(Four friends sitting around dorm room)

Mike: Wow... I AM TIRED.

Paul: Yeah, me too.

Mike: LATE night. LATE LATE Night.

Chris: You guys wanna do something tonight?

Mike: Oh, man. I have got to take it easy, especially after last night. I got like NO rest.

Ben: Yeah, me neither. I had to finish this annoying paper.

Mike: Oh... I wasn’t doing HOMEWORK. I was doing someb--

(phone goes off)

Mike: Jesus. I hope that’s not YOU KNOW WHO!

Ben: Your mom?

(they all laugh)

Mike: No dipshit, not my mom. The girl I fu--

Paul: That reminds me, I have to get a new phone.

(Mike picks up)

Mike: (into phone quietly) Heymomlemmecallyoubackbye.

(everybody cracks up)

Mike: Sluts, dude.

When we last left our superhero, he was putting his girl in her place when she had the audacity to speak to another person. Extremely Jealous Boyfriend then returned to his college campus, across the country...

Extremely Jealous Boyfriend:I think Amanda is cheating on me, man.

Friend: Nah, you're crazy. Amanda is a great girl, she wouldn't --

Extremely Jealous Boyfriend interrupts his friend with a punch to the jaw. The friend hits the pavement hard. His skull is bleeding. He is shocked.

EJB: We've been friends since second grade... but as of today, you're dead to me. You understand me?

Friend: I just meant... that she's a great girlfriend... and she wouldnt cheat on you...

EJB: If you ever talk about my girl again, I will kill you.

Friend: Your nose... it's... bleeding...

EJB: Goddammit. That means shes talking to another guy. I gotta go.

Friend: Fare thee well, friend... fare thee well. (takes one last breath. Dies.)

Meanwhile, across the country...

This week, an amateur photographer named George Jeffries came forward with new footage from the day of the JFK assassination.

Essentially, Jeffries sat on never-before-seen archival footage of one of the most important moments in American history, and didn’t think to reveal it until his son-in-law (Wayne Graham) persuaded him to hand it over. Can you imagine that conversation? I would think, it would go, a little something, like THIS:

Jeffries: So... Elizabeth tells me you’re in law school.

Graham: Yes.

Jeffries: That’s very good. When I was your age I had no such professional aspirations.

Graham: What was your passion, sir?

Jeffries: I would video tape events.

Graham: Really? Anything of note?

Jeffries:  Nope.

Graham: Nothing... I would have heard of?

Every party you attend in college is like a one sided conversation with yourself. This is what you are basically telling your body every step of the way.

First Shot: Hey baby here's a little poison gift. Come on, I'm just joking. Loosen up, man. It's Saturday! Aw, don't even worry, because after last night, I'm gonna take it easy. You probably wont even feel anything.


Second Shot: That first one was practice, seriously. Two shots will NOT hurt you at all. I bet you won't even feel it. Promise. Hey. Hey! Look at me. I promise, okay? Kay good.


Third Shot: Sorry, that was my bad. They were chanting, things got a little outta hand. I was kinda forced into that. You're not mad are you?


Fourth Shot: Oh, shut up. I went to the gym twice this week and I've been walking to school and back, if anything YOU owe ME one. So, please.

Fifth Shot: I'm not listening! Honestly, I'm not even listening to you.

Everytime I go grocery shopping I become more shocked by the amount of snacks out there tailor made for fatties. Reduced sodium this, sugar free that, vegetables, etc.

I'm sick of it.

I'm a relatively thin person for my height (6'10", 135lb) and I want snacks that are custom made for people like me! Snacks that will move me toward the ideal weight zone as well.

Snacks like...

Notice how salt is bad for you all of the sudden? When I was a kid, dinner would just be a bowl of salt, and we loved it. That's why these extra salty potato chips would be divine.


That's right, an industrial sized drum of curly fries and mayonnaise in the same jar. Just take a ladle and dig in!

Everybody knows Valentines Day is a Hallmark Holiday. Just like Mothers Day, just like President's Day, and just like your best friend's birthday. It's just a stupid holiday for stupid people and their stupid girlfriends to make them feel better about themselves.

Whatever. Little do those lame lovebirds know that there's plenty of awesome stuff to do on Valentines day even if your girlfriend dumped you after you made dinner reservations that you made clear were not able to be canceled. (I asked you on November 30th if you were ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN we would be together and YOU SAID YES!!! I'm not asking you to love me, but you could at least go to dinner with me still. And no, I'm not paying for your fat ass -- You can pay for yourself. You are so unfair!)

Suggestions:

- Look at old videos that you put on your computer but you haven't really looked at since you uploaded them. This one is super fun. Just search by extension (.mov and .avi are most popular) and make a night of it. You're in for a night of great surprises like the time you thought you were taking a picture sophomore year but it was actually a two second video. So much better than eating dinner at Café Veritas (five stars according to Parade Magazine) with an ungrateful slut. And don't even tell me there's nothing to eat because you're a vegetarian, I know you've eaten fish before.

Two Girls Sit Late At Night In Their Dorm Rooms

Girl 1: How are things with David?

Girl 2: They’re good. It’s hard being in a long distance relationship. Especially with a boyfriend who’s so... possessive.

Girl 1: Possessive how?

Girl 2: He just gets a little jealous is all. And it's tough because he lives across the country. He sent me four texts yesterday while I was at cla--

Extremely Jealous Boyfriend Kicks Open Door

Extremely Jealous Boyfriend: Where the f*ck have you been?

Girl 2: Oh my god. David! (Going to hug him)

EJB: Don’t f*cking touch me. Don’t even talk to me.

Girl 2: I’m sorry.

EJB: You really are. (Pointing to Girl 1) What? Is this your boyfriend? Is this a boy or something?

Girl 1: I should go.

EJB: Stop avoiding the question.

Girl 2: David.