St. Patrick's Day is upon us, and we are all doing our best to honor this magical drunken saint. But it's not just humans who get caught up in the St. Patty's spirit. Today, everybody's drunk!

Microsoft Paper Clip Man:
Hey. HEY!! Looks like you're writing a list! Hahahhaha. Want help with your LIST? What kinda list is it? Hey. What kinda list? Are you gonna write a list about how many gays you had sex with? I bet that's the list. Hey. Hey. Need help writing a letter? I bet you do. I bet you wanna write a letter about, to your boyfriend. It'll be like "Dear Boyfriend, I wanna hug you and kiss you on the tongue. Blah blah blah." Hey let's get in a fight! Stop! Don't close me! I need to get into a fight! Point to somebody, I'll punch them. I don't f*cking care. I'll punch them in the neck.


GPS Navigational System:
Hard left... coming up... In 100 feet. Movie theater up ahead... Just... Make a right in 20 feet... Great... Since you're here,  there's this super good pizzeria coming up. Come on just get it! Ughhh pizza tastes sooo goddamn good when you're drunk. Come on! Look! I can see inside! There's no line!! It'll take two seconds, come on! The movie doesn't start for twenty minutes. Please! I'll shut up if you get me pizza, I swear! Fine I'm not gonna tell you how to get there until you get a slice of pepperoni and mushroom and put it under my hood! Pizz-a! Pizz-a! Pizz-a! Pizz-a! Pizz-a! Pizz-a!  Pizz-... YAY!!!!! You're such a good guy. This guy's a good guy. Ugh. Pizza. So good.

Last week, Streeter had some fun with me. This week I had my revenge.

Oh, and for those who think the payback far outweighs the original prank, I would like you to know, this prank war was not started by me.

Now, onto the video of me publicly embarrassing him. (Only on Vimeo!)

Two years ago a nerd was looking for off-campus housing and found a really killer two bedroom close to school but had no friends to occupy the second room. Forced to find an emergency roommate before he lost the lease, he asked the only person he knew to be his roommate: his bully. The Bully, having just got kicked out of his frat house for animal cruelty (he wrestled a golden retriever to death) had no option but to accept the nerd’s request.

This is their story


2 P.M. Living Room – Nerd comes home from class, sits down on the couch and turns on the TV. Bully enters.

Bully: Well, Well, Well. Look what we have here...

Nerd: Come on, Blake... Leave me alone.

Bully: Unlikely.

(Bully steals the remote and throws it out of the window)

Nerd: That’s your remote, too.

(Bully puts Nerd in a headlock)

Bully: This is for patronizing me.

Nerd: Get off of me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Facebook Operator:  Welcome to Facebook, how can I help you?

Me: Hi... I recently received a “facebook gift”... and I'm wondering if I can return it.

Which one of these is a receipt? Is it the roll thing?

Facebook Operator: Um...I'm sorry, I'm not sure I heard you right.  You're looking to RETURN a Facebook gift?

Me: Right. I don't really need it. I think it cost a dollar or something. I'd rather just have the dollar.

Facebook Operator:  Well sir, you can hide the gifts if you do not wish them to appear in your profile. Thanks for calling!

Me: Well... Hello. Hello? Hello?

Facebook Operator: Yes?

Me: I don't think you understood, I'd rather have the dollar. I can use a soda. Or...anything. Yeah, I’d rather just have the dollar. If it’s not a big deal.

Facebook Operator:  I'm sorry sir, you can't just return a Facebook gift.  Someone purchased that gift in your honor. 

Me: Don’t... Make me angry. Haha. Just DO THIS. JUST GIVE ME MY DOLLAR. Okay? I’m normal.

Facebook Operator:  Umm... do you mind if I ask which gift you received?