Over the past month four different hurricanes have beat up Florida and the rest of the southeastern states. (you know. Arkansas, Alabama... Guam"¦) But after a couple days of windy rain, these hurricanes just disappear off the radar, their fifteen minutes of fame waning faster than William Hung's. (William WHO!?) But I figured it was my duty to do some extensive research and find out what exactly happened to these hurricanes once they left Florida. Remember Francis? Charley? Ivan? And now Jeanne? It wasn't easy, but I caught up with all four of them and I think you'll be PLEASANTLY surprised at what I found.

Charley: Hurricane Charley was the first of the "big four"� and because of that, he has taken his descent into mediocrity very personally. I ran into Charley in a bar in Nevada where he was nothing more than a gust of wind. My hair blowing slightly I asked him how he was doing, just a month after everybody in the news was talking about him. He began rambling about how people have completely forgotten about him, and that he even overheard somebody refer to those Florida Hurricane's as, "The Big Three."� He grew irritated as he reminded me that he had killed 17 people! His was the only storm that had the entire state of Florida wet"¦ back when category five MEANT something.

I then decided to have a little fun with ole Charley and told him to "blow me."� I could tell that he was trying to get something going as he attempted to lift me off the ground and intimidate me, but all he could do was rustle my shirt. "Thanks,"� I replied, "it was kinda hot in here. Oh, and barkeep, close Charley's tab, he's done."�

Frances: Hurricane Frances was by far the most eccentric of the four hurricanes. Did you guys know he has a tongue ring? I'm not saying Hurricane Frances is gay, but when I met up with him at a trendy New York City hot spot he looked VERY chummy with some tropical storm who was wearing fishnet stockings. He seemed very humble about his background and only brought up the fact that he left four million people without power if I brought it up. "Listen, that was then, this is now. I'm more focused on my film career. The key is trying to parlay my news coverage into something more substantial. Are you gonna finish that taco?"� He ordered a Shirley Temple, downed it right quick then told me "excuse me, I'm gonna see if I can poke that "˜cane in the eye of his storm."� Tropical Storm Sylvester seemed offended, then put his hand on my knee, and I just shook my head "no."� These jeans aren't an invitation to rape me!

Ivan: I now realize why Hurricane Ivan has that reputation of being a dick. Firstly, he was an hour and thirty minutes late to our meeting, (Mel's Drive-In diner in San Francisco.) And when I saw the taxi cab pull up and this drunken gust of wind saunter out and into the restaurant I was just in disbelief. I tried to hide my hide my head and stare down at my already cold meal but it was too late. I was recognized instantly (because of my hat that said PRESS) and he collapsed next to me across the table as his accented broken English bombarded me. "What now you ask question reporter man?"� I asked how Jamaica was, and I asked him how Alabama and Lousiana were. He just laughed it off and said "Very bad, its real rainy this time of year. Hurricane season!"� Very funny, you fucking drunk.

The most revealing part about Ivan's character was when his girlfriend, a category three hussy sauntered in with bruises all over her eye. "She fell down stairs."� Ivan commented as he gave her a twenty. Yeah right. But as she walked out the door she fell down more stairs and hit her eye eight more times. Hey, at least Ivan is forthright.

Jeanne: Hurricaine Jeanne was so fresh when I talked to her I had to wear an umbrella hat during the interview. She was still gusting at over 30mph at times and soaking wet. We met at a Starbucks in Nashville and Jeanne was humble, polite, and poignant. Her stance on the upcoming elections is one of "quiet reservation."� As a registered Democrat she doesn't believe the anti-Bush hype she sees on TV. But she does hold some reservations about our president. "His brother, Jeb Bush, Governor of Florida, is very anti-hurricane, and that scares me."� Jeanne said candidly. "Though Kerry hasn't voiced his distaste for canes or tropical storms he has openly voted against us, and our right to marry."� Jeanne continued, "So THAT really rained on my parade."� I just stared at her blankly. "Get it, RAINED on my parade? I'm a storm!"�

I did get it Jeanne"¦ I really did"¦ Really did"¦ forever.

Love,
Amir.

Aaron Karo has a new issue of Ruminations out today so go rock that. And Matt has one too, so do dat too. Or, if you're not into the whole "reading" thing, Mike has a new episode of his animated cartoon Lower Learning out as well.

This update has been brought to you by CHRaw, the ad-free version of the site (with more skin too). Now enjoy these very warm links.

I don't know about you guys but I was born in a small little town near the West Bank called Afula in a small little country known as Israel. Now, I watch the evening news and read the morning gazette like the rest of America, and I must tell you that the media is portraying my home country in a very interesting light. For those of you who've never been to the middle-east, your vision of Israel is probably very skewed. Which is why I've decided to do my part to inform the college population on the truth about Israel, and dispel any rumors that are probably circulating amongst college campuses. (from this point on, I will be referring to "Israel"� as "Israel"� for short.)

Myth: Israel is a giant desert wasteland.
Fact: Only half of Israel is a desert wasteland. This area is known as the Negev Desert. Negev being an acronym for : "Never Ever Go! Even Vegetables!"� But let it be known, that although the southern half of Israel is a desert wasteland, the top half is a dessert wasteland! It rains cupcakes and the streets are made of cheesecake! No wonder Krispy Kreme headquarters is located only 15,000 miles away from this sweet place! Jew-licious!

