Streeter Seidell's Article Archive
15 total in May 2004Promises To My Future Wife
-I do not know who you are yet, but I know that I will love you. And when we get married, we must work to make our marriage work. It is from the bottom of my heart that I make these promises to thee.
-I promise"
-To always snore at night so as to create a regular, familiar pattern.
-To never tell the kids that Santa Claus is fake so that, on their first Christmas alone, they won't get anything and we can laugh at how stupid they are.
-To eat all of my meals in the nude so I don't mess up any of my clothes.
-To never question the paternity of our children unless Streeter Jr. looks a lot like the mailman.
-To never adopt a child without letting you know first.
-To always come home"maybe it won't be for a few nights, or weeks, but eventually I'll come home.
-To never ask you to do the housework. I will be straightforward in demanding that you do it or else"or else.
-That if I fart in bed, I will shove you under the covers and keep you down there to smell it because what is a marriage without sharing?
-That if you ever fart in bed I, will divorce you and sleep with your sister.
-To drive the kids to their soccer games every friday, provided the field is on the way to the bar.
-To not get a job so we can spend more time together.
-To never insult your parents by asking your Father if your Mother is as good in the sack as you are.
-To always scratch myself when I itch, unless I can't reach the spot"then I will have you do it for me.
-To sing to you every Saturday night when I come home from the bar and I"m drunk out on the lawn.
-To love our children almost as much as I love our dog.
-To remind you when you forget to perform felatio on me three times a week.
-To always comment on how much older and more dignified you look on each of your birthdays.
-To never celebrate our anniversary because everyday should be a celebration of our love.
-To kill any insect, rodent, or reptile that invades our home and threatens the safety of our children.
-To kill any cat that you bring into our home.
-To fix any leak, plunge any toilet, paint any wall, or mow any lawn unless I can pay someone else to do it.
-To warn you if I leave a particularly smelly mess in the bathroom.
-To wet myself as I get older because I know how much you love taking care of me.
-To turn off all the lights and shut all the blinds on Halloween so we don't get bothered by little annoying kids.
-To never fly to Europe on business without taking your credit cards for backup if my Sam's Club Super Saver card isn't accepted at the Ritz in London.
-To always remove my shoes when I come home so you can rub my feet.
-But most of all, I promise to love you and care for you"unless you start wetting yourself; then you're going to a nursing home. And if that happens, I promise"
-To visit you once a month and bring ginger snaps"for me, not you. If I gave them to you, you'd shit the bed because you're old and incontinent.
-Honey, these things I promise you. I love you.
Happy 50th Birthday "A Word From the Streets," and 50 more to come!
FacebookA Poem For My Toilet
I was sitting around the other day
Not knowing what do to
But then in my belly, I felt a swelly
And I began think of you.
How sad it is, these days it seems
that no one ever says thanks.
My toilet, my friend, my refuge till the end
My lovely bowl that stanks.
It is with great pride that I write to thee
And say these words so true.
For all the books that I've read, all the knowledge in my head
Was learned on top of you.
In this hectic world, where time flies past
Like speeding bullet trains.
I find solace and time on your lid so divine
In your bowl; tiger stripe stains.
You've civilized man, my porcelin friend.
But man is not likely to admit it.
He will say it was speaking or learning or reading,
But never where he shits.
Man is blind to the truth but I am different
than most, I must declare.
For I am but child, bewildered and wild
If you clog with feces or hair.
My heart is racing, my face is blushed
When you no longer agree to flush.
The water is rising so quick to the brim
All of my options now look very grim.
The plunger it seems is nowhere to be found
And slowly the water runs to the ground.
Thinking quick, I plunge in my hand
And remove the cursed, evil dam
And with a quick tug, the crisis averted
Over, it seems, as quick as it started.
You see, my toilet, you hold much power
With a clog of your pipes, the bravest will cower.
You may not be pretty like a rose or a diamond.
You may not have wings like a dove or a stork
But God only knows, and history shows
What happens when you fails to work
So next time you sit in the bathroom alone
Remember this poem and never forget.
Have not a doubt, you are nothing without
The can"the throne"the toilet.
Not knowing what do to
But then in my belly, I felt a swelly
And I began think of you.
How sad it is, these days it seems
that no one ever says thanks.
My toilet, my friend, my refuge till the end
My lovely bowl that stanks.
It is with great pride that I write to thee
And say these words so true.
For all the books that I've read, all the knowledge in my head
Was learned on top of you.
In this hectic world, where time flies past
Like speeding bullet trains.
I find solace and time on your lid so divine
In your bowl; tiger stripe stains.
You've civilized man, my porcelin friend.
But man is not likely to admit it.
He will say it was speaking or learning or reading,
But never where he shits.
Man is blind to the truth but I am different
than most, I must declare.
For I am but child, bewildered and wild
If you clog with feces or hair.
My heart is racing, my face is blushed
When you no longer agree to flush.
The water is rising so quick to the brim
All of my options now look very grim.
The plunger it seems is nowhere to be found
And slowly the water runs to the ground.
Thinking quick, I plunge in my hand
And remove the cursed, evil dam
And with a quick tug, the crisis averted
Over, it seems, as quick as it started.
You see, my toilet, you hold much power
With a clog of your pipes, the bravest will cower.
You may not be pretty like a rose or a diamond.
You may not have wings like a dove or a stork
But God only knows, and history shows
What happens when you fails to work
So next time you sit in the bathroom alone
Remember this poem and never forget.
Have not a doubt, you are nothing without
The can"the throne"the toilet.
People You Hate VIII and IX (special double edition)
-Hello again, my fellow haters. Well, you guys must be really pissed off or I'm just getting more popular because this week I have had an unprecedented amount of hate flowing my way and I couldn't be happier. Seeing as how I like to give everyone a chance to vent, I have decided to make this a double issue of the famous Hate List. Enjoy.
-Oh Yeah, I almost forgot. The next edition of the Hate List will be the 10th one and I want to do something special. One of my readers suggested a celebrity themed hate list, so why not. Send me some Celebrities you hate at suxatlife@hotmail.com. Now, on with the hate!
-MINE:
-Tan Man: If you traced my ancestry back through the years, you would find out that I am a mix of English, Irish and German blood. These cultures do not lend themselves to dark skin very nicely. In fact, when I get in the sun, I don't even burn"I just get instant blisters. Because of this, I have to work all summer to achieve some semblance of a tan. But not Tan Man. No"Tan Man already has a tan 2 months before summer because he went to the fake n' bake all spring. Listen up, you greasy shit, you shit on my parade every year and I'm sick of it! I can't compete with you no matter what I do, so Im discouraged from the get go. You're the kind of guy that would show up to a wheelchair race with a go-kart, you insensitive fuck"I Hate You!
-Smell This: "Hey dude"dude"C'mere. Dude! You gotta smell my ______!" No"No I don't. Why are you so amazed by the odors your body can produce? What is so great about your fart, or your shoe, or your finger that would make you think that I want to smell it? I'm sure your fart smells like shit, your shoe smells like feet and you finger"well, your finger is another story altogether. Why don't you do the world a favor and keep your rank body to yourself, you smelly ass"I hate You!
-W.W.J.D.: What would Jesus Do??? I don't have a fucking clue. This is one of the most useless phrases of all time and damned be all who further it through bumper stickers, bracelets, and tee-shirts. Ok, maybe if you were tempted by the devil on a mountaintop, you could ask yourself this ridiculous question. But for all intensive purposes, it's completely erroneous (5 point SAT word). What would Jesus do if his porn wasn't downloading fast enough? What would Jesus do if he farted in class? What would Jesus do if he ran over a kid? What would Jesus do if"I Hate You!
-The Scientist: This time of year, I begin to sweat. At first, it's just a wet brow"then some wet hair"and before you know it, my entire body is expelling liquid like it's the Hoover dam. So when I complain about how the heat makes me sweat so much, my best friend The Weather Man always has to say, "It's not the heat, it's the humidity." The only thing is, he waits, like he's announcing the winning raffle number. So it really sounds something like this, "It's not the heat"(wait for it)"it's the HUMIDITY!" Oh my God, I'm so proud that you passed seventh grade science and can regale me with information about the water density in the air, you big fucking douche. Next time you say this to me, I'm going to wipe my sweaty hair all over your face, dickhead"I Hate You!
-YOURS:
-Reader Shannon R. (see "To Shannon" issue) really hates"the "Ummmm Girl." The girl in my pop culture class that says "ummm" every third word. Not only that, but she's one of these people that takes longer to answer a sentence than it should. On top of that, this shoveoff talks about crap no one cares about. "Ummm, well, it's all, ummm, subjective, in an.... ummmm..... media consumed.... ummm.. culture. it's like, ummm... we're all these..... ummm, mice in a maze" Ummmm... I HATE YOU.
-Reader Krystle B. really hates: I hate the Pity friend who can't take a hint. We all have one or two, the 'friend' that you let chill with you because you feel bad for him or her. But its a sure thing that sooner or later that friggen haunt will get beyond annoying and you want nothing more than to rid yourself of this pathetic parasite. Even during the summer vacation this person STILL doesn't get it, look I don't talk to you for a reason, and when I say I'll brb and never come back...hmm I WONDER WHY??? NO you dumbass I didn't accidentally forget to IM you back I PURPOSLY DECIDED NOT TO. Why don't you go find new people to feel sorry for you and Leave me alone..... I HATE YOU!
-Reader Brian T. really hates: Mr. 40 Year Old College Student. Some people look at you and say, "How great that they are going back to get an education". I look at you and say, "Get the fuck out of my 8:30 am class you wrinkly old bastard". There is a reason for night classes; they are for rundown, good-for-nothing, mid-life crisis entering old fat farts. The men aren't as bad, they know they aren't SUPPOSED to be there, so they sit in the back and quietly earn their 2 decade late diploma. It's those fucking housewives that wake up one morning and think they can go to college now that the kids are out of the house and get a degree. TO DO WHAT YOU FAT CUNT?!?! By the time your idiot ass even EARNS a diploma, you'll be 50. That's 5 to 10 years away from retirement, or a job as a greeter at Walmart. You don't need a fucking degree to smile and say hi to people. So stop asking questions, stop sucking up to the professor that's 15 years younger than you, and get out of my class. Do you need to take English 275 to understand the words "I HATE YOU!"
-Reader Jon A. really hates: those loser guys who go to clubs with their top 3 buttons on their shirts not done up. Some even have the chest hair poking out that makes me want to punch them even harder. What are they going for here the "greasy guy from the 80's" look? I hate you, you fucking loser!
(Author's Note: Chest hair and gold chains are back Jon, get with it)
-Reader Jim P. really hates: all those fucking jackasses who think that they are funny when they quote Dave Chapelle's skit of Little Jon. Dear God, you people need to realize that you are not Little John Or Dave Chapelle and you are not funny, most of you aren't even black!!!!!! Go to hell you copyright infringement motherfuckers
(Author's Note: I was similarly troubled by such an incident, see "People I Hate", the first hate list)
-Reader Eric H. really hates: The 40 year old women who walk around campus with those damn backpacks on wheels. Are they really that lazy and weak that they cant just get a real backpack that actually goes on their backs and not some damn suitcase for their books. They walk slower than anyone else on campus and get in people's way all the time. Guess what? You're not going to be able to stow that carry-on anywhere on this campus. Get a bag like everybody else, you old, lazy hags"I Hate You!
-Reader Katie J. really hates: those fucking assholes that drive on the interstate in the passing lane while going below the speed limit OR just keeping pace with the person in the regular lane. IT'S CALLED THE PASSING LANE FOR A REASON!!!! I also hate that son of a bitch that weaves in and out of lanes with out using a turn signal - people like that should just die because they are probably going to end up the cause of my death. Assholes"I hate you both!
-Reader Rhino really hates: closet studiers: These are the people who claim to never attend class, don't buy any materials and never study. Just tell the truth. They act like they are too good to study and base their grades on the amount of time they studied, which is usually some bullshit amount of time immediately preceding a test. I think grades should be base on a ratio of time studied to your score; like 300 minutes divided by the score of 97% that's a 3.1 you failed..... but on the other hand, a 75 earned in 35 minutes of study time equals a 2.1 good job!! So fuck you, you little dishonest, "I never study" schoolboy or schoolgirl and get you ass back to the library.
-Reader Alyssa S. really hates: the smelly drunk girl. You know who I am talking about, the girl who gets drunk, and then dances, getting sweaty, only to ask you the same question over and over again, which is usually "Am I pretty?" I want to tell her she's fucking ugly just so she will go cry in the bathroom and leave me alone. She tries to hug you and cover you in her alcohol infused perspiration, continually re-applies her makeup until she looks like a fucking clown and smells. I'm not sure what it is exactly that makes the "drunk girl smell" Not all girls get it, but a lot do, and it's nasty. It's the combination of smoke, alcohol sweat, makeup and bad breath I think. Stop fucking hugging me, go take a shower! Can you not smell or see yourself the 800 times you have gone to the bathroom to apply makeup? If you must hover around me shut the fuck up! Stop annoying me when I'm trying to find a piece of ass! I hate you!
-Alyssa also hates: the friend who always sits in the front seat, and then talks on the phone the entire god damned time she's sitting up there. She even turns down the radio so she can have a conversation. God forbid anyone else turn the radio down when they want to speak or hear anything at all. No, you must sit in the backseat and be deaf until the car ride is over, not to mention get sick and windblown because she has to have the windows down too. Sit in the back fucking seat if you are not even going to talk to people in the car, so I can bust your eardrums you inconsiderate fuck. I hate you!
-Reader Sarah H. really hates: The I'm-Too-Good-To-Go-Out-And-Get-Drunk-Asian-Philospher: That's right, my RA likes to preach CONSTANTLY about the evils of alcohol and the many reasons why alcohol is the root of all of society's problems. Fuck you, douche nozzel! "I would go out and get food....but I don't feel like looking at drunk people..." Eat shit and die, alright? Because as soon as I'm finished listening to you piss and moan about your Holier-than-thou attitude, I'm gonna go slam 12 beers till I can't tell my ass from my hand! Fuck off, I HATE YOU!!!
-Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ really hates: No one. I love all men as one. However, I must say that I don't really like Muslims. I don't know what it is. I mean, I'm a Jew, so I dig the Jews. And Christians worship me, so I like them too. But Muslims don't seem to like me at all, so they kind of annoy me. Who is the Mohammed guy anyway? Wasn't I around first? I've been looking all over heaven for him and I can't seem to find"wait" I think I see him talking to Ghandi"I gotta go"
-Reader CJ really hates: the "Angry Thong Wearer" She's the dumb skank that feels the need to go to class dressed like it's friday night and she's going "clubbin". As soon as she sits down in the desk in front of you her thong rides up, she reaches back and realizes it and tucks it back into her black booty pants, and then turns gives you a dirty look becuase you were looking at it. Like it's my fault she's dressed like a hootch while the rest of the world is still wearing what they slept in and she can't keep her sexy underwear in her pants and out of my field of vision. Guess what put a hoodie and some fleece pants on and act like a regular person you dumb bitch. I HATE YOU
-Reader Andrea The High Schooler really hates: the couples that are so openly "lovey dovey" they must confess it to the world threw msn...no one really cares that "you LOOOVE BOBBI SOOOO MUCH *KISSES*" i want to fucking choke people like that... but that's not the worst of it what's worse is when they break up 2 days later and they put it on their screen name as well "I'm such a fucking loser that bobbi dumped me...I'm sorry I'm too ugly for you"...no one fucking cares about shit like that...especially over msn...all we want to know is the simple shit. Don't lay your life out for everyone to read, trust me we don't find it as amusing as you do.
