That's Knowshown Moreno under there. (Edit: That's no Shown Moreno under there.)

Ethan: We'll see if they're still at the top spot in two weeks after they play Ohio State. I did like USC's scheduling strategy, though. Instead of playing some little cupcake school, they did something only marginally ballsier and played a bad BCS conference school on the road. For some reason beating UVA sounds much more impressive than beating a school with a compass direction in the name. Since it never gets less fun: remember when Michigan was good at football?

Amir: No, not really. Is it weird that I still blame Lloyd Carr?

Ethan: Not at all. Next year they'll probably just schedule some Pop Warner team from Flint, then lose by 23. On the topic of perennial disappointments, when is Clemson going to stop being so highly regarded in the preseason? Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me fifteen consecutive seasons, shame on the person who gave me an AP poll ballot.

Amir: I saw a piece on their thunder and lightning, Spiller and Davis, and was convinced! Then I saw they were downgraded to a tropical depression by Alabama. Not unlike Gustav.

Amir: Let's go straight into what matters: Best names you've heard hyped so far. I'll start: Knowshawn Moreno.

Ethan: I like any running back whose name sounds like a complete imperative sentence, so I'm going to agree with you. But really, any season in which there are also Heisman hopefuls named Beanie and Devine is going to be pretty good. Do you agree with Georgia in the top spot?

He may not be fat, or southern, or old, but Pete Carroll can still coach a college football team!

Ethan: Just because he's your Facebook friend doesn't mean you always have to side with Pete Carroll; he's never going to leave an awesome YouTube video on your Wall the way Mark Richt would.

Amir: I could do without the Superpokes, though.

Ethan: My favorite early-season storyline is that Notre Dame got votes in both polls. Were these voters just thawed out from a cryogenic freeze that began in the 50s? Or did they like the leadership they saw from Jimmy Claussen at the Beer Olympics?

Amir: Maybe its a Steve Spurrier Duke thing where he always gives them a vote as a sadistic practical joke or something -- I forget the story. Who do you think has the best chance of de-throning USC or Georgia to play the last game of the season?

"I wasn't born yesterday! ...I think."

Ethan: I respect the male gymnasts; it's hard to say anything against a guy who has 95% of his body mass tied up in his biceps. Raj Bhavsar is the most intense-looking guy I've ever seen; I'm pretty sure his eyes could bore holes in concrete. Not to be crass, but is there a more beautiful Olympian than Stephanie Rice? Not only is she really good, she's really hot. And don't say Carlos Boozer, or I'll know you're lying.

Amir: I'm only attracted to younger athletes whose age is disputed, that way I don't feel like a pervert. Question: If the Americans swam last nights 4 x 200m freestyle relay yesterday with their gold medals already on, would they still have won?

Ethan: Yes. At one point, I was really hoping Phelps would just stop and take a leak in the pool, then keep swimming a full body length ahead of everyone else. Was the 4 x 100m freestyle on Sunday night the best finish you've ever seen in a sporting event? It was right up there with the 2001 World Series and the end of a game of NBA Jam I played in 1996 for me.

Amir: Not only was it a crazy comeback, he did it against the swimmer next to him, a Frenchman who had guaranteed victory. That was like the perfect storm of awesome. Are you following this total medal count as closely as I am?

"Green. Tampa. I'll play in literally ANY Bay."

Ethan: Did he think he was being particularly clever by showing up and conceding the starting job to Rodgers? "Yeah, I'll be the backup. You don't have to release me or anything. Now, about that $12 million..."

Amir: Favre lives in some sort of bizarro world where work is inversely proportional to money. If he stays retired, he'll get $25M. If he plays as a back up he'll get $12M. And his ideal situation is starting somewhere and getting paid less than that. It's like welfare on steroids.

Ethan: I thought welfare on steroids was Sammy Sosa's contract by the end of his career. I'm warming on the idea of Favre to the Jets. They're really just one Hall of Famer away from being 7-9!

Amir: Bring back Curtis Martin!

Ethan: What exactly is Favre even thinking at this point? Does he want to play with Jerricho Cotchery that badly? Or does Favre have him in a keeper league he really, really wants to win this year? Or will he just follow Bubba Franks anywhere?

