A lot of people think I have very low self-esteem. Even my Mom comments on my apparent lack of self worth on a regular basis. This bothers me because I am a very happy person who happens to have a few problems with my appearance or personality; just like everybody in the world does. So, in an effort to clear this up, I present "Why I Rule."� In the column that follows you will learn, for the first time, all the reasons why I think I rule.

To begin, I am very smart. I may not get the best grades but you can bet your ass I know more about the War of 1812 than you do. I also seem to know a lot of useless trivia, which I consider to be an even greater evolved form of knowledge than book learnin'. If the Trivial Pursuit board comes out, you had better watch your ass when I tell you that the original purpose of the needle on top of The Empire State Building was for docking blimps. Furthermore, I can name 4 of the 5 great lakes, tell you which English words in use today have remained unchanged from 1000 years ago (piss, shit, and fuck), and how big your breasts are (this is true, I am unmatched at guessing cup sizes. I should work at a fair or something).

On top of being what my Mom has called, "a very bright young man,"� I can do really amazing things with my body. Most people's thumbs only go one way but thanks to the Lord above, my left thumb is double jointed. I can also make fire balls in my hands with the right type of lighter; a feat that never fails to impress my younger cousins. Also, I have the ability to contort my mouth into a perfect triangle which only one other person I know can do. But the best thing I can do with my body by far is called "the human vibrator."� It could be because I am very tense or stressed but for whatever reason I can make my entire body (head included) vibrate. When this violent shaking occurs it appears as if I am either having a seizure or trying to satisfy an incredibly large woman.

But there is so much more to me than a great mind and "interesting"� body. Not many people know this, but I can play music. I am mediocre at the following instruments: drums, guitar, bass, piano, saxophone (alto and tenor) and tambourine. Actually, that's a lie; I'm a master of the tambourine. I cannot sing very well in front of people, but when I'm alone in the car I have an amazing voice.

Oh wait, how could I forget about my legs and hair? My legs are massive. For some reason unbeknownst to me, I have grown incredibly strong and toned legs. This is strange because I spend most of my day sitting on my ass and certainly not running around. And the hair"¦how couldn't I talk about the hair? It may be ugly, but there is a hell of a lot of it. This thick coif that sits on top of my head is the kind of hair models would kill for. I was actually asked to do some work for Pantene Pro-V, but I turned it down because their product doesn't offer me an orgasm like Herbal Essences does. So, even if genetics screwed me on everything else, at least I got the legs and the hair.

If you still aren't convinced that I rule, let me just tell you that I won a JV wrestling tournament one time, I have had sex in three countries on two continents, I am the current record holder in the annual spring weekend White Castle Case Race (13 burgers), I can do relatively convincing British and Irish accents, I am almost financially self sufficient, I have a credit card with an amazing $500 limit and I own five pairs of jeans. Now, if that isn't enough for you I don't know what is.

I hope this has silenced all my readers (and mother) who think that I hate myself. However, I am not the only person in the world that rules"¦I think you may rule too. So, why don't you go ahead and write me a paragraph on why you rule and send it to suxatlife@hotmail.com. If you rule enough, you'll see yourself ruling in my column in the near future. And for giving you the chance to tell millions of people why you rule, I rule even more.

Go ahead and ask any of the wholly unsatisfied girls I've slept with how I was. Go ahead"¦do it. They'll all say the same thing, "Eh, it's was"¦ok"¦I guess."� Or something to that effect. That's the long way to tell you that I may not be the amazing lover that you might think I am. I know, I know, you look at my picture - large, sweaty, chin beard - and you think, "No way could he be bad in bed."� But sadly, it is true.

And in all this time that I've been being awful in the sack, I have been paying attention to all the things I do wrong. This one is for the guys, and they had better listen up because you do not want to make love the way I do.

