Streeter Seidell's Article Archive
16 total in March 2004Support My Cousin
-What's with all the boobs on this page? I mean, I'm not complaining, I like the sight of a pair of mamm-tastic breasts as much as any guy, but it seems we have a lot of exhibitionists here. And thank god for that too, you don't know how many of my mornings have been lightened by browsing the pictures section of collegehumor and seeing some lovely coed cans before my morning astronomy class. But here is where it gets serious.
-Let me tell you about my cousin Nate. He is a few years older than me and was a big influence on me when I was young. He was always the funniest one in the family and I wanted to be like him so bad, which may have been why I developed a sense of humor (or it could have been because I was fat and it was a defense mechanism, as my shrink says"but that is neither here nor there). Nate is now in the very unfunny business of being an army ranger. He just got out of ranger school in southern Georgia and it sounded like hell. And what's the reward for drudging through swamps for weeks at a time? Going to war!
-Now, I don't agree with the war but I put my full support behind him for having the nut (as I certainly do not) to step up and defend us. Me, I'd just slowly inch my way over the Canadian border while whistling and looking around with my hands in my pockets. I won't get to see Nate before he goes overseas, but I wanted to give him something special to let him know that I'm thinking about him. Now, here is where the boobs come in.
-Picture my poor cousin sitting in a tent in the desert, all alone, without any friends or family to talk to. Now picture how happy he would be when an envelope showed up with my name on it. Now picture even how much more happy he would be if, instead of a letter from me, it was a card with a bunch of boobs on it thanking him. He'd be so happy, he might even discharge his weapon right on the spot!
-So, here is what I ask of you. Send me a picture of your boobs with the words "Thanks Nate" written on them to boobtroop@hotmail.com. I will then compile these pictures, with the aid of my Microsoft Paint program, into a card to send to him overseas. Let's face it, soldiers don't want love letters, they want boobs and I want to help my cousin out and so should you. You don't hate America, do you?
-Now, I'm not a pervert and I have seen enough boobs in my day (I just look in the mirror) not to really care about them that much. And, to prove that I won't just be keeping these pictures on my computer to pleasure myself to, when the card is finished I will email back a copy of it to all of you who sent in pictures. How fun is that! Maybe, when he gets the card, he'll even take a picture of him with it and send that back to me? Who knows"
-So, send away and support my cousin. boobtroop@hotmail.com
On a complete side note, if you're into designing video games, check this out http://www.blueontario.da.ru. They are looking for help.
-Let me tell you about my cousin Nate. He is a few years older than me and was a big influence on me when I was young. He was always the funniest one in the family and I wanted to be like him so bad, which may have been why I developed a sense of humor (or it could have been because I was fat and it was a defense mechanism, as my shrink says"but that is neither here nor there). Nate is now in the very unfunny business of being an army ranger. He just got out of ranger school in southern Georgia and it sounded like hell. And what's the reward for drudging through swamps for weeks at a time? Going to war!
-Now, I don't agree with the war but I put my full support behind him for having the nut (as I certainly do not) to step up and defend us. Me, I'd just slowly inch my way over the Canadian border while whistling and looking around with my hands in my pockets. I won't get to see Nate before he goes overseas, but I wanted to give him something special to let him know that I'm thinking about him. Now, here is where the boobs come in.
-Picture my poor cousin sitting in a tent in the desert, all alone, without any friends or family to talk to. Now picture how happy he would be when an envelope showed up with my name on it. Now picture even how much more happy he would be if, instead of a letter from me, it was a card with a bunch of boobs on it thanking him. He'd be so happy, he might even discharge his weapon right on the spot!
-So, here is what I ask of you. Send me a picture of your boobs with the words "Thanks Nate" written on them to boobtroop@hotmail.com. I will then compile these pictures, with the aid of my Microsoft Paint program, into a card to send to him overseas. Let's face it, soldiers don't want love letters, they want boobs and I want to help my cousin out and so should you. You don't hate America, do you?
-Now, I'm not a pervert and I have seen enough boobs in my day (I just look in the mirror) not to really care about them that much. And, to prove that I won't just be keeping these pictures on my computer to pleasure myself to, when the card is finished I will email back a copy of it to all of you who sent in pictures. How fun is that! Maybe, when he gets the card, he'll even take a picture of him with it and send that back to me? Who knows"
-So, send away and support my cousin. boobtroop@hotmail.com
On a complete side note, if you're into designing video games, check this out http://www.blueontario.da.ru. They are looking for help.
FacebookPeople You Hate II
-It's time for another stirring edition of The Hate List. Last time, you sent your own lists in to me and I put them up. But then I got mad because I wanted to put up more of my own. So, this time, I have included some of my own plus yours, so I think it'll be a nice mix and I won't cry anymore. Keep them coming to suxatlife@hotmail.com and let's let the hate flow freely like a shot of vodka down an ice luge.
-Some of Mine
-Professor But Why:
"Can anyone tell me why the hero has to cross the threshold?"
"So he can enter the story world."
"Yes".but why?"
"So the story can progress."
"Ok"but why?"
"Because that is part of the hero's journey?"
"Yes"but why?"
SHUT THE FUCK UP! Did you even prepare a lesson for today or are you just going to ask "but why" after everything anyone says? Do you even know what you are talking about? Are you a goddamned five-year-old? I know you don't know what you are talking about so let's just cut the shit. My parents aren't paying $36,000 a year for you to ask "but why" all day long. Next time I show up to class, you better have some semblance of an idea of what you're talking about, you asshole"I hate you!
-The Bum:
We all have this friend, the one that is constantly asking you to let them "borrow" something. "Hey man, can I borrow a smoke?" Oh, you want to borrow a smoke? Are you going to be giving it back to me? Will you be coughing up all the tar and collecting the ash to reform my cigarette when you are done? No? I didn't think so. Just ask to "have" something. "Can I borrow a bite of your cookie?" "Can I borrow a beer?" It's bad enough that this asshole is experiencing a constant shortage of everything and needs to bum off you, but he doesn't even have the nut to ask to have it. He tries to be all cute and innocent by "borrowing" things from you. I'm not digging through your shit to get my fucking cookie back, you dickhead"I hate you!
-Mr. and Mrs. My Life Story:
Why is this kid in everyone of my classes? It seems that this kid, when answering a question or asking one, must let some inane details of their life slip out. "Umm, is there a universal equation to solve quardratics, because my best friend who killed herself in high school always had problems with quadratics?" Do you want a hug? I mean, I don't want to be an asshole, but what does your mother's alcoholism have to do with The Illiad? Stop trying to get sympathy out of everyone in class. Nobody cares that your uncle used to be a coke head or that you have a blind spot in your eye. Save all these interesting facts for your one friend and stop being a goddamned sympathy whore in class"I hate you!
-Some of Yours
-Reader Shannon R. really hates: The girl in my stats class who has to remark, answer and laugh about every comment, question, and joke the teacher asks. She's the only one even awake in the class and I swear she's in love with the teacher. Jump off a bridge, I hate you.
-Shannon also hates: the idiots who pimp out there Geo Metro's and Suzuki toy cars and act like it's the next contestant in the Fast and the Furious. Putting tint on the windows and a bottle muffler does not make it a 10 second car, if you even know what a 10 second car is. Stop wasting your money on your piece of shit car and go home and jerk off. I hate you.
-Reader Michael C. really hates: The Artist, similar to the poet, but not quite the same
The artist is the skinny ugly kid who wears big old gross sweaters, wears his long pubelike hair in a ponytail and perhaps a bun, impresses people by making "funny" random/artsy/retarded comments like..."wow...that guy is almost as goofy lookin as a break dancin penguin (goofy annoying laugh)" which is soon followed by everyone in the immediate vicinity laughing too. The artist plays guitar or trumpet whenever he wants, singing or playing songs that nobody's ever heard. He acts as though they are well known in the way he talks about the merits of such music. This guy can draw a rhino with one of those fat "retard" pencils so well that it looks like a photograph. This fellow appears witty and cool to some, however, you know that he'll go nowhere in life, which is funny. I hate you.
-Reader Barrie G (a girl) really hates: The Too Cool To Be Happy Girl- You know those people. You're at a club, dancing, having a great time, laughing with your friends. You look to your left at some hot chick who looks like she would be having a great time if she didn't have such a large stick up her ass. She has what I call the "club face" on. A complete blank stare toward the crowd, making it look like she's way too good to be there. What is the point of this? I don't know. When I go out, I make it obvious that I'm having fun. Maybe I've been doing it wrong all along, but anyhow, Too Cool To Be Happy Girl, I hate you.
-Barrie also hates: The Phone People- These people are always around. No matter where you are, there is always the person who is either waiting for someone to pick them up, waiting in line, waiting for the bus, waiting to get laid, and they constantly check their phone. They're sitting by themselves, then they whip out their phone and check it every 30 seconds. If that's not enough, they call 3 or 4 people but they don't answer (probably because you're annoying), and then they check their phone again. Dude, get over it, no one likes you. Oh, and I hate you.
-Reader Jeremy U. Really hates: The "Huh" Kid - This is the guy in the lecture hall that says "huh" or "hmm" at anything that the professor says that he didn't know before. He doesn't do it quietly either, like to his friend next to him (because he has none), he makes it known to the entire lecture of 300+ people that he is actively thinking about what the teacher is saying. One time I said "huh" to mock him, and he turned around from 4 rows in front of me to say, "Yeah I know, right?" Douche, I hate you.
-Jeremy also hates: Laptop Boy - This is the guy that makes it to every lecture and pulls out his laptop as soon as he sits down. He doesn't take notes on his portable computer, he watches a DVD through the entire lecture. If you are going to watch a movie, stay in you dorm room and actually watch it without headphones. The lecture hall is not the best place for watching a movie, how can you concentrate on viewing an action packed flick when the professor keeps babbling something about the test next week. There are some kids that write papers for another class while attending lecture. It's a little better than watching a DVD because you can still listen to the professor, but still why come. If the professor was taking attendance, this tactic might make sense, but in these lectures of 300+ people the professor won't know that you are missing, and if he did, he wouldn't know who you were. So to these folks I say, "Stay in your room, don't waste precious movie watching time, or paper writing minutes to walk to class, douche." I hate you.
-A Reader that failed to give me his/her name really hates: Emo Kids- I see them everywhere with their goddamn memo books. I wish I was more emo. Maybe it would help me pick up chicks if I was a huge pussy all the time, and kept all my anger inside and presented myself as being an inadequate social failure. There's nothing more hip than looking like you know and accept that everyone hates you. Maybe I'll write a blog and list all the avant-garde local bands that my friends are in, and all the movies about crying that I have posters of, so that everyone knows that I'm a maladjusted fruitcake poseur who doesn't have any opinions. No, 'I only like sad music and foreign movies' doesn't count as an opinion. Go anger some raccoons or something. I hate you.
-Reader Julia B. really hates: The Taker- You wake up after a long night of drinking and start dreaming of nothing but the tallest glass of orange juice possible to quench that stale beer thirst. So you roll out of bed, and down to the kitchen. Open up the fridge, unscrew the OJ cap, only to find that it is empty. Now, let's just say you live in a house with three other 20-something guys and you're the only one who goes food shopping and make it clear to every one of them to not touch your fucking food. So you're pissed and drink water instead. Now, immediately following the OJ escapade, you realize you need to take a huge dump. You now wander to the bathroom and shit out twice your body weight. Go for the toilet paper only to find that the last asshole left the last 1/2 square of cottonelle on the fucking roll and there's no backup. This is the fucking guy that I hate. The 'taker,' 'the guy that loves to leave nothing,' ' the guy that loves to ruin your day with the small stuff,' or whatever you want to call it. But we always get pissed at this guy as if it were the first time this has happened in our life, and it hasn't, and we will continue to act just as pissed every other time it happens too, why is this? Now I am thirsty and have a rash"I hate you!
-My Ex-girlfriend really hates: Me- you're a big fucking asshole! What's the matter with you? Why would you want to spread hate and shit around? This is the same shit you did when we were together. That's why I dumped you, you fucking jerk. I hope you have a lonely, hate filled life, faggot!
-Surprise! I gave you crabs! Have fun with that! (bitch)
-This has been another edition of the famous Hate List. I hope you have enjoyed it. Keep them coming to suxatlife@hotmail.com and we'll keep the hate going strong. Thank you to my readers for sending me their lists and thank you to me for making some of my own. Now, go out and spread the gospel of hate.
Hey NYPD, what the hell?
-Welcome to NYPD the Gameshow! Where we take real life, law abiding people and ruin their week with a series of ridiculous tickets and stops! Our first contestant is a young comedian and writer for collegehumor.com, please give a warm welcome to Mr. Streeter Seidell! C'mon down here Streeter. So, how do you feel about the NYPD?
"Well, normally, I appreciate them, you know they keep me relatively safe and all."