-Reader Gabbi really hates: the poseur queen. Everyone knows her oh so well, or not at all. She has been everything from slutty to straight edge"sporty to emo, in fact you can't understand how she has the money to become someone new every week. The cost of clothes, condoms, sweatbands, and notebooks to write her feelings in must be well into the thousands, but wait she's also pretending to have problems at home, so maybe her rents feel bad for her and encourage her fake ways. So when I throw your flower on the ground an stomp on it, or tell you to shut the fuck up b/c I'm not listening, or lick the cupcakes u probably spent hours making for your boyfriends birthday, or most importantly when I tell you I hate your guts, IM NOT FUCKING JOKING AND I HATE YOU!
-Reader Melissa really hates: the slutty drunk-This is the so-called good friend that when Intoxicated decides your bed would be the optimal spot to fuck some random guy. He busts on your sheets, and then they leave you without cleaning up. Your left drunk/stoned at 2 in the morning trying to wash your god damn sheets. ( side note: bleach and laundry detergent are not interchangeable). Then she has the nerve to call you the next afternoon to see if you caught the guys name by chance. I hate you! You're a stupid whore!
-Reader Tom W. really hates: people who wear cell phones on their belt. They act like it's special or something, when really the guy sitting next to them has the same fucking one. Does it make you feel important that you have a cell phone. Welcome to the 21st century every mother fucker has a cell phone so put it in your pocket bitch. FUCK YOU pocket illiterate mother fucker I HATE YOU.
-Reader Nick G. really hates: The "Look at Me, I read the Newspaper!" Guy. These fuckers go out of there way to show everybody in class that they read the Washington Post. To them I would say: Guess what fag? Nobody gives a shit you spend 10$ in newspapers from the bookstore every morning. Read your paper in your dorm room, when you actually have time to do it. I HATE YOU.
-Finally, A Reader Who-didn't-give-me-his-name-but-the-beginning-of-his-email-name-is-Jgraf really hates: People who walk at the exact pace you are, but pull out RIGHT in front of you. You know the people, your walking at a nice leisurely pace, but then some mother fucker walks RIGHT out in front of you. And he HAS to go the same damn pace as you. So you can't pass him unless you jog around his ass, and then you have to fucking crawl if you don't want to be walking on his ass. You fucking annoying pull out walker...I HATE YOU!
-Wow, that was a lot of hate and I've enjoyed every last bit of it. If you made it this far; congratulations. If you didn't; your Mom hates you and is cheating on your Dad. And remember, if you want to contribute to the Hate List's special tenth edition, email suxatlife@hotmail.com with celebrities you hate and keep the anger alive.
-Oh Yeah, I almost forgot. The next edition of the Hate List will be the 10th one and I want to do something special. One of my readers suggested a celebrity themed hate list, so why not. Send me some Celebrities you hate at suxatlife@hotmail.com. Now, on with the hate!
-MINE:
-Tan Man: If you traced my ancestry back through the years, you would find out that I am a mix of English, Irish and German blood. These cultures do not lend themselves to dark skin very nicely. In fact, when I get in the sun, I don't even burn"I just get instant blisters. Because of this, I have to work all summer to achieve some semblance of a tan. But not Tan Man. No"Tan Man already has a tan 2 months before summer because he went to the fake n' bake all spring. Listen up, you greasy shit, you shit on my parade every year and I'm sick of it! I can't compete with you no matter what I do, so Im discouraged from the get go. You're the kind of guy that would show up to a wheelchair race with a go-kart, you insensitive fuck"I Hate You!
-Smell This: "Hey dude"dude"C'mere. Dude! You gotta smell my ______!" No"No I don't. Why are you so amazed by the odors your body can produce? What is so great about your fart, or your shoe, or your finger that would make you think that I want to smell it? I'm sure your fart smells like shit, your shoe smells like feet and you finger"well, your finger is another story altogether. Why don't you do the world a favor and keep your rank body to yourself, you smelly ass"I hate You!
-W.W.J.D.: What would Jesus Do??? I don't have a fucking clue. This is one of the most useless phrases of all time and damned be all who further it through bumper stickers, bracelets, and tee-shirts. Ok, maybe if you were tempted by the devil on a mountaintop, you could ask yourself this ridiculous question. But for all intensive purposes, it's completely erroneous (5 point SAT word). What would Jesus do if his porn wasn't downloading fast enough? What would Jesus do if he farted in class? What would Jesus do if he ran over a kid? What would Jesus do if"I Hate You!
-The Scientist: This time of year, I begin to sweat. At first, it's just a wet brow"then some wet hair"and before you know it, my entire body is expelling liquid like it's the Hoover dam. So when I complain about how the heat makes me sweat so much, my best friend The Weather Man always has to say, "It's not the heat, it's the humidity." The only thing is, he waits, like he's announcing the winning raffle number. So it really sounds something like this, "It's not the heat"(wait for it)"it's the HUMIDITY!" Oh my God, I'm so proud that you passed seventh grade science and can regale me with information about the water density in the air, you big fucking douche. Next time you say this to me, I'm going to wipe my sweaty hair all over your face, dickhead"I Hate You!
-YOURS:
-Reader Shannon R. (see "To Shannon" issue) really hates"the "Ummmm Girl." The girl in my pop culture class that says "ummm" every third word. Not only that, but she's one of these people that takes longer to answer a sentence than it should. On top of that, this shoveoff talks about crap no one cares about. "Ummm, well, it's all, ummm, subjective, in an.... ummmm..... media consumed.... ummm.. culture. it's like, ummm... we're all these..... ummm, mice in a maze" Ummmm... I HATE YOU.
-Reader Krystle B. really hates: I hate the Pity friend who can't take a hint. We all have one or two, the 'friend' that you let chill with you because you feel bad for him or her. But its a sure thing that sooner or later that friggen haunt will get beyond annoying and you want nothing more than to rid yourself of this pathetic parasite. Even during the summer vacation this person STILL doesn't get it, look I don't talk to you for a reason, and when I say I'll brb and never come back...hmm I WONDER WHY??? NO you dumbass I didn't accidentally forget to IM you back I PURPOSLY DECIDED NOT TO. Why don't you go find new people to feel sorry for you and Leave me alone..... I HATE YOU!
-Reader Brian T. really hates: Mr. 40 Year Old College Student. Some people look at you and say, "How great that they are going back to get an education". I look at you and say, "Get the fuck out of my 8:30 am class you wrinkly old bastard". There is a reason for night classes; they are for rundown, good-for-nothing, mid-life crisis entering old fat farts. The men aren't as bad, they know they aren't SUPPOSED to be there, so they sit in the back and quietly earn their 2 decade late diploma. It's those fucking housewives that wake up one morning and think they can go to college now that the kids are out of the house and get a degree. TO DO WHAT YOU FAT CUNT?!?! By the time your idiot ass even EARNS a diploma, you'll be 50. That's 5 to 10 years away from retirement, or a job as a greeter at Walmart. You don't need a fucking degree to smile and say hi to people. So stop asking questions, stop sucking up to the professor that's 15 years younger than you, and get out of my class. Do you need to take English 275 to understand the words "I HATE YOU!"
-Reader Jon A. really hates: those loser guys who go to clubs with their top 3 buttons on their shirts not done up. Some even have the chest hair poking out that makes me want to punch them even harder. What are they going for here the "greasy guy from the 80's" look? I hate you, you fucking loser!
(Author's Note: Chest hair and gold chains are back Jon, get with it)
-Reader Jim P. really hates: all those fucking jackasses who think that they are funny when they quote Dave Chapelle's skit of Little Jon. Dear God, you people need to realize that you are not Little John Or Dave Chapelle and you are not funny, most of you aren't even black!!!!!! Go to hell you copyright infringement motherfuckers
(Author's Note: I was similarly troubled by such an incident, see "People I Hate", the first hate list)
-Reader Eric H. really hates: The 40 year old women who walk around campus with those damn backpacks on wheels. Are they really that lazy and weak that they cant just get a real backpack that actually goes on their backs and not some damn suitcase for their books. They walk slower than anyone else on campus and get in people's way all the time. Guess what? You're not going to be able to stow that carry-on anywhere on this campus. Get a bag like everybody else, you old, lazy hags"I Hate You!
-Reader Katie J. really hates: those fucking assholes that drive on the interstate in the passing lane while going below the speed limit OR just keeping pace with the person in the regular lane. IT'S CALLED THE PASSING LANE FOR A REASON!!!! I also hate that son of a bitch that weaves in and out of lanes with out using a turn signal - people like that should just die because they are probably going to end up the cause of my death. Assholes"I hate you both!
-Reader Rhino really hates: closet studiers: These are the people who claim to never attend class, don't buy any materials and never study. Just tell the truth. They act like they are too good to study and base their grades on the amount of time they studied, which is usually some bullshit amount of time immediately preceding a test. I think grades should be base on a ratio of time studied to your score; like 300 minutes divided by the score of 97% that's a 3.1 you failed..... but on the other hand, a 75 earned in 35 minutes of study time equals a 2.1 good job!! So fuck you, you little dishonest, "I never study" schoolboy or schoolgirl and get you ass back to the library.
-Reader Alyssa S. really hates: the smelly drunk girl. You know who I am talking about, the girl who gets drunk, and then dances, getting sweaty, only to ask you the same question over and over again, which is usually "Am I pretty?" I want to tell her she's fucking ugly just so she will go cry in the bathroom and leave me alone. She tries to hug you and cover you in her alcohol infused perspiration, continually re-applies her makeup until she looks like a fucking clown and smells. I'm not sure what it is exactly that makes the "drunk girl smell" Not all girls get it, but a lot do, and it's nasty. It's the combination of smoke, alcohol sweat, makeup and bad breath I think. Stop fucking hugging me, go take a shower! Can you not smell or see yourself the 800 times you have gone to the bathroom to apply makeup? If you must hover around me shut the fuck up! Stop annoying me when I'm trying to find a piece of ass! I hate you!
-Alyssa also hates: the friend who always sits in the front seat, and then talks on the phone the entire god damned time she's sitting up there. She even turns down the radio so she can have a conversation. God forbid anyone else turn the radio down when they want to speak or hear anything at all. No, you must sit in the backseat and be deaf until the car ride is over, not to mention get sick and windblown because she has to have the windows down too. Sit in the back fucking seat if you are not even going to talk to people in the car, so I can bust your eardrums you inconsiderate fuck. I hate you!
-Reader Sarah H. really hates: The I'm-Too-Good-To-Go-Out-And-Get-Drunk-Asian-Philospher: That's right, my RA likes to preach CONSTANTLY about the evils of alcohol and the many reasons why alcohol is the root of all of society's problems. Fuck you, douche nozzel! "I would go out and get food....but I don't feel like looking at drunk people..." Eat shit and die, alright? Because as soon as I'm finished listening to you piss and moan about your Holier-than-thou attitude, I'm gonna go slam 12 beers till I can't tell my ass from my hand! Fuck off, I HATE YOU!!!
-Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ really hates: No one. I love all men as one. However, I must say that I don't really like Muslims. I don't know what it is. I mean, I'm a Jew, so I dig the Jews. And Christians worship me, so I like them too. But Muslims don't seem to like me at all, so they kind of annoy me. Who is the Mohammed guy anyway? Wasn't I around first? I've been looking all over heaven for him and I can't seem to find"wait" I think I see him talking to Ghandi"I gotta go"
-Reader CJ really hates: the "Angry Thong Wearer" She's the dumb skank that feels the need to go to class dressed like it's friday night and she's going "clubbin". As soon as she sits down in the desk in front of you her thong rides up, she reaches back and realizes it and tucks it back into her black booty pants, and then turns gives you a dirty look becuase you were looking at it. Like it's my fault she's dressed like a hootch while the rest of the world is still wearing what they slept in and she can't keep her sexy underwear in her pants and out of my field of vision. Guess what put a hoodie and some fleece pants on and act like a regular person you dumb bitch. I HATE YOU
-Reader Andrea The High Schooler really hates: the couples that are so openly "lovey dovey" they must confess it to the world threw msn...no one really cares that "you LOOOVE BOBBI SOOOO MUCH *KISSES*" i want to fucking choke people like that... but that's not the worst of it what's worse is when they break up 2 days later and they put it on their screen name as well "I'm such a fucking loser that bobbi dumped me...I'm sorry I'm too ugly for you"...no one fucking cares about shit like that...especially over msn...all we want to know is the simple shit. Don't lay your life out for everyone to read, trust me we don't find it as amusing as you do.
-Reader Gabbi really hates: the poseur queen. Everyone knows her oh so well, or not at all. She has been everything from slutty to straight edge"sporty to emo, in fact you can't understand how she has the money to become someone new every week. The cost of clothes, condoms, sweatbands, and notebooks to write her feelings in must be well into the thousands, but wait she's also pretending to have problems at home, so maybe her rents feel bad for her and encourage her fake ways. So when I throw your flower on the ground an stomp on it, or tell you to shut the fuck up b/c I'm not listening, or lick the cupcakes u probably spent hours making for your boyfriends birthday, or most importantly when I tell you I hate your guts, IM NOT FUCKING JOKING AND I HATE YOU!
-Reader Melissa really hates: the slutty drunk-This is the so-called good friend that when Intoxicated decides your bed would be the optimal spot to fuck some random guy. He busts on your sheets, and then they leave you without cleaning up. Your left drunk/stoned at 2 in the morning trying to wash your god damn sheets. ( side note: bleach and laundry detergent are not interchangeable). Then she has the nerve to call you the next afternoon to see if you caught the guys name by chance. I hate you! You're a stupid whore!
-Reader Tom W. really hates: people who wear cell phones on their belt. They act like it's special or something, when really the guy sitting next to them has the same fucking one. Does it make you feel important that you have a cell phone. Welcome to the 21st century every mother fucker has a cell phone so put it in your pocket bitch. FUCK YOU pocket illiterate mother fucker I HATE YOU.
-Reader Nick G. really hates: The "Look at Me, I read the Newspaper!" Guy. These fuckers go out of there way to show everybody in class that they read the Washington Post. To them I would say: Guess what fag? Nobody gives a shit you spend 10$ in newspapers from the bookstore every morning. Read your paper in your dorm room, when you actually have time to do it. I HATE YOU.
-Finally, A Reader Who-didn't-give-me-his-name-but-the-beginning-of-his-email-name-is-Jgraf really hates: People who walk at the exact pace you are, but pull out RIGHT in front of you. You know the people, your walking at a nice leisurely pace, but then some mother fucker walks RIGHT out in front of you. And he HAS to go the same damn pace as you. So you can't pass him unless you jog around his ass, and then you have to fucking crawl if you don't want to be walking on his ass. You fucking annoying pull out walker...I HATE YOU!
-Wow, that was a lot of hate and I've enjoyed every last bit of it. If you made it this far; congratulations. If you didn't; your Mom hates you and is cheating on your Dad. And remember, if you want to contribute to the Hate List's special tenth edition, email suxatlife@hotmail.com with celebrities you hate and keep the anger alive.
"Modern World, Ancient King II" by King Henry VII of England
“Modern World, Ancient King”
By King Henry VII of England
The Motel 6
-Good tidings, fine citizenry of America. It is I, His Majesty King Henry VII of England! When we last spoke, I addressed my problems with an eating establishment known to you as McDonalds. I dare say I have never been attended to in such a lackadaisical manner in all the years of my reign! However, if you are kind enough to recall, my manservant Plinny found a proper venue for my feast at an establishment known as T.G.I.Fridays. And good thing too.
