Amir Blumenfeld's Articles

3 total in September 2007

Sells Land With Wolves, A Native American Real Estate Agent

-- Sells Land With Wolves, we need to have a talk.

-- Call me, Sells Land.

-- Yes. Well. After your last couple of sales, I won't be calling you anything. You're fired.

-- Tell me why. Spare no detail.

-- Well, Sells Land, you know that three bedroom on Bancroft you just sold?

-- Fantastic place. Homey. Very quaint.

-- Yes well, we were hoping to get $495,000 for it. Do you remember how much YOU sold it for?

-- Not off hand, no.

-- 34 cents.

-- And a wolf.

-- Right. Well, that's the third or fourth apartment you've sold for less than or equal to the value of a stamp.

-- And a wolf.

-- Yes, but, we honestly don't need three wolves. We don't even need ONE wolf. They're terrorizing the office!

(Real Estate boss opens door, a wolf is gnawing on the secretary, another one is xeroxing its butt. Sells Land chuckles.)

-- I apologize.

-- Well, I think it's too late for that. I mean, I'm looking over your record and I'm surprised you even lasted this long!

-- Meaning?

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Prank War 6: The Yankee Prankee

It's been a while since Streeter flew me out to Los Angeles and embarrassed me in front of Human Giant.

Since then, I've received countless E-mails asking me how and when would I get Streeter back. I was afraid to respond to any of them because I didn't want to jeopardize my revenge plan.

Streeter bought tickets two months ago to the Yankee-Mariners game on September 5th for him and his girlfriend. He is a Mariners fan and she is a Yankees fan so they were both really excited. I knew this would be a great opportunity to get him back.

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Open Letter to the Guy Who Returned the Wallet I Lost on Vacation in Mexico

Dear Michael Ortega,

Thanks for nothing, SENOR!

I appreciate the sentiment but did you have to take NINE dollars (American!) out of my wallet to pay for overnight shipping? I already canceled my debit and credit cards you dumb ass. That's like the first thing you do when you lose your wallet in a foreign country, so it's not like there was a rush.

Secondly, you didn't take any of the change out of the coin-purse part of my wallet, which, by the way, was the only money you were actually entitled to. Anyway, that made the wallet heavy enough, that when the Mexican equivalent of Fed Ex (Fed Mex?) mailed it to me, they charged an extra four bucks for shipping, you inconsiderate prick. I guess they don't teach MANNERS in TIJUANA?

Thirdly, who said you could even go through my wallet? There's a word for that in American, it's called "privacy." Maybe you south of the border thieves don't get that.

Honestly, I've never felt so unlucky in my entire life.

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