To begin, you should never, ever, ever look at yourself in a mirror while you're at it. Believe me, the images that you see in the mirror will be far from the ones you imagined. You know those chiseled abs you think you have? They are not there; just a pale tire of flab. You know how everyone says you have a "cute butt?"� You don't, and don't you dare try to look at it in the mirror. It's like Medusa; one look and you turn to stone.

Another important thing to remember is to never try a position beyond your range of motion. That is why I have resorted to the "lie on the back, lifeless"� style of sex. One time I tried this very complicated move that I will spare you the details of. It ended with a bloody nose and a severely pulled hamstring. Plus, trying a complicated position can lead to all of these unhappy fates: falling off the bed, farting by accident, entering the "wrong"� hole, and, in some cases, severe sneezing attacks. Basically, stick to a repertoire you are comfortable with. For me, it is lying motionless on my back. For you, it might be pleasing yourself in the shower, alone. Just stick with what works; having your girlfriend stuffed inside a cupboard while you're doing a handstand isn't going to make it any better.

I beseech you, listen to this next bit of advice very closely; don't say anything during the act that you are not comfortable saying normally. This is a very common rookie mistake that stems watching pornos for too long. In your head, saying "I want to raw dog it baby"� sounds so sexy and cool. In real life, you sound like a dickhead. Your vain attempts to get your words out between panting and wiping sweat from your face make you look like a pervert. Instead, just compliment her. Girls are ego-maniacs and love it when you tell them things like "you are amazing"�, "I love you"�, and "I didn't know it was going to go in your eye."�

Now, for some quick tips. Never sing along with a song that happens to be playing on your stereo. Don't let your sweat drip on her face. Always wash "man-fluid"� off before it dries unless you like cement in your stomach hair. Never laugh when she talks dirty; it's a quick way to long night alone. Don't pick up the phone; who are you, Paris Hilton? Your buddy Chad can wait a few minutes for you to finish up. If you weigh over 250 pounds, do not attempt the following things: sex in a car, sex in a airplane bathroom, sex on top, or sex with a woman. Oh, and don't push her head down"¦that's so disrespectful. Have a little class you dirtbag, she'll get there eventually.

Sex is like a minefield strewn with embarrassment. You must be very careful not to fall victim to one of these traps. But, if you follow my advice and avoid all the things I have done you may be okay. Good luck to you, young men. It may be too late for me, but not for you"¦not for you.

If the hate list were a person, it could buy you some beer now. Welcome to the 21st installment of the Famous Hate List. Last time, we dabbled in Love a bit but now it's back to the same old trusted formula"¦pure, unadulterated HATE!

*If you would like to let your friends and family know what a hateful ass you are, send your submission to suxatlife@hotmail.com

MINE:

The Car Musician: Sometimes at the Hate List, I have to write about things I do that bother me when other people do them. For instance, I don't mind when I take a sip of your drink, but when you do it to me, I hate you. Call me a hypocrite, but you know you do it too. This is the case with the car musician. I understand how tempting it is to play every instrument on various pieces of the car and your passengers, but keep your hands off me. Do I look like a fucking keyboard or a snare drum? No, I didn't think so. So why do you insist on playing that sweet drum solo all over my shoulder? Plus, when I play instruments on my car, at least I do it in time with the music. Maybe someday you'll get a record deal, maybe you'll get hired by some band to play air-banjo, but for now"¦I Hate You!

My Plant: My Mommy bought me a plant a little while ago. I put it in my office to clam me down when I write these columns. For about half a minute after she left, the plant was fine. Now, it appears someone has been siphoning off the water I put in it. Listen up plant, I give you all the water you want (but not too much), I take the dead leaves away and I even put you right next to the window. But was that enough for you? Apparently not, since you keep dying. What the hell am I supposed to do with you? You drop more and more leaves everyday, littering up my carpet, and you look like shit. Have you been getting into my heroin stash? Because that's what you look like. Just do you job and grow, you lazy ass fern. If not, I'm throwing you out the window where you can live a happy life as some homeless man's toilet paper"¦I Hate You!

