"I miss my Ty's... And my ties. And Mai Tais."

Ethan: As someone who picked Michigan State to lose in the second round, I found Monday night's title game very validating. "See? They were never all that good!" What the heck happened there?

Amir: What happened was a team of future NBA players playing better than a team of people who look pretty good in forest green. The game raised many questions though, mainly "How in the world did they beat UConn?"

Ethan: There's something magical about Tom Izzo, I guess. Which makes sense given that when you see him talking to a player, it looks like a garden gnome having a conversation with an adult.

Amir: I just feel bad for freshman Ed Davis. He's gonna come back to school next year without any friends. "...where is everybody?" "They're all millionaires now, Ed. Now go to class."

Ethan: What, you're thinking a bench player from a Carolina team that wins the title can't be a millionaire next year? The Hawks are probably trying to trade up to draft him.

Amir: Leave Marvin Williams alone. He's about to blossom into an All-Star any season now.

Angel McCoughtry has the Lady Cards looking forward. POWER Forward.

Ethan: Did I see it? Don't be ridiculous! I was in the arena watching it live. How about some of those grudge matches, too? Portland-Portland State?! There's no love lost there!

Amir: That's what separates the WNIT from the actual tournament -- real teams, real matchups. What's so fun watching an undefeated UConn team destroy their competition? Really quick about that battle of the Portland's game: Claire Faucher was a beast in the paint. I mean... wow.

Ethan: And this Final Four is just amazing. I mean, look at the names: Illinois State's there for crying out loud. No way Kristi Cirone doesn't make her presence felt under the bright lights. Plus, South Florida's Lady Bulls are there. I know some people say that Lady Bulls are actually just cows, but they'll change their tunes once they see Jessica Lawson ball.

Amir: There is no chalk in this tournament, only cindarellas. And guess what? The slipper still fits.

Ethan: So things get serious tonight. It's win or go home. Who ya got: Kansas @ Illinois State and South Florida @ Boston College?

Amir: It's tough to go against BC just because they're so physical and so long... but South Florida, (their opening round OT thriller not withstanding) has shown me something, so I'm going to go against vegas and pick USF in an upset. The other game is too close to call at this point.

Ethan: Too close to call? The Lady Jayhawks are playing at home, man, and they've got Danielle McCray. You know she was an All-America regional honoree, right? I mean, are you kidding me? Too close to call? I'm starting to wonder if you even watch the women's NIT.

Amir: This just means the selection committee members are getting better at their job. You think they have tourney pools and just pick no upsets?

This is Devendorf celebrating a made free throw.

Amir: I love villains, so he's actually becoming my FAVORITE player. I want a poster of him yelling on the scorers table before his last second shot against U-Conn was overturned.

Ethan: I want for him to play an entire game one-handed while using the other to pop the front of his jersey. After seeing the first weekend of action, who do you like to win the title now?

Amir: Obviously a #1 seed, as there will be no upsets. Isn't Louisville the number one overall? I guess them.

Who said Ray Lewis didn't intimidate on Super Bowl Sunday? This is frightening.

Ethan: Commercial fans were disappointed? Speak for yourself. I was just sitting here wondering what in the hell I was going to do with all this used gold jewelry I've got sitting around.

Amir: And I was wondering if Danica Patrick's morals were for sale. Turns out they are.

Ethan: Can we go ahead and clear this up, though: that was a great game, but not the best Super Bowl ever. Or even the best in the last 12 months.

Amir: Maybe the best fourth quarter ever, but not the best Superbowl. Most underrated moment: James Harrison beating the crap out of Arizona's Aaron Francisco. My God, I was only watching on TV but I was still scared for my life.

Ethan: Watching James Harrison run that TD back was incredible. Is there anything better than watching a huge person try to outrun someone?

Mitch Berger can punt your 401k back into the black. If you bet correctly.

Amir: See this is a classic example of somebody only doing half the research. Graham is a former Aussie rules football player and you know what the temperature is going to be like in Tampa this week? A Melbourne-esque 71. That's the type of humidity Graham needs to feel at home. Take the favorite here boys, trust me.