And have you ever been pulled over by them before?
"Oh no, I try to follow all the rules of the road when I drive."
Well, that doesn't matter anymore! Ok, you are familiar with the rules of the game, so lets begin.
-It's time to play, say it with me audience, "Alternate Side of the Street Parking!!!!!" Ok, Streeter, just reach your hand down inside that bag there and pull out a piece of paper. What does it say? Tuesday!!!! Ok, now you have to tell me which side of the street you can park on Tuesday morning? NOOOO, I'm sorry, the east side is incorrect. It is the west side on Tuesday and the east on Monday and Friday. I'm sorry, that's a $45 summons.
-But let's move onto our next game, it's time for "Illegal Lane Change." Now, I am going to ask you some questions, and you must answer them as truthfully as you can. Ok, here we go. Why are you driving in a bike lane?
"Because I got stuc"."
Too bad, $90 ticket.
"But I was blocked in by".."
No way to talk your way out of this one. And, as an added prize, we will make you late for the comedy show you are supposed to be performing in. This puts your summons total for the week at $135. Not bad, but the game is not over yet!
-Our next event is something we like to call "Roadblock." The object of this game is to se how long you can stay stuck in the Brooklyn Battery Tunnel, while we search random cars at the end of it. What's that you say, you're on the way to see a girl you really like in Brooklyn and if you don't get there soon, she won't be able to see you? Too bad. What's that, why don't we search people BEFORE they get in the tunnel to see if they have explosives? Because we didn't think about that! So, while you didn't get a ticket, you missed your one chance to see this girl and had to sit in a 45 minute traffic jam underground! But, don't worry, we still have one more game to come.
-Our final event is called the "Toll Booth Lane." In it, we put you in the Easy-pass lane even though you don't have an easy pass. The bar won't go up for you, so what are you going to do? I see you have selected option number two, call the police officer over to help you. Ok, ok, ok, you have given him $5 for the $4 toll. He's keeping the change, by the way, and what's this? He's writing you another ticket"for $50!
-What a sensational ending to the show! Three tickets and an hour delay! Oh my gosh, we haven't seen this much action on this show for a while. You have accumulated $185 in tickets and have missed your chance at seeing a girl you really like! But hey, who cares about the girl, you don't have any money left to take her out anyway! Wow, well that's all for us here at NYPD the Gameshow. Join us next week when Streeter will be returning to the show for more erroneous tickets and harassment! Buckle Up!
"Well, normally, I appreciate them, you know they keep me relatively safe and all."
And have you ever been pulled over by them before?
"Oh no, I try to follow all the rules of the road when I drive."
Well, that doesn't matter anymore! Ok, you are familiar with the rules of the game, so lets begin.
-It's time to play, say it with me audience, "Alternate Side of the Street Parking!!!!!" Ok, Streeter, just reach your hand down inside that bag there and pull out a piece of paper. What does it say? Tuesday!!!! Ok, now you have to tell me which side of the street you can park on Tuesday morning? NOOOO, I'm sorry, the east side is incorrect. It is the west side on Tuesday and the east on Monday and Friday. I'm sorry, that's a $45 summons.
-But let's move onto our next game, it's time for "Illegal Lane Change." Now, I am going to ask you some questions, and you must answer them as truthfully as you can. Ok, here we go. Why are you driving in a bike lane?
"Because I got stuc"."
Too bad, $90 ticket.
"But I was blocked in by".."
No way to talk your way out of this one. And, as an added prize, we will make you late for the comedy show you are supposed to be performing in. This puts your summons total for the week at $135. Not bad, but the game is not over yet!
-Our next event is something we like to call "Roadblock." The object of this game is to se how long you can stay stuck in the Brooklyn Battery Tunnel, while we search random cars at the end of it. What's that you say, you're on the way to see a girl you really like in Brooklyn and if you don't get there soon, she won't be able to see you? Too bad. What's that, why don't we search people BEFORE they get in the tunnel to see if they have explosives? Because we didn't think about that! So, while you didn't get a ticket, you missed your one chance to see this girl and had to sit in a 45 minute traffic jam underground! But, don't worry, we still have one more game to come.
-Our final event is called the "Toll Booth Lane." In it, we put you in the Easy-pass lane even though you don't have an easy pass. The bar won't go up for you, so what are you going to do? I see you have selected option number two, call the police officer over to help you. Ok, ok, ok, you have given him $5 for the $4 toll. He's keeping the change, by the way, and what's this? He's writing you another ticket"for $50!
-What a sensational ending to the show! Three tickets and an hour delay! Oh my gosh, we haven't seen this much action on this show for a while. You have accumulated $185 in tickets and have missed your chance at seeing a girl you really like! But hey, who cares about the girl, you don't have any money left to take her out anyway! Wow, well that's all for us here at NYPD the Gameshow. Join us next week when Streeter will be returning to the show for more erroneous tickets and harassment! Buckle Up!
I Dare You to IM Me
-If you haven't noticed, I write a lot of stuff in a short amount of time. I'm not saying that it is all good (which it is), just that I turn out a lot of crap at a rapid tempo. Now, I am not the smartest person in the world and I seem to be having trouble thinking of a new idea for an issue right now. I want something homegrown, something potent, something hydroponic"what? I mean, I want something to do with you, the readers. Why should you care about me? I'm just some asshole in The Bronx babbling about shit. You"you're the real deal out there, and I want to write about you.
-But I don't know any of you really, do I? How can I write about people that I do not know? Well, this got me thinking and the best thing to do when you need to think is drive down to Manhattan, which it did. After getting myself lost a few times, blowing a couple of red lights and transvestites, and generally not obeying the rules of the road, it hit me"use AOL instant Messenger.
-What a brilliant idea! Then I can talk to you guys and see what you're really like. So, I put it to you, the readers, to IM me. No, I DARE you to IM me. "This could be a lot of fun," I began to think as I cut off a cab and threw up my middle finger.
-But what can we talk about? Well, anything really I suppose. I'm not into the whole cybersex thing because last time I tried I got my penis stuck in the CD tray and it cost a lot to fix it (the CD tray, that is, my penis still works %68 of the time). And hey, my dad is a shrink, so maybe I can help you with your problems. Or maybe you need some romance advice? Just ask, I also write a romance advice column for another publication, so I think I'm pretty well versed there too. Perhaps you need some help with your homework? Well, far be from me to brag, but I did do pretty well on my SATs and I took some AP courses in high school, so maybe I can help. Or, you can just IM me to talk about whatever. I only go to class four days a week and spend a lot of time sitting around wondering where else I could be sitting, so the distraction will be nice. Sometimes I even go to the bathroom when I don't have to, just because it is something else to do.
-Here's the catch; whatever you say to me, I might use in an article. I will not use your screen name or any identifying details, but whatever you say becomes public property (I know a lawyer and I think that is true???). Don't worry, I'm not mean, I'm not going to say nasty things to you, I just want to know what all you guys are like, that's all. If you say something clever enough, funny enough, or just plain strange enough, you'll probably be appearing in an article and you can say to all your friends, "see where it says, "and then this crazy girl tells me, one time I ate a urinal cake on a dare.' He's talking about me!"
-What do you have to lose? Dignity, self-respect, your internet V-card? Who needs "em? IM me today and say hi. If I don't respond for a while, don't get mad, I'm probably just trying to finish watching the new Girls Gone Wild before I answer you. If I block you, don't be insulted, it just means that you said something very, very odd. And, to be honest, I don't get offended that easily, so I probably won't block you.
-Take a chance. I dare you to IM me. I use AOL instant messenger and my screen name is streeter122. Send me some love, as the girls say and maybe, just maybe, I'll send some back. If you have any questions for me, I'll be honest with you about most of what you ask (so long as you never ask what happened between me and the guy at the zoo"I'll never tell about that). So, let's chat. Streeter122 on AIM. Let's find out just who you guys are. (The more I think about this, it could be a bad idea"oh well, too late now).
-But I don't know any of you really, do I? How can I write about people that I do not know? Well, this got me thinking and the best thing to do when you need to think is drive down to Manhattan, which it did. After getting myself lost a few times, blowing a couple of red lights and transvestites, and generally not obeying the rules of the road, it hit me"use AOL instant Messenger.
-What a brilliant idea! Then I can talk to you guys and see what you're really like. So, I put it to you, the readers, to IM me. No, I DARE you to IM me. "This could be a lot of fun," I began to think as I cut off a cab and threw up my middle finger.
-But what can we talk about? Well, anything really I suppose. I'm not into the whole cybersex thing because last time I tried I got my penis stuck in the CD tray and it cost a lot to fix it (the CD tray, that is, my penis still works %68 of the time). And hey, my dad is a shrink, so maybe I can help you with your problems. Or maybe you need some romance advice? Just ask, I also write a romance advice column for another publication, so I think I'm pretty well versed there too. Perhaps you need some help with your homework? Well, far be from me to brag, but I did do pretty well on my SATs and I took some AP courses in high school, so maybe I can help. Or, you can just IM me to talk about whatever. I only go to class four days a week and spend a lot of time sitting around wondering where else I could be sitting, so the distraction will be nice. Sometimes I even go to the bathroom when I don't have to, just because it is something else to do.
-Here's the catch; whatever you say to me, I might use in an article. I will not use your screen name or any identifying details, but whatever you say becomes public property (I know a lawyer and I think that is true???). Don't worry, I'm not mean, I'm not going to say nasty things to you, I just want to know what all you guys are like, that's all. If you say something clever enough, funny enough, or just plain strange enough, you'll probably be appearing in an article and you can say to all your friends, "see where it says, "and then this crazy girl tells me, one time I ate a urinal cake on a dare.' He's talking about me!"
-What do you have to lose? Dignity, self-respect, your internet V-card? Who needs "em? IM me today and say hi. If I don't respond for a while, don't get mad, I'm probably just trying to finish watching the new Girls Gone Wild before I answer you. If I block you, don't be insulted, it just means that you said something very, very odd. And, to be honest, I don't get offended that easily, so I probably won't block you.
-Take a chance. I dare you to IM me. I use AOL instant messenger and my screen name is streeter122. Send me some love, as the girls say and maybe, just maybe, I'll send some back. If you have any questions for me, I'll be honest with you about most of what you ask (so long as you never ask what happened between me and the guy at the zoo"I'll never tell about that). So, let's chat. Streeter122 on AIM. Let's find out just who you guys are. (The more I think about this, it could be a bad idea"oh well, too late now).
People You Hate
-A few days ago, I wrote a short list of people I hate. It was lighthearted, humorous, and undignified. In that issue, I asked you to write me and tell me about the people who you hate. Now, I figured I wouldn't be hearing much from you guys since you all seem so nice"but I was wrong. All of you are full of hate and I love it! Thank you all for showing me that what beats inside you is not a big, red, muscle coursing with love"but a small, black, shriveled stone raging with hate.
-So, here they are, my reader's favorite people to hate! (since you guys seem to like to hate people, keep the hate lists coming to suxatlife@hotmail.com and we can do more issues like this!)
-Reader Ashleigh F. really hates: The Un-hot chick: This girl is everywhere. She is in extreme denial that she does not have a J-Lo ass, and that her fatness does not qualify as "phatness." She wears her shirts two sizes two small, her lowrider jeans halfway down her ass, all so her size 3X thong can be thoroughly exposed for gentlemen to see. Her attitude is generally bitchy toward smaller females, and is commonly found slobbering cherry-red Wal-Mart lip gloss all over the dudes at her school. You know, some of us are just able to embrace our differences in body and in beauty. Instead, you give a bad name to all chunky girls by masking your insecurities with your defense mechanism of dressing as a ho. Then, you get all pissed and think the dudes hate you because you're ugly or fat. It's the personality that's truly ugly, sister; and your leopard-print lycra pants do not help your situation. I hate you.
-Ashleigh also hates: The Too-Cool-For-Teach: This kid is in every one of my classes, it seems. He is not tough, or big, or powerful in any way, but he simply has a problem respecting any kind of authority. He attends every class, but only so he can give a nasty attitude to the professor, perhaps in an attempt to impress his classmates. It never works, but he goes on to act like, "Hey, I'm too cool for you guys, too"So I don't care if you're not impressed." The TCFT is a dick to professors, campus security, his hall director, and everyone who gets paid to boss someone around. This kid seriously lacks social skills and does not understand the nature of conversation. It's as if he thinks his life is a T.V. show, where he says cool catch phrases, and his audience simply reacts to him. Yeah, you really don't care what I think, do you? If you're trying to convince me that you truly don't care, that you're not going to put effort into anything in life because no one will ever understand how cool you are, then why CARE enough to put so much EFFORT into proving your position?? If Dr. Hughes supposedly can't control you, then why do you show up to each of his classes and submit every bit of homework? Stupid fuck. I hate you.
