Amir Blumenfeld's Articles

7 total in July 2007

Timmy Visits the Doctor

Dr. Lee: Fortunately, Mrs. Miller, we detected that bump on Timmy's hands very early and removing it will be no problem. It's a relatively simple 3 hour surgery.

Timmy: Surgery?! Hey mama, this crazy guy has never heard of something called prayer! The power of wishful thinkin' !

Mrs. Miller: Yes... of course... You see Dr. Lee, we are Christian Scientists. We don't believe in medicine.

Timmy: Or surgery!

Mrs. Miller: Well... (nervous laughter) I never said that specifically.

Dr. Lee: Well if left unchecked, Ganglion Cysts could do some pretty major damage to Timmy's hands in the long run. Arthritis, paralysis to name a few.

Mrs. Miller: Oh my... Well Timmy, I'm sure Jesus wouldn't mind Dr. Lee helping us out? Right?

Timmy: "Arthritis and Paralysis come to those who don't pray, and only to those who don't pray" You made me memorize that back when I was a little boy!

Dr. Lee: Technically that's... very wrong.

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College Newspaper: Late Summer Edition

While most students go home over summer break, the loyal reporters of your campus newspaper are still there, working strong, all alone...

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Meanwhile On An Airplane...

A man clutches his chest and keels over into the aisle.

Stewardess: OH MY GOD! IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THIS FLIGHT?

Doctor: I'm a doctor. Step aside.

Stewardess: Is there anything you need?

Doctor: Yes. Is there a nurse on this flight?!

Nurse: I'm a nurse.

Doctor: Dammit, there's no time, he stopped breathing. And if we don't act fast, we'll lose him.

Nurse: He's gone.

Stewardess: What? How?

Nurse: Is there a pathologist on this flight?!

Pathologist: I'm a pathologist.

Doctor: Any ideas?

Pathologist: From the way he fell it looked like a myocardial infarction. We won't know for sure until the results come back from the lab.

Stewardess: Wanna dumb that down for me? I'm not a rocket scientist.

Rocket Scientist: A heart attack.

Stewardess: Wow. A rocket scientist, a doctor, a nurse, a pathologist. What are the odds?!

Statistician: Roughly 1 in 140,000.

Doctor: Is there a pilot on this flight?

Pilot: Of course.

Doctor: We're going to need to turn this plane around.

Pilot: What about the career fair?

Career Fair Coordinator: I guess that can wait.

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Two Lovesick Tornado Chasers Sit On A Grassy Knoll

-- Wow, that one looks like a dog.

-- I don't see it.

-- See the big cloud is the head, and the two smaller ones are the ears.

-- Oh yeah!

-- But the whole formation looks like a funnel to me.

-- Where?

-- Like the whole thing. It looks like a funnel or an upside down traffic cone.

-- I can't quite visualize it.

-- See how the debris from the church is moving around clockwise?

-- Yeah, I can see that.

-- So from up there, all the way to the ground where the schoolhouse is collapsing.

-- Near the crying children? And the parents screaming? Trying to out-yell the winds?

-- Right.

-- I can't see it... Point to specific parts like I did.

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Other Home Security Tats

Everybody knows: Summertime is tattoo time, and when it comes to ink, nothing is sicker than a barbed wire tat.

A barbed wire tat says, "Hi. I'm a sensitive guy, but I like working out, too. You know what I love doing the most? Bicep curls. Furthermore, my biceps are so jacked (from all the curling) that I have to protect them as a farmer would his livestock."

But why stop there? This is 2007, and people have discovered new ways to protect their property. Check out these other sick suggestions. (Feel free to print them out so your tattoo artist [and he is an artist] knows exactly what to do.)

This one is like regular barbed wire but ELECTRIC. Unlike a regular barbed wire tattoo, you won't even be able to cut these with a pair of tattoo pliers. Pretty phat, right?

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The Way Most McDonalds Runs Start

-- Can we just go eat? I'm starving.

-- Okay, I said fine! Just where?!

-- I can do anything I'm not the picky one.

-- All right. Pizza.

-- No, I had pizza yesterday.

-- Let's just go anywhere.

-- McDonalds?

-- Hahaha.

-- Just kidding.

-- I know. So gross.

-- Would you go?

-- Maybe. Would you?

-- That would be so funny.

-- I mean, remember when we went yesterday?

-- Yeah that was good. I think I have a coupon on the back of my receipt.

-- So we're really going?

-- I mean it's pretty delicious.

-- Yeah...

-- Wanna go? Wanna just go?

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Conversation between Louis-Philippe, the last king of France, and his son Ferdinand-Philippe

Louis: Son, come here.

Ferdinand: Listen, Papa, if this is about me throwing gold coins at the other boys at school, don't worry, I already have plans to have them executed once I'm king.

Louis: Actually, that's kinda what I wanted to talk to you about.

Ferdinand: Don't make me switch to silver coins, Papa! They don't hurt as much!

Louis: No, I mean about the King thing. It appears as though I'm going to be the last King of France.

Ferdinand: Wha?

Louis: Yeah, people are kinda tired of the whole "King thing."

Ferdinand: I mean, it can grow tiresome having the same lavish meals in the same palace every day, but don't you think it's better than nothing?!

Louis: Oh. No. It's not us who has grown tired. For us it's great.

Ferdinand: Yeah.

Louis: I mean it's mostly the peasants. The commoners, you know?

Ferdinand: Like the ones we kick on the way to our palace?

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