The following are four police reports from universities around America. Three of them are real. One is false. Can you spot the faker?

1) 9:30pm, Oct. 27: Public Safety officers responded to reports of a male student running naked. Officers conducted a field investigation, identified a suspect, formulated a report and submitted it to student affairs.

2) 12:32 a.m. Oct. 20: Security responded to Herriott Residence Hall based on report of two subjects having sex in a 2nd floor men's restroom. Upon arrival, 25 to 30 onlookers had gathered in the hallway and were immediately cleared from the area.

3) 12:57am. Sept. 27: Report of a stolen Chick-Fil-A sandwich at the student center.

4) 1:22am. October 1: Two campus security guards were alerted when they found two Taco-Taco employees urinating, supposedly into food ingredients. Employees were questioned but not detained as no evidence was found near the campus restaurant.

Answers after the jump

To those of you who said Rutgers can only beat crappy teams: You are correct. Pittsburgh sucks. Here's the rest:

1. Ohio State (63) - Fact: Ohio State Wide Receiver Ted Ginn Jr. had a higher passer rating than Indiana's Quarterback, and Ohio State's QB, Troy Smith, had more yards rushing than Indiana's entire team. O-H, N-O!

2. Michigan - Is it just me or is there a huge drop off between #1 and #2? My soultion: Crown OSU as NCAA Champs and have a Michigan/USC second place game.

3. USC - Good news for Trojan fans: USC didn't almost lose to a horrible team this week! Bad news: they were on bye.

4. West Virginia (2) - I cannot believe West Virginia/Louisville is a a battle between two top ten teams. Sidenote: if Louisville wins, you think these two first place voters will give their votes to Louisville? Hey, to be the fourth best, you need to BEAT the fourth best!

The following are four police reports from universities around America. Three of them are real. One is false. Can you spot the faker?

1) Petit Larceny: Sometime after 1900 hours on October 15, a jar of candy corn was stolen from the College Union.

2) A caller reported two seemingly intoxicated individuals begging passers by to "punch them in the face" near Union station. By the time campus patrol security arrived suspects were gone.

3) University student Dennis Austin Behl told ACC Police that a man broke his jaw at about 2 a.m. at Boar's Head Bar on Washington Street. Behl, who is a door keeper for the bar, told police that he was drinking at the bar when a man tried to instigate a fight with Behl. Behl said they worked it out, but later during the night he and the man were joking around and the man gave Behl his phone number. Behl told the man, "I will enter your phone number into my phone as fuck face. Is that OK?"� Behl said the man agreed, but while standing outside of the bar, the man punched Behl. Behl was taken to St. Mary's Hospital where his jaw was wired shut until he can have surgery.

4) There was a report of a goat taken sometime overnight.

Answers after the jump

Welcome to our news in brief piece -- a great way to stay up to date on current events. Oh, and to make things more readable, I've added the phrase "with his dick" to the end of every news story.

In Domestic News:
A Vegas casino magnate accidentally pokes a hole through his pricey Picasso -- with his dick

In international news:
Prime Minister Tony Blair defended Britain's presence in Iraq against sharp criticism Wednesday, saying it would be a "gross dereliction of our duty" to withdraw before Iraqi troops are able to take responsibility for security with his dick

Sports:
Lou Piniella, who guided the Cincinnati Reds to a World Series title in 1990 and played for two championship teams with the New York Yankees, has been signed to a three-year-deal and is entrusted with trying to end the Cubs' frustration with his dick.

Weather:
High today is 66
The low is: with his dick.

In College, the line between "cool" and "sad" is very blurry. Often times, what seperates something awesome from something depressing is merely semantics, or word choice. Check it out:

Cool: Yeah, I totally failed that test.
Sad: Yup, I got a 34%. That's my third F in this course.

Cool: I drink like, forty beers a day, it's pretty bad, haha.
Sad: I force myself to mass consume an inhumane amount of alcohol. Its borderline sadistic and extremely unhealthy. I'm very near death on a nightly basis.

Cool: Dude, I haven't even been to like, one class this semester.
Sad: I haven't attended a single class, not even orientation. I'm certain I've been dropped as a full time student, and to make matters worse, my father had to take an extra job to pay for out of state tuition.

Cool: Whatever, I'm just gonna go home and jerk off.
Sad: My penis is chafed from over-masturbation and I'm clinically depressed.

This week we salute former University of Miami wide receiver Lamar Thomas.

Since graduating in 1993, Mr. Thomas has continued to show devotion for his alma mater by doing color commentary for Hurricane games on Comcast Sports Southeast. While most commentators, especially ex-athletes, try to remain completely neutral and unbiased in their commentary, Mr. Thomas' love and devotion for his beloved Miami Hurricanes is far too strong for 'social norms' and 'journalistic integrity.'