Length of the National Anthem: Over/Under 2 min and 3 seconds

Ethan: Jennifer Hudson's going to be a dream girl for anyone who takes the over here. After all that's happened to her this year, there's no way she doesn't get a little choked up and add some vocal flair to this anthem. The smart money's on her stretching out that last note in "the land of the free" to at least 13 seconds. This one's a star-spangled lock.

Amir: I hate agreeing with you, so I'll one up you. This one is the lock of the millenium! I'm going to put my kids through college by betting the over here, and not only that, they're going to have a 19 meal-a-week plan. That attention monger is gonna make sure she's getting her face time. You can't buy that publicity -- though at the rate of Superbowl commercials, it'll be worth roughly ten million dollars.

Kurt Warner Super Bowl XXXIV -148.5 (-105) yards vs. Kurt Warner Super Bowl XLIII +148.5 (-125)

Ethan: Gotta go with this year's Kurt Warner over the 2000 Super Bowl Kurt Warner. Why? Because it's the same guy. He's not a day older. Jesus, people, how many times do you have to be told that Kurt Warner OWNS A TIME MACHINE before you finally listen? That graying hair is the most half-assed disguise ever. And now you want to bet AGAINST Warner's abilities to bend the space-time continuum to his own greedy whims? Why not just throw your money away?

Kurt Warner and Eli Manning hanging out during halftime of a Giants game back in 2004.

Ethan: God's probably thinking the same thing most NFL GMs were: if you get Kurt, you're stuck with Brenda, too. Are we headed for a classic Kurt Warner 5-turnover meltdown?

Amir: I thought we call those classic Jake Delhomme 6-turnover meltdowns now.

"You play to win the game! Twice in the last 19 weeks!"

Ethan: Do you think there's any way Texas dodges a bullet here? In all likelihood, Oklahoma pounds Missouri, but Missouri is also a very good team. (Loss to Kansas notwithstanding.)

Amir: Not gonna happen. Oklahoma didn't make it this far just to blow it. Here's my question, if Alabama loses a close one to Florida... are they still the best one loss team? And if so, would we see a rematch?!

Ethan: No rematch, but Alabama's incredibly good. They were so much better than Auburn that the Iron Bowl started to get boring in the second quarter. Plus, "John Parker Wilson" is a name that means you're destined to be the successful QB at Bama. It's like the exact opposite of "Freddie Kitchens." Why is no one giving Bama a chance against Florida?

Amir: Two words: No Idea. Wait, I mean, Tim Tebow. Alabama's strength of schedule is also 94th. Face it, they're the Ball State of the SEC and you know it.

Ethan: It's not Bama's fault. They tried to play a hard schedule; they had no way of knowing that road games at Clemson, Arkansas, Georgia, and LSU wouldn't be so impressive at the end of the year. Do you think that somewhere in the country there's a person, be it a fan, coach, or player, who thinks the BCS is a great idea and fully supports it?

Amir: If their game against Webber International is any indication, and it is not, then no!

Meyer has been preparing for Florida's next game all week by shooting PSA posters

Amir: Jokes on you, 49ers! Why isn't Mike Singletary laughing? If you could choose any two teams to play in the championship game, who would it be? Keep in mind, you can't choose Wake Forest.

Ethan: At this point I prefer not watching Wake...it's sort of painful. I think the best game to watch would be Texas Tech-Florida. Those two offenses are both fun to watch. I do, however, enjoy a good Texas game, just to watch Mack Brown go berserk on the sideline. BoDog's offering 8:1 odds that his head will explode before the seaon's over.

Amir: Take it, and parlay that with the over of any game Tech plays this year. Oddly enough my choice is a game that's happening anyway. Citadel/Florida. Bowl game idea: The Unrespected Undefeated Bowl. This year could be Utah vs. Ball State!

Ethan: Can Boise State play winner?

Amir: "hey just need to sign up ahead of time. It's a very lax bowl game.

Ethan:This is why we need a small-conference playoff system, people! Thank God President Obama's already on the case. If he really wants to fix sports, though, he'll appoint Bud Selig to a cabinet position to get him out of MLB's offices. Come on, Barack: just appoint Selig to something. Doesn't have to be anything important. Secretary of State will do. Diplomats will love making fun of his haircut!

Amir: Sorry, Hilary is the front runner, and she's got a haircut people are already making fun of.