Water Wanda: Ok, let me put this to you; are carbon molecules different in Asia than they are here? As far as I know, they are not. You can apply this logic to almost all elemental things (I think). So when I go to the store to get a bottle of water, I don't much care what brand it is. But Water Wanda does. She won't drink anything but Dasani water, as if there is some difference. You're right, Wanda, the people over at Dasani have a secret source where they get the absolute finest water on earth. IT'S FUCKING WATER! It's pretty hard to fuck up. The next time we go to the store and you pull that "Oh, they don't have Dasani, I'll just go next door."� I'm taking a bottle of Poland Springs and shoving it up your ass, you picky, snotty bitch"¦I Hate You!

YOURS:

Reader Jeremy A. really hates: Car Dwelling Assholes. These are the people that think they own the fucking road and bikes don't belong there. Look at the fucking laws self important asshole who thinks any road delay is a good reason for a declaration of war. Not only are bikes dangerous for pedestrians while they are on the sidewalk it is also fucking ILLEGAL. And as for Katherine who believes the helmets and hand signals are stupid why doesn't she take her head out of her ass and realize the hand signals are turn signals so you don't run into them and the helmets are for the fucking retards that don't know what the hand signals mean. For all those bike haters get your lazy ass out of the car and try to keep up with a biker hopefully another one of you assholes will leave some tire treads on your face since you don't know the hand signals or wear a helmet. I HATE YOU!!!!!!
*Bike anger, so hot right now.

Reader Dan K. really hates: The far too rich Boss/Ceo: The guy who owns or runs the company, who has far too much money, and doesn't realize that everyone isn't as disgustingly filthy rich as him. Scenario: "Bob" the CEO informs he is buying a new car, (in addition to his $85,000 Benz), and is getting the iPod hookup custom installed. He suggested I do the same, and asked me what kind of stereo system I have in my car. "Bose is garbage" I was informed. Then pay me more money you rich fuck. "Bob" then tells me he wants me to hook up internet in his Hamptons home, so he can be on the internet while in his pool house. My yearly salary is almost as much as your regular paycheck. Way Too rich Boss/CEO, I hate you.

Reader Jon C. really hates it: when people are like say something in Chinese! First of all it's Mandarin you dumb shits. Second of all if I had granted each and everyone of your requests I'd be sick of speaking it. And no, just because I have dark skin and slanted eyes doesn't mean I know karate, I play football for godsakes I'm as white-washed as it gets. Damn ignorant assholes, I HATE YOU!!
*Author's Note: I do, however, know karate.

Reader Nicole really hates: people who seem to remember everything that happened in the past while being drunk. These people will remember what pants you wore, what parking lot you fucked in, hell even what you built with your legos at age 6, and they seem to have to talk about these memories each time they drink. But what really would bite off my balls if I had them is the fact that this person cant remember their god damn name, directions to the shithole they call home, or how much they've supposedly had to drink that night, and if you ask them about their trip down memory lane the next morning they have no fucking idea what the hell you're talking about. Why these douchebags feel the need to remember everything while all I am trying to do is get drunk and FORGET about everything, I don't know, but I am gonna give you a fucking black eye and see if you remember that the next morning you living in the past faggot, because I REALLY HATE YOU.

Reader Erin S. really hates: The Personality Liar: I hate the girl who thinks that just because the guy didn't really like her, her friends can't enjoy the company of that someone. You are the one who amped your 'relations' with the guy to the point that he was scared shitless and had to run away from you in the first place. You can be one of my closest friends, but let the other girls do what they want. And don't talk about the guy because you know how 'bad' he is... and how much he is going to hurt our other friend. I guess since he didn't like you, you feel she shouldn't/can't chill with him either. And stop complaining in front of her and threatening you are gonna go get some pot, cigs, or liquor and drug yourself up when you hear things you don't like. You are screwing yourself up. They are friends. STOP lying about what happens between you and someone else. We all know when you are playing shit up! The crew still loves you, just stop the drama bullshit.
*AN: This reader failed to include the mandatory "I hate you"� clause at the end of the rant, so I will add if for them"¦I Hate You!