-Reader Kevan H. really hates: The Follow-Up Questioner.
This is the classmate who you know will always ask at least two follow-up questions to the questions they ask. Its kinda like, hey this isnt your own personal learning session, there are 80 other kids in this class who want this guy to get through his lecture so we can go home and start working on today's 30 pack of Beast.
-Kevan also hates: The Beer Counter...
This is the shitbrick who feels it necessary to keep track of how many beers all 37 people at the party are drinking. That way he can feel proud when it takes him more beers to get drunk than the 97 pound sorrority girl. Hey if i could get drunk off a 6pack, id be a lot less poor than I am now. Nobody really gives a shit how many Keystone Lights you can put away, just shut the fuck up, get drunk, and have fun.
-Reader Emily really hates: Post-Sneeze Competitors: I don't know if you have come in contact with anyone like this, but in my Philosophy class it has almost become a race to see who can say "God Bless You" first/loudest. There's one girl in particular, who seems almost cannibalistic about it, and I'd bet money that she's blessed more people than the Pope. It's distracting, because directly after her piercing shout, I'm forced to spend atleast twenty minutes contemplating her demise. If she really wanted to help she should distribute tissues, a silent act that does NOT wake me from my in-class nap. I hate her.
-Emily also hates: Texans who love Texas: I've never been to Texas, and I don't want to. First of all, anyone with a Texas accent sounds slow, no two ways about it. I hail from the North-East, and I need to talk fast, and a lot. I can't stand around all day listening to somebody drawl, especially about rodeos or ten gallon hats, and everything else that makes Texas "so great". And don't they know that playing the George W. Bush card does not work in their favor? I've encountered more than my fair share of these cowboys, and all I have to say is this: if Texas is so great, then why the hell are you in Connecticut? I hate them.
-Reader Mike R. really hates: Poets: Yes, life is pain. Yes, your mother abandoned you at a young age, and your father spends all his time masturbating to pictures of John Goodman with a jar of mayonnaise (not even Miracle Whip"regular fucking mayo). And yes, your life sucks. But y'know what? Everyone else has the same problems (or was the John Goodman thing just my dad?). Your pretentious ramblings mean fuck all to me and most others with a brain stem connecting their gray matter to the rest of their body. If you've got to bitch, then be like everybody else and just bitch. There's no need to do it in stanzas. So, here's a big "Fuck You" to all poets and all poetry readers. Especially dead, popular poets (note: I may just be bitter because I'm in the middle of a paper on some crappy poetry).
-Mike also hates: Name-Droppers: You know who I'm talking about. Those people who are moderately famous for knowing the sister, or dog, or dog's sister of someone who is moderately more famous. These people always feel compelled to bring up this dubious relation because their stories aren't interesting enough unless they've got that certain flair of "I still don't give a crap" to them. On the plus side, if you're forced to endure the idiot ramblings of a name-dropper, at least you don't have to pretend to give a shit about their pathetic lives. It really is a shame that society frowns upon spitting in someone's face every time they pull this crap. So, here's a big "Fuck You" to all those who's lives have to be justified by someone else's. Especially my American Lit professor.
-And finally, I think Mike R. sums up this last one for all us men out there
-Mike R. hates: Pretty girls: Not just any pretty girls either. The spectacular uber-pretty girls who just know they're all that. No, I will not supplicate to you. No, I will not be your bitch boy just because you have a nice rack. And, for the last time, I will not buy you a fucking drink. The world has given you enough, and it's high time you started giving back. I'll take payments in the form of oral sex and/or you just shutting the fuck up about your highlights for 15 seconds. So, here's a big "Fuck You" to all the absurdly gorgeous women I've either nailed or tried to nail (and those ones I haven't attempted yet). Especially Leigh Ann from work the other night. (yeah Leigh Ann, why don't you just be cool to Mike, you big bitch!)
-I want to thank my readers for sending me these hate lists. I've had agreat time reading them, and, for all you with hate on your mind, send me a list (suxatlife@hotmail.com) and you might see yourself up here soon.
-NOTE: I take no responsibility for anything my readers say. Nor do I take responsibility if they speled wurds rong or used, in'corekt gramner?
-So, here they are, my reader's favorite people to hate! (since you guys seem to like to hate people, keep the hate lists coming to suxatlife@hotmail.com and we can do more issues like this!)
-Reader Ashleigh F. really hates: The Un-hot chick: This girl is everywhere. She is in extreme denial that she does not have a J-Lo ass, and that her fatness does not qualify as "phatness." She wears her shirts two sizes two small, her lowrider jeans halfway down her ass, all so her size 3X thong can be thoroughly exposed for gentlemen to see. Her attitude is generally bitchy toward smaller females, and is commonly found slobbering cherry-red Wal-Mart lip gloss all over the dudes at her school. You know, some of us are just able to embrace our differences in body and in beauty. Instead, you give a bad name to all chunky girls by masking your insecurities with your defense mechanism of dressing as a ho. Then, you get all pissed and think the dudes hate you because you're ugly or fat. It's the personality that's truly ugly, sister; and your leopard-print lycra pants do not help your situation. I hate you.
-Ashleigh also hates: The Too-Cool-For-Teach: This kid is in every one of my classes, it seems. He is not tough, or big, or powerful in any way, but he simply has a problem respecting any kind of authority. He attends every class, but only so he can give a nasty attitude to the professor, perhaps in an attempt to impress his classmates. It never works, but he goes on to act like, "Hey, I'm too cool for you guys, too"So I don't care if you're not impressed." The TCFT is a dick to professors, campus security, his hall director, and everyone who gets paid to boss someone around. This kid seriously lacks social skills and does not understand the nature of conversation. It's as if he thinks his life is a T.V. show, where he says cool catch phrases, and his audience simply reacts to him. Yeah, you really don't care what I think, do you? If you're trying to convince me that you truly don't care, that you're not going to put effort into anything in life because no one will ever understand how cool you are, then why CARE enough to put so much EFFORT into proving your position?? If Dr. Hughes supposedly can't control you, then why do you show up to each of his classes and submit every bit of homework? Stupid fuck. I hate you.
-Reader Kevan H. really hates: The Follow-Up Questioner.
This is the classmate who you know will always ask at least two follow-up questions to the questions they ask. Its kinda like, hey this isnt your own personal learning session, there are 80 other kids in this class who want this guy to get through his lecture so we can go home and start working on today's 30 pack of Beast.
-Kevan also hates: The Beer Counter...
This is the shitbrick who feels it necessary to keep track of how many beers all 37 people at the party are drinking. That way he can feel proud when it takes him more beers to get drunk than the 97 pound sorrority girl. Hey if i could get drunk off a 6pack, id be a lot less poor than I am now. Nobody really gives a shit how many Keystone Lights you can put away, just shut the fuck up, get drunk, and have fun.
-Reader Emily really hates: Post-Sneeze Competitors: I don't know if you have come in contact with anyone like this, but in my Philosophy class it has almost become a race to see who can say "God Bless You" first/loudest. There's one girl in particular, who seems almost cannibalistic about it, and I'd bet money that she's blessed more people than the Pope. It's distracting, because directly after her piercing shout, I'm forced to spend atleast twenty minutes contemplating her demise. If she really wanted to help she should distribute tissues, a silent act that does NOT wake me from my in-class nap. I hate her.
-Emily also hates: Texans who love Texas: I've never been to Texas, and I don't want to. First of all, anyone with a Texas accent sounds slow, no two ways about it. I hail from the North-East, and I need to talk fast, and a lot. I can't stand around all day listening to somebody drawl, especially about rodeos or ten gallon hats, and everything else that makes Texas "so great". And don't they know that playing the George W. Bush card does not work in their favor? I've encountered more than my fair share of these cowboys, and all I have to say is this: if Texas is so great, then why the hell are you in Connecticut? I hate them.
-Reader Mike R. really hates: Poets: Yes, life is pain. Yes, your mother abandoned you at a young age, and your father spends all his time masturbating to pictures of John Goodman with a jar of mayonnaise (not even Miracle Whip"regular fucking mayo). And yes, your life sucks. But y'know what? Everyone else has the same problems (or was the John Goodman thing just my dad?). Your pretentious ramblings mean fuck all to me and most others with a brain stem connecting their gray matter to the rest of their body. If you've got to bitch, then be like everybody else and just bitch. There's no need to do it in stanzas. So, here's a big "Fuck You" to all poets and all poetry readers. Especially dead, popular poets (note: I may just be bitter because I'm in the middle of a paper on some crappy poetry).
-Mike also hates: Name-Droppers: You know who I'm talking about. Those people who are moderately famous for knowing the sister, or dog, or dog's sister of someone who is moderately more famous. These people always feel compelled to bring up this dubious relation because their stories aren't interesting enough unless they've got that certain flair of "I still don't give a crap" to them. On the plus side, if you're forced to endure the idiot ramblings of a name-dropper, at least you don't have to pretend to give a shit about their pathetic lives. It really is a shame that society frowns upon spitting in someone's face every time they pull this crap. So, here's a big "Fuck You" to all those who's lives have to be justified by someone else's. Especially my American Lit professor.
-And finally, I think Mike R. sums up this last one for all us men out there
-Mike R. hates: Pretty girls: Not just any pretty girls either. The spectacular uber-pretty girls who just know they're all that. No, I will not supplicate to you. No, I will not be your bitch boy just because you have a nice rack. And, for the last time, I will not buy you a fucking drink. The world has given you enough, and it's high time you started giving back. I'll take payments in the form of oral sex and/or you just shutting the fuck up about your highlights for 15 seconds. So, here's a big "Fuck You" to all the absurdly gorgeous women I've either nailed or tried to nail (and those ones I haven't attempted yet). Especially Leigh Ann from work the other night. (yeah Leigh Ann, why don't you just be cool to Mike, you big bitch!)
-I want to thank my readers for sending me these hate lists. I've had agreat time reading them, and, for all you with hate on your mind, send me a list (suxatlife@hotmail.com) and you might see yourself up here soon.
-NOTE: I take no responsibility for anything my readers say. Nor do I take responsibility if they speled wurds rong or used, in'corekt gramner?
To Our President, From the State of Connecticut
To President Bush,
-Hey Georgie, listen, we need to talk. The election is coming up and I know you are lagging in the northeast. It looks like Kerry will take most of the greater New York area, not to mention Massachusetts, Maine, Vermont and New Hampshire. I also know that you were born in Connecticut"like me.
-Here's the thing; we are both happy, right? I mean, you are the leader of what used to be the free world and I got laid a few days ago. There is no need to let the country know you are from Connecticut, ok? We don't want people to know that our state produced such an inept leader as yourself. I mean, let's face it, you're a pretty shitty president and Connecticut doesn't want that kind of publicity.
-We sort of have a reputation to uphold. Connecticut has always been a center of learning and progressiveness; we have Yale and Mark Twain and Louis' Lunch (the place where the hamburger was invented), so we don't really need you. And what's best is you don't need us either!
-You've got that whole Texas thing going for you. "Howdy, look at me. I'm from the United State of Texas"and I hate Mexicans! Yeehawww!" We get it, ok. You are just as embarrassed about being from Connecticut as we are. And this arrangement has worked out well for the past few years, so why change it now?
-It's like if you and a friend had really bad sex. I mean, you both were really, really bad. You are probably not going to tell your other friends about it, right? You don't want them to know that you suck in bed and she won't want to tell anyone either, because she sucked just as bad. This is like us.
-We just don't want to embarrass each other, because, let's face it, we both have some skeletons in the closet. Connecticut is investigating its Governor for misconduct, we have one mayor in jail for prostitution and Jim Morrison wrote a song about us because we locked him up. You started a war for no reason other than to get your friends some more money, you have the IQ of a 9-year-old, and you kick puppies for fun on weekends. Let's just keep all of this quiet as we go into the election season, ok?
-I hope we have reached a common precipice. You keep your mouth shut about being from Connecticut and so will we. You keep your mouth shut about going to Yale and we won't tell everyone that you were a C minus student there. You never mention that your great uncle still lives 15 miles from me and I won't egg his house on Halloween. I hope I have made myself clear. But, just in case I have used words that are too big for you, let me put it in language you may be more comfortable with"Y'all don't be telling nobody bout nothing bout where'n you was reared. An we won't be sayin nothing bout y'all bein born here neither. Y'all hear me, boy? Now, go fetch me some of your mother's fine sweet tea.
-On behalf of the Great State of Connecticut, Streeter Seidell
-Hey Georgie, listen, we need to talk. The election is coming up and I know you are lagging in the northeast. It looks like Kerry will take most of the greater New York area, not to mention Massachusetts, Maine, Vermont and New Hampshire. I also know that you were born in Connecticut"like me.