Ethan: Let's pick the big games: Who are you taking in Texas Tech-Oklahoma this weekend? What about BYU-Utah and Michigan State-Penn State?

This is JoePa reacting to election results. He voted for Polk.

Ethan: Well, at least he's got a Rose Bowl bid coming if he wins out. This weekend definitely was the high point of the college football season for me so far because I love a good effigy-burning. Take that, Nick Saban! Does it just add insult to more insults that Alabama actually won?

Amir: It must feel good to be Saban, walk into a stadium of 93,000 people who hate you, and ruin their day. It's like the opposite of a really big pep rally.

Ethan: Texas Tech as a bye week. That means Graham Harrell will probably only throw for 400 yards and 4 TDs, right?

Amir: Are college football quarterbacks this good ever great in the NFL? Doesn't he know he's only setting himself up for a Tim-Couch esque let down?

Rays get thirty assistants to help raise the biggest white flag in World Series history.

Ethan: Just play this bad boy in Independence Hall and call it a day. Pedro Feliz is a great fielder at third, but can he make a play behind Ben Franklin's chair? I wish Fox had never ended their broadcast and Tim McCarver was just still on the air incoherently rambling for two days. "Now, you talk about clutch....God, I'm so hungry...now that's what players call 'a cement mixer,' Joe..."

Amir:So who does this layoff help more: The Phillies, the Rays, or Weather.com?

Ethan: The Rays. Hamels was dealing in that game, and now he's out of it, I'd guess. Plus, the Rays got to spend two days in fabulous Wilmington, Delaware. It's lovely in autumn. You still have to like Philly to win that game, though, if only because they've got 12 outs to burn while the Rays only have nine. Let's ask Tim McCarver what he thinks.

Tim McCarver: Cement mixer!

Ethan: Insightful as always. Do you think Ed Hochuli has a future as an MLB ump if this whole NFL thing falls through?

"Guys can we hurry this celebration? I gotta hit up Mountain High. They've got a 5 foot base. Straight powder, baby."

Ethan: Four months ago, and I did root for them in the ALCS! They're a great story. But come on, how can you cheer against Philly finally winning a title? Tampa Bay won a Super Bowl with Brad Johnson at QB. They've used up their karmic allocation for this decade. Plus, they won a Stanley Cup in 2004. (Not sure if that helps or hurts my point.)

Amir: Las Vegas thinks the Rays are gonna win -- probably because Moyer is going to have to pitch on just twelve days rest in game three. Who would you bet on?

Ethan: Hey, at Moyer's age, most people are doing nothing but resting and going on and on about how we'll never see another president like Woodrow Wilson.

Amir: Wilson's fastball did have more velocity than Moyers...

Ethan:I'd probably bet on the Phillies because I wouldn't want to pull against them. I'm worried that even if they sneak out with a win tonight (and Hamels has been a beast), that it won't matter once Moyer or Blanton drops a game at home. Are you surprised headline writers have already wasted "The Price is Right!" This guy's going to be awesome for years to come, and they've already blown their wad.

Amir: I'm surprised the Rays saved this guy until the 8th inning of Game 7. What a monster. I have a new goal in life: scream so loud it has to be done into a baseball glove. And not just when I'm getting a shot at the doctors.

Ethan: It does make me nervous to see Price out there dominating and screaming while Brad Lidge looks like he might throw up all over the mound. He's getting the job done, though. How about those delightful Cowboys?

Even sadder? This photo was taken at Vince Youngs house last Sunday

Ethan: Graduated? Did Kerry Collins come in and take his exams when they got tough? Oklahoma's schedule is almost as brutal; they've got Kansas this weekend. Who do you like in that one? I think whoever has Oklahoma's concessions contract is probably the biggest winner.

Amir: Can we get through one column without making a Mangino is fat joke?

Ethan: What? The game is going to be well-attended! Get that many hungry fans in one place, and they're going to open their wallets. Jesus, quit being so suspicious of my motives.

Amir: Sorry.

Ethan: You're worse than that tubby Mangino.

Amir: The problem with Texas is that they haven't lost yet. It's going to come down to who lost the earliest this year. And you thought Pete Carroll wasn't smart...

