Amir Blumenfeld's Articles

2 total in April 2008

Moments Before

...Magical Prom Night

by Amir Blumenfeld April 24, 2008

Walter is seventeen years old, in a suit, and driving fast. The only thing sitting shotgun is a bouquet of roses he just picked up. His thoughts are energizing him...

Tonight is the night I prove everybody wrong. Little Walter Wivlak's all grown up.

"Hey Walter," they yelled, "What's the matter homo, can't get a date to the prom?"HA! Time to prove you wrong Mr. Parsons. Mr. World's meanest math teacher ever!

I worked my ass off for this night... raising money the old fashioned way -- playing World of Warcraft until I earned a Stealhawk Crossbow then selling that for $600 on a fantasy message board. Spent that money on a Russian lesbian mail-order prom-date/wife.

I even spent $140 of MY OWN MOM'S MONEY buying her a blue lace bikini/skirt get up so that she can attract maximum attention to her hot bod and ultimately me.

When she asked for another $280 to bring her sister over to the states, I thought she was just taking advantage of me. But after a few written guarantees that it was indeed her sister and not just her lesbian girlfriend, and a quick eBay sale (Good bye bed!) things were as right as rain again. Hell I'll sleep on the floor for the rest of my life to have this girl all to myself for just one night.

Just one night...

Walter arrives, grabs the flowers and starts running.

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Moments Before

Moments Before... First Family Photo

by Amir Blumenfeld April 17, 2008

"Moments Before..." is a column that examines the exact events that lead up to a specific CollegeHumor picture. None of the dialogue below is conjecture -- they are all based on facts and interviews. For maximum hilarity reveal the picture by clicking on the link after reading the article.

Photographer: All right, shall we get started? Let's see two big smiles!

Man: Wait!

Photographer: Of course. I'm sorry. When you're ready.

Woman: You should take off your shirt, baby.

Photographer: He should?

Man: I mean, I didn't get this tattoo of a squashed bug on my shoulder so that it would be hidden during our photos.

Photographer: Right. Sorry. Ready now?

Man: Not even close. Baby, take off your shirt too.

Woman: You think so?

Photographer: Probably n--

Man: I've never been so sure about anything, ever.

Woman: I love you so hard.

Photographer: All right. You're both topless now.

Man: Pretty awesome, right?

Photographer: ...and she's pregnant. She's definitely pregnant.

Woman: Yes.

Photographer: So, sir, let me get this straight. You came into Wal-Mart to take a topless photo of you both, and your... wife is it?

Man: What DON'T you get?

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