Myth: Israel is a giant battlefield.
Fact: Although we only hear about the skirmishes and gunfire that occur in Israel, these events usually take place in the West Bank or the Gaza Strip. The same could be said about North America! Although people in Europe often hear about our crazy Canadians or wacky Mexicans, most of those freaks live above or below us! Think of Israel as a twinkie. As long as you can avoid the spongey orange nonsense, there's a lot of sweet cream filling in the middle to get to! But instead of cream filling, its falafels! And instead of Israel"¦ [end metaphor]

Myth: In Israel, everybody eats coconut milk and drinks sandwiches!
Fact: Contrary to popular belief, the food in Israel is Outs-mazing! They can fit mostly everything inside of a pita (breaded chicken breasts, salads, French fries, falafels, hummus) and whatever doesn't fit is grounded up and dranken! Drinken? Drunken? According to my Microsoft word, the correct word is: Drunken. Who the ef knew that!?

Myth: Israel is a giant desert wasteland. Also, my short term memory is so shot, I literally can't remember the beginning of this article.
Fact: Ha Ha! What?

Myth: I'm going to be socially ostracized for this article, both by Israelis and Arabs for making light of a very serious situation in the middle east.
Fact: Yeah, no"¦ that's pretty much true.

Myth: No Hotlinks today! SORRY!!
Fact: (long list of hotlinks)

Quick mentions: First, MagsForCheap (Year 'o Maxim + Stuff = $10) for sponsoring this update and Neil's new column. Word up, son.

Hello everybody! If you're reading this sentence, than you've already begun the most important CollegeHumor.com update ever. While most other articles can promise you laughter, this article can promise you CASH! (Cash means american money.) I've recently discovered a website that turns something that ALL of you own into unadulterated smelly-putrid-rotting-fresh-intimidating money! Please don't let your attention span wear thin at the sight of my obscenely-long-hyphenated-words, keep reading and you will be rewarded with several hundred, if not thousands of moneys.

"BUT WHAT CAN I POSSIBLY HAVE TO OFFER!! I'M JUST A POOR STUDENT!!" No Duh! But you are a poor student with old textbooks! That's right, for those of you who opted not to attend the end-of-the-year bonfire in which students hurled their textbooks into a pit of flame as a means of symbolic vindication (or in my case, were too socially awkward to be invited to any school event that required friendship) your lucky day has arrived! Right now there are thousands of eager college kids begging to buy your old textbooks for pretty darn good prices! So far I've sold 4 old textbooks to the tune of $195.03, and I've still got more to go. And the great thing is, ANYBODY CAN DO IT!

However... you will need to read some comedically written tips in order to ensure that your books will sell... tips written by an experienced writer and book seller! So without further adeiu i present to you... "ERNEST HEMINGWAY'S 5 TIPS TO SELLING OLD TEXTBOOKS!!!"

1) Choose the Right Textbook. Nobody wants to buy an old biology book that discredits evolution and talks about two up and coming "futurists" named Watson and Crick who recently discovered DNA. Textbooks are like cars, if you don't have a history book from 2007 already, you're out of date. The fresher the book the more money you can get. For example, the Dead Sea Scrolls are like textbooks from 2000 BCE. They're the oldest text book out there, and would fetch NO money on textbook reselling websites. However, if you have a Math Book from like... 2003, you could probably get some fine cheese for that amount. (Cheese means cash).

2) Set the Right Price. It's useless to try to sell your old textbook for $300.00 and it is useless to try to sell your old textbook for $1.00. The key is to find a happy medium. So I sometimes use exactly $150.00, I figure its perfectly in between these two extremes! What can go wrong! If that fails, you might wanna see how much the cheapest asking price is for your book is, and subtract a penny. Either method is completely acceptable.

3) Location! Location! Location! Location doesn't matter at all when selling a textbook. Its just a book.

4) Description matters! Some sites will ask you for a sentence or two description of your specific book- this is your chance to shine! Most other people will throw out cliche terms such as "Like new," "No Highlites," "Some ripped pages," or "cum stains! just kidding!" This is where your description will differentiate yourself from the other 100 people trying to sell their book!

Don't try to act like a used car salesman, just tell the truth. Use key phrases like "Look, I'll level with you, this isn't really a book, its a facade I made out of an oak tree" and "If you buy this book, you'll probably get a C, cuz I ain't shippin it!" Buyers will view these honest statements as a breath of fresh air and it might just give you the edge you need over "Johnny-Come-Lately."

5) A Picture is worth a thousand and one words. Because of the weakening of the American Dollar versus the Japanese Yuan, a picture is now worth a little over a thousand words. Some sites allow you to submit a picture along with your description when selling your old textbook.

I was completely dumbfounded to see that 99% of people DO NOT take advantage of this feature! Providing a picture will ensure your buyer that not only do you own the book, but you're also rich enough to own a digital camera, so you're probably not an online criminal! Provide a picture that shows a little skin, that goes for you guys, too! A naked chick, or dude, standing next to a book can GO A LONG way when trying to woo your potential buyer. Besides, do you really care that a pedophile from North Dakota is buying your book just to smell the pages that have been near your crotch? NO! As John Kerry said, "Money is Money, even if it was earned while molesting little kids."

So there you have it! Five easy-to-follow tips that will ensure sweet sexual profit from your old dusty textbooks. If you're still a little unclear on what the final product would look like, check out this page which currently displays a Microeconomics textbook that I'm trying to sell.

Here's to retiring early!!! Ahahaha! Don't Spend your first million too quickly!!! hahaha! Can I borrow your YACHT when you're done with it!?!? Hahaha! What is your BUTLER doing this weekend, I want to start an intramural basketball team and he's got a good jump shot! AH aha hah! Seriously, though, about that YACHT! AH aha ha!! Enjoy these hotlinks! HA AHA HA~!

Matt has a new column out called "My Walk of Shame" so check that out, as well as Dean's new article.

This update has been sponsored by ShockerTees.com, where you can get, well, shocker tee shirts. And now, straight from the home office in Baltimore, MD...