Mindy Raf's Articles

5 total in April 2008

  • Things I Screamed while trying to get my Gardenia Plant to Bloom that I've also said to Guys I've Dated

    by Mindy Raf April 30, 2008
    Why are you so droopy? Come on, pep up!


    Uh -oh, looking discolored. Looks like someone got too much sun.


    Oh no, is that supposed to fall off like that?


    Are you acting this way because it's so dry?


    Are you suicidal? Is that it, is that the problem?


    I'm trying to keep it moist, but not saturated, okay?! It's not easy!


    Here, you need a little acid? Will that help?


    Grow baby, why won't you grow?!


    I've tried it in the bathroom, in the bedroom, in the living room, outside in the rain, nothing works!


    I hate you, you temperamental assh*le!


    I'm not treating your fungus! You're not worth it!
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  • Aliza Shvarts Breaks Up with her Boyfriend

    by Mindy Raf April 23, 2008


    Aliza: Can we talk?

    Boyfriend: Sure.

    Aliza: I think we should break up?

    Boyfriend: For real?

    Aliza:Well, I can't really tell you if this is real or not. The nature ofthis break-up doesn't consist of any certainties, you know?

    Boyfriend: Stop talking like that and just tell me, are you really breaking up with me or not?!

    Aliza: I can't! It's impossible to accurately identify the break-up. I'm sorry.

    Boyfriend: (sigh)So, I guess we're over?

    Aliza: Yes. But fictitiously. And factually, too. Our break-up, in a sense, is a long narrative of truthful lies.

    Boyfriend: What? What do you mean?

    Aliza: I'm sorry, but I have to stay ambiguous for the sake...of the break-up.

    Boyfriend: Wait, is this one of your "art" projects?! I told you from the beginning: don't involve 'us' in your 'art.' That's my deal breaker!

    Aliza: I'm not! I don't love you anymore. It's over.

    Boyfriend: Fine. This better be real though because I'm going to tell people.

    Aliza: Fine. Good

    Boyfriend: Oh...wait a minute. I get it! You're just telling me we're breaking up soI can tell EVERYONE about it. But really, the actual break-up will bethe product of everyone's reaction to this pseudo break-up. Nice try, but I'm not falling for it.

    Aliza: Don't try to understand me, baby. You're not smart enough.

    Boyfriend: Sorry. So...are we still together?

    Aliza: Yes, but just as a concept.

    Boyfriend: Can I f*ck you later?

    Aliza: Yes. Except the vagina as a receiver of the dick is a total myth, so we'll have to experiment.

    Boyfriend: Cool.

    Aliza: Hey sweetie, will you grab that plastic over there and lay it out on the floor so I can bleed on it?

    Boyfriend: Yeah, no problem. Wait...for "real?"

    http://www.courant.com/news/local/hc-yaleart0423.artapr23,0,3218278.story

    http://www.yaledailynews.com/articles/view/24559

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  • Threesome Rules from the Insecure Girlfriend

    by Mindy Raf April 16, 2008
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  • The Freshman Virgin Who Just Doesn't Get It Tries to Pick Up Guys at the Bar

    by Mindy Raf April 09, 2008

    If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put "U" and "I" together at a restaurant getting to know each other.

    Hi, my name's Mindy. You might want to remember it now because you'll be screaming it later, across the bar, when I'm leaving and you realize you don't have my phone number.

    Hold hands with me in public if I'm wrong, but is your name Zeus?

    Hey, let's get a pizza and kiss each other goodnight.

    So, you live around here? Oh, you do? That's cool. So hey, maybe we can get coffee sometime next week.

    Do you have a mirror in your pants? Why? Because I can see a girl looking for her
    soulmate in them.

    So what's your favorite kind of music that you'd want to dance to when you're my date for my cousin's wedding next weekend?

    You have really nice eyes that might see my boobs later and nothing else.

    Nice shoes, wanna girlfriend?

    That shirt is really becoming on you. I really like it. Blue's my favorite color.

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  • Clitter

    by Mindy Raf April 01, 2008


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Mindy Raf
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Mindy Raf is a writer and performer in New York City. She is a regular...

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