The event in question is a, now infamous, brawl between the University of Miami Hurricanes and the Panthers of Florida International University. As players from both teams rushed the field, some even using their own helmets as weapons, most announcers called the incident an ugly debacle.

Not Thomas.

Thomas, a devoted Hurricaine fan first, and an announcer second, used his lofty stage to proclaim to anybody that would listen, "You come into our house, you should get your behind kicked."

Well, Florida actually lost, Vanderbilt actually won, and Oregon actually found a way to make their jersey's less appealing. Here is everything else:

1. Ohio State (63) - OSU v. Michigan on Nov. 18 is going to be just like OSU v. Texas only actually entertaining.

2. Michigan - The Wolverines haven't looked this good since a young idealistic Gerald Ford played center in the undefeated 1932 season. What I'm trying to say here is, vote Michigan center Mark Bihl for President.

3. USC - How can a team keep winning, yet continuously look worse?

4. West Virginia (2) - Will somebody please beat West Virginia so these two first place voters can find another team to root for.

5. Texas - I bet Texas is starting to regret scheduling that Ohio State game right about now.

6. Louisville - Louisville is the best football team in Kentucky right now. Though Milbrooke Elementary in Hopkinsville is second, so that's not saying much.

7. Tennessee - Tennessee is 5-0 this season when rushing for positive yardage in a game. I hate to second guess their coach, but I would just focus on running forwards...

Are these quotes from a girl breaking up with her boyfriend OR a doctor telling a family their relative has died. Sometimes you just can't tell!

1) "Honestly, no matter what I say, or how I say it, this is going to be very difficult information for you to swallow."

2) "I... I hate being the bad guy... Unfortunately..."

3) "I don't know how to say this... I don't think I can do this anymore. Going out, that is."

4) "I'm so sorry, we did everything we could... Unfortunately your grandfather passed away..."

5) "God I'm so sick of arguing! I really think we should just break up!!! "

6) "Mrs. Johnson? Your son has been in an accident. I'm sorry Mrs. Johnson, we lost him."

7) "I think we need to see other people."

8) "I think you need to see other people. Namely funeral home owners."

Answers: 1) Break-Up. 2) Death. 3) Break-Up. 4) Death. 5) Break-Up 6) Death. 7) Break-Up. 8) Death.

The following are four police reports from universities around America. Three of them are real. One is false. Can you spot the faker?

1) A non-student was sitting in front of Carroll Hall when an unknown individual threw a Mountain Dew can at him from an unknown location on the upper floors of Carroll Hall. Investigation pending.

2) University Police responded to a request from Waltham Police for assistance in apprehending a group of individuals yelling fraternity slogans in East Lot. When Waltham police officers arrived at the scene, the individuals ran into the woods

3) Campus patrol apprehended three male students and one female non-student who were caught near Potsdam Park trying to spray paint a deer. The perpetrators were brought in and interrogated at Wimbly Commons Police Station and released at 11:30pm.

4) A female student reported at 10:49 p.m. that a man sat down next to her in the library and began touching himself, which made her uncomfortable. She moved to a different part of the library, but the man followed her. She then reported the man to library staff, who called Public Safety. Public Safety responded and identified the man as a non-AU affiliated person. The Metropolitan Police Department was notified to do a warrant check on the man, which yielded no information. The man was then escorted off campus.

Answers after the jump

1. Ohio State (63) - Think they can beat the Raiders? Me too.

2. Florida - Turns out this school is good at every sport, but I bet their average SAT score leaves much to be desired!

3. USC - Two uninspiring victories should equal one loss. However, it doesn't and USC is still undefeated.

4. Michigan - Some say Michigan should be #2. Well lets see them beat the likes of Washington State and Kentucky!

5. West Virginia (2) - West Virginia, with an impressive conference record of 0-0 still have two believers out there. Wherever they are... (Charleston)

6. Texas - When your Quarterbacks name is Colt McCoy, you've got a shot to win any football game/duel with pistons at high noon.

10) You use your feet to change the channels on your TV and a stick to turn it off.

9) You drink water out of a bowl because there are no clean cups.

8) You pee into gatorade bottles. (Arctic Green)

7)-thru-5) You find ways to cut corners.

4) You drive to a store on the other end of a parking lot.

3) You type with one hand because you're in a really comfortable position.

2) You do colors, whites, and dishes in the same load.

And the number one way you know youre lazy IS:

1) You find ways to cut corners.

This week we salute University of South Carolina defensive end Kerry Bonds.

Although it sounds like Kerry Bonds is the ill-conceived pseudonym Barry Bonds gave himself, we assure you, Kerry is a real seperate human, and his actions are actually more awesome than steroid abuse.

The 6-foot-2, 212 pound Bonds is accused of assaulting the 5-foot-2, 121 pound Rachel Jackson. I'm not sure who Rachel Jackson is, but she sounds to me like she had it coming.

While most football players turn off their aggressive alter-egos after the game, Mr. Bonds' rage knows no temporal bounds.