-After the glorious meal which was prepared for the royal feasting party, I was in dire need of a lodging house to accommodate my highness for the evening. Plinny, the foolish boy that he is, had not seen so far ahead as to pre-arrange proper lodging for myself prior to our departure from London a fortnight past. Being that the party is currently in the township of Dayton in the Principality of Ohio, I bade Plinny to call on the Baron of the land to accommodate me.
-After some confusion, Plinny was able to secure a correspondence, by way of a mysterious talk-box which was placed inside a metal grate and which reeked of urine, with one Rhine McLin, the ruler of this township. After a brief conversation, Plinny regrettably informed me that Baroness McLin was unable to accommodate the royal entourage within her castle. To my utter shock, Baroness McLin did not even have a castle, just some dwelling known as a “converted ranch on the edge of town.” This style of dwelling eluded my Kingly knowledge, but it had better have high walls and sturdy barbican; how else is a King to put down a peasant revolt?
-Plinny informed the party that Baroness McLin had made reference to a local hostelry known as Motel 6 and suggested the party retire to this venue for our sleeping needs. All know a King is none the better unless well rested and, at present, the angels of sleep were lightly dancing about my head. Into the horseless carriage we climbed and, in what seemed but a moment, my entourage had lain out the royal walking carpet for me to enter the Motel 6.
-Agreeable would be a far understatement whence one is describing the accommodations at this particular hostelry. Plinny was sent to the hostel keeper to secure the rooms, as they are known, for myself and the royal touring party. Whilst Plinny was negotiation with the hostel keeper, I acquainted myself with the many amenities offered to the Motel 6 patron. Why, according to the literature, I can bathe whenever I see fit! Grand! All men know that bathing is unclean and unnecessary, however I felt that perhaps I should have the royal concubines scrub mine own body nonetheless. This colorful parcel also tells of something named cable television. I should be curious to acquaint myself with that!
-Plinny returned and informed me that we had been offered, by the proprietor of the Motel 6, a special “family vacation deal.” I knew not what he meant, but he assured me that we were given our bedchambers at a reduced rate due to our large numbers and ambassadorial status. As the royal purse has been declining in wealth since that wretched stable boy, Marcus, saw his way to Hooters two nights hence, I was delighted to learn of the discounted rate.
-Yet, my delight had only begun. When my trusted concubine, Gwendeline, and I entered our bedchamber, I was overcome with the sheer cleanliness of the place. The bed had been turned down, the windowpanes glistened and the armoire was of the finest polished mahogany. Why, this chamber also contained an in-room lavatorium for defecating and cleansing one’s self. I questioned this “toilet” contraption, for I feared the stench would perforate the chamber, but Plinny, after some trial, deduced that with the push of a handle all of the bowel-waste would be carried swiftly to some unseen, underground chamber. What a magical delight!
-Why, I was even able to control the temperature in my chamber without the use of costly blocks of Jade from the Far East. It seems the proprietor had devised a way to trap the cooling powers of ice within a metal box placed inside the window frame. I must confess, I busied myself with this device for quite some time. That is, until Gwendeline brought a magic picture box to life which had been discreetly hidden in the armoire. What a wonderful tool of war. It seems that the Motel 6, with its advanced surveillance box, can watch over people from all over the kingdom! I must acquire one of these devices whence I return to London!
-The evening passed most sublimely and I slept as calmly as the lions in the Royal Menagerie; secure in my dominance. Whence I awoke, Plinny attended to my dressing robes and hurried me to a dining area, for he feared we would be tardy for a complimentary continental breakfast. I myself prefer a British breakfast of toasted wheat bread, beans, eggs, and preserves, however I amused myself with the various cereals offered and the wide selection of Bagels; a Jewish, ringed bread. Plinny then paid the hostel keeper the fare and we bid farewell to the Motel 6. Curiously, not an hour outside of Dayton, I spied along the toll road an advert for what appeared to be another Motel 6. It seems that the proprietor of this establishment had built an empire…an empire fit for a King!
*Where will King Henry VII, Plinny and the rest of the royal paty stop next? Log on next week to find out or you could send me a suggestion at suxatlife@hotmail.com!
By King Henry VII of England
The Motel 6
-Good tidings, fine citizenry of America. It is I, His Majesty King Henry VII of England! When we last spoke, I addressed my problems with an eating establishment known to you as McDonalds. I dare say I have never been attended to in such a lackadaisical manner in all the years of my reign! However, if you are kind enough to recall, my manservant Plinny found a proper venue for my feast at an establishment known as T.G.I.Fridays. And good thing too.
-After the glorious meal which was prepared for the royal feasting party, I was in dire need of a lodging house to accommodate my highness for the evening. Plinny, the foolish boy that he is, had not seen so far ahead as to pre-arrange proper lodging for myself prior to our departure from London a fortnight past. Being that the party is currently in the township of Dayton in the Principality of Ohio, I bade Plinny to call on the Baron of the land to accommodate me.
-After some confusion, Plinny was able to secure a correspondence, by way of a mysterious talk-box which was placed inside a metal grate and which reeked of urine, with one Rhine McLin, the ruler of this township. After a brief conversation, Plinny regrettably informed me that Baroness McLin was unable to accommodate the royal entourage within her castle. To my utter shock, Baroness McLin did not even have a castle, just some dwelling known as a “converted ranch on the edge of town.” This style of dwelling eluded my Kingly knowledge, but it had better have high walls and sturdy barbican; how else is a King to put down a peasant revolt?
-Plinny informed the party that Baroness McLin had made reference to a local hostelry known as Motel 6 and suggested the party retire to this venue for our sleeping needs. All know a King is none the better unless well rested and, at present, the angels of sleep were lightly dancing about my head. Into the horseless carriage we climbed and, in what seemed but a moment, my entourage had lain out the royal walking carpet for me to enter the Motel 6.
-Agreeable would be a far understatement whence one is describing the accommodations at this particular hostelry. Plinny was sent to the hostel keeper to secure the rooms, as they are known, for myself and the royal touring party. Whilst Plinny was negotiation with the hostel keeper, I acquainted myself with the many amenities offered to the Motel 6 patron. Why, according to the literature, I can bathe whenever I see fit! Grand! All men know that bathing is unclean and unnecessary, however I felt that perhaps I should have the royal concubines scrub mine own body nonetheless. This colorful parcel also tells of something named cable television. I should be curious to acquaint myself with that!
-Plinny returned and informed me that we had been offered, by the proprietor of the Motel 6, a special “family vacation deal.” I knew not what he meant, but he assured me that we were given our bedchambers at a reduced rate due to our large numbers and ambassadorial status. As the royal purse has been declining in wealth since that wretched stable boy, Marcus, saw his way to Hooters two nights hence, I was delighted to learn of the discounted rate.
-Yet, my delight had only begun. When my trusted concubine, Gwendeline, and I entered our bedchamber, I was overcome with the sheer cleanliness of the place. The bed had been turned down, the windowpanes glistened and the armoire was of the finest polished mahogany. Why, this chamber also contained an in-room lavatorium for defecating and cleansing one’s self. I questioned this “toilet” contraption, for I feared the stench would perforate the chamber, but Plinny, after some trial, deduced that with the push of a handle all of the bowel-waste would be carried swiftly to some unseen, underground chamber. What a magical delight!
-Why, I was even able to control the temperature in my chamber without the use of costly blocks of Jade from the Far East. It seems the proprietor had devised a way to trap the cooling powers of ice within a metal box placed inside the window frame. I must confess, I busied myself with this device for quite some time. That is, until Gwendeline brought a magic picture box to life which had been discreetly hidden in the armoire. What a wonderful tool of war. It seems that the Motel 6, with its advanced surveillance box, can watch over people from all over the kingdom! I must acquire one of these devices whence I return to London!
-The evening passed most sublimely and I slept as calmly as the lions in the Royal Menagerie; secure in my dominance. Whence I awoke, Plinny attended to my dressing robes and hurried me to a dining area, for he feared we would be tardy for a complimentary continental breakfast. I myself prefer a British breakfast of toasted wheat bread, beans, eggs, and preserves, however I amused myself with the various cereals offered and the wide selection of Bagels; a Jewish, ringed bread. Plinny then paid the hostel keeper the fare and we bid farewell to the Motel 6. Curiously, not an hour outside of Dayton, I spied along the toll road an advert for what appeared to be another Motel 6. It seems that the proprietor of this establishment had built an empire…an empire fit for a King!
*Where will King Henry VII, Plinny and the rest of the royal paty stop next? Log on next week to find out or you could send me a suggestion at suxatlife@hotmail.com!
Do You Know What's In Your Products?
-I am sitting here at my desk looking at a curious present my little sister gave to me a few weeks ago; Gettysburg College lip balm. It's not that there is anything strange about the product in particular (it's just regular lip balm). The trouble is I have absolutely no idea how and why Gettysburg College makes lip balm (I'm sure it has something to do with herds of freshmen harvesting the balm trees), but more importantly, I have no idea what lip balm is made out of. When I smear this stuff on my lips, am I really just applying a translucent layer of crushed up eyeball?
-This got me thinking. I don't know what half of the products I use everyday are made out of and that troubles me. So, I did some investigating and discovered the ingredients to some very common and very important products that you and I use all the time.
-1. Shampoo- I don't particularly care for cleaning myself, but I have been told a lot of people use this stuff. After some research employing a varying grade spectrometer and some lactic sulphates, I was able to determine that shampoo is nothing more than melted soap. But how does it retain its liquid form and not re-harden into regular soap, you may ask. And if you do ask, I'll kindly ask you to shut your big, curious mouth because thems is questions for God, not for mens like you and me.
-2. Mayonaise- At first glance, mayo looks like vanilla pudding. But it is so much more"so much. Every fat person's (including your truly) favorite condiment and/or meal has been a mystery to me for ages. Ever since I began eating it as a child, straight from the jar with a spoon, the chemical nature of this delicious paste has eluded me. I sent some telegraphs to Hellman's and, after a few days, I received a reply. It read, "Dear Mr. Seidell, Hellman's would be pleased to answer your question about the ingredients in mayonnaise. However, we do not really know. We just get jugs of it from this guy in France and then we just stick it in bottles. I hope this has helped. If you have any further questions, please contact Mr. Jean-Paul Lavante in Aix-en-Provence, France. Thank you." I guess some things will always be a mystery.
-3. Tooth Paste- Far be it from me to brag, but I brush my teeth at least once a week (which is why my smile is the color of the sun). Hell, I have probably brushed my teeth at least 100 times in my life, but I have never known what tooth paste is made out of. The bottle will tell you it contains complex sounding chemicals like fluorinated dioxytone, but I know what they really mean; teeth. Toothpaste is just crushed up cow teeth mixed with chewing gum. Like Native Americans, the people who slaughter cattle don't like to waste anything. So they devised a way to use the pulverized teeth as a cleaning solution"oh slaughter houses; what will they think of next???
-4. Dental Floss- hahahaha, who uses dental floss? Oh, you do? I bet you think that you're all high and mighty since you clean between your teeth, don't you? Well, I got news for you Mr. I'm too good to use a toothpick, dental floss is made out of pubic hair. That's right, pluck out one of your own and straighten it out with an iron. It will be about as long as a roll of floss. How does it get that minty taste? They take it to bars and have people blow menthol cigarette smoke on it. Who's the loser now?
-5. Ecto-Cooler- Who wouldn't want a beverage inspired by a gluttonous, green ghost from a popular 80's movie? I know when I was younger (and earlier this morning) I used to gulp down Ecto-Cooler Hi-C by the gallon and I bet you did too. How foolish we were"how foolish. Don't you see people? Ecto-Cooler is nothing more than green fruit punch. It's enough to make me question the very integrity of the ghost busters themselves. Who am I gonna call? Not you, you lying bastards!
-Some misconceptions:
*Butterfinger candy bars contain nether butter nor fingers"they do contain a curious substance known as peanut-butter-buttery, which is made in Sweden.
*Rock Salt is salt that grows on rocks, not the other way around.
*Tampons grown on trees in Africa, they aren't manufactured"just the applicators are.
*Lip Gloss does not taste good, no matter how good it smells.
*It is OK to swallow gum because it is made out of flavored glue.
-This got me thinking. I don't know what half of the products I use everyday are made out of and that troubles me. So, I did some investigating and discovered the ingredients to some very common and very important products that you and I use all the time.
-1. Shampoo- I don't particularly care for cleaning myself, but I have been told a lot of people use this stuff. After some research employing a varying grade spectrometer and some lactic sulphates, I was able to determine that shampoo is nothing more than melted soap. But how does it retain its liquid form and not re-harden into regular soap, you may ask. And if you do ask, I'll kindly ask you to shut your big, curious mouth because thems is questions for God, not for mens like you and me.
-2. Mayonaise- At first glance, mayo looks like vanilla pudding. But it is so much more"so much. Every fat person's (including your truly) favorite condiment and/or meal has been a mystery to me for ages. Ever since I began eating it as a child, straight from the jar with a spoon, the chemical nature of this delicious paste has eluded me. I sent some telegraphs to Hellman's and, after a few days, I received a reply. It read, "Dear Mr. Seidell, Hellman's would be pleased to answer your question about the ingredients in mayonnaise. However, we do not really know. We just get jugs of it from this guy in France and then we just stick it in bottles. I hope this has helped. If you have any further questions, please contact Mr. Jean-Paul Lavante in Aix-en-Provence, France. Thank you." I guess some things will always be a mystery.
-3. Tooth Paste- Far be it from me to brag, but I brush my teeth at least once a week (which is why my smile is the color of the sun). Hell, I have probably brushed my teeth at least 100 times in my life, but I have never known what tooth paste is made out of. The bottle will tell you it contains complex sounding chemicals like fluorinated dioxytone, but I know what they really mean; teeth. Toothpaste is just crushed up cow teeth mixed with chewing gum. Like Native Americans, the people who slaughter cattle don't like to waste anything. So they devised a way to use the pulverized teeth as a cleaning solution"oh slaughter houses; what will they think of next???
-4. Dental Floss- hahahaha, who uses dental floss? Oh, you do? I bet you think that you're all high and mighty since you clean between your teeth, don't you? Well, I got news for you Mr. I'm too good to use a toothpick, dental floss is made out of pubic hair. That's right, pluck out one of your own and straighten it out with an iron. It will be about as long as a roll of floss. How does it get that minty taste? They take it to bars and have people blow menthol cigarette smoke on it. Who's the loser now?
-5. Ecto-Cooler- Who wouldn't want a beverage inspired by a gluttonous, green ghost from a popular 80's movie? I know when I was younger (and earlier this morning) I used to gulp down Ecto-Cooler Hi-C by the gallon and I bet you did too. How foolish we were"how foolish. Don't you see people? Ecto-Cooler is nothing more than green fruit punch. It's enough to make me question the very integrity of the ghost busters themselves. Who am I gonna call? Not you, you lying bastards!
-Some misconceptions:
*Butterfinger candy bars contain nether butter nor fingers"they do contain a curious substance known as peanut-butter-buttery, which is made in Sweden.
*Rock Salt is salt that grows on rocks, not the other way around.
*Tampons grown on trees in Africa, they aren't manufactured"just the applicators are.
*Lip Gloss does not taste good, no matter how good it smells.