Ethan: Penn State hasn't lost yet, either, and if they can get past Ohio State next weekend, they'll be looking good. They can score some points. Did you see them beat the crap out of Wisconsin? Joe Pa remarked that he hadn't seen such a thorough rout since dickety-three. You believe in the Nittany Lions?

Amir: You know I bleed Dodger Blue. It's actually a very painful disease. Do you have a primary care physician you can recommend?

An old photo of Moyer striking out Honus Wagner. That Flying Dutchman never had a chance...

Amir: I don't know much about baseball, but its safe to say homefield advantage means a little less than nothing. Then again, I know you bleed Philadelphia Red. That's a lot healthier than me.

Ethan: I think it could mean something in this series since the two parks are so different. Also, have you been to Philly lately? They're so desperate for a title that they got excited about an Arena Football championship. They'll get excited. Are you surprised the Cubs lost?

Amir: I don't know if that question has ever been asked sincerely.

Ethan: I can't walk down a street in Chicago without seeing someone hanging himself with an "It's Gonna Happen" t-shirt. If the "it" in question is "regretting we gave Alfonso Soriano a gigantic contract by the end of the 2010 season," yes, it is! Raise the white "W" flag! Since you're the king of all things L.A., what the hell happened to the Angels? How did they lose a series where Vlad and Tex absolutely murdered the ball?

Amir: I'm from Los Angeles, not Los Angeles of Anaheim, so I don't have that much insight. So I'll say... pitching. No wait -- hitting. No wait-- specifically that idiotic suicide squeeze attempt in Game 4.

Ethan: Any suicide squeeze attempt is going to look idiotic if it doesn't score. I guess what killed them is that pretty much everyone else on the team didn't hit. At all. Also, that they still apparently think the ghost of Garrett Anderson can a) play left field and b) hit in the 2 hole. Come on, that's why you guys signed that superstar Gary Matthews, Jr. How are the Rays looking to you?

"Man, we used to be so good. Well, not SO good, but we were almost average once. Kinda."

Ethan: I wonder if he's dusting off the old resume to get a new job. "Ah, I see St. Louis sucks...maybe they could use a new mastermind like me. Charles Rogers, start packing my bags!" On to people with jobs: who's your biggest surprise at 3-0?

Amir: Gotta be Buffalo. They're officially the AFC East favorites. Though eeking out a win at home against Oakland isn't too convincing. I think the biggest surprise is Baltimore being 2-0. I would have totally thought they would have played three games by now.

Ethan: I'm going with a Kerry Collins led Tennessee team, although their schedule's been soft and is about to get brutal. They've got Minnesota, then at Baltimore, and they still have two with Indy, a Chicago, Pitt, the Jets, and the Packers left. Plus, they play on Thanksgiving, and I can't trust LenDale to pay attention to the game when there's that much food at hand.

Amir: Madden: "Come back with my Turducken!"

Ethan:Who's worse: Chiefs or Rams? Congrats, Chase Daniel, you're leading the best football team in Missouri.

Amir: It has to be the Rams. They've been outscored 29 to 116 this season! Though I like their strategy of trying to start Trent Green again. I guess they're hoping 1999 repeats itself and they're just one season-ending injury away from finding a new Kurt Warner!

Ethan: I think putting a guy with a concussion problem behind the Rams' o-line is borderline negligent. What are the Rams trying to do, put the kids of Trent Green's neurologist through college? Who's your favorite unattractive-but-effective QB this year: Cutler or Rodgers?

Amir: It takes a strong man to admit that he's wrong, but last week when I predicted a USC beat down by at least three touchdowns... well I guess I should have said four touchdowns and I'm sorry!

All's well that ends Wells. Wait, that doesn't make sense.

Amir: What's there to talk about? They're going to be favored by at least 14 in every game this season so barring a major meltdown they're going to run the table... with all nine of their running backs.

Ethan: Oregon could give them some trouble in a few weeks, but that's a home game. Also, if Charlie Weis gets off the injury report in time for their game against Notre Dame, watch out! True or false: knocking Weis down will probably be the most impressive thing Michigan does all s

Don't let their mascot fool you, East Carolina isn't just a team of gay dwarves.

Amir: They're like the opposite of every powerhouse team: two difficult games at first then an easy conference schedule.'uestion, who do you like in the title game -- ECU or USC?

