Amir Blumenfeld's Articles

7 total in June 2007

  • Yoni Miller, a Bitter Cell Phone Reviewer, Reviews the Nokia N95

    Big news this week in the cell phone world. The Nokia 95 is out. Or, the N95. Whatever.

    The Nokia N95 is all right.
    The Look: The N-95 is very simple and has only six surface buttons. I think the iPhone is fully touch screen, but Hutchinson won't let me see his even though technically I've been working here longer than he has. He only landed that review because he won a coin toss. Boss told me so. It's silver and shiny. The N95 that is.

    Size: At 4.5"x1.5 inches it's smaller than the iPhone, though I can't be for certain because the crowd around Hutchinson when he first took his iPhone out of the box was too large to get a clear shot of the phone in his hands.

    Sound: The N95 has stereo quality audio. I would tell you how it compared with the iPhone, but it's tough to hear a cell phone when people are chanting "Hutch-in-son! Hutch-in-son!" over and over. Even after you tell people to shut up, they still chant so hard.
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  • Letter from Private Trent Hafner to Tom Curley, President of the Associated Press

    Dear Mr. Curley,

    Sixty-two years ago, in the midst of a historic battle, six of our finest men ran atop Mount Suribachi and raised an American flag on a makeshift flagpole. I know this because I was there, Mr. Curley. I was at Iwo Jima with my men and I was cropped out of that iconic photograph.

    I have enclosed the original photographs that Mr. Joe Rosenthal sent to me after the war, and you know what? I kind of like them more than the original!

    I hope that you come to realize that it is your right -- no, your responsibility to publish these original photographs, without the artificial borders you gave them in 1945.


    Note: I'm the guy on the right.


    Note: On the right, again.


    Note: 7th from the left.


    Note: Still on Right.
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  • The Thought Process of an English Professor as She Assigns Final Semester Grades

    All right Eileen, it's already June, kids are probably begging for their grades, so lets stop cutting coupons and start handing out some grades! Ooo, 60% off haircuts at "Discount Hut."

    Okay. Stop. Focus.

    Now. 15% of their grade is "Participation." Um. Okay. Hmmm... not really sure what that means.

    Takes out calculator so old it prints out the answers on a roll of receipt paper.

    I guess Sarah raised her hand a lot, does that mean she gets a 15? Or a 100? I'll just give her a 115 and figure it out later. My head hurts. I need a break.

    Three days later, Eileen sits back down with an ugly haircut.
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  • Back Fired

    This was Tara Friedman's first day of teaching 2nd grade. She had spent her last four years as a Resident Advisor at UCLA so she did the only thing she knew how to do...

    Tara: Okay children, ice breakers! Everybody sit around the rug Indian style. Now we are going to go around the room and each of you will tell two truths and one lie. Then, the next person will have to guess which one is the lie! Sounds like fun, right!?

    Victoria: Popsicles.

    Tara: Yeah. Okay. Thomas is the first in the circle, so Thomas, please, tell two truths and one lie.

    Thomas: Every night the Tooth Fairy comes to check to see if there are teeth under my pillow, Mommy and Daddy are going to be alive forever and my favorite food is macaroni.

    Tara: Ah. Okay. Nevermind. Who likes blocks?!
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  • Brian Has Away With Words

    Brian Polimer, a college Junior, is trying to brag about last night through his away messages but he's not getting any response. He changes them every so often in hopes that his luck will change.


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  • Useless Facebook Apps

    Facebook Apps sure are something. They allow you to add customizable little widgets to your profile page. Some are useful and cool! (Like CollegeHumor's!) but some are pretty tame and useless. Here is a list of the most useless facebook apps:
     
    Terror Alert Level: Your friends will thank you once they realized our country is now at an Orange level and faces serious security risks. Stay away from bridges.
    This date in weather history: Two weeks ago today it was partly cloudy and 72 degrees. Whoulda thunk!
    Tip calculator: Quickly and easily calculate gratuities anywhere you bring your desktop. 10% never seemed so easy!
    How Your Friends Feel About Spinach: Spinach is one of those foods where people hate it when they're young, but when they get older, they kind of like it. Sometimes they even love it. This will keep tabs on that.
    Moose: This is just a picture of a moose that stays permanently on your profile.
    How much do you look like William H. Macy:  Answer this facial questionnaire and our compass will tell you exactly how much you look like Pleasantville's own William H. Macy.
    Random Number Generator: Come see numbers you’ve never even heard of before because they’re so random. When was the last time you even thought of 817. Honestly, probably never.
    Popcorn Recipe App: Put it in the microwave then just click on the popcorn setting button if your microwave has it. If not, usually three, three and a half minutes or something. Add salt after if you want.
    Charity Work: Put this app on your profile then go do a good deed. The app acts as a reminder to do the good deed. Make sure the deed is good, otherwise the app is unecessary.
    A ruler: Measure the distance between two pixels on a nearby window.
    Swat the Mosqiuto, Win an iPod App: Self explanatory.
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  • A Dinner Party


    A Busy dinner party. There are five couples. Don and Miranda, Craig and Samantha, Ryan and Veranda, Sanj and Kristina, and lastly Gron and Gristida. Everybody has arrived except for Ryan. They are all sitting to eat dinner.
     
    Gristida: So Veranda, where is Ryan?
     
    Veranda: Oh, he's running late. He should be here—
     
    Ryan: (arriving) Any second!
     
    everybody laughs
     
    Sanj: Ryan! Welcome! Can I get you something to drink?
     
    Ryan: Is your drinking water poisoned? The answer may shock you.
     
    Sanj: Huh? No. It's not... wait, what?
     
    Veranda: Oh, sorry. Ryan is a news promo writer. Sometimes he can't quite turn it off after work. Isn't that right, Ryan? (Smiling Sternly) Turn it off though, right now.
     
    Ryan: Sorry honey. (kisses her forehead) Anybody else hungry!?
     
    Samantha: (coming in with a big bowl) Who wants salad!?
     
    Ryan: Do you or does somebody you know have Prostate Cancer? Why some scientists think the cure can be found in a salad, and not in a lab. At 11.
     
    Miranda: It's not even 8...

    Kristina: Okay! (claps) I am starved! Let's eat.
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    • Amir Blumenfeld UC Berkeley

    About Me

    I'm so good at photoshop, I make Mother Theresa look like Josef Stalin.

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