-Here's the thing; we are both happy, right? I mean, you are the leader of what used to be the free world and I got laid a few days ago. There is no need to let the country know you are from Connecticut, ok? We don't want people to know that our state produced such an inept leader as yourself. I mean, let's face it, you're a pretty shitty president and Connecticut doesn't want that kind of publicity.
-We sort of have a reputation to uphold. Connecticut has always been a center of learning and progressiveness; we have Yale and Mark Twain and Louis' Lunch (the place where the hamburger was invented), so we don't really need you. And what's best is you don't need us either!
-You've got that whole Texas thing going for you. "Howdy, look at me. I'm from the United State of Texas"and I hate Mexicans! Yeehawww!" We get it, ok. You are just as embarrassed about being from Connecticut as we are. And this arrangement has worked out well for the past few years, so why change it now?
-It's like if you and a friend had really bad sex. I mean, you both were really, really bad. You are probably not going to tell your other friends about it, right? You don't want them to know that you suck in bed and she won't want to tell anyone either, because she sucked just as bad. This is like us.
-We just don't want to embarrass each other, because, let's face it, we both have some skeletons in the closet. Connecticut is investigating its Governor for misconduct, we have one mayor in jail for prostitution and Jim Morrison wrote a song about us because we locked him up. You started a war for no reason other than to get your friends some more money, you have the IQ of a 9-year-old, and you kick puppies for fun on weekends. Let's just keep all of this quiet as we go into the election season, ok?
-I hope we have reached a common precipice. You keep your mouth shut about being from Connecticut and so will we. You keep your mouth shut about going to Yale and we won't tell everyone that you were a C minus student there. You never mention that your great uncle still lives 15 miles from me and I won't egg his house on Halloween. I hope I have made myself clear. But, just in case I have used words that are too big for you, let me put it in language you may be more comfortable with"Y'all don't be telling nobody bout nothing bout where'n you was reared. An we won't be sayin nothing bout y'all bein born here neither. Y'all hear me, boy? Now, go fetch me some of your mother's fine sweet tea.
-On behalf of the Great State of Connecticut, Streeter Seidell
Hey You! Welcome to the Single Life
-Hey you there! Yes, that's right, you! Do you have a minute? Great, because I want to let you in on a little secret I call the single life. Have you heard of it? NO! Well, let me tell you then!
-For the low, low price of free, you can join now and live the life you have always wanted to. Reheated tacos, watching TV all day and even breaking wind whenever you want are all features of this popular lifestyle. Do you want to scratch yourself? Go ahead! Who's going to stop you? No one is! Don't want to clean the toilet or wash your sheets? Live in your own filth as long as you like because who will know when you are single?
-Have you ever had this problem; you really want to watch porn but your boy/girlfriend doesn't want you to? Forget about it, it will never happen again when you sign up for the single life. How about this one; you really want to go to bed but your sexual partner wants to talk about your relationship. Never again! The single life is all about freedom"your freedom.
-Be as dirty, smelly, disgusting and offensive as you want. That's the beauty of this lifestyle. Personally, I found so much happiness when I made the switch (got dumped) to the single life. To begin, I started eating whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. If I feel like eating Fruity Pebbles at 2 AM, then goddamnit, I will have some Fruity Pebbles. If I want to spoon mayonnaise from the jar right into my mouth with out a pesky sandwich getting in the way, then, open wide, because the mayo express is right on time!
-Another lifestyle change that came with my decision to be single was my inability to clean anything in my apartment. Why should I clean? No one is here now. No one will be here later. You can actually track my eating habits from the piles of garbage on my floor. For instance, if you took a cross-section of this filth, you would find that about three weeks ago I was really into potato chips. However, more recently, as one can see from the thin layer of cheese above the taco sauce, I have been into quesadillas.
-You too can live this fantasy life. I look out at all of you and do you know what I see? I see potential. Don't be like my roommate- always doing cute things with his girlfriend, cooking together, sharing quality time with each other, making love"Be like me instead- sitting in my room farting and laughing to myself, eating whole bricks of cheese, listening to Stacey Orico when no one is around, not cleaning myself on a regular basis. It is all the things you think it is"The single life is for you.
-So, why not join me? What do you have to lose"companionship, sex on a regular basis, love? I've had all these things before and I can tell you that you'll be much happier without them. Have you ever tried not changing your underwear for three weeks? You'll love it!
-Of course, you will be tempted to abandon the single life from time to time. All I can say is stay strong. Have faith in this lifestyle. Do you really want to start brushing your teeth again? Do you really want to have to spend money on someone else? Do you really want to have to remember such trivial things as birthdays and anniversaries? Do you really want to NOT eat ice cream straight from the carton with a spoon? And finally, do you really want to abandon me? C'mon, I need you guys"all my other friends have girlfriends to hang out with and I have no one to watch South Park in my underwear with. A vote for the single life is a vote for happiness. And a vote for happiness is a vote for Jesus. And you don't want to piss him off, do you? I didn't think so.
-For the low, low price of free, you can join now and live the life you have always wanted to. Reheated tacos, watching TV all day and even breaking wind whenever you want are all features of this popular lifestyle. Do you want to scratch yourself? Go ahead! Who's going to stop you? No one is! Don't want to clean the toilet or wash your sheets? Live in your own filth as long as you like because who will know when you are single?
-Have you ever had this problem; you really want to watch porn but your boy/girlfriend doesn't want you to? Forget about it, it will never happen again when you sign up for the single life. How about this one; you really want to go to bed but your sexual partner wants to talk about your relationship. Never again! The single life is all about freedom"your freedom.
-Be as dirty, smelly, disgusting and offensive as you want. That's the beauty of this lifestyle. Personally, I found so much happiness when I made the switch (got dumped) to the single life. To begin, I started eating whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. If I feel like eating Fruity Pebbles at 2 AM, then goddamnit, I will have some Fruity Pebbles. If I want to spoon mayonnaise from the jar right into my mouth with out a pesky sandwich getting in the way, then, open wide, because the mayo express is right on time!
-Another lifestyle change that came with my decision to be single was my inability to clean anything in my apartment. Why should I clean? No one is here now. No one will be here later. You can actually track my eating habits from the piles of garbage on my floor. For instance, if you took a cross-section of this filth, you would find that about three weeks ago I was really into potato chips. However, more recently, as one can see from the thin layer of cheese above the taco sauce, I have been into quesadillas.
-You too can live this fantasy life. I look out at all of you and do you know what I see? I see potential. Don't be like my roommate- always doing cute things with his girlfriend, cooking together, sharing quality time with each other, making love"Be like me instead- sitting in my room farting and laughing to myself, eating whole bricks of cheese, listening to Stacey Orico when no one is around, not cleaning myself on a regular basis. It is all the things you think it is"The single life is for you.
-So, why not join me? What do you have to lose"companionship, sex on a regular basis, love? I've had all these things before and I can tell you that you'll be much happier without them. Have you ever tried not changing your underwear for three weeks? You'll love it!
-Of course, you will be tempted to abandon the single life from time to time. All I can say is stay strong. Have faith in this lifestyle. Do you really want to start brushing your teeth again? Do you really want to have to spend money on someone else? Do you really want to have to remember such trivial things as birthdays and anniversaries? Do you really want to NOT eat ice cream straight from the carton with a spoon? And finally, do you really want to abandon me? C'mon, I need you guys"all my other friends have girlfriends to hang out with and I have no one to watch South Park in my underwear with. A vote for the single life is a vote for happiness. And a vote for happiness is a vote for Jesus. And you don't want to piss him off, do you? I didn't think so.
People I Hate
There's so much love in the world"it's time to get rid of it. Why waste your time talking about how much you love everything when there is so much good stuff to hate? This world was no built by people hugging each other, was it? Well, I don't know, but hate certainly gets better results than love. So, I submit to you, my loyal 5 readers, a short list of people I hate. (if you want to send me one of your own hate lists, please do: email suxatlife@hotmail.com)
1.The Curious Classmate: Picture this; you're sitting in class with two minutes to go. You're antsy. You tap your feet and drum your fingers. You watch the clock as it slowly ticks off the last 120 seconds of class. Then your professor utters those dreadful words, "Does anyone have any questions?" And that is when The Curious Classmate lets fly. Basically, this kid will waste everyone's time by asking question after question until class is running ten minutes over time. Hey asshole, the class was not designed for you alone. This is not a personal Q&A session for your stupid ass. If you have a goddamned question, do what normal people do; ask the professor after class shithead. Don't waste my time just because you're too stupid to comprehend what our teacher is saying, you stupid shit"I hate you.
2.The Tough Guy: I used to be a bouncer and I hated it. By the design of the job, you have to be a dick to everyone, sadly. Now, being a dick for money is almost OK, but just being a dick is not cool at all. You know who you are, Mr. Tough Guy. This guy will get in everyone's face at a party or bar just because he has something to prove. He'll push you out of the way at the keg, scream really loud to his friends across the room, try to hit on your girlfriend, etc"Hey buddy, what do you have to prove? Do you have some small penis issues you need to get out of the way? I bet you drive a really big truck, don't you? I should hand you a vicious beating, you dumb asshole"I hate you.
3.Shy Pierced Girls: What's that Melissa? You have pierced nipples? Can I see them? What do you mean, "no"? This is a big pet peeve of mine; girls that have nipple rings that wont show them to you. Of course, you go out and tell everyone about them and how cool they are, but when I ask to see them, you get all offended. What's wrong with you? Why would you drive metal spikes through your mammeries if you're not willing to share them with the world? I have a tattoo. Do you want to see it? You see, I'm not going to hide the ways in which I have mutilated my body from you, so why should you hide them from me? It's the same thing as when someone says to you, "I know someone who likes you." But then won't tell you who it is. It's just mean. Take that shirt off and let me stare at those spiky nips, you bitch".I hate you.
4.Dream Weavers: "Oh my god, dude, I had the weirdest dream last night." Really? I don't give a shit! Why do people feel that I want to hear about their stupid dreams? I mean, all a dream consists of is your brain's syntax sending random images to your eyes"or some shit like that. Therefore, dreams have absolutely no meaning and, furthermore, I do not wish to hear about how, "my aunt was this, like, spider thing, but it was really James Earl Jones even though it looked like my aunt and then the spider thing was, like, living in my friend's bedroom but it was really my bedroom and"" SHUT UP! I DON'T CARE! Unless you are a young lady and your dream involves some kind of sex + me scenario, I don't want to hear about it"I hate you.
5."I'm Rick James Bitch": Oh god, can we give it a rest yet? Yes, Dave Chapelle is one seriously funny man and, yes, he has created some memorable phrases on his show. But these were not intended for big, white frat guys to scream at each other in bars. Do you realize that you sound absolutely nothing like Dave Chapelle when you say that? Sure, I said it for a little bit, but then I realized what a shit I sounded like, so I stopped and my life has been infinitely better since. One of my professor's was on Chapelle's Show the other night in the "I Know Black People" skit. Even he says it is getting annoying. You are not a black comedian with his own show. You do not look like Dave Chapelle. You do not sound like Dave Chapelle. No, you are not Rick James, bitch. You are Todd Hamilton from Fortune, Nebraska. Deal with it"I hate you.
(remember, send me a hate list so I can compile a second edition of this article at suxatlife@hotmail.com)
1.The Curious Classmate: Picture this; you're sitting in class with two minutes to go. You're antsy. You tap your feet and drum your fingers. You watch the clock as it slowly ticks off the last 120 seconds of class. Then your professor utters those dreadful words, "Does anyone have any questions?" And that is when The Curious Classmate lets fly. Basically, this kid will waste everyone's time by asking question after question until class is running ten minutes over time. Hey asshole, the class was not designed for you alone. This is not a personal Q&A session for your stupid ass. If you have a goddamned question, do what normal people do; ask the professor after class shithead. Don't waste my time just because you're too stupid to comprehend what our teacher is saying, you stupid shit"I hate you.
2.The Tough Guy: I used to be a bouncer and I hated it. By the design of the job, you have to be a dick to everyone, sadly. Now, being a dick for money is almost OK, but just being a dick is not cool at all. You know who you are, Mr. Tough Guy. This guy will get in everyone's face at a party or bar just because he has something to prove. He'll push you out of the way at the keg, scream really loud to his friends across the room, try to hit on your girlfriend, etc"Hey buddy, what do you have to prove? Do you have some small penis issues you need to get out of the way? I bet you drive a really big truck, don't you? I should hand you a vicious beating, you dumb asshole"I hate you.
3.Shy Pierced Girls: What's that Melissa? You have pierced nipples? Can I see them? What do you mean, "no"? This is a big pet peeve of mine; girls that have nipple rings that wont show them to you. Of course, you go out and tell everyone about them and how cool they are, but when I ask to see them, you get all offended. What's wrong with you? Why would you drive metal spikes through your mammeries if you're not willing to share them with the world? I have a tattoo. Do you want to see it? You see, I'm not going to hide the ways in which I have mutilated my body from you, so why should you hide them from me? It's the same thing as when someone says to you, "I know someone who likes you." But then won't tell you who it is. It's just mean. Take that shirt off and let me stare at those spiky nips, you bitch".I hate you.
