice little conversation then youre loved one hits you with an inane smiley, or the preposterous frowny, or the oft-ever-present "my lips are sealed."� But today is not like every other day. Today you've prepared a quickie comeback of thunderous proportions. When you whip out "Nice Emoticon! Emoticon-Face!"� heads will turn faster than watching the audience at the Daytona 500 on a time lapse camera while turning heads.

ITACCIYFOAYJHTSM: Is that a crop circle in your field? Or are you just happy to see me!- Impress that alien-lover crush of yours with this flirtatious yet intriguing pick up line. The truth, is out there"¦ *pointing at your vagina*

CYSMSOCNYDIYW: Can You see my shoes!? Of course not, YOU didn't install your webcam- Sock it to that lazy friend of yours who's "Hanukkah"� gift is still in its fucking box. Why did you SPECIFICALLY ask me for a Logitech cam if you weren't even going to take the time to read how to install it! What do you mean you don't understand the wiring!? ITS USB! ITS FUCKING USB! Is your KEYBOARD WORKING, because that's the same exact "complex wiring"� that it takes to run that cam! You know what!? I can't do this now. I'm writing an article. I mean it, I will call you when I'm done. Why are you doing this to me right now? Do you LIKE seeing me fail? Do you fucking like watching me whither away and socially die in front of thousands of college kids??

ME embarrassed? Why should I be embarrassed?!? If anybody is being embarrassed its you. Listen, honey, I promise you, when all is said and done, you will be the one that's ashamed. Why?! Because IM Not the one interrupting anybody, and IM not the one who made out with my BEST FRIEND at my dog's funeral. -- Oh I'm sorry, was I not supposed to mention that?! WELL FUCKING DEAL WITH IT! BECAUSE I KNOW I HAVE TO DEAL WITH IT, EVERY EFFING DAY OF MY LIFE. That's right walk away! Because that's the only way you know how to deal with things!! OH AND REMEMBER!!! THAT PINT OF BEN N' JERRY'S IS JUST ICE CREAM! IT ISNT LOVE! Call me!

Gosh, that was rude.

Thanks to the Maxim and Stuff for $10 guys for sponsoring this update. Now here are some hotlinks, fuckers.