Ethan: I'm almost finished with the Mitchell Report, and I've got to say I found it a thrilling read. I have no idea who the killer is, but I'm suspecting Professor Plum. Oh, wait, that was the novelization of the movie of the board game Clue. What surprised you least about the Mitchell Report?

"Quickly now, I'm about to straight EAT THIS BAT!!!"

Amir: I had no idea Jason Giambi and Roger Clemens used steroids. I just thought at age 30 people get bigger and bigger until they explode at age 45.

Ethan: You had to have known that Giambi's sweat is nothing but a tasty mixture of bull hormones and Winstrol. If you put it in a shot glass, it's called a Moneyballer.

Amir: Two please.

Ethan: People acting surprised over Clemens is the hilarious. By age 50 he'll be able to punch through a three-foot sheet of concrete while getting highlights put in his hair. Only a 'roided-up madman would name all of his kids something starting with a "K."

Amir: That or someone who wants to get a terrible gift every Fathers' Day.

Ethan: "Here, Dad, it's a tie. Oh, that's right; you only sort of have a neck."

Ethan: Come back, college football. We miss you. At least we had the Heisman presentation last weekend. So what do you think of Tim Tebow winning it? He's America's favorite running QB, no matter what Roddy White says, right?

Amir: Anytime a solid quarterback breaks SEC rushing records he deserves some kind of trophy. I feel bad for Darren McFadden, though. Unfortunately he was about 40 touchdowns shy of the SEC passing record so he'll have to settle with probably becoming the best NFL player of the group.

Ethan: I was going to point out that Tebow could maybe have some pro success if used creatively, and then I read that Urban Meyer had called him "very similar to Alex Smith." C'mon, Urban, why do you have to be outright mean to your own QB?

Amir: Maybe he means Tamba Bay's tight end Alex Smith. Maybe it doesn't matter.

Ethan: I'm just glad that Tebow showed us that homeschooled kids aren't just religious nerds with lisps. Have you been offered the Michigan job yet? They're down to only five candidates left in the entire world.

Amir: I knew times were getting desperate when I read that one of the candidates was actually Lloyd's Car. I like that instead of finding more candidates, Michigan just keeps insisting Les Miles is going to take the job eventually. They're like a delusional ex-boyfriend. "We're just going through a rough patch but... she'll be back."

Ethan: "Les, baby, we can change. You don't like maize and blue? Then neither do we! Purple and teal it is. We'll be the Charlotte Hornets of the Big Ten." Seems like someone would want that job; it's one of the top four or five spots in all of college football.

Ethan: I'm not even going to give you a setup this week. Just start complaining about the BCS. Go ahead, do it.

Amir: ILLINOIS IN THE ROSE BOWL?! A THREE LOSS TEAM FROM THE WORST CONFERENCE?! WHO WANTS TO SEE THESE GAMES?! NONE OF THEM ARE INTRIGUING! WHO CARES WHAT CONFERENCE THEY COME FROM-- JUST LET THE BEST TEAMS PLAY AGAINST EACH OTHER!!!

Ethan: What? You're not excited about Navy and Utah in the San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl? Both QBs will be better than Philip Rivers. You're right on Illinois, though; they lost to Michigan, Iowa, and Mizzou, who should be in a BCS bowl if not for stupid rules.

Amir: You think Ron Zook cares about rules?

Ethan: Illinois' main qualifications seem to be beating an overrated Ohio State team, having a QB named "Juice," and Zook's text-messaging ability. You okay with the title matchup, though?

Amir: Ohio State is a one loss team, which is the new undefeated so I guess they have to be in there. But I still think USC is the best two-loss team I would have liked to see them in there over LSU. Though I like the Tigers blowing three opportunities in the same year to end the year number one. Triple the disappointment!