Amir Blumenfeld's Articles

7 total in April 2007

  • Hell Week at the most Mean-Spirited Frat in the World


    Twelve pledges stand at the lobby of a frathouse looking weak, pale, and dejected. The Pledgemaster stands in front of them all. He is pacing.

    Pledgemaster: You guys have been sleeping on our front lawn for a week now. No showers, no food, no friends. Just the brotherhood.  You've earned enough respect for us to take you through hell week.

    Pledge Ben: I thought that was hell week.

    Pledgemaster: Leave. Congrats to the final ten of you.

    Pledge Alan: There's eleven of us.

    Pledgemaster: Goodbye. Welcome to the real final ten.

    Everybody starts clapping.

    Pledgemaster: Hell week is gonna be brutal. There's no doubt about it. Point blank: Hazing sucks. But don't worry: No gay stuff. No forced-drinking.

    Pledge Calvin: Awesome.

    Pledgemaster: Calvin. You're being very talkative today. Why don't you take out your cell phone and have a nice little chat with your mother. Call her and tell her that your little sister has been in a car accident.

    Pledge Calvin: I don't have a little sister, sir.

    Pledgemaster: Then Rory, call Calvin’s mother and tell her that her precious son is dead.

    Rory begins dialing.
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  • Prank War Continued: Streeter Bombs

    When we last left this prank war, Streeter was embarrassing me in front of my coworkers.

    I decided in order to raise the stakes, I would need to embarrass him in front of 100 strangers.

    I call this latest installment of the prank war: "Streeter Bombs." Warning: Very Uncomfortable.

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  • Three Classy Assholes

    Trev Johnston, Trony Jihnson, and Juan Troyson are at a party, in a corner, drinking beers, observing the action.

    Trev: Wo, wo, wo, 4 o clock, dudes. Look, at that, ass.
    Juan: I can't tell analog time.
    Trony: I'm gonna marry the shit outta her.
    Trev: That one, bro.
    Juan: Oh, man. What I wouldn't give to get a coffee with THAT.
    Trev: Yup... some decaf cappacino, and before you know it...
    Juan and Trony: LIGHT CONVERSATION!
    Trev: Yeah buddy. Cover me, ladies, I'm going in.

    Trev goes to talk to her.

    Juan: Man, I am tired.
    Trony: Oh yeah?
    Juan: Yup, Lena came over last night, we cuddled ALL. NIGHT. LONG.
    Trony: Spoon that shit like a butternut squash bisque!

    Juan and Trony shake hands. Trev comes back.

    Trev: Excelsior.
    Juan: Got the digits?
    Trev: Better. Address.
    Trony: Oh snapdragons.
    Trev: Some roses... a bottle of chardonnay... a thoughtful card... and in a
    couple of weeks...
    Juan and Trony: Going Steady!
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  • This Is Why I'm Actually Hot

    I'm hot cuz I'm fly,
    You aint cuz you're not,
    This is why This is why This is why I'm hot.

    I'm hot because on weather.com,
    It said it would be 55,
    But now it's sunny and clearly warmer than that.
    I mean, my car thermometer says 71, and that usually lowballs it.
    This is why This is why This is why I'm hot.

    I'm hot because I'm wearing a wool sweater,
    I thought it was cotton, because I have a green cotton one as well,
    That's the risk you run when you shop at J.Crew.
    And I can't really take it off because my undershirt is the one I went to the gym in, and it has pit stains.
    This is why This is why This is why I'm hot.
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  • Official Shame Scale

    In life there are instances that result in great shame and instances that result in a little shame. The shame you feel will fall somewhere on a ten point scale. But what exactly is a 1 or a 5.5 or a 9 on a shame scale? The guide below will tell you!

    The Shame Scale
    (1 Being the Lowest, 10 the Highest)

    1    - Cursing in front of your grandmother.

    1.5 – Clogging the toilet at a Taco Bell.

    2- Asking for a fork at a Chinese restaurant.

    2.5 – Tripping while walking on the sidewalk but not falling.

    3- Being seen with your parents while in high school.

    3.5 – Eating fast food for back-to-back-to-back meals.

    4- Sitting next to a black guy in your American History class.

    4.5- Clogging the toilet at a fancy restaurant

    5- Never seeing Terminator 2.
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  • Two Drunk Sorority Sisters Talk About Killing Somebody Last Night

    Leslie: Oh my god, Kel, you were such a slut last night. I swear.

    Kelly: Shut up, d-bag, you were so slutty last night, you were being such the whore!

    Leslie: Okay, but can I just say, that when you took that baseball bat to Derek's skull, I LOST IT! I couldn't stop cracking up.

    Kelly: O-M-G I know! But you were standing on his hands with high heels when he tried to call 911! You're such the super slut.

    Leslie: His broken hands were so hard to walk on with my stiletto heel. I can still hear him scream.

    Kelly: Ugh, that was SO annoying. It's like, who wants to be with someone that whiny? Let me see your nails, you have skin under there, take my file.

    Leslie: Ew. Thanks, biatch. But you have to admit, he was being such a d-bag.

    Kelly: Totes.

    Leslie: You know when you were shoving his eyes back into his brain while he yelled for mercy one last time? I had that Justin song in my head. "Sick of all these people crying about. What's the deal with this pop life and whens it gonna fade out."

    Kelly: Oh my god, we should go dancing tonight.
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  • Guy Who Hears Photobooths Are Fun But Doesn't Really Get It

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    • Amir Blumenfeld UC Berkeley

    About Me

    I'm so good at photoshop, I make Mother Theresa look like Josef Stalin.

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