Amir: I think he just wants to get injured. He's done everything but tear an ACL. Why does Daunte Culpepper get all the fun?!

Ethan: If this results in Favre getting his roll on, it will all have been worth it. Does Tampa Bay win the Super Bowl with him?

John Lackey gave up his first hit and realized his last name had negative connotations in the same inning.

Ethan: If the Angels had acquired Teixeira and gotten a no-hitter yesterday, it would have been one of the best days in franchise history, sort of the exact opposite of the day they acquired Mo Vaughn.

Amir: The day the Rally Monkey contracted AIDS.

Ethan: Did you like this trade for the Braves?

Amir: I guess Kotchman and a prospect are better than nothing. Plus the Angels needed some hope this season, things were looking BLEAK, and I mean DISMAL.

Ethan: Well, I don't actually think they couldn't have won in the playoffs with the offense they had. Between the offense, the solid rotation with a stud like Lackey at the top, and the killer bullpen, they could be there.

Amir: The Braves couldn't do better than this, though? Kotchman's a good enough player, but he doesn't have much power for a first baseman and he lost most of a season to mono once. Who has he been kissing?

Ethan: The Braves now have one reliable power source, and it's an aging, injury-prone third baseman named Larry. Won't someone just let Manny be Manny?

Amir: I think Manny should take a day or two just being somebody other than Manny. Maybe Ron Artest? They're pretty much the same thing aren't they? Talented nuisances?

Congratulations to 2008 British Open champion, Some Dude Who Is Not Tiger Woods.

Ethan: Probably a bad sign for golf that the most compelling non-Tiger figure out there was what was left of Greg Norman. Still, give Harrington credit for winning his second straight Claret Jug.

Amir: I have no idea what any of that means.

Ethan I think it means that people would rather see Tiger Woods play Golden Tee then watch anybody else play real golf. What do you think would get better ratings?

Amir: I'd rather watch Tiger play one of those bar games where you try to shoot the deer with the plastic gun. He would stalk that buck with such quiet intensity.

Ethan: Does Jason Taylor put the Redskins on top of the NFC East?

Amir: No. It doesn't even put their defense on the top of the NFC East. Cowboys secondary is great, Eagles added Asante Samuel and the Redskins trade some picks to get Jason Taylor who publicly stated that this is his last year in the NFL. This is what they get for having one of Clinton Portis' characters in charge of player personnel.

Ethan: Are you kidding me? Kid Bro Sweets is like Drew Rosenhaus himself, except he likes Reese's Pieces more. The Redskins' D wasn't all that bad last year, but their offense was pretty stagnant. Maybe Jim Zorn can fix it, but I'm also sure he's already in last place on my list of NFL coaches. (I go alphabetically, not based on ability.)

Amir: Is it that time of year for us to rank every offensive coordinator and defensive coordinator in the NFL?!

Not Pictured: Victor Zambrano pitching in the All Star Game.

Ethan: I really, really wanted for Kazmir to reach his pitch count limit. What would have happened then? "All right, Scott...we're shifting you to the outfield. Sizemore, you can pitch, right?" Do you think Dan Uggla was playing a drinking game where he had to take a shot every half-inning?

Amir: People are feeling bad for Terry Francona for running out of players, but what about Clint Hurdle? His team is almost 20 games under .500 and they just taunt him by surrounding him with All-Stars. Would he have still gotten to coach if he was fired in June?

Ethan: To be fair, he was curious why he couldn't pick Jeff Francis as his starter. "I don't care that he's injured and terrible...stick with who brought you to the dance, fellas." After seeing Dioner Navarro get thrown out at the plate while apparently running in oatmeal, I'm curious who'd win a footrace: Navarro or Dikembe Mutombo

Amir: Josh Hamilton would beat them both. At anything. Even a long-name-having contest He can do anything. Why does the MLB All-Star game even have an MVP. Shouldn't it just have a "Guy who had the most RBI's Award?"