4.Dream Weavers: "Oh my god, dude, I had the weirdest dream last night." Really? I don't give a shit! Why do people feel that I want to hear about their stupid dreams? I mean, all a dream consists of is your brain's syntax sending random images to your eyes"or some shit like that. Therefore, dreams have absolutely no meaning and, furthermore, I do not wish to hear about how, "my aunt was this, like, spider thing, but it was really James Earl Jones even though it looked like my aunt and then the spider thing was, like, living in my friend's bedroom but it was really my bedroom and"" SHUT UP! I DON'T CARE! Unless you are a young lady and your dream involves some kind of sex + me scenario, I don't want to hear about it"I hate you.
5."I'm Rick James Bitch": Oh god, can we give it a rest yet? Yes, Dave Chapelle is one seriously funny man and, yes, he has created some memorable phrases on his show. But these were not intended for big, white frat guys to scream at each other in bars. Do you realize that you sound absolutely nothing like Dave Chapelle when you say that? Sure, I said it for a little bit, but then I realized what a shit I sounded like, so I stopped and my life has been infinitely better since. One of my professor's was on Chapelle's Show the other night in the "I Know Black People" skit. Even he says it is getting annoying. You are not a black comedian with his own show. You do not look like Dave Chapelle. You do not sound like Dave Chapelle. No, you are not Rick James, bitch. You are Todd Hamilton from Fortune, Nebraska. Deal with it"I hate you.
(remember, send me a hate list so I can compile a second edition of this article at suxatlife@hotmail.com)
Shannon- my first subscriber
My day was going bad, it was.
I burned my tit (spilled coffee) because
I blew my muffler on the interstate
And at home, I have no one with whom to fornicate.
As I walked through my door, just a minute ago
I sat in my computer chair, riding low.
I clicked on a button to open my inbox
And saw your name to my great shock.
Shannon (last name omitted), it did say
It was the best news that I had heard all day.
My mind a'spining with possibility
Because she wanted to subscribe to my column, you see.
Oh, Shannon, you know not how I feel
The joy, the pleasure, it is surreal.
You've made my day, it is true
And all this poem is for you.
Whenever I am sober enough
I promise to send you all my new stuff.
This elation, this happiness, I wish you all could feel it
When someone likes to read your bullshit.
And so I say, to you my dear
It is from you, I wish to hear.
And when you write, please attach to it
Some wholesome, classy naked pics. (just kidding, unless of course, you want to)
Note: not all of my subscribers will receive there own poem.
Another Note: I recently found out that Shannon is a guy, much to my great dismay. Oh well, I'm open to new things I guess
I burned my tit (spilled coffee) because
I blew my muffler on the interstate
And at home, I have no one with whom to fornicate.
As I walked through my door, just a minute ago
I sat in my computer chair, riding low.
I clicked on a button to open my inbox
And saw your name to my great shock.
Shannon (last name omitted), it did say
It was the best news that I had heard all day.
My mind a'spining with possibility
Because she wanted to subscribe to my column, you see.
Oh, Shannon, you know not how I feel
The joy, the pleasure, it is surreal.
You've made my day, it is true
And all this poem is for you.
Whenever I am sober enough
I promise to send you all my new stuff.
This elation, this happiness, I wish you all could feel it
When someone likes to read your bullshit.
And so I say, to you my dear
It is from you, I wish to hear.
And when you write, please attach to it
Some wholesome, classy naked pics. (just kidding, unless of course, you want to)
Note: not all of my subscribers will receive there own poem.
Another Note: I recently found out that Shannon is a guy, much to my great dismay. Oh well, I'm open to new things I guess
To My Cartoon Animal Themed Boxers
Dear My Cartoon Animal Print Boxers,
-It is time for you to go. Now, don't get me wrong, I still like you guys. I mean, how could I not? We've been through so much together and you guys were always there for me. I mean, there was Annie and Julia and Diane, Katie, Sharon and Nora. Plus, you definitely helped me to get over the loss of my spider man tighty whities, but the time has come to let you guys go too.
-Let me explain. You guys mostly came from my girlfriends. It seems that when Christmas and my birthday rolled around they could not think of what to get so they thought, "I'll just buy him some animal print boxers!" But now I have about 20 pairs of you guys and, well, I'm growing up. It's not that you're not comfortable or funny, it's just that I need to present a more professional image in the bedroom.
-When/if I am with a young lady and we become intimate, I need some kind of undergarment that shows my alpha male status. On countless occasions, the heat of passion has been cooled by the appearance of penguin-themed boxer shorts.
-"What are those?" she would say. Forced to explain myself, I would revert to a lie.
-"Oh, these"it's laundry day and these were all I had." I would grimace. If only she had known the awful truth, she could have opened my underwear drawer and found dozens of cartoon prints and patterns just like the penguins: Monkeys on skis, birds swimming, foxes riding horses, ducks driving in cars, the list goes on.
-What kind of image do you guys present in the bedroom? Is it one of confidence? No. Is it one that says "I'm going to give you the best night of your life"? NO. Is it one that says, "I can go potty all by myself"? NOOOO! It is time for you to go! I'm sick of looking like a pre-pubescent child in the bedroom because of you guys. All you do is hide the raging man meat behind your cartoon tom foolery. The heat of that meat must be expressed outwardly by my underwear selection, and you are not cutting it anymore.
-Who will replace you? Well, there are so many choices out there (bikini cut, thongs, plain boxers, cardboard box"), but I have decided that boxer-briefs is the road I will be heading down. Of course, they will be one solid color and completely devoid of cartoon animal printing. Sure, you guys were expensive and mostly came from J. Crew and The Gap, but no matter how much you cost, I can't have you around anymore.
-Yeah, it's sad to see you guys go, but there is a whole new generation of kids out there that need you; 8th grade boys getting their first awkward hand job, 13 year-olds with no bathing suit, and young girls looking for a birthday present for their new boyfriend. As for you guys specifically, you will be going to Goodwill and will get years more use on some homeless guy. Only, he will wear you on the outside of his pants.
-I hope you understand that I still want to be friends, I just can't wear you anymore. I'll miss you, my cartoon animal themed friends.
Streeter
-It is time for you to go. Now, don't get me wrong, I still like you guys. I mean, how could I not? We've been through so much together and you guys were always there for me. I mean, there was Annie and Julia and Diane, Katie, Sharon and Nora. Plus, you definitely helped me to get over the loss of my spider man tighty whities, but the time has come to let you guys go too.
-Let me explain. You guys mostly came from my girlfriends. It seems that when Christmas and my birthday rolled around they could not think of what to get so they thought, "I'll just buy him some animal print boxers!" But now I have about 20 pairs of you guys and, well, I'm growing up. It's not that you're not comfortable or funny, it's just that I need to present a more professional image in the bedroom.
-When/if I am with a young lady and we become intimate, I need some kind of undergarment that shows my alpha male status. On countless occasions, the heat of passion has been cooled by the appearance of penguin-themed boxer shorts.
-"What are those?" she would say. Forced to explain myself, I would revert to a lie.
-"Oh, these"it's laundry day and these were all I had." I would grimace. If only she had known the awful truth, she could have opened my underwear drawer and found dozens of cartoon prints and patterns just like the penguins: Monkeys on skis, birds swimming, foxes riding horses, ducks driving in cars, the list goes on.
-What kind of image do you guys present in the bedroom? Is it one of confidence? No. Is it one that says "I'm going to give you the best night of your life"? NO. Is it one that says, "I can go potty all by myself"? NOOOO! It is time for you to go! I'm sick of looking like a pre-pubescent child in the bedroom because of you guys. All you do is hide the raging man meat behind your cartoon tom foolery. The heat of that meat must be expressed outwardly by my underwear selection, and you are not cutting it anymore.
-Who will replace you? Well, there are so many choices out there (bikini cut, thongs, plain boxers, cardboard box"), but I have decided that boxer-briefs is the road I will be heading down. Of course, they will be one solid color and completely devoid of cartoon animal printing. Sure, you guys were expensive and mostly came from J. Crew and The Gap, but no matter how much you cost, I can't have you around anymore.
-Yeah, it's sad to see you guys go, but there is a whole new generation of kids out there that need you; 8th grade boys getting their first awkward hand job, 13 year-olds with no bathing suit, and young girls looking for a birthday present for their new boyfriend. As for you guys specifically, you will be going to Goodwill and will get years more use on some homeless guy. Only, he will wear you on the outside of his pants.
-I hope you understand that I still want to be friends, I just can't wear you anymore. I'll miss you, my cartoon animal themed friends.
Streeter
A Letter To Black People
Dear Black People,
-I need to ask a favor. I'm white and, by definition, un-cool. You see, we white people are not inherently cool, we need to adapt the traits of other cultures much like an evolutionary animal. And, let's face it, you set the standard for what is cool in this country and we (white people) need to follow that standard if we want to achieve any semblance of hipness. I liken the relationship between black people and white people in this country to chicken.
-There are two types of meat in a chicken: white meat (white people) and dark meat (black people). The dark meat has its own flavor. It is rich with taste and texture"just like black people. The white meat has no inherent flavor of its own, but it can adopt any flavor it chooses"just like white people. Thrown on a sprinkle of FUBU, a dash of hip hop, and a pinch"just a pinch of slang and your white meat could be tasting like dark meat in no time. The only difference would be the color. And just like with white and black people, the dark meat's flavor is already there so it takes no time to aquire. The dark, adopted flavor of the white meat will take longer to marinate, which explains why you still see white people wearing overalls with one strap undone like it's 1991.
-So, with this in mind, black people please slow it down. I am getting confused. Is "Hey Ya" by Outkast still cool? I don't know whether to shake it like a poloroid picture or brush my shoulder off? Can I still pop my collar? I don't know what's fly or what's phat. And I cannot for the life or me tell if that biotch is a chicken head or just a ho?
-How will I know if I'm trippin' or just straight clownin'? Is it still good to be bad? Is it still hurt if it's bad? Are my dubs dope or chunky? Should my whip be low ridin' or chromed out? When I adorn my dome piece should it be with Ice or Bling? If I go to jail am I in the pen or the kit kat? If I'm just kickin' it in my crib, should I call up my dawgs or my hommies?
-When I'm having sex am I just ridin' this bitch or tearin that ass in half? And speaking of ass, is it better to have a pudunkadunk (sp) or a bangin' booty? Am I a honky or a craka? And, finally, is P. Diddy still cool? I mean, he has his own show and shit???
-As you can see, I am supremely confounded by all these new words and such. I know we have had a checkered past, but I'd like to think we can look past that. Let's live together in harmony after all these years. And, being that the root of all relationships is communication, we must establish a common vocabulary with each other. The way I see it, you are at least 6 months ahead of us in coolness. Can you possibly put a halt on all new words and mannerisms for that amount of time so we can catch up? Who knows, maybe then we can collaborate on new cool things. Hey, we can be cool too, we invented the rock and roll"oh wait, no we didn't. But we invented jazz"oh, nope, not that either. Well, there's always the blues"damn! Did we invent anything coo"dope?
-I need to ask a favor. I'm white and, by definition, un-cool. You see, we white people are not inherently cool, we need to adapt the traits of other cultures much like an evolutionary animal. And, let's face it, you set the standard for what is cool in this country and we (white people) need to follow that standard if we want to achieve any semblance of hipness. I liken the relationship between black people and white people in this country to chicken.
-There are two types of meat in a chicken: white meat (white people) and dark meat (black people). The dark meat has its own flavor. It is rich with taste and texture"just like black people. The white meat has no inherent flavor of its own, but it can adopt any flavor it chooses"just like white people. Thrown on a sprinkle of FUBU, a dash of hip hop, and a pinch"just a pinch of slang and your white meat could be tasting like dark meat in no time. The only difference would be the color. And just like with white and black people, the dark meat's flavor is already there so it takes no time to aquire. The dark, adopted flavor of the white meat will take longer to marinate, which explains why you still see white people wearing overalls with one strap undone like it's 1991.
-So, with this in mind, black people please slow it down. I am getting confused. Is "Hey Ya" by Outkast still cool? I don't know whether to shake it like a poloroid picture or brush my shoulder off? Can I still pop my collar? I don't know what's fly or what's phat. And I cannot for the life or me tell if that biotch is a chicken head or just a ho?
-How will I know if I'm trippin' or just straight clownin'? Is it still good to be bad? Is it still hurt if it's bad? Are my dubs dope or chunky? Should my whip be low ridin' or chromed out? When I adorn my dome piece should it be with Ice or Bling? If I go to jail am I in the pen or the kit kat? If I'm just kickin' it in my crib, should I call up my dawgs or my hommies?