Ethan: Tough call. ECU is 2-0 against teams with "Virginia" in their name, while USC is only 1-0. So I guess you're saying USC will definitely win this weekend?

Amir: By at least three touchdowns. Bet on it.

Ethan: You're putting a lot of stock into the scare against Ohio? That was an obvious trap game, and the Buckeyes didn't have their Heisman contender.

Amir: If excuses were sweater vests, you and Tressel would be in a heated competition right now.

Ethan:Can you even be a homer for a school you didn't attend? I guess I can't complain as long as you keep starting Matt Leinart on your fantasy team and yelling "Go Trojans!" whenever Kurt Warner gets sacked.

Amir: That's just because I hate Northern Iowa.

Ethan: I think USC will win, but not by three TDs. Do you think Washington will celebrate its TDs against Oklahoma? Will they even score any TDs to celebrate?

Amir: What an accurate interpretation of a terrible rule. How is throwing a football into the air excessive, but spiking it into the floor adequate? Just more pro-gravity propaganda from the NCAA!

That's Knowshown Moreno under there. (Edit: That's no Shown Moreno under there.)

Ethan: We'll see if they're still at the top spot in two weeks after they play Ohio State. I did like USC's scheduling strategy, though. Instead of playing some little cupcake school, they did something only marginally ballsier and played a bad BCS conference school on the road. For some reason beating UVA sounds much more impressive than beating a school with a compass direction in the name. Since it never gets less fun: remember when Michigan was good at football?

Amir: No, not really. Is it weird that I still blame Lloyd Carr?

Ethan: Not at all. Next year they'll probably just schedule some Pop Warner team from Flint, then lose by 23. On the topic of perennial disappointments, when is Clemson going to stop being so highly regarded in the preseason? Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me fifteen consecutive seasons, shame on the person who gave me an AP poll ballot.

Amir: I saw a piece on their thunder and lightning, Spiller and Davis, and was convinced! Then I saw they were downgraded to a tropical depression by Alabama. Not unlike Gustav.

Amir: Let's go straight into what matters: Best names you've heard hyped so far. I'll start: Knowshawn Moreno.

Ethan: I like any running back whose name sounds like a complete imperative sentence, so I'm going to agree with you. But really, any season in which there are also Heisman hopefuls named Beanie and Devine is going to be pretty good. Do you agree with Georgia in the top spot?

He may not be fat, or southern, or old, but Pete Carroll can still coach a college football team!

Ethan: Just because he's your Facebook friend doesn't mean you always have to side with Pete Carroll; he's never going to leave an awesome YouTube video on your Wall the way Mark Richt would.

Amir: I could do without the Superpokes, though.

Ethan: My favorite early-season storyline is that Notre Dame got votes in both polls. Were these voters just thawed out from a cryogenic freeze that began in the 50s? Or did they like the leadership they saw from Jimmy Claussen at the Beer Olympics?

Amir: Maybe its a Steve Spurrier Duke thing where he always gives them a vote as a sadistic practical joke or something -- I forget the story. Who do you think has the best chance of de-throning USC or Georgia to play the last game of the season?

"I wasn't born yesterday! ...I think."

Ethan: I respect the male gymnasts; it's hard to say anything against a guy who has 95% of his body mass tied up in his biceps. Raj Bhavsar is the most intense-looking guy I've ever seen; I'm pretty sure his eyes could bore holes in concrete. Not to be crass, but is there a more beautiful Olympian than Stephanie Rice? Not only is she really good, she's really hot. And don't say Carlos Boozer, or I'll know you're lying.

Amir: I'm only attracted to younger athletes whose age is disputed, that way I don't feel like a pervert. Question: If the Americans swam last nights 4 x 200m freestyle relay yesterday with their gold medals already on, would they still have won?

Ethan: Yes. At one point, I was really hoping Phelps would just stop and take a leak in the pool, then keep swimming a full body length ahead of everyone else. Was the 4 x 100m freestyle on Sunday night the best finish you've ever seen in a sporting event? It was right up there with the 2001 World Series and the end of a game of NBA Jam I played in 1996 for me.

Amir: Not only was it a crazy comeback, he did it against the swimmer next to him, a Frenchman who had guaranteed victory. That was like the perfect storm of awesome. Are you following this total medal count as closely as I am?