Ethan: I was amazed watching Hamilton on Monday night, but for me, the highest comedy was his senior citizen pitcher. After Hamilton destroyed the first round, he came off the mound and they had an exchange of "So we're done, right?" "No, two more rounds." "Oh my." Poor Justin Morneau, though...scores the winning run, wins the Home Run Derby, and nobody's giving him any respect. He's even more disrespected than that poor pitiful Brett Favre.

Amir: If the Packers would just release him maybe he could at least join the Texas Rangers?

"Tell me more about this 'cheese' thing..."

Ethan: David Cone to the Blue Jays in 1992 was a good one.

Amir: Don't bother proving me wrong with "facts."

Ethan: The NL is weak enough this year that this strategy could work if Sheets stays healthy. Even if the Brewers can't catch the Cubs, they should still be able to get the wild card. If they make the playoffs, they can roll the dice with Sabathia and Sheets could do what Schilling and Randy Johnson did in 2001. Of course, that paragraph hinges on the phrase "if Sheets stays healthy," which inspires little confidence. Not as little as say, "If Rich Harden stays healthy..."

Amir: Harden sprained both his eyeballs just reading reports of the trade. He's out for 8-12 weeks.

Ethan: Hey, it wouldn't feel like a real Cubs season without Mark Prior, right? They had to find the next-best thing. The Cubs' rotation is still good enough to win the NL even if Harden doesn't stay healthy. The offense and the top three starters should be enough. If they get five or six starts out of him before all of his joints spontaneously combust, they'll be in good shape. Ryan Dempster forever!

Amir: So do you have the Brewers or the Cubs facing the Rays in the World Series?

Ethan: I'm still hoping for Phillies-Rays. I think David Price will have to come up later in the year and pitch like a maniac for the Rays to hold off the Sox. That, or the Sox could just keep letting that old All Star Jason Varitek bat four times a week. That would help the Rays, too.

Amir: What is more possible as of right now, Favre playing next season or the Rays winning the AL?

Who wouldn't want this guy?! Under the legs dunks are worth 50 points, right?

Ethan: It looks like they're going to take Rose, right? Poor Vinny Del Negro. He finally gets to coach, and he gets a roster that's all guards and Joakim Noahs. Also, his name is Vinny Del Negro, which couldn't have been easy between ages 6 and 15.

Amir: I guess they learned the lesson of the 1984 Blazers and just want the best player rather than the best player that fits their current roster. If Derrick Rose really is the next Chris Paul maybe the Bulls are now just two years away from losing to the Cavs in the conference finals!

Ethan: Rose is definitely the best player, but I don't see Chicago winning with him in the short term, do you? Could they trade any of their other guards/wings to get a good big man? Sign and trade Ben Gordon? Is their plan just to hope Noah figures "this offense thing" out? Don't they have to think about taking Beasley? Or hope for a Bill Cartwright comeback?

Amir: I guess their thinking is that Rose plus the big man they can get for Hinrich is better than Gordon and Beasely. Though now there are reports that Miami doesn't even want Beasely. What a difference a month and three inches makes...

Ethan: Who's going to trade an elite big guy for Hinrich? Sure, Beasley can't play D, but Noah could help cover for him there in addition to teaching him how to scream, get arrested, and have a terrible haircut. Watch out, Chicago! You think Miami's going to trade its pick?

Amir: No. But I also didn't know that Miami had a new coach named Erik Spoelstra until two days ago, so what do I know! I think Beasely is a great compliment to D-Wade and Marion. That's a pretty good trio to compete in the east. I call them "The Medium Three!"

Ethan: Who else do you like in the draft? Mayo? And...is there anyone else you'd feel comfortable drafting?

How can you be speechless AND loud? It just doesn't make sense!

Ethan: Maybe you were watching this more closely than I was, but did Phil Jackson even coach the team last night? I think he was just sitting on the bench on mescaline. Nobody ever realized, "We can't rebound...maybe we shouldn't just shoot one-timer threes to give the ball back to the Celts on every possession?"

Amir: What do you want him to do? Trade for Leon Powe in the second quarter? Lakers are an offensive team. If they can't score they can't win. I've learned to never second guess the zen-master. He knows all.