-When I'm having sex am I just ridin' this bitch or tearin that ass in half? And speaking of ass, is it better to have a pudunkadunk (sp) or a bangin' booty? Am I a honky or a craka? And, finally, is P. Diddy still cool? I mean, he has his own show and shit???
-As you can see, I am supremely confounded by all these new words and such. I know we have had a checkered past, but I'd like to think we can look past that. Let's live together in harmony after all these years. And, being that the root of all relationships is communication, we must establish a common vocabulary with each other. The way I see it, you are at least 6 months ahead of us in coolness. Can you possibly put a halt on all new words and mannerisms for that amount of time so we can catch up? Who knows, maybe then we can collaborate on new cool things. Hey, we can be cool too, we invented the rock and roll"oh wait, no we didn't. But we invented jazz"oh, nope, not that either. Well, there's always the blues"damn! Did we invent anything coo"dope?
College Inventions
-The world hates you. Yes, that's right"you, the average American college student. To adults, you're not old enough to have anything important to say or do. To the young, you're nothing but their loser cousin who used to be good looking but went to college and got fat. To those of our own age who did not go to college, you're just a pampered rich kid with no work ethic. In a way, all of these people are correct. Think about it. What do you spend your days doing??? Drinking? Doing drugs? Playing video games? Trying to convince that girl from Psych that you didn't know you had the clap?
-However, while our detractors may have some good points, I believe we, the collegiate set, are responsible for some of the most creative and useful inventions in the history of the world. All of these entries will further prove my point that college kids are, by far, some of the most creative and intelligent beings on the planet. Here they are"the top ten. (Hey, if you have one you think should be on here, email me at suxatlife@hotmail.com with the subject line being "inventions")
-10. The Frat Paddle- Ranging from amusing to terrifying, the frat paddle is the one object that can strike fear and amazement into the hearts of pledges nationwide. This object, originally associated with S&M has been adopted by frats world wide as a symbol of (somewhat gay) male bonding. Consult any college movie ever made and the ominous frat paddle will appear usually with a catchy saying written on it. Because of the world wide fame the frat paddle has achieved, it has earned its number 10 spot on my list.
-9. The keg stand- Why just fill up your beer when you can drink straight from the keg upside-down? That's a question some bored college kids must have asked themselves 50 years ago and, thanks to them, we now have the keg stand. Defying gravitational law, the standee transcends the age old mantra "you cannot drink while on your head." A masterful mix of acrobatics, timing and breathing, the keg stand has conquered the world and can be seen appearing at house parties across the country.
-8. Streaking- Hmmmm, I wonder how I can see people naked without that whole awkward "relationship" thing. Ah HA! Streaking! It's like skinny dipping"but on land! This quasi-sport first began appearing on college campuses sometime around the sixties and has only grown since then. Always a carefree way to spend an evening, streaking combines the skill of a distance runner with the humor of balls flopping up and down.
-7. Mono- Or, to be more precise, mononucleosis. This excellent viral infection has taken the college world by storm. Almost certainly first witnessed at UConn in the early 40s, mono may have been around much longer undetected since its symptoms (tiredness, vomiting, sweatiness, felatio-related neck pain, etc") are normal for even healthy college kids to show. If your roommate were to sleep all day, vomit a few times, and bitch about how, even when he is awake, he is always tired, you would not think he has mono, you would think he is a normal college student. And since mono is spread through drunkenly hooking up with people you don't know, it is the official STD of Spring Break!
-6. Beer Pong/Beirut- Call it what you will, apply what rules you may, but no matter how you play the basic premise is still the same. This isn't your father's ping pong. When someone combined the two heavily competitive sports of table tennis and binge drinking, they invented beirut and college was never the same again. Every player has their own strategy, whether it is blowing on the ball before it is thrown, bouncing it to gauge its weight, or just having a girl flash your opponents, they are all good. Unlike other drinking games that make the loser drink, beirut "punishes" the winners by making them stay on the table for another round! What divine humor!
-5. Shot-gunning- Bored with the regular (pop, drink, crush) method of drinking canned beers, college kids needed to devise a quicker more efficient way to consume. Some genius worked out that if you pop a hole in the bottom of the beer while the top has not been opened yet, the beer will not erupt from it. The physics behind it are quite complicated but they basically work on the assumption of a high pressure, low pressure equilibrium disturbance based off of Marconi's principle of weight to sterilized pressure ratio".or, in other words, making the beer rush into your mouth very quickly. Best of all, you'll forget about how "great" that Keystone Light tastes because it will be gone and down your gullet before you even have time to think.
-4. The Gravity Bong- Stoners have always been known to have clever ideas (tie dye, religion, the bagel pizza, Easy Mac, etc"). But the gravity bong tops them all. They are easy to make and easy to use but, like shot-gunning a beer, they work on scientific principles. Why waste time lighting a relighting a bowl when you can just push down on a half soda bottle and inhale 30 cubic feet of smoke. One hit is all you need (so I'm told). Some have even been known to decorate the water with goldfish"how cultured is that!
-3. Cheating- Seriously, who can really pass college. There are so many distractions (sex) that one has a hard time concentrating on one's studies. That's why college kids sometime in the Middle Ages invented cheating. Sure, if you get caught you won't be coming back to school. But we college kids are always staying one step ahead on The Man. Cheating is by far one of the most efficient forms of study there is; it takes almost no time at all, it's fun, and, as long as no one finds out, it makes you look smart. And thanks to Texas Instruments and their TI-83 Plus calculator, cheating is almost a universal pastime now.
-2. Campus Activists- The people we all love to hate! Some (a very few) college students feel bad that they are getting a good education and decide to help others. What a joke! The campus activist is a rare breed of student no matter what PCU says. Most kids don't have to time to hand out flyers and speak into megaphones; there is too much TV to be watched and too much beer to be drunk. However, the few students who do "get involved" allow the rest of us almost constant amusement. Who really cares about Tibet? I know I don't. And I don't care if there's dolphin in my tuna, nukes in my backyard, or dead whales piled up along the highway. Only in a place so full of privilege and money could such outrageous and hilarious groups be fostered. Do you think the guy making $3.75 an hour at the pizza place cares about fucking dolphins? Grow up. If you really want to make a difference, you better make some money first. But don't stop being activists on campus"you're so amusing to listen to.
-1.The Philosophy Major- If you are not convinced that college kids are the absolute most intelligent beings on earth by now, you will be shortly. The philosophy major is one of the most creative and devious inventions ever, and it was all done by college kids. Tell me, what job does a philosophy major get after college? Can one apply to be a philosopher? Is there even such a thing as a philosopher nowadays? Sure, it was fine in ancient Greece to sit around and talk about things while eating grapes and fondling little boys, but those days are long gone. With the way the world moves today, you'd be lucky to get a glass of Merlot and an over-the-pants hand job from a Pilipino boy prostitute. Basically, the philosophy majors of the world have convinced everyone that they are studying this mystifying art of deep, meditative thinking and that, due to the mental nature of this, they will be very alert businessmen and lawyers. What they are actually doing is taking classes about thinking about bullshit like, "Where do we go when we die?", "What is right?" and, "but why?" By the time they have graduated, they have amassed four years worth of bullshit that they can spew out to any prospective employer. Not to knock any philosophy majors out there because, as a communications major, I know how great studying bullshit is, but you are the crowning glory of the collegiate set simply for your ingenuity in convincing people that your degree is somehow applicable to the real world. Congratulations, you are the number one college invention!
-Remember, if you disagree with my rankings or inventions, email me at suxatlife@hotmail.com and rectify the situation.
-However, while our detractors may have some good points, I believe we, the collegiate set, are responsible for some of the most creative and useful inventions in the history of the world. All of these entries will further prove my point that college kids are, by far, some of the most creative and intelligent beings on the planet. Here they are"the top ten. (Hey, if you have one you think should be on here, email me at suxatlife@hotmail.com with the subject line being "inventions")
-10. The Frat Paddle- Ranging from amusing to terrifying, the frat paddle is the one object that can strike fear and amazement into the hearts of pledges nationwide. This object, originally associated with S&M has been adopted by frats world wide as a symbol of (somewhat gay) male bonding. Consult any college movie ever made and the ominous frat paddle will appear usually with a catchy saying written on it. Because of the world wide fame the frat paddle has achieved, it has earned its number 10 spot on my list.
-9. The keg stand- Why just fill up your beer when you can drink straight from the keg upside-down? That's a question some bored college kids must have asked themselves 50 years ago and, thanks to them, we now have the keg stand. Defying gravitational law, the standee transcends the age old mantra "you cannot drink while on your head." A masterful mix of acrobatics, timing and breathing, the keg stand has conquered the world and can be seen appearing at house parties across the country.
-8. Streaking- Hmmmm, I wonder how I can see people naked without that whole awkward "relationship" thing. Ah HA! Streaking! It's like skinny dipping"but on land! This quasi-sport first began appearing on college campuses sometime around the sixties and has only grown since then. Always a carefree way to spend an evening, streaking combines the skill of a distance runner with the humor of balls flopping up and down.
-7. Mono- Or, to be more precise, mononucleosis. This excellent viral infection has taken the college world by storm. Almost certainly first witnessed at UConn in the early 40s, mono may have been around much longer undetected since its symptoms (tiredness, vomiting, sweatiness, felatio-related neck pain, etc") are normal for even healthy college kids to show. If your roommate were to sleep all day, vomit a few times, and bitch about how, even when he is awake, he is always tired, you would not think he has mono, you would think he is a normal college student. And since mono is spread through drunkenly hooking up with people you don't know, it is the official STD of Spring Break!
-6. Beer Pong/Beirut- Call it what you will, apply what rules you may, but no matter how you play the basic premise is still the same. This isn't your father's ping pong. When someone combined the two heavily competitive sports of table tennis and binge drinking, they invented beirut and college was never the same again. Every player has their own strategy, whether it is blowing on the ball before it is thrown, bouncing it to gauge its weight, or just having a girl flash your opponents, they are all good. Unlike other drinking games that make the loser drink, beirut "punishes" the winners by making them stay on the table for another round! What divine humor!
-5. Shot-gunning- Bored with the regular (pop, drink, crush) method of drinking canned beers, college kids needed to devise a quicker more efficient way to consume. Some genius worked out that if you pop a hole in the bottom of the beer while the top has not been opened yet, the beer will not erupt from it. The physics behind it are quite complicated but they basically work on the assumption of a high pressure, low pressure equilibrium disturbance based off of Marconi's principle of weight to sterilized pressure ratio".or, in other words, making the beer rush into your mouth very quickly. Best of all, you'll forget about how "great" that Keystone Light tastes because it will be gone and down your gullet before you even have time to think.
-4. The Gravity Bong- Stoners have always been known to have clever ideas (tie dye, religion, the bagel pizza, Easy Mac, etc"). But the gravity bong tops them all. They are easy to make and easy to use but, like shot-gunning a beer, they work on scientific principles. Why waste time lighting a relighting a bowl when you can just push down on a half soda bottle and inhale 30 cubic feet of smoke. One hit is all you need (so I'm told). Some have even been known to decorate the water with goldfish"how cultured is that!
-3. Cheating- Seriously, who can really pass college. There are so many distractions (sex) that one has a hard time concentrating on one's studies. That's why college kids sometime in the Middle Ages invented cheating. Sure, if you get caught you won't be coming back to school. But we college kids are always staying one step ahead on The Man. Cheating is by far one of the most efficient forms of study there is; it takes almost no time at all, it's fun, and, as long as no one finds out, it makes you look smart. And thanks to Texas Instruments and their TI-83 Plus calculator, cheating is almost a universal pastime now.
-2. Campus Activists- The people we all love to hate! Some (a very few) college students feel bad that they are getting a good education and decide to help others. What a joke! The campus activist is a rare breed of student no matter what PCU says. Most kids don't have to time to hand out flyers and speak into megaphones; there is too much TV to be watched and too much beer to be drunk. However, the few students who do "get involved" allow the rest of us almost constant amusement. Who really cares about Tibet? I know I don't. And I don't care if there's dolphin in my tuna, nukes in my backyard, or dead whales piled up along the highway. Only in a place so full of privilege and money could such outrageous and hilarious groups be fostered. Do you think the guy making $3.75 an hour at the pizza place cares about fucking dolphins? Grow up. If you really want to make a difference, you better make some money first. But don't stop being activists on campus"you're so amusing to listen to.
