LISTEN UP HIGH SCHOOLERS! It's orientation week which means freshman year has officially begun! Rad!!! Basically This means three things for you: Your first night away from your parents (Eww!), your first beer (Ugh!), and ultimately your first kiss (Yessss!)

This ain't 12th grade anymore boys, so throw away those notebooks and start paying attention. Yeah, you've held somebody's hand but that doesn't mean anything now. (Quick sidenote: In College, professors will swear. Just FYI.)

Follow this advice carefully and you may even find yourself going all the way -- FRENCHING.

1) Smell Her: Girls love to be smelled. When you meet somebody you like, don't even ask her name, just sniff her hair. Long. Hard. Take it in. Shiver a little on the exhale to show how hot you are. Then introduce yourself using a really cool nickname. Like "Slick" or "Hoover." So far so good.

2) Light Conversation: Girls love talking about themselves, so ask her lots of questions. Any of these will work: "What was your SAT score?" "What do you mean you forgot it?" "How can you forget ?! We just took them!" "What's your favorite color?"

3) Do Not Drink: There will be a time and a place for your first beer, but flat out: kissing and drinking do not go together. It gets too sloppy and ruins the magic of the moment. When your lips finally press against those of your mate, it's just so beautiful. You can't believe your lips have been without hers for so long and you want nothing to inhibit this moment. 100% Sober. 100% Magical...

4) Back Her Dumb Ass Into a Corner So She Cannot Say No: Nine times out of ten, a woman can walk away when you try to kiss her -- DO NOT LET HER! You'll want her back flushed up against a wall so she can't turn around. Corners are great because she will then have no place to go. So magically cornered. So beautifully trapped. Like a defenseless fawn.

5) Never Stop: Kissing a girl is like the ultimate display of intimacy. It doesn't get any closer or passionate than this so never stop. Keep going until she says so. Then go some more. I honestly can't stress how magical it feels.

There we have it, boys. Now go get those D's wet! (D = Dimples.)

Professor: All right, I know I’ve been referencing the final exam for a while now, not telling you exactly what it is. But today I’m finally going to explain to everybody how the final works in this class.

Brian: Yeah! Tell us!

Professor: Brian, leave.

(Brian Exits)

Professor: All right. The rest of you are finally ready to know. The final in this class, is to convince me what grade you deserve on it. This is, after all, negotiations class!

(Class is silent. Stunned. Confused. Excited.)

Professor: That’s right. No questions, no answers. Just convince me of what grade you want, and we will negotiate your final score. You vs. Me. It will be worth 65% of your grade.

(Professor bites his lower lip and raises his eyebrows, knowing that he’s really cool for thinking of such an experimental concept.)

While Eminem's letter to Stan was probably his most famous, it was actually only one of many letters Em responded to that day. Take a look at this letter the famous rap star wrote right after writing Stan back.

Derrick: Suckitin Suckitin Suckitin, if you're rin tin tin or Anne Boleyn! Make a quickspin move or else you'll win, and then begin to see what you're dointome, this symphony is not for free this OPC is killing me so desperately I sing to thee of LOVE!(takes breath)

SURE OF lots of ragin' hate and hate and fear of shelf, And I can't keep these feelings felt I tried, and tried, but no spack I lied, could be financial suicide but I've got too much pride inside inside! On the side! Or words on the side, and let it slide until I die and my revenge shall I giside or slide, despite of catchy little tunes, of quick three minute ditties! I wanna burst all your balloons I wanna burn all of your cities to the ground! (Takes breath)

I've found I will not mess around unless I say, yes pray, a willdundun say and when I prayasisnsdi dsididndasay its really all this was! when the feelings stuck i need some bruck I don't rely on love BECAUSE THE! HOOK BRINGS YOU BAAAACKKK!!

Ryan: Way off.

Derrick: Yeah, I dunno.

Hey dudes, I got this stupid blog quiz. It says if you answer all the questions and explain your work your crush will reveal herself* to you. Probably not true, but I figured what the hell! You guys should do it too. And send me the links to your finished quizzes so I can see your answers. So stupid, but we’re all bored, right?! :)

1) Name: Terrance Monroe

2) Where was your first kiss? Summer Camp.

3) a) A running man has half the kinetic energy that a boy of half his mass has. The man speeds up by 1.0 m/s and then has the same kinetic energy as the boy. What were the original speeds of man and boy? I think it’s 44m/s and 55 m/s but I’m not 100%.

b)Favorite food: Pizza

John Stalking, Accounting: I met Phillip 35 years ago when he was just starting the company and I was a junior intern. Back then, Phil had two hobbies: Women, and whaling. Which makes sense, when you look at his wife. (Crowd erupts in laughter) Honestly, if blubber was money this retirement would have happened the day after Phil got drunk enough to marry that she-walrus. (John makes walrus noises. The crowd is cracking up. Somebody throws John a mackerel, which he catches it in his mouth. Crowd is just going nuts at this point) In all honesty Phil, I love you man, and I'm sad you're leaving. Here's to you, Phil! (John hugs Phil, crowd applauds. Phil's wife politely smiles and claps.)

Bill Stickley, Sales: Groucho Marx once said, "The problem with retirement is that you never get a day off." If you ask me, the problem with retirement is that you won't get 10 hours off every day to escape your massive wife's orbit. She's disgusting, honestly. (Crowd is laughing/applauding) Hey Phil's wife, I wish you were Phil's job and that he was retiring from you. (Another mackerel hits the stage, crowd erupts in laughter) Seriously though Phil, you're a lucky guy and I am going to miss you buddy. (Crowd applauds as Bill and Phil hug. Wife just curves the tips of her lips up, with no will power left to smile a full smile)