Ethan: With the game plan they had last night, the Lakers winning as even less likely than Jordan Farmar finding earmuffs that fit. It wasn't just that their shots weren't falling; they were rebounding terribly and had too many defensive lapses. Let's give credit to the Celts, though; KG is now one of the world's most successful lunatics. He's right up there with Tom Cruise and Greenspan.

Amir: Did you see him after the game talking/babbling to Michelle Tafoya? I couldn't tell if he was really happy or just coming down from a drug so strong it makes heroin look like bubble gum. He was drooling, he was incoherent, he was yelling... I thought he would just burst into raw energy like the end of Powder and shoot out of the TD Banknorth Garden in a concentrated beam of light. God I hate that guy.

Ethan: Oh, how can you hate that? It's entertaining. If the Lakers had won, Kobe would be having to scramble to find kids to hold for photo ops. Since they lost, who knows how he's going to use his kids to curry public favor now; there's a decent chance Kobe appears in public breastfeeding a kid just to show what a sensitive guy he is. How great is it that the list of recent NBA championship coaches is: Pop, Riley, Larry Brown, Phil Jackson, Rudy T and...Doc Rivers?

Amir at Game 2. Shortly before he was eaten alive by 17,000 rabid fans.

Ethan: Last night answered a lot of questions for me. I feel like the Celtics can probably win a game in LA, and they can do well when KG struggles. One question remains, though: is there someone in the arena spraying Kendrick Perkins with a hose? Because after a minute in the game, he's far too damp for it to be just normal sweat.

Amir: No wonder Odom got in foul trouble. Can you imagine trying to guard that guy? It's like leaning up against a seal or something. I would rather be sitting down watching the game from courtside seats, too!

Ethan: You know, just when everyone's saying Doc Rivers is a terrible strategic coach, he goes and does something brilliant like having Ray Allen guard Kobe one-on-one at the end of a close game. How the hell did that seem like a good idea? That might have worked ten years ago.

Amir: They tried trapping Kobe and he just split the defense with a pass and Lamar found Sasha for a wide open three. Then they tried guarding him one on one, and he just embarrassed Allen like it was opening night of "He Got Game."

Ethan: Spike Lee is the original Kobe Bryant.

Amir: I don't know who you are impersonating, as Brent Barry AND Gregg Popovich disagree with that sentiment.

Foul or Not? YOU Make the call. Joey Crawford. Seriously.

Amir: Other obvious things about the last minute include Fisher's shot hitting the rim which should have lead to a shot clock reset and Kobe going to the line for the first time in 29 shot attempts! Either way, Spurs fans can't feel great about their last option being Brent Barry or Robert Horry. 73 years worth of sucking.

Ethan: I actually wanted the Lakers to win the series; that non-call just irritated me. Fisher's hip slammed Barry in the ear. How is that not a foul? (Interesting fact: Fisher's hip is like a seashell; if you put your ear to it, you can hear the sound of Jazz fans booing.) You're right about the Spurs, though; do they have the worst bench of the teams still in the playoffs?

Amir: Their bench is so bad they have to bench their highest scorer and bring him in four minutes into the game just to trick themselves into thinking their bench isn't just a 1996 All NBA-Third team.

Ethan: Jacque Vaughn is going to hit his stride at any moment now. He's just a late, late, late bloomer. Matt Bonner is a beast. Every team can't have Jason Maxiell on the bench. What got into him the other night? Pep talk from Theo Ratliff about what the 1962 Finals were like?

What's more insulting, Ray? That you suck, or that the Celtics are winning anyway?

Ethan: Hey, don't talk about Grandmama like that. That team had Charlie Ward and Dennis Scott. 3-D, baby! You already think the Celtics are really going to make the Finals? The Pistons can't steal a game in Boston?

Amir: The Pistons look they're even boring themselves at this point. How can you be a real fan of this team? Flip Saunders even turned to one of his assistants in the third quarter and asked "Is there anything else on?"

Ethan: I'm not a fan of the Pistons; they bore me, too. But the Celtics aren't exactly a thrill a minute, either. That Cleveland series was unwatchable until Game Seven. Even LeBron seemed to know it; he compared himself to Dominique Wilkins after the series ended. Shouldn't you compare yourself to someone who won a title? There's only limited glory in being the Tom Chambers of your generation.