-1.The Philosophy Major- If you are not convinced that college kids are the absolute most intelligent beings on earth by now, you will be shortly. The philosophy major is one of the most creative and devious inventions ever, and it was all done by college kids. Tell me, what job does a philosophy major get after college? Can one apply to be a philosopher? Is there even such a thing as a philosopher nowadays? Sure, it was fine in ancient Greece to sit around and talk about things while eating grapes and fondling little boys, but those days are long gone. With the way the world moves today, you'd be lucky to get a glass of Merlot and an over-the-pants hand job from a Pilipino boy prostitute. Basically, the philosophy majors of the world have convinced everyone that they are studying this mystifying art of deep, meditative thinking and that, due to the mental nature of this, they will be very alert businessmen and lawyers. What they are actually doing is taking classes about thinking about bullshit like, "Where do we go when we die?", "What is right?" and, "but why?" By the time they have graduated, they have amassed four years worth of bullshit that they can spew out to any prospective employer. Not to knock any philosophy majors out there because, as a communications major, I know how great studying bullshit is, but you are the crowning glory of the collegiate set simply for your ingenuity in convincing people that your degree is somehow applicable to the real world. Congratulations, you are the number one college invention!
-Remember, if you disagree with my rankings or inventions, email me at suxatlife@hotmail.com and rectify the situation.
The Friend Zone Poem
I met her on a fine winter day
in the hallowed halls of education.
With a grace to her step, in my dreams she did play
as fixture of my masturbation.
As time went by, so the story goes,
things began to blossom.
But this budding love which I chose,
its death I was to hasten.
It could have been my friendly nature
that blew my chances quick.
Or it may have been her weak composure;
The thought of my naked body making her sick.
I knew not how deep this feeling ran
and if I did, I would have cried
She seemed to be my biggest fan
so, for a relationship, I tried and tried.
It might have been fate, karma or destiny
coming back to bite.
But this girl had got the best of me
and I knew something wasn't right.
It all seemed too good
for a guy like me.
So, after movies, drinks and food
I figured I would see.
As I leaned in for a kiss
underneath the moon, big and red
I saw her jump and heard her hiss
"What the hell are you doing?"she said.
"I want a kiss, I was thinking,
under this moon, big and red."
She looked at me as if I had been drinking
and this is what she said.
"How do I put this?
I don't know what to say.
I never thought you wanted to kiss
Because I thought that you were gay
I guess I was wrong
But that doesn't change the fact
That I don't want your dong
Coming anywhere near my snatch.
I just wanted a friend
And not a relationship.
Someone to love me till the end
But not to touch my tits.
Plus, I like your friend Matt
Do you think you could hook me up?
He's smart and sexy and not fat.
He's the guy I want to fuck.
I didn't want to hurt you
But that's the way it goes.
If I was on a desert island and you were there too
Then I guess"who knows?
This isn't how I
Wanted this amazing night to end.
But if it's a relationship you wanted (sigh)
I'll always be your friend."
It was not by choice I played my cards
The stupid way I did.
I suppose that it's just hard
For a funny, ugly kid.
So, for all of you with romance on your mind,
make sure it's plain and known,
that the worst fate you should find
is trapped here in the friend zone.
for Heather
in the hallowed halls of education.
With a grace to her step, in my dreams she did play
as fixture of my masturbation.
As time went by, so the story goes,
things began to blossom.
But this budding love which I chose,
its death I was to hasten.
It could have been my friendly nature
that blew my chances quick.
Or it may have been her weak composure;
The thought of my naked body making her sick.
I knew not how deep this feeling ran
and if I did, I would have cried
She seemed to be my biggest fan
so, for a relationship, I tried and tried.
It might have been fate, karma or destiny
coming back to bite.
But this girl had got the best of me
and I knew something wasn't right.
It all seemed too good
for a guy like me.
So, after movies, drinks and food
I figured I would see.
As I leaned in for a kiss
underneath the moon, big and red
I saw her jump and heard her hiss
"What the hell are you doing?"she said.
"I want a kiss, I was thinking,
under this moon, big and red."
She looked at me as if I had been drinking
and this is what she said.
"How do I put this?
I don't know what to say.
I never thought you wanted to kiss
Because I thought that you were gay
I guess I was wrong
But that doesn't change the fact
That I don't want your dong
Coming anywhere near my snatch.
I just wanted a friend
And not a relationship.
Someone to love me till the end
But not to touch my tits.
Plus, I like your friend Matt
Do you think you could hook me up?
He's smart and sexy and not fat.
He's the guy I want to fuck.
I didn't want to hurt you
But that's the way it goes.
If I was on a desert island and you were there too
Then I guess"who knows?
This isn't how I
Wanted this amazing night to end.
But if it's a relationship you wanted (sigh)
I'll always be your friend."
It was not by choice I played my cards
The stupid way I did.
I suppose that it's just hard
For a funny, ugly kid.
So, for all of you with romance on your mind,
make sure it's plain and known,
that the worst fate you should find
is trapped here in the friend zone.
for Heather
How to Seduce a Woman
-If you have read anything I have written in the past, you may now realize that I am not that smooth with women. I don't know what it is, I just don't really know how to act around them. I have a friend, who shall remain nameless except that his name starts with a T and rhymes with Tim. With one starry glance his eyes would scream to a woman, "Come hither, for I wish to violate you and play the braggart amongst my friends on the "morrow."(Yes, I think in a British accent, wanna fight about it??) He is now happy with a girlfriend, but I was always impressed by his ability to snare unsuspecting girls into his web of saliva. This was never for me for however. Lacking T(im)'s raw sex appeal, I have to rely on my wits.
-And now, as I write this, I must tell you all that I happen to be taken with a particular young lady. She is, I must say, quite a beauty and far beyond my range, but I am going to try anyway because, to be honest, I need someone to buy things for. So, here is my new plan for seduction. I think it is very good, and, best of all, you can use it yourself.
-1.Lay the Foundation: The first step is very simple; you must make yourself noticeable to her. Forget what you've learned from television, go with your instincts. Do you have an extra nipple? Show her! Can you fit your entire fist into your mouth? Do it! Do you have a funny nickname like dingle-berry or skid mark? Tell her how you got it! With this, you pique her interest in you and your talents. The stage is set for romance, now we need to find the actors!
-2. Choose Your Lie: No one will like you for who you are. It's a proven fact. "Gee Sally, tell you about me, really? Ok, well, I eat a lot of peanut butter and play X-Box in my underwear instead of going to class. Oh yeah, and one time I pissed on my roommates books in my sleep!" NO NO NO, this will not work. You must invent yourself for her. Try telling little white lies instead of big ones to start out. For example, you may tell her that your father owns %68 of Barcardi Rum. Or perhaps you might tell her that your Mom invented the bobble-head doll. Don't like those, try this; I have a nine inch penis. That one always works. Now, we are ready to get serious.
-3. The First Kiss: This is the most crucial step in any blossoming relationship. It will tell her if you are soft or sweet or a furious sexual beast. Set the mood by putting on some nice music. I happen to have had a lot of luck with hard hitting, underground gangsta rap. Next, make sure she is comfortable on that nice Coors Light inflatable chair you picked up on Spring Break. Maybe, if you're really feeling sexy, do some magic tricks. Nothing makes a lady moan like magic tricks. Finally, go for the gold Champ! Lay it on her thick. Girls like to see how far your tongue can explore her throat. Licking her face a little bit never hurts either!
-4. Going All The Way: You've come this far, why stop now? It's time to do the deed, and by that I mean a little thing we call procreation. Yes, it's a sin, but Jesus will forgive"he always does. Make sure you wear the proper protection. From my past experiences, when I refused to pay, I sustained injuries to my teeth, my shins, and my knuckles. I recommend a mouth guard, shin guards and knee pads. If you're not paying however, a simple and sexy goat intestine condom will be just fine. Because, lets face it, she may be cool now, but she may have been a crack whore in high school. Oh yeah, one more crucial thing; make sure to slap the ass a lot, they love that"trust me.
-I hope you have found my advice worthwhile. It's a surefire way to land that new girlfriend that your other girlfriend won't know about. Wish me luck, my friends, as I embark on that great and terrifying quest known to us as dating. (God, I hope she doesn't read this"that would be horrible"shit)
-And now, as I write this, I must tell you all that I happen to be taken with a particular young lady. She is, I must say, quite a beauty and far beyond my range, but I am going to try anyway because, to be honest, I need someone to buy things for. So, here is my new plan for seduction. I think it is very good, and, best of all, you can use it yourself.
-1.Lay the Foundation: The first step is very simple; you must make yourself noticeable to her. Forget what you've learned from television, go with your instincts. Do you have an extra nipple? Show her! Can you fit your entire fist into your mouth? Do it! Do you have a funny nickname like dingle-berry or skid mark? Tell her how you got it! With this, you pique her interest in you and your talents. The stage is set for romance, now we need to find the actors!
-2. Choose Your Lie: No one will like you for who you are. It's a proven fact. "Gee Sally, tell you about me, really? Ok, well, I eat a lot of peanut butter and play X-Box in my underwear instead of going to class. Oh yeah, and one time I pissed on my roommates books in my sleep!" NO NO NO, this will not work. You must invent yourself for her. Try telling little white lies instead of big ones to start out. For example, you may tell her that your father owns %68 of Barcardi Rum. Or perhaps you might tell her that your Mom invented the bobble-head doll. Don't like those, try this; I have a nine inch penis. That one always works. Now, we are ready to get serious.
-3. The First Kiss: This is the most crucial step in any blossoming relationship. It will tell her if you are soft or sweet or a furious sexual beast. Set the mood by putting on some nice music. I happen to have had a lot of luck with hard hitting, underground gangsta rap. Next, make sure she is comfortable on that nice Coors Light inflatable chair you picked up on Spring Break. Maybe, if you're really feeling sexy, do some magic tricks. Nothing makes a lady moan like magic tricks. Finally, go for the gold Champ! Lay it on her thick. Girls like to see how far your tongue can explore her throat. Licking her face a little bit never hurts either!
-4. Going All The Way: You've come this far, why stop now? It's time to do the deed, and by that I mean a little thing we call procreation. Yes, it's a sin, but Jesus will forgive"he always does. Make sure you wear the proper protection. From my past experiences, when I refused to pay, I sustained injuries to my teeth, my shins, and my knuckles. I recommend a mouth guard, shin guards and knee pads. If you're not paying however, a simple and sexy goat intestine condom will be just fine. Because, lets face it, she may be cool now, but she may have been a crack whore in high school. Oh yeah, one more crucial thing; make sure to slap the ass a lot, they love that"trust me.
-I hope you have found my advice worthwhile. It's a surefire way to land that new girlfriend that your other girlfriend won't know about. Wish me luck, my friends, as I embark on that great and terrifying quest known to us as dating. (God, I hope she doesn't read this"that would be horrible"shit)
The New Girlfriend Application
-Hey, how are you doing? Really? Oh my God"I know. Yeah, she's a total slut. Yeah, she gave it to me too. Well, how was I supposed to know she was your sister? Anyways, that's not why I called; I'm actually looking for a girlfriend/sex partner. Do you know anyone? No way man, she wets the bed. Good idea, man"I will make a questionnaire!
-I suppose I should let all you ladies"let me repeat that"LADIES, out there know a little bit about myself before we begin the questionnaire. I am 21 years old, in reasonable health, 6'1", 220Lbs, brown hair, brown eyes, blah blah blah. OK, that's about it for me, now comes your part. It's real simple, just fill out the questionnaire and send it into suxatlife@hotmail.com. If I like the way you respond you'll have a chance to advance to the lighting round, in which you could win a Sony VCD recorder or, if you're really special, a phone call from me (but you have to pay for it).
So, let the questions begin:
-First, some general Questions: Name, Age (must be 18 or older), year of expected graduation.
-1.Would you be intimidated if I had bigger breasts than you?
-2.How much money would say you would be willing to spend on me?
-3.If I showed up at your house with a jar of Vaseline, a live duck, and Polaroid camera, what would you think?
a.Of course, Ill put that duck in your ass and take a picture
b.What a strange way to cook me dinner
c.God, I hope he sticks that greasy duck in my ass and takes a picture
-4.Could your Dad beat me up? (please keep in mind that I used to wrestle in 1997)
-5.If you were my girlfriend, would you object to me eating food off your back if we were doing it doggy style?
-6.WHY? You wouldn't even see me eating!
-7.Please, in 200 words or less, describe your perfect guy.
-8.If you wrote something like, "A kinda lazy comedian who has a little weight problem" proceed to question #9.
-9.Do you have a problem with a guy that only has eight toes?
-10.If we were to become intimate and later you discovered a picture of yourself on the internet, naked, covered in tomato soup, what would you say?
-11.Would your answer be different if I said I would share some of the profits from my website, www.tomatosoupfucker.com?
-12.Complete this sentence: An acceptable penis length is ________ inches. (anything over 4 will be automatically disqualified)
-13.What celebrity do you think I look like most? (If you said that guy from My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiancé, then you can just go and fuck yourself)
-And finally"
-14.Your ideal man is"
a.smart
b.attractive, in shape
c.sensitive, caring, compassionate
d.none of the above
-If you picked "D" for the last question, then I think we would be great for each other. So, just email me at suxatlife@hotmail.com and we'll see where this magical adventure might lead! Hey, who knows, you might soon be appearing on the pages of www.tomatosoupfucker.com!