*It is OK to swallow gum because it is made out of flavored glue.
Ask Dr. Street
-Many of you know that I am comedian and humor columnist for collegehumor.com. What many of you might not know is that I am also I licensed therapist. I have been attending to patients for the past eight years in family, group, and individual psychological counseling sessions. I also get a lot of mail from people who want advice and guidance. I do the best I can, as you will see.
-Dear Dr. Street
Two years ago, I was in a car accident. It wasn't that bad, but I sustained injuries to my neck and head. Since the crash, I have become increasingly irritable and unstable; often lashing out at my family and loved ones. I have had my head examined and there is no lasting traumatic damage to either my brain or my spinal cord. Why am I having these outbursts? Sincerely Crazy Katie
-Dear Crazy,
I have seen this type of thing before"in movies and on Law and Order and stuff and the best advice I can give you is to stop being such a bitch to your family. Nobody likes someone who is always yelling at people; just look what happened to Hitler! Every time you feel like boiling over and screaming your head off, go kill a small animal instead. They aren't that important to the ecosystem and nobody will miss a squirrel or raccoon. If that doesn't work, keep moving up the food chain and killing animals of increasingly large size. Eventually, somewhere between the opossum and the bison, you should feel your anger subside.
-Dear Dr. Street,
I always seem to be misplacing things as I grow older. I can never find my keys and I spend hours looking for my shoes, coat, etc"In fact, I'll put something down and almost immediately forget where I put it. Is this just forgetfulness or something worse? From Forgetful Phil
-Dear Forgetful,
Hello, can I have your boarding pass sir"ok"it looks like you have a first class seat in aisle number crazy with an optional in-flight freak-out. Thank you for flying Alzheimer's Air! Kiss that bladder and bowel control goodbye! I'm truly sorry to hear that you're about to become someone who talks to the television and insists that the washing machine owes you money from a gambling debt, but look on the bright side"you're about to become the most popular person in the family. Everyone will be coming over to hear Crazy Grandpa Phil rant about this and that all while wearing his underwear outside his pants! As fun as that sounds, make sure to make a videotape of yourself as you are now so your family can remember what huge asshole you were when your mind still worked.
-Dear Dr. Street
My 15 year-old daughter has not been herself lately. She used to be so sweet and nice, but lately I hear her listening to rap music and swearing at her friends on the phone. She even gave me the finger when I asked where she was going the other night. Is she getting into drugs? Worried Wanda
-Dear Wanda,
Probably. Kids love drugs"they love everything about them so it's no shock that your daughter is probably taking a heavy dose of them. In fact, I bet if you went to her room right now, she'd be sitting in bed huffing a can of whipped cream. Irritability, detachment and Hispanic men calling the house late at night demanding money are all signs that your child is using drugs. But it doesn't stop there. You know what else your daughter is probably doing; she's probably having sex"with lots of people. And, she probably killed a guy once. It's all a part of growing up and you should learn to accept your "new" daughter for who she is. Also, accept Julio, her new 35 year-old boyfriend and drug connection, for who he is because Lord knows you'll be seeing a lot of him.
-I hope you have found my advice sound and useful. If you have a question about a psychological problems, family issues, or health concerns, email me and I will do my best to give you the absolute worst advice I can think of. Sincerely yours, Dr. Street
-Dear Dr. Street
Two years ago, I was in a car accident. It wasn't that bad, but I sustained injuries to my neck and head. Since the crash, I have become increasingly irritable and unstable; often lashing out at my family and loved ones. I have had my head examined and there is no lasting traumatic damage to either my brain or my spinal cord. Why am I having these outbursts? Sincerely Crazy Katie
-Dear Crazy,
I have seen this type of thing before"in movies and on Law and Order and stuff and the best advice I can give you is to stop being such a bitch to your family. Nobody likes someone who is always yelling at people; just look what happened to Hitler! Every time you feel like boiling over and screaming your head off, go kill a small animal instead. They aren't that important to the ecosystem and nobody will miss a squirrel or raccoon. If that doesn't work, keep moving up the food chain and killing animals of increasingly large size. Eventually, somewhere between the opossum and the bison, you should feel your anger subside.
-Dear Dr. Street,
I always seem to be misplacing things as I grow older. I can never find my keys and I spend hours looking for my shoes, coat, etc"In fact, I'll put something down and almost immediately forget where I put it. Is this just forgetfulness or something worse? From Forgetful Phil
-Dear Forgetful,
Hello, can I have your boarding pass sir"ok"it looks like you have a first class seat in aisle number crazy with an optional in-flight freak-out. Thank you for flying Alzheimer's Air! Kiss that bladder and bowel control goodbye! I'm truly sorry to hear that you're about to become someone who talks to the television and insists that the washing machine owes you money from a gambling debt, but look on the bright side"you're about to become the most popular person in the family. Everyone will be coming over to hear Crazy Grandpa Phil rant about this and that all while wearing his underwear outside his pants! As fun as that sounds, make sure to make a videotape of yourself as you are now so your family can remember what huge asshole you were when your mind still worked.
-Dear Dr. Street
My 15 year-old daughter has not been herself lately. She used to be so sweet and nice, but lately I hear her listening to rap music and swearing at her friends on the phone. She even gave me the finger when I asked where she was going the other night. Is she getting into drugs? Worried Wanda
-Dear Wanda,
Probably. Kids love drugs"they love everything about them so it's no shock that your daughter is probably taking a heavy dose of them. In fact, I bet if you went to her room right now, she'd be sitting in bed huffing a can of whipped cream. Irritability, detachment and Hispanic men calling the house late at night demanding money are all signs that your child is using drugs. But it doesn't stop there. You know what else your daughter is probably doing; she's probably having sex"with lots of people. And, she probably killed a guy once. It's all a part of growing up and you should learn to accept your "new" daughter for who she is. Also, accept Julio, her new 35 year-old boyfriend and drug connection, for who he is because Lord knows you'll be seeing a lot of him.
-I hope you have found my advice sound and useful. If you have a question about a psychological problems, family issues, or health concerns, email me and I will do my best to give you the absolute worst advice I can think of. Sincerely yours, Dr. Street
People You Hate VII
-It's hot and I'm grumpy. In fact, I have had one of the worst days ever. I'm in debt, my phone got shut off, and I had to cancel some weekend plans. I need to let out some hate before it spills out of me and messes up my rug and my roommate has to clean it and my landlord gets mad and says, "what the hell is this all over the rug?" and my roommate is like "I dunno, it just spilled out" and my landlord is like "well you better clean it up" and my roommate is like "F U, you clean it up, you're the landlord" and"I'm getting off track. Here it is, the Famous Hate List"now more than ever.
-MINE:
-Late Graders: One day in late May, Prof. Asshead was walking down the street. "Hmmm," he thought to himself, "I really should get those finals graded"but I think I'll wait another two weeks." Listen up, you taint, I didn't sit in your boring class for four months and hand in your stupid papers on time and take your stupid final for you to take your sweet ass time grading everything. Oh God, I feel so bad for you. You must have a lot to do like take the entire summer off and hang out around your house"What a horrible job! Not to mention the huge stress of teaching 2 classes a week during the semester! Why don't you get your foot out of your ass and grade my damn final so I can see if I'm going to have a good summer or a bad one, you ass"I Hate You!
-Ash Can Sam- I smoke"I smoke a lot more than I should. However, I am considerate with my cigarette ash. There is a whole tribe of people who are not as nice as me. These punks will put a cigarette in anything"and I mean anything: a slice of pizza, a full beer, your carpet, etc"Hey gouch, I don't care if you come aver my house and smoke cigarettes, but at least have the courtesy to dispose of them in a gentlemanly manner. I don't want to open the milk in my fridge and find 3 parliament lights floating around in it. I have no desire to fluff my pillow and have a cloud of filthy ash come rolling out. Have some fucking class, dirtbag"I Hate You!
-Mr. Kutcher: We all know that Ashton Kutcher started the trucker hat phenomena. He had a whole generation of young women with pert breasts going, "I want to look like the guys that want to molest me!" And, we all know that the trucker hat is dead and gone which leaves us without a popular headpiece to bind us together as a people"as a nation"as human beings. Thankfully, I see a new asshole everyday who thinks he (it's always a guy, girls have more sense) is the new herald of the hat wearing set. This jackass thinks he will be ahead of the game and get into the "new" hat craze before everyone else. Oh, don't you just look exquisite in your white fedora! And that newsboy cap; it really brings out your idiocy! Hey retard, things aren't popular until everyone starts to do them so when you show up at the party with a tri-corner, American Revlution-era hat, you just look stupid"I Hate You!
-YOURS:
-Reader Ellen B. really hates: The poser stoner - you're the assclown walking around campus wearing a pop-punk band t-shirt, a hemp necklace, & throw back skater shoes. What are you? A walking ad for Pacific Sunwear?! You let it be known that you're down with the reefer. 311 is of course your favorite band of all time...who's got the herb? ME, BITCH! You're the jerk off who has no connections and is always bumming people's bowls cause you don't own one yourself! Then, after you get ripped off of someone else's bud you fall asleep somewhere inconvenient while everyone else is tripping over your sorry ass cause the party is still going on! Its only 11:30 you penis wrinkle! why don't you pull your head outta your ass and hit this gravity bong...oh wait, nevermind. You can't do that. cause I HATE YOU!
-Reader Jason K. Really hates: The MSN users who put their life story in their nicknames: I hate it when people sign-in with names like: "I'm really sad today" or "12 hour work day ahead :(", or better yet "I'm eating a yummy muffin!". You know what, I don't give a fuck why you're sad today or that you're eating a goddamn muffin! Your stupid cries for attention wont get me to talk to you so why don't you switch back to your old nicknames like "roxychick24" or "sk8rgirl16". At least now I'll now who you are instead of having to memorize your email. I HATE YOU!
-Reader Leanne F. really hates: The unfun drunk who sits there judging you for being wasted and sloppy. Guess what? I've just had a pint of bacardi. I don't know my name, I don't know your name, and I'm pretty sure I don't know what the fuck is going on. Correction: I DONT know what the fuck is going on. SO don't sit there saying to others that I am a sketchy bitch. If you want sketchy, I can come to your house when you are sleeping and pull out each hair out of your head. And I will laugh. So do yourself a favor, take a valium or a perc and calm the fuck down. Don't go to a party where there is alcohol and talk shit. Because the empty alcohol bottle will be shoved up your ass. Cuz I really hate you.
-Reader Leigh J. really hates: The person that insists that their hometown is the most exclusive, wealthiest place in the US. They often jump into conversations by beginning sentences with "Well......where I come from..." If it is so great there, why the fuck did you leave?! I don't care if you were captain of the sailing team and I don't believe you when you act like you don't understand what fast food is. Don't pretend to be annoyed by the supposed wealth you are surrounded by at home with phrases such as "oh it is soooo ridiculous." I don't care that your friends are so rich that they can afford multiple abortions or that you really miss going to Neiman's after school. Buy a fucking clue and realize that you go to the same state school as the rest of us and no matter how much money you have it won't change the fact that you can't form a complete sentence or that everyone thinks you are an annoying bitch........I hate you.
-Leigh also hates: The Beer-Counter Historian: Similar to the guy that keeps track of how much everyone else has had to drink, but this type of beer-counter apparently decides that he isn't enough of a douche so he keeps track of everyone's drinking habits throughout the semester. "I remember that time we met, I had like 12 beers that night! What did you have...like 7? I don't remember exactly.." I don't remember either--- maybe because i don't give a shit! Drinking beer isn't hard, and it doesn't merit keeping score or becoming a competition. Drinking beer is easy! And in fact, the more you drink the easier it gets! So don't expect me to lick your asshole because you can have twelve beers and still be able to remember how much i had to drink at that house party on Halloween. I HATE YOU!
-Finally, My Dog Humphrey really hates: Bees. Everyday I go out in the yard and try to eat them, but they always get away. How can I resist taking a snap at those little yellow guys flying around the garden? Sometimes I can catch one in my mouth, but then I get stung. I don't really know why I want to eat Bees so much, but I do"I think"I also like to eat socks"and grass"and poop"and I like to pee on things and bark at squirrels"what was I talking about? Hey"I bet I could like myself here"YES! YES I can!
-This has been another edition of the Famous Hate List compiled by me and written, partly, by you. Have fun this summer and remember; Don't drink and drive"make your mom come get you like she said she would if you were ever drunk and couldn't drive! Take Care!
-If you have some hate, email it to me at suxatlife@hotmail.com and you can see it online!
-MINE:
-Late Graders: One day in late May, Prof. Asshead was walking down the street. "Hmmm," he thought to himself, "I really should get those finals graded"but I think I'll wait another two weeks." Listen up, you taint, I didn't sit in your boring class for four months and hand in your stupid papers on time and take your stupid final for you to take your sweet ass time grading everything. Oh God, I feel so bad for you. You must have a lot to do like take the entire summer off and hang out around your house"What a horrible job! Not to mention the huge stress of teaching 2 classes a week during the semester! Why don't you get your foot out of your ass and grade my damn final so I can see if I'm going to have a good summer or a bad one, you ass"I Hate You!
-Ash Can Sam- I smoke"I smoke a lot more than I should. However, I am considerate with my cigarette ash. There is a whole tribe of people who are not as nice as me. These punks will put a cigarette in anything"and I mean anything: a slice of pizza, a full beer, your carpet, etc"Hey gouch, I don't care if you come aver my house and smoke cigarettes, but at least have the courtesy to dispose of them in a gentlemanly manner. I don't want to open the milk in my fridge and find 3 parliament lights floating around in it. I have no desire to fluff my pillow and have a cloud of filthy ash come rolling out. Have some fucking class, dirtbag"I Hate You!
-Mr. Kutcher: We all know that Ashton Kutcher started the trucker hat phenomena. He had a whole generation of young women with pert breasts going, "I want to look like the guys that want to molest me!" And, we all know that the trucker hat is dead and gone which leaves us without a popular headpiece to bind us together as a people"as a nation"as human beings. Thankfully, I see a new asshole everyday who thinks he (it's always a guy, girls have more sense) is the new herald of the hat wearing set. This jackass thinks he will be ahead of the game and get into the "new" hat craze before everyone else. Oh, don't you just look exquisite in your white fedora! And that newsboy cap; it really brings out your idiocy! Hey retard, things aren't popular until everyone starts to do them so when you show up at the party with a tri-corner, American Revlution-era hat, you just look stupid"I Hate You!
-YOURS:
-Reader Ellen B. really hates: The poser stoner - you're the assclown walking around campus wearing a pop-punk band t-shirt, a hemp necklace, & throw back skater shoes. What are you? A walking ad for Pacific Sunwear?! You let it be known that you're down with the reefer. 311 is of course your favorite band of all time...who's got the herb? ME, BITCH! You're the jerk off who has no connections and is always bumming people's bowls cause you don't own one yourself! Then, after you get ripped off of someone else's bud you fall asleep somewhere inconvenient while everyone else is tripping over your sorry ass cause the party is still going on! Its only 11:30 you penis wrinkle! why don't you pull your head outta your ass and hit this gravity bong...oh wait, nevermind. You can't do that. cause I HATE YOU!
-Reader Jason K. Really hates: The MSN users who put their life story in their nicknames: I hate it when people sign-in with names like: "I'm really sad today" or "12 hour work day ahead :(", or better yet "I'm eating a yummy muffin!". You know what, I don't give a fuck why you're sad today or that you're eating a goddamn muffin! Your stupid cries for attention wont get me to talk to you so why don't you switch back to your old nicknames like "roxychick24" or "sk8rgirl16". At least now I'll now who you are instead of having to memorize your email. I HATE YOU!