Amir: The Human Highlight film didn't need to win a title. Who needs rings when you can windmill dunk during a game! Greatest Clipper ever!

Ethan: Did you know Kevin Garnett has a month-old baby? I hope he's super-intense when it comes to fatherhood, dusting baby powder on his hands and then clapping to make a dusty cloud in the baby's face.

Amir: I did not know that. I hope he feeds it by swallowing food, then pounding his chest, yelling until the meal gets regurgitated. Who do you think is favored to win it all, now that we're down to the final four?

AMIR: Don't even joke. Don't even joke.

"Keep pushing! I can see the head!!!"

AMIR:I only trust Guaran-sheeds, you know that. How much trash do you have to talk for Rasheed Wallace to want to take the moral high road?

ETHAN: That white patch of hair has never looked so dignified. I sort of liked that Nelson was making the guarantee when he was obviously on the worse team. That takes balls, and I hope the Nationals follow suit and make a World Series guarantee.

AMIR: I'll guarantee they WON'T be there. Does that count?

ETHAN: This makes six straight East finals for the Pistons. Dynasty alert?

AMIR: Let me put "six years" in perspective the first year the Pistons made the conference finals (2002-2003) they got swept by the Nets and Danny Manning was on their team.

ETHAN: Yeah, I know, the Pistons are THAT good. No shame in losing to the 2003 Nets, though. That team had Lucious Harris, Kerry Kittles, and Brian Scalabrine. You can't help it when you run into a buzzsaw like that. Why won't anyone give Detroit any love? Is it because they're kind of boring?

We tried to find a picture of Ray Allen scoring, but since that doesn't exist, here's one of Rondo stuck in Big Ben's orbit.

Ethan: I'd say Allen feels sadder; this has to be worse than the time he saw a VHS copy of He Got Game sitting on a sidewalk in a box of stuff labeled "Free to a good home. Or any home, really."

Amir: "I want to pay you for this." "Nah, just take it."

Ethan: At least he didn't ballhog yesterday; he only took four shots. He did have one assist though!

Amir: They would have only won by 2 without his contributions! If you are a Celtics fan, are you confident that your team can win this series?

Ethan: No, but I think they will. It's troubling that LeBron can absolutely stink out the joint on the road, and the Cavs can still almost win. I'm still sort of baffled that the Cavs can shoot 30% from the field and not get routed. Remember when Damon Jones played basketball?

Amir: Vaguely. He... oh my god. I just checked his wikipedia page. Guess how many teams he's been on? And don't guess a high number just because I said "oh my god."

Ethan: He bounced around a lot pre-Miami. Six? Nobody wants to keep you when you wear those stupid fucking sunglasses all the time.

Amir: Between 1998 and 2006 he played on ten different teams in 8 seasons. Never playing for the same team for two consecutive years until he joined Cleveland. Nets, Celtics, Warriors, Mavericks, Grizzlies, Pistons... sorry I have to stop typing. My fingers hurt.

Ethan: And now he's just one of two "D. Jones" who aren't playing for the Cavs. Were you as elated as I was that Theo Ratliff began scrapping and talking trash about the Magic? I thought he'd been dead since 2003. Welcome back, Theo!

DeShawn's "You can't see me anymore" motion will be especially true when the Wiz get bounced in Game 7.

Ethan: His beard alone is every bit the villain that the Iron Sheik was in his prime. The best part about Stevenson is that none of his behavior makes any sense. He'll showboat when he's losing. He'll wear a Mike Vick jersey. He'll ask Eddie Jordan to give Brendan Haywood's rotation spot to Soulja Boy. Why hasn't LeBron just finished him off?

Amir: Because LeBron is just one person, and Stevenson/Butler/Jamison is a pretty good three headed monster. Besides, you think the basketball gods would allow this series to go any less than seven?

Ethan: I hope they'd end it quick just to keep LeBron from getting hurt. Darius Songaila is going to show up with a baseball bat as the Wiz get progressively more violent with LeBron. I thought the East series were supposed to suck. Pistons-Sixers has been fun, and the Hawks are surprisingly feisty. Pistons and Celtics still win those series, though, right?

