Recently a truck driver from Georgia won the $390 Mega Million jackpot. Are you gonna let him take your hard earned money like that!? He called you a "dumb-ass city slicker" too! Anyway, if you're looking to win, and I mean, really win, I've decided to share my fool proof, never fail, cannot miss lotto tips.

All I ask is that you think of me when you purchase your first 25 segways for your personal segway zoo/entertainment center.

Melanie's Fool Proof Never Fail Lottery Tips[upload:989062:small:left:How would you like some of this sweet cabbage, son? Those pennies add up!]

• If you don't say, "I'm feelin' lucky!" when you buy the ticket, you will lose.  And you have to say it like you mean it.

•  The more heartwarming your story will be, the more likely you are to win.  So you might want to consider cutting off your own legs before buying the ticket.

• Only play when the jackpot reaches $100M or higher. You're only going to win once, so don't waste it on some lame $96M prize. After taxes and a few sweet parties that will leave you with less than $30M to play with. Not worth it.
  

• You're more likely to win if God wants for you to win.  And if you still haven't won, it's because you're doing something to piss Him off.

•  If anyone questions your buying lotto tickets, tell them the money goes to support schools.  The same schools who did such a poor job teaching you math that you think this is a good gamble.

An old man turned ninety-eight. He won the lottery and died the next day... of chronic emphysema from inhalation of the latex particles scratched off decades' worth of lottery tickets.

A black fly in your Chardonnay... poured to celebrate the successful fumigation of your recently purchased vineyard in southern France.

A death row pardon two minutes too late... because the governor was too busy watching Dead Man Walking to grant clemency any earlier.

Rain on your wedding day... to Ra, the Egyptian sun-god.

A free ride when you've already paid... all of your money to the good-natured cab driver when you mistook him for a mugger.

The good advice that you just didn't take... after reading Norman Vincent Peale's The Power of Positive Thinking and resolving that the key to success is making your own decisions.

Mr. Play-it-Safe was afraid to fly. He packed his suitcase and kissed his kids goodbye. He waited his whole damn life to take that flight. And as the plane crashed down, he thought, Well isn't this nice... now I'll never make it to the National Association of Aviophobics conference in Reno, NV.

A traffic jam when you're already late... to receive an award from the Municipal Planning Board for reducing the city's automobile congestion 80 percent.

A no-smoking sign on your cigarette break... at the R.J. Reynolds Tobacco corporate offices in Winston-Salem, North Carolina.

Ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife... with which to kill your spouse for sleeping with the young soup chef who works at the Au Bon Pain.

Meeting the man of my dreams and then meeting his beautiful wife... who happens to be the psychiatrist I recently hired in hopes of improving my luck with the opposite sex.