Amir Blumenfeld Likes

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  • Middle-Class American Psycho

    by Patrick Cassels October 11, 2007
    I'm having dinner with this as*hole from customer service named Brian Nadler at the hot new Arby's off of Rural Route 12. Brian is having the Ranch and Bacon Sandwich Combo with potato wedges and a 20 ounce Dr Pepper ($6.99), while I've chosen the Southwest Chicken Wrap and a Pecan Sticky Bun ($4.99).

    I remove my shower-proof Casio wristwatch from J.C. Penny's ($14.99) and roll the sleeves of my grey Members Only jacket up to my elbows so as to keep the chipotle sauce from dripping on its cotton-polyester blend. I bite into the tortilla and taste a mixture of fried chicken and industrial mayonnaise while Toby Keith's "I Wanna Talk About Me"—by far his best work to date—pumps from ceiling-mounted speakers.
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  • Unspoken Conversations Between Me and My Professors

    by Sarah Schneider August 30, 2007


    Professor: All tests in this class will be open book.
    Me: I’ll tell you right now. I plan on learning nothing.
    Professor: You will give me a positive review at the end of term.
    Me: (nods) Understood.

    Professor: Here is the final exam. You may take this test anywhere on campus.
    Me: All of your students are planning to cheat.
    Professor: I trust that you will have the good judgment to avoid this temptation.
    Me: You put too much faith in your students.
    Professor: (quietly) They’re all I have.

    Professor: Each presentation I give in class will then be posted online for further review.
    Me: So everything you show us in class…
    Professor: Yes...
    Me: Will then be available online.
    Professor: (dejected) Yes.
    Me: You will never see my face again.

    Professor: I wear Birkenstocks with socks in order to appear hip and relatable to my students.
    Me: You look like my grandfather.
    Professor: SUCCESS.
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  • Lucas Henson, Racial Profiler

    by Jake Hurwitz September 05, 2007
    In today's episode, Lucas finally gets his roommate assignment.

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    See More: Racism Email CollegeHumor Classic
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  • The Way I Typically Imagine How Encounters with the Cute Waitress at My Local TGI Friday's Will Go

    by Patrick Cassels August 22, 2007

    Appetizer
    • Order blooming onion with French dip.
    • Make hilarious comment to cute waitress about your anticipated bad breath.
    • Smirk sheepishly as cute waitress giggles at the self-deprecating humor of her new customer.

    Drinks
    • Order 5 Bud Lights for yourself and friends.
    • Follow up with fantastic, "Now that we've got me out of the way, what will the rest of you be drinking?!" line.
    • Wait for universal laughter from friends; flirtatious, This guy likes to party glance from cute waitress.

    Dinner
    • Order Pizza Burger (Deluxe).
    • Wait for cute waitress to finish taking orders; shout "Spank you very much!" in Ace Ventura voice.
    • Graciously accept compliments on your uncanny Jim Carrey impersonation from friends; slip Sam Adams coaster with cute waitress's phone number into pocket. (ALLLL RIGHTY THEN!)

    Dessert
    • Order Reese's "Peanut Butter Cup Explosion Sunday" cake
    • When it arrives, smear dessert across face while shouting "Me like cakey! Me like cakey!"
    • Bask in uproarious, side-splitting laughter from friends while cute waitress discreetly rubs your erection through blue jeans.
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    See More: TGI Fridays Lists Imagination CollegeHumor Classic
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  • Hot New Ideas for Theme Parties

    by Jeff Rosenberg August 17, 2007
    I think we've all heard of the classic college themed parties like "Pimps and Hos," and "Golf Pros and Tennis Hos," or "G.I. Joes and Army Hos". I think it's about time to spice them up a little with fall semester right around the corner.

    Check out these hot new themes that'll be hoppin' all over the country this semester!

    • Jockos and Tacos
    • Mac Pros and P.C. Hos
    • Egyptian Pharoahs and Mummy Hos
    • Star Wars Geeks and Trekkie Freaks
    • Edgar Allen Poes and Prose Hos
    • Home Depots and Backgarden Hos
    • Fidel Castros and Communist Foes (Alternate: Francisco Francos and Nationalist Hos)
    • Robinson Crusoes and Tropical Island Hos
    • Severely Psychotic Schizos and Chronically Depressed Hos
    • Nazi Germany Gestapos and Reichssicherheitshauptamt Hos
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    • Amir Blumenfeld UC Berkeley

    About Me

    I'm so good at photoshop, I make Mother Theresa look like Josef Stalin.

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