Amir: Naturally... but I think they both lost their right to be called favorites to win it all. I'm just hoping we get ot see some game 7's: Where anything can happen! Who's doing a better job this postseason: Kobe Bryant or DeShawn Stevenson's publicist?

Amir: Toronto/Orlando obviously.

A scene from Amir and Ethan's upcoming NBA commercial.

Amir: I'm most interested in that one because I'm a Lakers fan, but I wouldn't say it's better than watching LeBron get beaten up, or the Suns choking over and over. Those are also great to watch.

Ethan: I like that the NBA didn't see a need to suspend Brendan Haywood for murdering LeBron. Maybe if he'd brought a knife or something, they'd have fined him a little more.

Amir: Are the Wizards the most delusional team in the NBA?

Ethan: It's almost cute how they think they're good. Blow on that hand, DeShawn Stevenson! You're on fire, son!

Amir: He's heating up! I love the Wizards. If you can't beat 'em... beat 'em! But the Suns are pretty delusional too. Check out this actual quote from Steve Nash: "We had beaten them [two] straight times, now they've beaten us twice; it just happens to be in the playoffs,"

Ethan: He then added, "Anyhoo, these series are still best-of-nine, right? So no big deal."

Amir: Regular season, Post-season. It's all the same! Right, Suns fans?

Kobe and Vlad-Rad may not be from the same country, but they both speak the international language... of Serbian.

Ethan: Carmelo will drink to that. Anything to keep him out of having to play this first round series with such a splitting headache. Are you at all nervous about the Nuggets? Or the possibility of playing the Mavericks?

Amir: Nervous about the Nuggets? What year is this: Never? What the Lakers (and Amerca) really need is a Spurs/Suns series in the first round. That way the Lakers won't have to play them both. Those are probably the second and third best team in the West. What's your top four?

Ethan: Lakers, Hornets, Spurs, Clippers. I think that Chris Kaman would be able to make a lot of noise if they were just in the playoffs.

Amir: Wait just a minute... The Hornets? Are number two? Why... let's take a trip down memory lane to November 7th back when the NBA season was just one week old...

Amir: The Hornets are good. And not just good for a team who doesn't play in Texas. They are legit. Chris Paul is playing like an MVP...they are playing like a team who will have home court advantage in the playoffs.

Ethan:Home court? Are you insane? They're the fourth-best team in their division.

Ethan: I have no counter for that. I was wrong. In my defense, they're only two losses from being in third in their division, so it's not all that ridiculous. You know what is ridiculous, though? Ramon Sessions going 20-20 in points and assists and losing. It's confusing on like nine different levels.

"I'm a million years old!" exclaimed Summitt's mother after Pat's eighth title.

Ethan: Personally, I think she can probably do a little better than Sheldon Williams now. So many other draft busts are out there; it's time to give Marcus Fizer a try, baby. Do you think Memphis' practices are going to start including free-throw shooting now? Or is John Calipari going to stick with "if it ain't broke, don't fix it?"

Amir: When a team shoots 59% from the line, isn't it mathematically in your favor to foul them on every posession? I think Kansas could have blown them out using my patented Hack-a-Team method.

Ethan: What are you, the ghost of Don Nelson? And don't tell me he's not dead; look at his face.

Amir: Two questions: Is Kansas the best team in college basketball this year? And was that the best NCAA Finals game you've ever personally seen?

Ethan: I liked Kentucky-Arizona in 97 better, but I'm a Kentucky fan. The great thing about this game was that anyone with a brain could tell it was about to turn hilarious because Memphis couldn't shoot free throws.

Amir: Everyone except Billy Packer.

Ethan: I'm hoping Chalmers' shot takes the place of Christian Laettner's on highlight reels now. And yes, Kansas is the best team. How can you disagree?

Amir: I dunno, I just still like Georgia as a sleeper, I guess.

Ethan: Is Bill Self going to get the "security" he wants from Kansas? I mean, he's only making $1.3 million a year. With the dollar weakening, that's barely enough for a studio apartment in Lawrence, KS, right?