Ethan: Huge sports weekend coming up.  I've got NFL-draft fever, which is possibly just typhoid. Let's get right to it:  do you like JaMarcus Russell with the first pick?

"With the first pick, the Oakland Raiders select, a soon to be disgruntled athlete who's not used to losing so much."

Amir: As a Raider fan (stop laughing), yes. I'd rather take a risk on a quarterback who may be awesome than settle for a quarterback you know is mediocre. I knew Rich Gannon, I saw Rich Gannon play, I loved Rich Gannon. And you, Trent Green, are no Rich Gannon.

Ethan: Slow, white, Kansas City quarterback... sounds like Rich Gannon to me!

Amir: Even if Russell can't play, it's going to be entertaining as hell to watch him throw an 80 yard interception from his knees!

Ethan:  Yeah, I think the Raiders kind of have to take him.   I don't want to jinx it, but I think he has the talent to be the new Marques Tuiasosopo for them.  Everyone keeps talking about how deep this draft is, but it really doesn't seem like there's a can't-miss prospect in it other than Calvin Johnson.  Is he going to the Lions?

Ethan: Let's get right to what we're all thinking:  who would win in a Joey Crawford-Tim Duncan fight?  I'm thinking anyone who gets to watch it wins.

Amir: First off, if any player gets to fight a referee, I think it should be Rasheed Wallace. He's earned it.

Ethan:  How delighted do you think he was to watch everyone in the media pile on the NBA's refs this week?  It was almost touching enough to turn his gray patch of hair back to the right color.

Amir: Almost. 

Ethan: What was Crawford thinking?  Who looks at a seven-foot professional athlete and thinks, "No, I can totally take this guy.  Sure, his backup's an entire NBA team, but I've got those plain black shoes that refs wear!"

Amir: Joey Crawford is like a slippery pit bull. Don't you see how wet he gets during the game? It would be like trying to punch a bowling ball dipped in petroleum jelly.

Ethan: Let's get right down to business this week:  am I the only one who thinks Pacman Jones is a political prisoner? He's every bit the victim Nelson Mandela was.

Amir: This is the most racist act in professional football since... probably since Pacman beat up a stripper for picking up his dollar bills. His "Washingtons."

Ethan:  Maybe it's a good thing for the NFL that Commissioner Goodell is coming down hard on these guys, but do people watch the NFL because they think the players are paragons of virtue?  We've already established that we don't care if they use steroids, so who cares if they hang out in strip clubs with Nelly? 

Amir: As long as they don't make me buy his records, I'm fine with it.

Ethan: You know who the real loser here is:  lazy sportswriters who like making Pacman/ghost jokes in their headlines.

Amir:  I think the takeaway point is: Do not draft Pacman Jones in your fantasy football league. Firstly, he's suspended for the season; secondly, most leagues don't draft individual defensive players. So what's next for Pacman?

Ethan: I think it's only a matter of time before he does something truly bizarre like assaulting the guy who wears the Chuck E. Cheese costume because the animatronic band didn't care when he made it rain.  At least that's what I'm hoping.

Ethan: So here we are:  no more college-level basketball for six months.  Unless you count the Bucks, and that's only when their starters are in.  What was the biggest revelation of the Final Four for you? 

Amir:  Florida is good at sports. Also, three point shooting is too important. I think its time they move that line back. They're not kids anymore!

Ethan:  I've long been in favor of distributing extra-point shots around the court a la Rock and Jock, but David Stern quit answering my letters.  At least your prediction that Ohio State would lose finally came true.

Amir: When I guaranteed they wouldn't make it to the Final Four, what I meant was that they wouldn't make it to the Final One.

Ethan:  This Florida team is easily in the top two or three of the last twenty years, though.  Who else is going to challenge them?  Early '90's Duke and '96-'98 Kentucky.  That's it.  Ohio State did well for themselves, though; if only someone other than Oden had done anything in the title game, it would have been an exciting one. 

Amir: I'm just shocked he can kick the backboard like that after a two handed dunk while showing  no  emotion whatsoever.

Ethan:  People have been calling him "stoic," but I think "legally dead" may be the better term for it. 

Amir: Oddly enough I was actually rooting for Ohio State in the finals just to see if Oden would crack a smile. He looked just as sad after the loss to Florida as he did after the win against Georgetown.