-Reader Leanne F. really hates: The unfun drunk who sits there judging you for being wasted and sloppy. Guess what? I've just had a pint of bacardi. I don't know my name, I don't know your name, and I'm pretty sure I don't know what the fuck is going on. Correction: I DONT know what the fuck is going on. SO don't sit there saying to others that I am a sketchy bitch. If you want sketchy, I can come to your house when you are sleeping and pull out each hair out of your head. And I will laugh. So do yourself a favor, take a valium or a perc and calm the fuck down. Don't go to a party where there is alcohol and talk shit. Because the empty alcohol bottle will be shoved up your ass. Cuz I really hate you.
-Reader Leigh J. really hates: The person that insists that their hometown is the most exclusive, wealthiest place in the US. They often jump into conversations by beginning sentences with "Well......where I come from..." If it is so great there, why the fuck did you leave?! I don't care if you were captain of the sailing team and I don't believe you when you act like you don't understand what fast food is. Don't pretend to be annoyed by the supposed wealth you are surrounded by at home with phrases such as "oh it is soooo ridiculous." I don't care that your friends are so rich that they can afford multiple abortions or that you really miss going to Neiman's after school. Buy a fucking clue and realize that you go to the same state school as the rest of us and no matter how much money you have it won't change the fact that you can't form a complete sentence or that everyone thinks you are an annoying bitch........I hate you.
-Leigh also hates: The Beer-Counter Historian: Similar to the guy that keeps track of how much everyone else has had to drink, but this type of beer-counter apparently decides that he isn't enough of a douche so he keeps track of everyone's drinking habits throughout the semester. "I remember that time we met, I had like 12 beers that night! What did you have...like 7? I don't remember exactly.." I don't remember either--- maybe because i don't give a shit! Drinking beer isn't hard, and it doesn't merit keeping score or becoming a competition. Drinking beer is easy! And in fact, the more you drink the easier it gets! So don't expect me to lick your asshole because you can have twelve beers and still be able to remember how much i had to drink at that house party on Halloween. I HATE YOU!
-Finally, My Dog Humphrey really hates: Bees. Everyday I go out in the yard and try to eat them, but they always get away. How can I resist taking a snap at those little yellow guys flying around the garden? Sometimes I can catch one in my mouth, but then I get stung. I don't really know why I want to eat Bees so much, but I do"I think"I also like to eat socks"and grass"and poop"and I like to pee on things and bark at squirrels"what was I talking about? Hey"I bet I could like myself here"YES! YES I can!
-This has been another edition of the Famous Hate List compiled by me and written, partly, by you. Have fun this summer and remember; Don't drink and drive"make your mom come get you like she said she would if you were ever drunk and couldn't drive! Take Care!
-If you have some hate, email it to me at suxatlife@hotmail.com and you can see it online!
"Modern World, Ancient King" by King Henry VII of England
Modern World, Ancient King
By King Henry VII of England
An Evening At McDonalds
-Good tidings, loyal subjects. It is not likely to see a great King, such as myself, humble himself before the works of man. Why for was I granted my seat by divine providence if I am not able to carry out my office in a kingly way? So, I must come before you, great peoples of America, and admit to you that I have not the constitution or intellect to understand a local eatery which peppers your shores.
-I have recently been on a diplomatic expedition to the township of Dayton in the principality of Ohio. A fine place it was, but soon I grew weary of the road. Finding myself famished, I aroused my humble manservant, Plinny, and bade him find me an acceptable venue for a feast. After quite a spell, Plinny settled on an establishment named after what I thought was the ancient Scottish family of McDonald.
-Plinny suggested that not only was this McDonalds able to accommodate the royal feasting party, but it was also quite reasonable in respect to price (a merry fact considering the state of the royal treasury at present what with the rebellion in Wales and those dastardly French at it again!). So affordable was this establishment pleaded Plinny, that it has even displayed a "dollar menu." A "dollar's" value I know not against the Dubloon or even the Drachma. But Plinny suggested that a "dollar" was roughly equivelant to a farthing and two-pence. Delighted I was indeed.
-However, my delight was not to last. As I entered the establishment, I was horrified to find that the proprietor was not a member of the Scottish McDonald clan, but a mere jester! A white-faced buffoon, with striped pantaloons and a scramble of other-worldy beings called Grimmas and The Fry Guys constantly at his beckon call. Who on earth granted a charter to operate an eatery to a jester? Far be it from me to insult the art of comedy (I am a man who has been known to enjoy the stylings of a clown in my court), but jesters are not meant to operate eateries! This outrage would never have sat idle in England for long; McDonald would have had his neck stretched in the tower dungeon!
-Why, this McDonald, who prefers to be known by his forename of "Ronald" even associates with a known thief; some detestable wretch know as the Hamburglar! His menacing call of "rabble rabble" struck fear into the hearts of my most courageous courtiers, I regret to tell. I feared for the royal purse until I came by the knowledge that this Hamburglar is only interested in the thieving of meat and not the currency of man. Why, he should be tried for sneak-thievery and have his thumbs screwed!
-But hunger overcame my general revulsion of this establishment and the royal feasting party shuffled idly along to the banqueting area. Luckily, I had brought my own accoutrements to dress the table since McDonalds had not the necessary linens for a King. What kind of banqueting hall does not keep in its stores a purple and golden table-sheet? I even bade Plinny to bring in my throne from the Horseless-carriage, for McDonalds had but "plastic" thrones adorned in the paste of the tomato which I feared would muss my royal robe.
-The royal party waited patiently for our feast to be brought to us by pageboys, but alas, nothing came and my hunger grew more intense with every passing moment. This Ronald McDonald did not even present himself at our table to entertain us with his comedy whilst we waited for the kitchen maids to prepare our feast. What sort of jester is this McDonald fellow?
-Fearing for my composure and on the advice of the royal surgeon, I sent Plinny to inquire as to the whereabouts of our feast. He returned after quite some time with a full knowledge of this dire situation.
"Plinny, could you have been more timely in your reconosaince?" I inquired.
"I am dreadfully sorry, your royal highness," Plinny replied, "but the servant at the counter spoke half the language of the English and half that of the Spanish."
"How curious indeed. But where, do tell, is our feast?"
"The servant bestowed on me the knowledge that each member of the party must approach him and beckon his desired choice of entre from the glowing menu partitioned against the wall, Sire."
-Well, I am not a peasant that must request my food from a servant. I am a King! I will not humble myself to some peon just to secure sustenance! I am in the habit of being presented with food in my banqueting chamber: guinny fowl, wild boar, roast duck patte, Cornish hen, this is what I desired. But Plinny informed me that McDonald was only prepared to serve the meat of the cow and hen"peasant food. Alas, Plinny could not even identify what sort of oceanic fish was used to prepare the Fillet-o-fish!
-Growing tired of this establishment, I demanded the party pack my royal table-sheet and throne back into our horseless carriage. I have never been so outraged in my life and I was in the right mind to declare a war of the principality of Ohio! I could have the fleet roused and battle ready by mid-summer! Luckily for Ohio, Plinny reminded me that these were a backward people, unaccustomed to the likes of Kings. This being said, I exited that accursed establishment, never to grace its filthy walls with my royal presence again.
-May the Lord be thanked, for by his providence Plinny spied another establishment run by a monastic sect named "Thank God It's Fridays." This was a much more suitable establishment for the likes of a King. I was treated to a fine local cuisine known as "Jalapeno Poppers" after which I cooled my seething tongue with a blue-hued ale know as a "Friday's Freaky Blue Margarita." How Joyous! Why, the servants even knelt down at my throne when I placed with him my order. These servants are in the custom of attending to royalty! I finished off this delicious meal with a treat of frozen sow's milk topped with some sort of nut paste known as "Reese's Peanut Butter Blast Sunday"; I must declare my mouth has never been affronted with such a symphony of flavor. The servants even sang a delightful song to celebrate Plinny's 24th birthday and presented him with a desert topped by a flaming wax candle. Minstrel servants"I must acquire some for my court upon my return to England!
By King Henry VII of England
An Evening At McDonalds
-Good tidings, loyal subjects. It is not likely to see a great King, such as myself, humble himself before the works of man. Why for was I granted my seat by divine providence if I am not able to carry out my office in a kingly way? So, I must come before you, great peoples of America, and admit to you that I have not the constitution or intellect to understand a local eatery which peppers your shores.
-I have recently been on a diplomatic expedition to the township of Dayton in the principality of Ohio. A fine place it was, but soon I grew weary of the road. Finding myself famished, I aroused my humble manservant, Plinny, and bade him find me an acceptable venue for a feast. After quite a spell, Plinny settled on an establishment named after what I thought was the ancient Scottish family of McDonald.
-Plinny suggested that not only was this McDonalds able to accommodate the royal feasting party, but it was also quite reasonable in respect to price (a merry fact considering the state of the royal treasury at present what with the rebellion in Wales and those dastardly French at it again!). So affordable was this establishment pleaded Plinny, that it has even displayed a "dollar menu." A "dollar's" value I know not against the Dubloon or even the Drachma. But Plinny suggested that a "dollar" was roughly equivelant to a farthing and two-pence. Delighted I was indeed.
-However, my delight was not to last. As I entered the establishment, I was horrified to find that the proprietor was not a member of the Scottish McDonald clan, but a mere jester! A white-faced buffoon, with striped pantaloons and a scramble of other-worldy beings called Grimmas and The Fry Guys constantly at his beckon call. Who on earth granted a charter to operate an eatery to a jester? Far be it from me to insult the art of comedy (I am a man who has been known to enjoy the stylings of a clown in my court), but jesters are not meant to operate eateries! This outrage would never have sat idle in England for long; McDonald would have had his neck stretched in the tower dungeon!
-Why, this McDonald, who prefers to be known by his forename of "Ronald" even associates with a known thief; some detestable wretch know as the Hamburglar! His menacing call of "rabble rabble" struck fear into the hearts of my most courageous courtiers, I regret to tell. I feared for the royal purse until I came by the knowledge that this Hamburglar is only interested in the thieving of meat and not the currency of man. Why, he should be tried for sneak-thievery and have his thumbs screwed!
-But hunger overcame my general revulsion of this establishment and the royal feasting party shuffled idly along to the banqueting area. Luckily, I had brought my own accoutrements to dress the table since McDonalds had not the necessary linens for a King. What kind of banqueting hall does not keep in its stores a purple and golden table-sheet? I even bade Plinny to bring in my throne from the Horseless-carriage, for McDonalds had but "plastic" thrones adorned in the paste of the tomato which I feared would muss my royal robe.
-The royal party waited patiently for our feast to be brought to us by pageboys, but alas, nothing came and my hunger grew more intense with every passing moment. This Ronald McDonald did not even present himself at our table to entertain us with his comedy whilst we waited for the kitchen maids to prepare our feast. What sort of jester is this McDonald fellow?
-Fearing for my composure and on the advice of the royal surgeon, I sent Plinny to inquire as to the whereabouts of our feast. He returned after quite some time with a full knowledge of this dire situation.
"Plinny, could you have been more timely in your reconosaince?" I inquired.
"I am dreadfully sorry, your royal highness," Plinny replied, "but the servant at the counter spoke half the language of the English and half that of the Spanish."
"How curious indeed. But where, do tell, is our feast?"
"The servant bestowed on me the knowledge that each member of the party must approach him and beckon his desired choice of entre from the glowing menu partitioned against the wall, Sire."
-Well, I am not a peasant that must request my food from a servant. I am a King! I will not humble myself to some peon just to secure sustenance! I am in the habit of being presented with food in my banqueting chamber: guinny fowl, wild boar, roast duck patte, Cornish hen, this is what I desired. But Plinny informed me that McDonald was only prepared to serve the meat of the cow and hen"peasant food. Alas, Plinny could not even identify what sort of oceanic fish was used to prepare the Fillet-o-fish!
-Growing tired of this establishment, I demanded the party pack my royal table-sheet and throne back into our horseless carriage. I have never been so outraged in my life and I was in the right mind to declare a war of the principality of Ohio! I could have the fleet roused and battle ready by mid-summer! Luckily for Ohio, Plinny reminded me that these were a backward people, unaccustomed to the likes of Kings. This being said, I exited that accursed establishment, never to grace its filthy walls with my royal presence again.
-May the Lord be thanked, for by his providence Plinny spied another establishment run by a monastic sect named "Thank God It's Fridays." This was a much more suitable establishment for the likes of a King. I was treated to a fine local cuisine known as "Jalapeno Poppers" after which I cooled my seething tongue with a blue-hued ale know as a "Friday's Freaky Blue Margarita." How Joyous! Why, the servants even knelt down at my throne when I placed with him my order. These servants are in the custom of attending to royalty! I finished off this delicious meal with a treat of frozen sow's milk topped with some sort of nut paste known as "Reese's Peanut Butter Blast Sunday"; I must declare my mouth has never been affronted with such a symphony of flavor. The servants even sang a delightful song to celebrate Plinny's 24th birthday and presented him with a desert topped by a flaming wax candle. Minstrel servants"I must acquire some for my court upon my return to England!
Streeter's Fun Facts
-I know a lot of stuff. Trust me, I read every day, for at least an hour, on the toilet. And while the Loo, as some might say, is not the most serene location for learning, it certainly suits me well. Whenever my roommate says, "Dude, what are you doing in there?" I just reply, "Learning, my friend. Learning." So, it is with great pride that I bring some of my knowledge to you; straight from the toilet and into your heads"These are Streeter's fun facts.
-1. Smoking makes you run fast. I'll try to explain this as simply as I can; the carbon dioxcide crystalline alkaloid that forms in the interior lining of the vascular lung when inhaling the burnt sinews of reticulum tabacconis is actually a bi-partisan regulator to the filibuster gland making, of course, the oxidation simplex congregate in the carotid tissues repeat twice over the trajectory and tempo of the arteries. I hope that makes this clear, but if not, just watch a smoker when they run out of cigarettes and the store is about to close. They'll be moving like a rocket.
-2. Love handles are attractive. It's true. I would know, I have been growing mine since I was 12 and, even after all these years, my hand is still very attracted to my genitals.
-3. Farting is God's little joke. If there is one thing in the world that everyone finds funny, whether they acknowledge it or not, it's farting. That is God's way of keeping us from taking ourselves too seriously. Everybody since the beginning of time has, at one point or another, cut one and just laughed themselves stupid. How could anyone have listened to Hitler and taken him seriously when they knew that he farted every day? Not to mention he was a total fuck, too.
-4. Native Americans secretly call each other Indians when no one is around.
-5. I cannot touch my toes. From a young age, my back has been tighter than Martha Stewart's asshole. When it came time to do the sit and reach in gym class, I was, year after year, humiliated in front of my peers when I failed to even reach the bar. This shame, this indignity has followed me throughout my life and I fear it will be the cause of my death"damn you Mr. Roberti!!! DAMN YOU!!!!
-6. Your sister hates you. Yeah, she told me. No, she'll never forgive you for throwing her in the pool when you were younger. Yeah, I know she's family"but she still hates you. Deal with it.
-7. Danny Glover is to be trusted on all matters. If there is one man that, just by looks and voice alone, stands for reason and integrity, it is Danny Glover. You know him as a loyal and aging police officer but he is so much more"so much. I would buy anything Danny Glover is selling without a whiff of doubt. Hell, I'd eat anything he told me to or lick him wherever he wanted. That's how much I trust him.