By Streeter Seidell
-I suppose I should let all you ladies"let me repeat that"LADIES, out there know a little bit about myself before we begin the questionnaire. I am 21 years old, in reasonable health, 6'1", 220Lbs, brown hair, brown eyes, blah blah blah. OK, that's about it for me, now comes your part. It's real simple, just fill out the questionnaire and send it into suxatlife@hotmail.com. If I like the way you respond you'll have a chance to advance to the lighting round, in which you could win a Sony VCD recorder or, if you're really special, a phone call from me (but you have to pay for it).
So, let the questions begin:
-First, some general Questions: Name, Age (must be 18 or older), year of expected graduation.
-1.Would you be intimidated if I had bigger breasts than you?
-2.How much money would say you would be willing to spend on me?
-3.If I showed up at your house with a jar of Vaseline, a live duck, and Polaroid camera, what would you think?
a.Of course, Ill put that duck in your ass and take a picture
b.What a strange way to cook me dinner
c.God, I hope he sticks that greasy duck in my ass and takes a picture
-4.Could your Dad beat me up? (please keep in mind that I used to wrestle in 1997)
-5.If you were my girlfriend, would you object to me eating food off your back if we were doing it doggy style?
-6.WHY? You wouldn't even see me eating!
-7.Please, in 200 words or less, describe your perfect guy.
-8.If you wrote something like, "A kinda lazy comedian who has a little weight problem" proceed to question #9.
-9.Do you have a problem with a guy that only has eight toes?
-10.If we were to become intimate and later you discovered a picture of yourself on the internet, naked, covered in tomato soup, what would you say?
-11.Would your answer be different if I said I would share some of the profits from my website, www.tomatosoupfucker.com?
-12.Complete this sentence: An acceptable penis length is ________ inches. (anything over 4 will be automatically disqualified)
-13.What celebrity do you think I look like most? (If you said that guy from My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiancé, then you can just go and fuck yourself)
-And finally"
-14.Your ideal man is"
a.smart
b.attractive, in shape
c.sensitive, caring, compassionate
d.none of the above
-If you picked "D" for the last question, then I think we would be great for each other. So, just email me at suxatlife@hotmail.com and we'll see where this magical adventure might lead! Hey, who knows, you might soon be appearing on the pages of www.tomatosoupfucker.com!
By Streeter Seidell
Sick and Tired of Being Atrractive?
-Do you know me? Maybe, but probably not. If you did however, you would know that I posses one of the finest beach physiques you have ever seen. You may be wondering, "Street, how did you get such lovely curves and hips like a woman?" Well, it was easy and if you follow my simple plan, you too can have what I like to call the "Streeter Seidell Total Body Transformation."
-Now, spring break is upon us and I bet you wish you had a little better body when you hit that beach last week. I know I used to feel like that. I would think, "Man, I could be fucking way more people if only I could fill out a little bit." Well my friends, I have filled out, and in a big way. I went from a tiny 190 pounds to a healthy 222 pounds in just one short year. Yes folks, with my regimented diet and exercise plan you'll stroll confidently onto the beach next year comfortable with your new "Streeter Seidell" body. Hey, love handles are called that for a reason, because they make people love you and your body.
-The first step is diet. This is very important because it shapes the course for our whole plan. Now, as we all know, red meat is good for you and should be the main staple of our diet. However, is there a limit to how much red meat you should consume in one sitting or period of time? NO! That's the beauty of my diet, no limits. Eat as much as you want whenever you want. Yet, we must remember to include a wide range of foods to keep us all happy. Anything delivered (pizza, Chinese, heroes, drugs, etc") is fine so long as nothing green appears with it. We have a little saying here, "Vegetables are for faggots," this helps us remember "problem" foods such as carrots, alvacado, and broccoli. However, if you simply cant live without vegetables, you can cover them in cheese, butter, or mayonnaise.
-I have people come up to me all the time and ask, "Hey Street, how can I get such supple hips?" The trick to what I like to call the "Mormon Man Hip" is no bending. Crafting fine love handles and hips that look like you could pop out 45 full-grown buffalo in a single sitting isn't easy; it's mindless. We all know that side bends and sit-ups are the key to creating an ugly, toned midriff, so we like to avoid that as much as possible. Any act of bending and contorting in these manners should be avoided like a kid from Malibu avoids Compton. However, these bends are hidden in our everyday routines and we barley notice them. Tying shoes, flushing the toilet, and getting out of bed all contain the very same motions used in sit ups and the like. Avoid tying your shoes by tying them once when you first purchase them. This way all you have to do is slip them on and off. Don't flush the toilet anymore as it puts strain on the lower back. Instead, let your roommate do it for you. And finally, do not, under any circumstances, get out of bed the traditional way. Simply slide your way onto the floor and sing that quiznos song ( you know the one with the little rat things) until someone picks you up.
-To mold (notice I say mold instead of sculpt because you don't sculpt Jell-O) those perfect man-tits you've always wanted you actually need to do some work. I call this the Drew Carey method because he pioneered this particular technique. First, eat a lot and have bad posture. This is the foundation for a nice pair of juicy he-blimps. Next, you have to do way more bench-pressing than you should for 3 months and then abruptly stop and let all that new muscle turn to fat. This, if done correctly, should produce a set of Mr. milk-bags that would make Jessica Simpson stare.
-Many of my fans want to know how to get that perfect gut. Well, my friends, this truly is an art. First, you have to determine what classification of gut you want. There are three options: 1. the NASCAR 2. the Goodfella 3. the F.U.P.A. The NASCAR is the traditionally favored gut among southerners and NASCAR (white trash) fans all over the country. It starts with a healthy amount of Coors Original. The Coors is only the base however, a strict regiment of venison, cheap steak, road kill, and any kind of jerky is the finishing touch. Now, to craft the perfect Goodfella, a steady diet of Italian food and red wine is required. This style looks striking when accompanied by a wife-beater a few sizes to small. The F.U.P.A. is a particular anomaly since it can be worn by men and women. Traditionally, the F.U.P.A. (fat upper pussy area) has been a female innovation most seen worn by bus drivers and fat rich ladies at the bank. However, men can wear this style gut to with a slight modification (fat upper penis area). But, only truly huge men can accomplish this feat and if you think that you are ready to take on this task, I suggest a personal consultation and meeting with your truly.
-The final phase in the "STREETER SEIDELL TOTAL BODY TRANSFORMATION" is what I like to call the "chub rub" phase. The transformation is finally complete when your upper thighs rub together when you walk. This is very important in the overall scheme of the program for only then will you see the results of my plan. Nothing can showcase the enormous results of my plan like that dull ache and burn as your two sweaty-ass legs rub together and mutually agree to fillet the skin from each other. That burn, that pain is what tells you my program is really working for you. Now you have it all, the diet, the hips, the gut, and the chub rub.
-So, next spring break, don't be embarrassed when you stroll out on the beach. Invest in the "STREETER SEIDELL TOTAL BODY TRANSFORMATION" and turn your whole life around. Never again hear this, "Hey, you look great, have you been working out?" Never have to fend off throngs of attractive young women again. Don't worry about people wanting to talk to you in the bar or on the beach. From this day forth you can confidently say, "Yes! I have taken control and let my body grow to its full potential. Thanks Streeter." And always remember, mayonnaise is by no means just a condiment, it can be a whole meal. ( Hey Kids, if you think you have the best gut, send me a pic at suxatlife@hotmail.com and I'll write a review of the winner!)
-Now, spring break is upon us and I bet you wish you had a little better body when you hit that beach last week. I know I used to feel like that. I would think, "Man, I could be fucking way more people if only I could fill out a little bit." Well my friends, I have filled out, and in a big way. I went from a tiny 190 pounds to a healthy 222 pounds in just one short year. Yes folks, with my regimented diet and exercise plan you'll stroll confidently onto the beach next year comfortable with your new "Streeter Seidell" body. Hey, love handles are called that for a reason, because they make people love you and your body.
-The first step is diet. This is very important because it shapes the course for our whole plan. Now, as we all know, red meat is good for you and should be the main staple of our diet. However, is there a limit to how much red meat you should consume in one sitting or period of time? NO! That's the beauty of my diet, no limits. Eat as much as you want whenever you want. Yet, we must remember to include a wide range of foods to keep us all happy. Anything delivered (pizza, Chinese, heroes, drugs, etc") is fine so long as nothing green appears with it. We have a little saying here, "Vegetables are for faggots," this helps us remember "problem" foods such as carrots, alvacado, and broccoli. However, if you simply cant live without vegetables, you can cover them in cheese, butter, or mayonnaise.
-I have people come up to me all the time and ask, "Hey Street, how can I get such supple hips?" The trick to what I like to call the "Mormon Man Hip" is no bending. Crafting fine love handles and hips that look like you could pop out 45 full-grown buffalo in a single sitting isn't easy; it's mindless. We all know that side bends and sit-ups are the key to creating an ugly, toned midriff, so we like to avoid that as much as possible. Any act of bending and contorting in these manners should be avoided like a kid from Malibu avoids Compton. However, these bends are hidden in our everyday routines and we barley notice them. Tying shoes, flushing the toilet, and getting out of bed all contain the very same motions used in sit ups and the like. Avoid tying your shoes by tying them once when you first purchase them. This way all you have to do is slip them on and off. Don't flush the toilet anymore as it puts strain on the lower back. Instead, let your roommate do it for you. And finally, do not, under any circumstances, get out of bed the traditional way. Simply slide your way onto the floor and sing that quiznos song ( you know the one with the little rat things) until someone picks you up.
-To mold (notice I say mold instead of sculpt because you don't sculpt Jell-O) those perfect man-tits you've always wanted you actually need to do some work. I call this the Drew Carey method because he pioneered this particular technique. First, eat a lot and have bad posture. This is the foundation for a nice pair of juicy he-blimps. Next, you have to do way more bench-pressing than you should for 3 months and then abruptly stop and let all that new muscle turn to fat. This, if done correctly, should produce a set of Mr. milk-bags that would make Jessica Simpson stare.
-Many of my fans want to know how to get that perfect gut. Well, my friends, this truly is an art. First, you have to determine what classification of gut you want. There are three options: 1. the NASCAR 2. the Goodfella 3. the F.U.P.A. The NASCAR is the traditionally favored gut among southerners and NASCAR (white trash) fans all over the country. It starts with a healthy amount of Coors Original. The Coors is only the base however, a strict regiment of venison, cheap steak, road kill, and any kind of jerky is the finishing touch. Now, to craft the perfect Goodfella, a steady diet of Italian food and red wine is required. This style looks striking when accompanied by a wife-beater a few sizes to small. The F.U.P.A. is a particular anomaly since it can be worn by men and women. Traditionally, the F.U.P.A. (fat upper pussy area) has been a female innovation most seen worn by bus drivers and fat rich ladies at the bank. However, men can wear this style gut to with a slight modification (fat upper penis area). But, only truly huge men can accomplish this feat and if you think that you are ready to take on this task, I suggest a personal consultation and meeting with your truly.
-The final phase in the "STREETER SEIDELL TOTAL BODY TRANSFORMATION" is what I like to call the "chub rub" phase. The transformation is finally complete when your upper thighs rub together when you walk. This is very important in the overall scheme of the program for only then will you see the results of my plan. Nothing can showcase the enormous results of my plan like that dull ache and burn as your two sweaty-ass legs rub together and mutually agree to fillet the skin from each other. That burn, that pain is what tells you my program is really working for you. Now you have it all, the diet, the hips, the gut, and the chub rub.
-So, next spring break, don't be embarrassed when you stroll out on the beach. Invest in the "STREETER SEIDELL TOTAL BODY TRANSFORMATION" and turn your whole life around. Never again hear this, "Hey, you look great, have you been working out?" Never have to fend off throngs of attractive young women again. Don't worry about people wanting to talk to you in the bar or on the beach. From this day forth you can confidently say, "Yes! I have taken control and let my body grow to its full potential. Thanks Streeter." And always remember, mayonnaise is by no means just a condiment, it can be a whole meal. ( Hey Kids, if you think you have the best gut, send me a pic at suxatlife@hotmail.com and I'll write a review of the winner!)
Streeter Seidell
Fordham
About Me
About Me
Streeter enjoys many things, not least of which is being your front page editor here at CollegeHumor. In fact, he likes it so much he decided to get paid for it and make it his career. He spends his days making sure you have enough updates and hotlinks to keep you from your work for at least two hours. Streeter also likes to write; not well, mind you, but frequently. Please, enjoy his archive.
Thanks for being my Internet friend.
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