-8. Men I'd go a little gay for. Brad Pitt. Johnny Depp (as long as he wore the pirate costume). Rosie O'Donnell. John Cusak.
*PS. I said a little gay"like a backrub or maybe a little peck on the cheek"that's all.
-9. George W. Bush is a horrible president. Do people really still think this guy is a good leader? Yeah, we've all been having a swell time since we went to Iraq. Just ask that guy who just had his head sawed off. Oh wait, he had his head sawed off. Thanks Dubya. To quote Jeanne Garafalo, "At this point, voting for Bush is a character flaw." Well said.
-10. The Panda bear isn't really a panda at all, it is a bear.
What do you say we take in a Yankees game on Saturday Mary-Kate? I've got tickets...
Fall 2004 Course Catalogue II
-Summer is here which means before you know it, summer will be over and it'll be time to go back to school. In case you didn't see the classes you like in my first course catalogue, here are some more.
-RESU 1002-013 Herbal Medicine: Prof. Beall
This class is not about pot. It is not about how to grow pot. It is not about different ways to smoke pot or pot's supposed medical "uses." This class is about ginseng and stuff like that. Get it, hippie?
*Focus: NOT pot.
*Required Texts: "Get Off the Couch, Stoner" Lincoln, Joshua 2002
-MSDU 2565-001 Who Farted?; the Age Old Question: Prof. Plusone
Was it the guy behind you in line? Was it your boyfriend? Was it really the dog this time? These and many other questions will be answered in this open course. Extra Credit symposium: The Dutch people and their oven making techniques.
*Focus: Smelling it and dealing it; the eternal connection
*Required Text: "Poop's Stinky Cousin" O'Connor, Daniel 1998
"He Who Replied Didn't Always Supply; the Dangers of False Blame" Buxton, Benjamin 1993
-AMRU 1515-001 Gatorade: Many Colors, One Taste: Prof. Westall
This sophomore class takes a look at the phenomenon that is Gatorade. Why, if there are so many colors, does it all taste the same? Is Fruit Punch any different from Extremo Mango? Why does it taste a little like eurine? These questions and many more will be answered.
*Focus: Supplying "ade" to the gators.
*Required Texts: "No, It's Not Pee; the History of the Sports Drink." Gavin, Hunter 2001
"The Ades Crisis; Dehydration in Sports." Yenco, Chris 2000
-SPRM 2021-002 Oh Shit!; STDs at College: Prof. Thomas
Oh my god, what the hell is that? Was that there yesterday? Jesus, it's getting bigger. It itches like hell. What should I do? Should I call my boyfriend? Then he'll know about Jake. Oh my God, I hope it's nothing serious. Guest lecture by Motley Crue's Tommy Lee entitled, "I've Had em All."
*Focus: Oops-ee-daisies/one nighters and the walk of shame.
*Required Texts: "Dude, What Does That Look Like To you" Mullowney, Timothy 1972
"Itchy and Bitchy; The Morning After" Tyler, Vanessa 1979
-GMSU 1000-001 Smoking: Is it Still Cool?: Prof. Lee
Smoking has always been cool for high schoolers, but is it still cool in College? Take an exciting ride through the pros and cons of smoking in your late teens and early twenties with this progressive class. Yellow teeth, bad breath, no money = cool?
*Focus: I hate to ask, but can I bum a smoke off you?
*Required Texts: "FeBreeze, Your Only Friend" Marmaduke, Wendell 2000
"Everybody Likes a Winner; Tobacco Companies and the Courts" Hartford, Riley 2004
-CHTU 1001-003 Eastern Philosophy and Other Bullshit: Prof. Tickle
Do you like talking about stuff but not actually doing anything? Then this class is for you. Take an exciting journey through eastern philosophy so you can sound smart and worldly at your next dinner party. Wow guests with such phrases as "while I do see your point, Eastern Malaysian philosophy states that the best way to avoid conflict is by confronting your inner chi through meditation."
*Focus: Being a self-righteous assbag
*Required Texts: "Screw Jesus"Here's Buddah!" Bentson, Hubert 2000
"LOOK AT ME: Satisfying Your Ego" Issac, Tiffany 1997
-RESU 1002-013 Herbal Medicine: Prof. Beall
This class is not about pot. It is not about how to grow pot. It is not about different ways to smoke pot or pot's supposed medical "uses." This class is about ginseng and stuff like that. Get it, hippie?
*Focus: NOT pot.
*Required Texts: "Get Off the Couch, Stoner" Lincoln, Joshua 2002
-MSDU 2565-001 Who Farted?; the Age Old Question: Prof. Plusone
Was it the guy behind you in line? Was it your boyfriend? Was it really the dog this time? These and many other questions will be answered in this open course. Extra Credit symposium: The Dutch people and their oven making techniques.
*Focus: Smelling it and dealing it; the eternal connection
*Required Text: "Poop's Stinky Cousin" O'Connor, Daniel 1998
"He Who Replied Didn't Always Supply; the Dangers of False Blame" Buxton, Benjamin 1993
-AMRU 1515-001 Gatorade: Many Colors, One Taste: Prof. Westall
This sophomore class takes a look at the phenomenon that is Gatorade. Why, if there are so many colors, does it all taste the same? Is Fruit Punch any different from Extremo Mango? Why does it taste a little like eurine? These questions and many more will be answered.
*Focus: Supplying "ade" to the gators.
*Required Texts: "No, It's Not Pee; the History of the Sports Drink." Gavin, Hunter 2001
"The Ades Crisis; Dehydration in Sports." Yenco, Chris 2000
-SPRM 2021-002 Oh Shit!; STDs at College: Prof. Thomas
Oh my god, what the hell is that? Was that there yesterday? Jesus, it's getting bigger. It itches like hell. What should I do? Should I call my boyfriend? Then he'll know about Jake. Oh my God, I hope it's nothing serious. Guest lecture by Motley Crue's Tommy Lee entitled, "I've Had em All."
*Focus: Oops-ee-daisies/one nighters and the walk of shame.
*Required Texts: "Dude, What Does That Look Like To you" Mullowney, Timothy 1972
"Itchy and Bitchy; The Morning After" Tyler, Vanessa 1979
-GMSU 1000-001 Smoking: Is it Still Cool?: Prof. Lee
Smoking has always been cool for high schoolers, but is it still cool in College? Take an exciting ride through the pros and cons of smoking in your late teens and early twenties with this progressive class. Yellow teeth, bad breath, no money = cool?
*Focus: I hate to ask, but can I bum a smoke off you?
*Required Texts: "FeBreeze, Your Only Friend" Marmaduke, Wendell 2000
"Everybody Likes a Winner; Tobacco Companies and the Courts" Hartford, Riley 2004
-CHTU 1001-003 Eastern Philosophy and Other Bullshit: Prof. Tickle
Do you like talking about stuff but not actually doing anything? Then this class is for you. Take an exciting journey through eastern philosophy so you can sound smart and worldly at your next dinner party. Wow guests with such phrases as "while I do see your point, Eastern Malaysian philosophy states that the best way to avoid conflict is by confronting your inner chi through meditation."
*Focus: Being a self-righteous assbag
*Required Texts: "Screw Jesus"Here's Buddah!" Bentson, Hubert 2000
"LOOK AT ME: Satisfying Your Ego" Issac, Tiffany 1997
A Letter To My Mom
-Dear Mom,
-Happy Mother's Day! I just wanted to write and let you know how much I love you. I guess I don't need a special day to say it, but the guards only let me write one letter a month and I figured I'd save it for Mother's day.
-I hope things are well with you. I know since the hurricane you've had some problems with that hole in the trailer roof, but I'm sure "uncle" Buddy can fix it. He's always been great with duct tape and spare pieces of metal. Remember when he fixed Dad's 1981 Camero after that hit and run? Speaking of Dad, I saw him in the rec yard the other day. He said to say "Hi" and that his lawyer is working to get his charges dropped to manslaughter by the new year. He's in solitary right now for shanking a guard, but he'll be out in a few weeks and you can write him then.
-How is work at the Wal-Mart? Being the greeter is an esteemed honor, or so I'm told. You brighten each person's day when they come through those doors. I bet you like being the greeter a lot more than you liked working in the BB Gun department. BTW, did you ever get that BB out of your eye?
-Your daughter is doing well. I saw her 2 days ago at the annual prisoner/re-hab center dance. She couldn't really talk that much because of the restraints, but her parole officer said she is making a lot of headway on her meth habit and should be clean by 2007!!! I can't wait to have the family all back together again.
-Did the family of that kid I stabbed ever call? Just wondering.
-Oh, I remember what I wanted to tell you. I spent all winter making you a nice diorama from rocks I picked up in the prison yard, but just the other day this guy called Slice (who's doing 10-15 for aggravated assault with a deadly weapon) said he liked it so much that he had to sodomize me with it. I couldn't go and send it to you after that! Oh well, boys will be boys.
-How is the car? Did Grandma ever find out that I boosted it from her or does she still think the Hispanic kids next door stole it? Oh Grandma! Wish her a happy Mother's Day for me too.
-I was so sorry to hear that you lost your part time job as a bus driver for the local elementary school. You really needed that money, what with "uncle" Buddy's wife finding out about you and all. What do those board of ed people know anyway"you weren't drunk, you just took some NyQuil because you had a cold! Those kids at the bus stop should have been quicker on their feet anyways. You remember when Dad tried to run me over for stealing his chewing tobacco when I was 6? I got out of the way, why couldn't they?
-Well, it's time for showers and I know I need one. They haven't let me in there since I "made friends" with that new guy two weeks ago. He should be out of the infirmary in a few days and I'll make sure to send him a nice bag of PCP as a peace offering. Ok, Mom, I love you so much. Thank you for being there for me through the trial and the conviction and all that other crazy stuff. I miss you a lot and, with any luck, I'll be paroled when Dad is and we'll all be back together again.
-Happy Mother's Day, you're always on my mind. Love, New York State Federal Prisoner #192-009-02746"AKA, your loving son, Streeter
-Happy Mother's Day! I just wanted to write and let you know how much I love you. I guess I don't need a special day to say it, but the guards only let me write one letter a month and I figured I'd save it for Mother's day.
-I hope things are well with you. I know since the hurricane you've had some problems with that hole in the trailer roof, but I'm sure "uncle" Buddy can fix it. He's always been great with duct tape and spare pieces of metal. Remember when he fixed Dad's 1981 Camero after that hit and run? Speaking of Dad, I saw him in the rec yard the other day. He said to say "Hi" and that his lawyer is working to get his charges dropped to manslaughter by the new year. He's in solitary right now for shanking a guard, but he'll be out in a few weeks and you can write him then.
-How is work at the Wal-Mart? Being the greeter is an esteemed honor, or so I'm told. You brighten each person's day when they come through those doors. I bet you like being the greeter a lot more than you liked working in the BB Gun department. BTW, did you ever get that BB out of your eye?
-Your daughter is doing well. I saw her 2 days ago at the annual prisoner/re-hab center dance. She couldn't really talk that much because of the restraints, but her parole officer said she is making a lot of headway on her meth habit and should be clean by 2007!!! I can't wait to have the family all back together again.
-Did the family of that kid I stabbed ever call? Just wondering.
-Oh, I remember what I wanted to tell you. I spent all winter making you a nice diorama from rocks I picked up in the prison yard, but just the other day this guy called Slice (who's doing 10-15 for aggravated assault with a deadly weapon) said he liked it so much that he had to sodomize me with it. I couldn't go and send it to you after that! Oh well, boys will be boys.
-How is the car? Did Grandma ever find out that I boosted it from her or does she still think the Hispanic kids next door stole it? Oh Grandma! Wish her a happy Mother's Day for me too.
-I was so sorry to hear that you lost your part time job as a bus driver for the local elementary school. You really needed that money, what with "uncle" Buddy's wife finding out about you and all. What do those board of ed people know anyway"you weren't drunk, you just took some NyQuil because you had a cold! Those kids at the bus stop should have been quicker on their feet anyways. You remember when Dad tried to run me over for stealing his chewing tobacco when I was 6? I got out of the way, why couldn't they?
-Well, it's time for showers and I know I need one. They haven't let me in there since I "made friends" with that new guy two weeks ago. He should be out of the infirmary in a few days and I'll make sure to send him a nice bag of PCP as a peace offering. Ok, Mom, I love you so much. Thank you for being there for me through the trial and the conviction and all that other crazy stuff. I miss you a lot and, with any luck, I'll be paroled when Dad is and we'll all be back together again.
-Happy Mother's Day, you're always on my mind. Love, New York State Federal Prisoner #192-009-02746"AKA, your loving son, Streeter
It's Time For a Mad Lib!
-Let's have some fun, shall we? And what better way to have fun than a mad lib? I don't know about you, but whenever I want to kick back and cut loose I get myself a Capri Sun, some raisins, and do a funny mad lib. So why not try mine out? (PS-Sunmaid makes the best raisins)
-Writing a Column
-Writing a column is hard (N)_______. Every day you have to think of new (Pl-N)________ to talk about. Some days, I just sit around with my (Body Part)________ up my (Body Part)________ and can't think of anything! But luckily there are some really (Adj)________ ways to overcome writer's block.
-One really (Adj)_________ way to beat writer's block is to think of a (N)________ you'd really like to (V)_________ on. Got one? Good. Now take that and run with it. Is there something about that (same N as before)_________ that really makes you (V)________? I hope so, because it's going to be a very boring (N)_________ if not. From this point, the (N)_________ should (V)_________ itself.
-But just incase you're having (N)__________, try (V ending in "ing")_________ your own (N)__________. Mmmmmm, that's good. I haven't (V past tense)_________ something that good since I (V past tense)__________ your (Family member)__________ last year. What do you mean that's wrong? I definitely did"it was right after your birthday.
-Anyways, all (V ending in "ing")__________ aside, I really hope I have helped you with your (V ending in "ing")_________. Nothing feels better than slapping a (Adj)_________ (N)__________ on your editor's (N)_________, still hot from the (N)_________ and getting a big (N)________ in return! Now, get out there and start (V ending in "ing")_________! Maybe you'll end up on collegehumor.com, like me. Or maybe you'll get your (N)_________ stuck in a (N)________? The possibilities are endless, my friends"endless.
-Do my mad lib and put off studying for another half hour or so! Your friend and cause of procrastination, Streeter
Mary-Kate, it's been forever since I first asked you to email me. Now, I know you'll be in NYC for SNL next week, why don't you invite me? Is that so much to ask?
-Writing a Column
-Writing a column is hard (N)_______. Every day you have to think of new (Pl-N)________ to talk about. Some days, I just sit around with my (Body Part)________ up my (Body Part)________ and can't think of anything! But luckily there are some really (Adj)________ ways to overcome writer's block.
-One really (Adj)_________ way to beat writer's block is to think of a (N)________ you'd really like to (V)_________ on. Got one? Good. Now take that and run with it. Is there something about that (same N as before)_________ that really makes you (V)________? I hope so, because it's going to be a very boring (N)_________ if not. From this point, the (N)_________ should (V)_________ itself.
-But just incase you're having (N)__________, try (V ending in "ing")_________ your own (N)__________. Mmmmmm, that's good. I haven't (V past tense)_________ something that good since I (V past tense)__________ your (Family member)__________ last year. What do you mean that's wrong? I definitely did"it was right after your birthday.
-Anyways, all (V ending in "ing")__________ aside, I really hope I have helped you with your (V ending in "ing")_________. Nothing feels better than slapping a (Adj)_________ (N)__________ on your editor's (N)_________, still hot from the (N)_________ and getting a big (N)________ in return! Now, get out there and start (V ending in "ing")_________! Maybe you'll end up on collegehumor.com, like me. Or maybe you'll get your (N)_________ stuck in a (N)________? The possibilities are endless, my friends"endless.
-Do my mad lib and put off studying for another half hour or so! Your friend and cause of procrastination, Streeter
Mary-Kate, it's been forever since I first asked you to email me. Now, I know you'll be in NYC for SNL next week, why don't you invite me? Is that so much to ask?
People You Hate VI
-I've got a question for you; what's tall, white, and hates you? Give up? ME! That's right folks, it's that time of the week again where we can all kick back, smile and tell the world who we hate. Go get the kids, it's time for another edition of the famous Hate List.
-MINE:
-Mr. Big Bite: I understand that food is essential to sustaining human life. I also understand that you would probably like a bite of my food. Furthermore, I appreciate that you asked for a bite instead of just taking one without permission. However, when I conceded and let you have a bite of my food, I was not aware you were going to press as much food as you possibly could into your mouth. Listen you fat piece of shit, when I say you can have a bite of my sandwich, I didn't want you to take a big fucking bite right out of the center. I don't want your slobbery drool all over my roast beef, you chubby fuck. Go buy your own goddamned food and stop pretending that all you want is a tiny morsel when you really want the whole enchilada, fat ass"I Hate You!
-Freddy Favor: ring ring ring. "Hello?" "Hey dude, it's me. Listen, can you do me a huge favor?" I would rather hear someone say "I just kidnapped your sister" than have someone ask for a huge favor. We all have this friend. You know, the one that will call you at 2 in the morning and say "Dude, sorry to wake you, but I left my bag at your house, could you do me a really big favor and bring it over here?" NO you lazy fuck. Why don't you come over here and get it, asshole? So, from now on, I won't give you ride home, I won't go buy beer for you, I won't answer your phone, and I won't pretend I like you anymore, you needy little bitch"I Hate You!
-Smelly Nelly: You're sitting in class, it's hot outside, and a strange odor hits you. "sniff sniff' What's that smell? Oh, I know what it is, it's you, you smelly shit. What is it about college that makes kids (boys especially) take pride in not showering. "Oh man, I haven't showered in, like, a week or two." Good for you, you filthy dirtbag. Your parents must be so happy to have a son that stinks like a bum's asshole and looks like a sweaty taint. I know it's a lot to ask, but drag your grimy body into the fucking shower and say goodbye to that head lice colony growing in your raggity mange, you disgusting sack of shit! Nobody thinks it's funny"I Hate You!
-YOURS:
-Reader John P. really hates: Punk kid(s): I can't stand the kid that says he hates N'sync and refuses to cooperate with authority because he won't conform to everyone else. I have news for you punk, nobody likes N'sync and most people don't cooperate much with authority figures. I don't mean to burst your bubble, but you're conforming along with every one else. Now, why don't you go put some more metal on your clothes"that'll scare em"I Hate You!
-Reader Paige S. really hates: annoying-as-hell engineers who seem to think that engineering and genius are synonymous. If I hear one more asswipe say, "you don't understand...I'M an engineer," I'll have to stab someone. My classes are just as hard as yours, snatch, and my professors don't curve our grades. If everyone in my thermo class gets a C, then everyone gets a C, unlike your pansy-ass class. What's that?? I wouldn't last a day in engineering, you say?? Not only would I last, but I'd ace that shit. It's not my fault that you're a bitter little nerd with no social life. Take your major and shove it, penis. I hate you!
-Reader Ashley M. really hates: The Unwanted-Answerers: These are the people who are just acquaintances, but feel it's necessary to tell you their life story when you ask them "how are you?" as you're passing them in the hall. If I don't know you well and ask you how you're doing all you need to say is good...whether you are good or not. There is no need to tell me that your goldfish died last night or that your herpes is flaring up and you aren't feeling so great or that your sister just came out as a lesbian. I don't give a shit! I asked you how you were to be nice, but then you have to go and be a douchebag and keep talking to me for 10 minutes about people I don't know and things I don't care about. Just SHUT THE FUCK UP and let me get to my next class! Ugh, I Hate You!
-Reader Juliann H. really hates: The Anti-popular music guy- This is the person who knew about every single band BEFORE they became popular. Any time you're either at your dorm or at a party and a new song comes on he makes it a point to say that "this band was so much better back when I saw them in '99, you know before they sold out and became just another MTV pawn." You know what? I don't really give a fuck. The reason why this band is on MTV so much now is because they have a good song and people like it. I don't give a shit about band politics or how they lost their individuality because they made pop song. Now take that better-than-thou attitude and shove it up your ass. I'm going go over there and dance to the new Outkast Cd like a good little lemming. I hate you!
(Streeter's Fun Facts: I did know about The Darkness before anyone else"believe that)
-Reader Jennifer B. really hates: Cell Phone Dramatists: I'm just sitting at the bus stop, minding my own business, when this jackass walks up right near me, nonchalantly jabbering away some useless bullshit on their cell phone about how they're really upset at how their boyfriend or girlfriend is so messed up, and how could they do that to me, I thought they cared for me, I swallowed his cum, he was inside of me, blah blah blah. It's all just whiny bullshit that could be solved by a quick, FUCK YOU you piece of shit, it's college, I'm gonna get over it. Second of all, I could give two shits about your personal life and you feel it necessary to broadcast it to me for the next 20 minutes on what should be a nice, quiet and peaceful ride home. NO ONE else on the bus is talking and yet you feel the need to tell your sob story to someone at 4 in the afternoon because well, the bus just seemed like the best place to tell it. This is the kind of shit that could give you an aneurism! Stick a dick back in your mouth and turn off the fucking phone! I HATE YOU!!
-Reader Kate J. really hates: The Narrator: I really fucking hate those people in the movie theater that feel the need to not only carry on a conversation with those they came with but do it at above normal levels during the movie. Not only that, they feel the need to scream at the screen itself. For example, I went to see Man on Fire, this girl kept screaming "oh no he didn't" and "kill that bitch". There's NO need for that. These are the people that if you SHHH them, which you better fucking believe I did, threaten your life. HELLO! Take a look at yourself! The best part of you ran down your mother's leg - I HATE YOU!
-Reader Patrick D. really hates: The fucking assbag at my local wawa (a convenience store who finds it necessary to freestyle while taking my order/making my sandwich/ringing me up. Listen up cock-burn, if P. Diddy or Lil John or some other marginally talented producer who finds his way into the background of every video on MTV comes into your store at 4am after a night of beer, pot, and whiskey and orders a meatball sub with mustard and pickles, feel free to let him "hear some fire". Until then shithead, find something that rhymes with I FUCKING HATE YOU!!!
-Finally, a reader who calls himself "Monk of the Shores" (whatever that means) really hates: The Keg Nazi -This is the extremely over-weight and sweaty guy at a house party who thinks he personally owns the keg and every drop of beer inside, when the fact is he doesn't live at the house and he's still asking "what the fuck are you doing here?" He's the guy who will be holding the tap and filling up all the girls he'll never talk to and his buddies, who are equally as ugly, first regardless of the fact you been standing there for twenty minutes asking him politely for a beer. I mean "fuckin give me a goddamn beer and get out of the fuckin way!!! And no you don't know how to pour a pint like a fuckin brew meister in Munich. Don't even try!!"...I HATE YOU.
-Delicious! I hope you have enjoyed this somewhat long edition of the famous Hate List. Come see us again next week; same time, same place, new hate!
-MINE:
-Mr. Big Bite: I understand that food is essential to sustaining human life. I also understand that you would probably like a bite of my food. Furthermore, I appreciate that you asked for a bite instead of just taking one without permission. However, when I conceded and let you have a bite of my food, I was not aware you were going to press as much food as you possibly could into your mouth. Listen you fat piece of shit, when I say you can have a bite of my sandwich, I didn't want you to take a big fucking bite right out of the center. I don't want your slobbery drool all over my roast beef, you chubby fuck. Go buy your own goddamned food and stop pretending that all you want is a tiny morsel when you really want the whole enchilada, fat ass"I Hate You!
-Freddy Favor: ring ring ring. "Hello?" "Hey dude, it's me. Listen, can you do me a huge favor?" I would rather hear someone say "I just kidnapped your sister" than have someone ask for a huge favor. We all have this friend. You know, the one that will call you at 2 in the morning and say "Dude, sorry to wake you, but I left my bag at your house, could you do me a really big favor and bring it over here?" NO you lazy fuck. Why don't you come over here and get it, asshole? So, from now on, I won't give you ride home, I won't go buy beer for you, I won't answer your phone, and I won't pretend I like you anymore, you needy little bitch"I Hate You!
-Smelly Nelly: You're sitting in class, it's hot outside, and a strange odor hits you. "sniff sniff' What's that smell? Oh, I know what it is, it's you, you smelly shit. What is it about college that makes kids (boys especially) take pride in not showering. "Oh man, I haven't showered in, like, a week or two." Good for you, you filthy dirtbag. Your parents must be so happy to have a son that stinks like a bum's asshole and looks like a sweaty taint. I know it's a lot to ask, but drag your grimy body into the fucking shower and say goodbye to that head lice colony growing in your raggity mange, you disgusting sack of shit! Nobody thinks it's funny"I Hate You!
-YOURS:
-Reader John P. really hates: Punk kid(s): I can't stand the kid that says he hates N'sync and refuses to cooperate with authority because he won't conform to everyone else. I have news for you punk, nobody likes N'sync and most people don't cooperate much with authority figures. I don't mean to burst your bubble, but you're conforming along with every one else. Now, why don't you go put some more metal on your clothes"that'll scare em"I Hate You!
-Reader Paige S. really hates: annoying-as-hell engineers who seem to think that engineering and genius are synonymous. If I hear one more asswipe say, "you don't understand...I'M an engineer," I'll have to stab someone. My classes are just as hard as yours, snatch, and my professors don't curve our grades. If everyone in my thermo class gets a C, then everyone gets a C, unlike your pansy-ass class. What's that?? I wouldn't last a day in engineering, you say?? Not only would I last, but I'd ace that shit. It's not my fault that you're a bitter little nerd with no social life. Take your major and shove it, penis. I hate you!
-Reader Ashley M. really hates: The Unwanted-Answerers: These are the people who are just acquaintances, but feel it's necessary to tell you their life story when you ask them "how are you?" as you're passing them in the hall. If I don't know you well and ask you how you're doing all you need to say is good...whether you are good or not. There is no need to tell me that your goldfish died last night or that your herpes is flaring up and you aren't feeling so great or that your sister just came out as a lesbian. I don't give a shit! I asked you how you were to be nice, but then you have to go and be a douchebag and keep talking to me for 10 minutes about people I don't know and things I don't care about. Just SHUT THE FUCK UP and let me get to my next class! Ugh, I Hate You!
-Reader Juliann H. really hates: The Anti-popular music guy- This is the person who knew about every single band BEFORE they became popular. Any time you're either at your dorm or at a party and a new song comes on he makes it a point to say that "this band was so much better back when I saw them in '99, you know before they sold out and became just another MTV pawn." You know what? I don't really give a fuck. The reason why this band is on MTV so much now is because they have a good song and people like it. I don't give a shit about band politics or how they lost their individuality because they made pop song. Now take that better-than-thou attitude and shove it up your ass. I'm going go over there and dance to the new Outkast Cd like a good little lemming. I hate you!
(Streeter's Fun Facts: I did know about The Darkness before anyone else"believe that)
-Reader Jennifer B. really hates: Cell Phone Dramatists: I'm just sitting at the bus stop, minding my own business, when this jackass walks up right near me, nonchalantly jabbering away some useless bullshit on their cell phone about how they're really upset at how their boyfriend or girlfriend is so messed up, and how could they do that to me, I thought they cared for me, I swallowed his cum, he was inside of me, blah blah blah. It's all just whiny bullshit that could be solved by a quick, FUCK YOU you piece of shit, it's college, I'm gonna get over it. Second of all, I could give two shits about your personal life and you feel it necessary to broadcast it to me for the next 20 minutes on what should be a nice, quiet and peaceful ride home. NO ONE else on the bus is talking and yet you feel the need to tell your sob story to someone at 4 in the afternoon because well, the bus just seemed like the best place to tell it. This is the kind of shit that could give you an aneurism! Stick a dick back in your mouth and turn off the fucking phone! I HATE YOU!!
-Reader Kate J. really hates: The Narrator: I really fucking hate those people in the movie theater that feel the need to not only carry on a conversation with those they came with but do it at above normal levels during the movie. Not only that, they feel the need to scream at the screen itself. For example, I went to see Man on Fire, this girl kept screaming "oh no he didn't" and "kill that bitch". There's NO need for that. These are the people that if you SHHH them, which you better fucking believe I did, threaten your life. HELLO! Take a look at yourself! The best part of you ran down your mother's leg - I HATE YOU!
-Reader Patrick D. really hates: The fucking assbag at my local wawa (a convenience store who finds it necessary to freestyle while taking my order/making my sandwich/ringing me up. Listen up cock-burn, if P. Diddy or Lil John or some other marginally talented producer who finds his way into the background of every video on MTV comes into your store at 4am after a night of beer, pot, and whiskey and orders a meatball sub with mustard and pickles, feel free to let him "hear some fire". Until then shithead, find something that rhymes with I FUCKING HATE YOU!!!
-Finally, a reader who calls himself "Monk of the Shores" (whatever that means) really hates: The Keg Nazi -This is the extremely over-weight and sweaty guy at a house party who thinks he personally owns the keg and every drop of beer inside, when the fact is he doesn't live at the house and he's still asking "what the fuck are you doing here?" He's the guy who will be holding the tap and filling up all the girls he'll never talk to and his buddies, who are equally as ugly, first regardless of the fact you been standing there for twenty minutes asking him politely for a beer. I mean "fuckin give me a goddamn beer and get out of the fuckin way!!! And no you don't know how to pour a pint like a fuckin brew meister in Munich. Don't even try!!"...I HATE YOU.
-Delicious! I hope you have enjoyed this somewhat long edition of the famous Hate List. Come see us again next week; same time, same place, new hate!
How To Pee In Public
-Summer is just around the corner and we all know what that means"It's time to pee outside. All winter, your poor genitals have been hidden from the elements; kept under zipper and button in their %60 cotton/%40 Polyester prisons. They have served their time and paid their debt to society so why not let them out on parole for the summer? Of course, peeing outside presents considerable problems: you could get caught, people could see your thingamajig (amazing that spell-check recognizes that word but not the word "rad""Get a clue Gates, get a clue), you might pee all over yourself, etc" But, lucky for you, I am here to teach you the many fool-proof ways to urinate outdoors without fear of reprisal or humiliation.
-GUYS:
-The Walk-n-Piss: This particular technique was pioneered by a young man named Tim Mullowney. This brave hero defied the conventional "stop-to-take-a-piss" thinking of our fathers and stood up for what he believed would be a quicker, more efficient way to urinate. While grasping his manhood, he confidently (if a little wobbly) strode down the sidewalk peeing in front of himself. Amazingly, not a drop touched his clothing and, as an added bonus, the pee made fun, artistic markings on the sidewalk. You too can do the walk-n-piss. Just do as Tim did; grab it and go! But don't send me the dry cleaning bill if your aim is less than spectacular.
-The Phone Call: This method is particularly good if you live in a city where there are ample payphones. Nobody really notices people talking on the phone if they are not having an interesting conversation. So, go to a payphone, pick up the receiver and say something like this, "Hey"I know"Oh".yeah".no, I do like her, it's just"yeah"" Speak in this manner for as long as is needed and passerbys will ignore you and the tell-tale river of yellow evil flowing from the bottom of the phone booth!
-The Simple Life: Now, since I have given city boys a good one, here's one for country boys; go wherever you want. Nobody will see you. Pee on the hay-bails, the livestock, the tractor and Momma's prize winnin' apple pie! You have been given the gift of open land and the summer is the best time to pee all over it.
-The Oscar: No payphones or apple pies around? Try this one on for size and keep the tags because you can't return it you cut them off. This is a particularly tricky one since it involves contorting your body into uncomfortable positions, but it is a winner nonetheless. Go up to any garbage can that is sitting around and pretend that you are looking for something in there that you accidentally threw away. While you are bent over the can "looking" for that lost cell phone, let those garbage men know how you really feel by soaking this can with a little "trash day surprise" for them. It helps to have a friend stand around you saying, "Dude, can we go yet? You're not gonna find it in there." Foolproof.
-GIRLS:
-Poppa Squat: Let's face it girls, because of the curious alignment of your genitalia, you have a much harder time peeing in public than we boys do. As far as I can tell, the Poppa Squat is the best method for you. Here's the catch though, you need a skirt. The plan is simple. Tell one of your friends that you think you're going to puke. Casually brush off their offers to accompany you, "No, no. I don't like people around me when I puke." Then, ever so coyly, stroll off into the grass a distance from the party and squat down. Hold your hair and breathe heavy like you're going to puke. The kids at the party will think you're fighting back the voms, but all the ants below you will know that the rainy season came early this year.
-UNI-SEX:
-The Bushmen: This method requires that you have at least one friend to help you. Give them some kind of trinket or nugget that you don't really need"like a tennis ball or a pen. Now, have them toss the object into some bushes or trees. "You're such an asshole!" you can scream at them as you trudge off into the bush to "look" for your lost keepsake. But you don't really think your friend is an asshole, do you? No, in fact, you love your friend because they just gave you the beautiful opportunity to relieve yourself all over God' great, green toilet also known as Earth.
-The Emergency: Oh god, you're at a party outside and there is nowhere to pee! What do you do? Just go in your pants! No, I'm not crazy"I'm a genius. Here's how to avoid getting caught. Fill your beer to the brim and stroll around the party. Find something to trip over and lock on it. WHOOPS! Next thing you know, you've gone and spilt your beer all over your pants. "Wow, that was a lot of beer," they'll say. "Yeah, I just filled it up." Game. Set. Match!
-GUYS:
-The Walk-n-Piss: This particular technique was pioneered by a young man named Tim Mullowney. This brave hero defied the conventional "stop-to-take-a-piss" thinking of our fathers and stood up for what he believed would be a quicker, more efficient way to urinate. While grasping his manhood, he confidently (if a little wobbly) strode down the sidewalk peeing in front of himself. Amazingly, not a drop touched his clothing and, as an added bonus, the pee made fun, artistic markings on the sidewalk. You too can do the walk-n-piss. Just do as Tim did; grab it and go! But don't send me the dry cleaning bill if your aim is less than spectacular.
-The Phone Call: This method is particularly good if you live in a city where there are ample payphones. Nobody really notices people talking on the phone if they are not having an interesting conversation. So, go to a payphone, pick up the receiver and say something like this, "Hey"I know"Oh".yeah".no, I do like her, it's just"yeah"" Speak in this manner for as long as is needed and passerbys will ignore you and the tell-tale river of yellow evil flowing from the bottom of the phone booth!
-The Simple Life: Now, since I have given city boys a good one, here's one for country boys; go wherever you want. Nobody will see you. Pee on the hay-bails, the livestock, the tractor and Momma's prize winnin' apple pie! You have been given the gift of open land and the summer is the best time to pee all over it.
-The Oscar: No payphones or apple pies around? Try this one on for size and keep the tags because you can't return it you cut them off. This is a particularly tricky one since it involves contorting your body into uncomfortable positions, but it is a winner nonetheless. Go up to any garbage can that is sitting around and pretend that you are looking for something in there that you accidentally threw away. While you are bent over the can "looking" for that lost cell phone, let those garbage men know how you really feel by soaking this can with a little "trash day surprise" for them. It helps to have a friend stand around you saying, "Dude, can we go yet? You're not gonna find it in there." Foolproof.
-GIRLS:
-Poppa Squat: Let's face it girls, because of the curious alignment of your genitalia, you have a much harder time peeing in public than we boys do. As far as I can tell, the Poppa Squat is the best method for you. Here's the catch though, you need a skirt. The plan is simple. Tell one of your friends that you think you're going to puke. Casually brush off their offers to accompany you, "No, no. I don't like people around me when I puke." Then, ever so coyly, stroll off into the grass a distance from the party and squat down. Hold your hair and breathe heavy like you're going to puke. The kids at the party will think you're fighting back the voms, but all the ants below you will know that the rainy season came early this year.
-UNI-SEX:
-The Bushmen: This method requires that you have at least one friend to help you. Give them some kind of trinket or nugget that you don't really need"like a tennis ball or a pen. Now, have them toss the object into some bushes or trees. "You're such an asshole!" you can scream at them as you trudge off into the bush to "look" for your lost keepsake. But you don't really think your friend is an asshole, do you? No, in fact, you love your friend because they just gave you the beautiful opportunity to relieve yourself all over God' great, green toilet also known as Earth.
-The Emergency: Oh god, you're at a party outside and there is nowhere to pee! What do you do? Just go in your pants! No, I'm not crazy"I'm a genius. Here's how to avoid getting caught. Fill your beer to the brim and stroll around the party. Find something to trip over and lock on it. WHOOPS! Next thing you know, you've gone and spilt your beer all over your pants. "Wow, that was a lot of beer," they'll say. "Yeah, I just filled it up." Game. Set. Match!
College Species
-Welcome, my esteemed colleagues. I am here to share with you my amazing discoveries in the field of species research. I have spent three years in the field collecting research on the inhabitants of this most strange environment known as college. In this time I have observed many different specie, all in their natural habitat. It is with great pleasure that I report my findings to you.
-Bent-Brimmed Fratapus- This particular species may be the most common of the male species I observed. It seems that, as an identification method, the Bent-Brimmed Fratapus will always wear his signature white hat. This particular hat will have his college's moniker blazoned across the front and will almost certainly have a bent "brim." This species is highly social and I found, through countless nights in its habitat, that the Bent -Brimmed Fratapus is most comfortable in situations where alcohol is present. They can be observed "beer bonging" and "keg standing" with their peers. However, while the Fratapus is often seen at bars and parties, they are rarely observed in class. When approached by other members of the species, the Fratapus will usually pair off and perform a gesture known as a "hetero-hug" (see "New Words" issue for definition).
-Commutersaurus Rex- The commutersaurus is one of the most numerous species I observed in my research. However, this particular species was only visible during the daylight hours. After dark, like lemmings, they fled for their cars and swiftly drove off "campus." They do not tend to socialize with the other species on this list and instead attend their own functions at their own "lounge." I advise that one be careful when attempting to contact the Commutersaurus, as they will certainly be jealous of your "residential" status.
-Migrating Accoustic-Guitardvark- A somewhat numerous species at most "campuses," but relatively fickle in their ways, the Guitardvark is truly a native specie of the "campus." Never without its trusty acoustic guitar, the guitardvark roams from location to location on "campus" singing its mating call and strumming its instrument. The most common of it's mating calls include "No Woman, No Cry" by Bob Marley and "Stir it up" also by Bob Marley. The Guitardvark will attract other specie with its sweet tones. However, the Guitardvark is a seasonal animal. It can only be observed outdoors in early September and late April and May. Note: The Guitardvark is often seen with its companion species, the BongoDrumadactyl
-FlipFlopadocus- A distant cousin of the Migrating Accoustic-Guitardvark, the FlipFlopadocus is known for its ability to wear a sandal, know commonly as a "flip flop" in any type of weather. It seems the soles of the FlipFlopadocus' feet have become temperature resistant through years and years of exposure to the elements. It is most commonly seen strolling into class 30 minutes late and lounging around on the "quad." When confronted about its ability to endure the worst cold in uncovered feet, the FlipFlopadocus will usually respond with a relaxed "whatever."
-TwoBeer Queerwig- This species, like the chameleon, is a shape-shifter species. From all outward appearances, the TwoBeer Queerwig can look like any other species. However, after consuming a small amount of alcohol, this species will reveal its true nature. Often seen vomiting in a corner or hanging listlessly on the shoulder of a friend, the Queerwig is only known for its ability not to be able to hold alcohol. Other, superior species will often show their dominance over the Queerwig by "shaming" them with face markings when the Queerwig "passes out."
-White-Skinned Dreadlockust- Considered almost as hilarious as the Queerwig, the White-Skinned Dreadlockust spends most of its day scratching at the unsightly pile of mangled hair on its head. The hair is arranged in such a way as to resemble fecal matter and is often seen adorned with beads, braids, or a big, floppy hat. Often, the Dreadlockust will cover its body in animal-themed tie-dye and pants that "I totally made myself out of old potato sacks, dude." Related species: The Hippopotheadamus.
-Student-Athleech- In the same genus as the Bent-Brimmed Fratapus, the Student-Athleech is of a large composure. The Athleech eats a protein rich diet making it physically superior to all other species, but mentally incapable. Due to this, the Athleech can regularly be observed looking confused and perplexed in "class." However, while the Athleech may be inferior in an intellectual environment, they are superior on the "field" or "court." Herds of Athleeches can be seen gathering for intense physical exercise on these "fields" almost daily. The Athleech adorns its muscular body with the trappings of its "team" (usually loose-fitting, college-themed "sweatsuits") and designer "sneakers." Other species are often jealous of the Athleech for its ability to enroll in the easiest "classes" and do the least amount of "work."
-Orange Spotted Woodsucker- Considered a prize by the male population of the "campus," this species is all female. One can easily be identified by their strange skin coloring; slightly brown with orange patches. This is a product of the specie's unrelenting desire to tan themselves artificially to achieve a "base coat." The woodsucker is also known around the "campus" to provide a certain sexual act on the male inhabitants known locally as "head." They can often be seen wearing small shirts and skirts, usually with some sort of testimony about themselves (e.g. Party Gurrrrl, Sexy, Little Bitch, etc"). The tight-fitting, revealing nature of the Woodsucker's clothing is intended to broadcast its superior abs to all other female species. WARNING: Do not approach unless prepared to buy them a drink.
-Bent-Brimmed Fratapus- This particular species may be the most common of the male species I observed. It seems that, as an identification method, the Bent-Brimmed Fratapus will always wear his signature white hat. This particular hat will have his college's moniker blazoned across the front and will almost certainly have a bent "brim." This species is highly social and I found, through countless nights in its habitat, that the Bent -Brimmed Fratapus is most comfortable in situations where alcohol is present. They can be observed "beer bonging" and "keg standing" with their peers. However, while the Fratapus is often seen at bars and parties, they are rarely observed in class. When approached by other members of the species, the Fratapus will usually pair off and perform a gesture known as a "hetero-hug" (see "New Words" issue for definition).
-Commutersaurus Rex- The commutersaurus is one of the most numerous species I observed in my research. However, this particular species was only visible during the daylight hours. After dark, like lemmings, they fled for their cars and swiftly drove off "campus." They do not tend to socialize with the other species on this list and instead attend their own functions at their own "lounge." I advise that one be careful when attempting to contact the Commutersaurus, as they will certainly be jealous of your "residential" status.
-Migrating Accoustic-Guitardvark- A somewhat numerous species at most "campuses," but relatively fickle in their ways, the Guitardvark is truly a native specie of the "campus." Never without its trusty acoustic guitar, the guitardvark roams from location to location on "campus" singing its mating call and strumming its instrument. The most common of it's mating calls include "No Woman, No Cry" by Bob Marley and "Stir it up" also by Bob Marley. The Guitardvark will attract other specie with its sweet tones. However, the Guitardvark is a seasonal animal. It can only be observed outdoors in early September and late April and May. Note: The Guitardvark is often seen with its companion species, the BongoDrumadactyl
-FlipFlopadocus- A distant cousin of the Migrating Accoustic-Guitardvark, the FlipFlopadocus is known for its ability to wear a sandal, know commonly as a "flip flop" in any type of weather. It seems the soles of the FlipFlopadocus' feet have become temperature resistant through years and years of exposure to the elements. It is most commonly seen strolling into class 30 minutes late and lounging around on the "quad." When confronted about its ability to endure the worst cold in uncovered feet, the FlipFlopadocus will usually respond with a relaxed "whatever."
-TwoBeer Queerwig- This species, like the chameleon, is a shape-shifter species. From all outward appearances, the TwoBeer Queerwig can look like any other species. However, after consuming a small amount of alcohol, this species will reveal its true nature. Often seen vomiting in a corner or hanging listlessly on the shoulder of a friend, the Queerwig is only known for its ability not to be able to hold alcohol. Other, superior species will often show their dominance over the Queerwig by "shaming" them with face markings when the Queerwig "passes out."
-White-Skinned Dreadlockust- Considered almost as hilarious as the Queerwig, the White-Skinned Dreadlockust spends most of its day scratching at the unsightly pile of mangled hair on its head. The hair is arranged in such a way as to resemble fecal matter and is often seen adorned with beads, braids, or a big, floppy hat. Often, the Dreadlockust will cover its body in animal-themed tie-dye and pants that "I totally made myself out of old potato sacks, dude." Related species: The Hippopotheadamus.
-Student-Athleech- In the same genus as the Bent-Brimmed Fratapus, the Student-Athleech is of a large composure. The Athleech eats a protein rich diet making it physically superior to all other species, but mentally incapable. Due to this, the Athleech can regularly be observed looking confused and perplexed in "class." However, while the Athleech may be inferior in an intellectual environment, they are superior on the "field" or "court." Herds of Athleeches can be seen gathering for intense physical exercise on these "fields" almost daily. The Athleech adorns its muscular body with the trappings of its "team" (usually loose-fitting, college-themed "sweatsuits") and designer "sneakers." Other species are often jealous of the Athleech for its ability to enroll in the easiest "classes" and do the least amount of "work."
-Orange Spotted Woodsucker- Considered a prize by the male population of the "campus," this species is all female. One can easily be identified by their strange skin coloring; slightly brown with orange patches. This is a product of the specie's unrelenting desire to tan themselves artificially to achieve a "base coat." The woodsucker is also known around the "campus" to provide a certain sexual act on the male inhabitants known locally as "head." They can often be seen wearing small shirts and skirts, usually with some sort of testimony about themselves (e.g. Party Gurrrrl, Sexy, Little Bitch, etc"). The tight-fitting, revealing nature of the Woodsucker's clothing is intended to broadcast its superior abs to all other female species. WARNING: Do not approach unless prepared to buy them a drink.
Streeter Seidell
Fordham
About Me
About Me
Streeter enjoys many things, not least of which is being your front page editor here at CollegeHumor. In fact, he likes it so much he decided to get paid for it and make it his career. He spends his days making sure you have enough updates and hotlinks to keep you from your work for at least two hours. Streeter also likes to write; not well, mind you, but frequently. Please, enjoy his archive.
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