Reader Joseph H. really hates: MUSIC STUDENTS (as seen through the eyes of a music student) - If you come to a place called Berklee College of Music in Boston, you'll see a lot of college students who don't fully fit the mold. We don't have frats, we don't have any sports teams, hell - we have no campus. But that's where the differences should end, really. We still have parties, we get drunk, and it's a great time. But a lot of students MUST stay different. IN EVERY FUCKING WAY!!! Girls wearing the most bizarre gigantic Dracula boots with 20 piercings in their ear and five in their eyeball just because "they don't want to be like everyone else." Guys dressed up like Prince, complete with the puffy shoulder jacket and make-up. And they have the nerve to look at me as if I'm insane to be wearing jeans that fit nicely and a shirt that doesn't have some obscure independent film reference on it. Guess what? We all look the same because we're fucking HUMANS! Anybody who has to force themselves to LOOK different doesn't have a personality worth respecting, and I FUCKING HATE YOU!!!

Joseph also hates: The Ex-girlfriend who can't get over it ("Yeah, I guess I remember...") - yeah, you had a great relationship with this girl back in high school. It lasted a few years, and it went to hell. You go to college and get what you were missing that whole time - maturity. You can look back and see it for what it was, you understand that you both fucked up, but it's over, and you can go on with your life. And you see this girl every now and then, and you treat her so nicely, even though you'd love to shove every single mistake she ever made in your past relationship down her throat until she vomits on her own sudden self-loathing - but she can't bring herself to even admit that you ever had a relationship in the first place! You mention some funny thing that happened at some party senior year, but since it happened during your relationship, she "guesses she remembers" and shrugs so you think she doesn't remember it. FUCK YOU - IT WAS TWO YEARS OF YOUR LIFE - unless you have multiple personalities (which, in hindsight, would not surprise me), you remember it. Just swallow your pride, admit we had some cool shit going on, and get over it. We're not dating now, you don't need to stay a bitch to me. But since you won't heed my advice, from now on "I guess you'll remember".....that I fucking HATE YOU!

Finally, Reader Seth H. really hates: "Guitar-Guy Gary": A real "Gary" without the "r," this fucking douche hole finds it necessary to bring his guitar to every party he attends. Who gives a shit that you can play "Free Falling" to a bunch of drunken coeds at some house party, most of us would rather hear some beats from a large stereo system while we try to get on the latest class of freshmen girls. Listen, I play guitar but I would never bring my $500 instrument to a party cause I am not a fucking John Mayer-wannabe fruitbar who has to be the center of attention and probably sucks anyways. Truth is I could take that guitar and outplay your ass any day but I don't because I would never be that starved for attention. Instead I want to take your guitar and shove it so far up your fucking ass you faggot, go to hell....I Hate you!!

That's all the hate for this week. Make sure to join us again and share the hate. For the Famous Hate List, I'm Streeter Seidell saying goodnight to America.
*Remember, if you want your hate to appear in the Hate List, email your submission to suxatlife@hotmail.com

Hey you, that's right, you. Do you have a minute? Great, because I have got some great news for you. You're in college, right? I knew it. Tell me, are you happy with your body? I didn't think so. I know how you're feeling; I was once like you too. I used to look at all my fellow students walking around in hoodies and sweat pants and feel so left out because my body wasn't fat. College is all about fitting in, correct? So why don't you sit down with me and I'll show you how to get that perfect college body you've always been after.

This new diet and exercise plan is absolutely amazing. It not only targets your body, but also your mind as well; giving you not just the appearance of a college student, but the mindset of one too. The first step, as with all fitness programs, is diet. You need to be putting the right gas in the tank, if you know what I mean.

There is only one rule and it's a simple one; if it comes out of a box, bag or jar it's ok to eat. I know what you're thinking; "but Streeter, I really like fresh salads."� You know what I have to say to that? Grow a pair. You're never going to get the appearance of a college student eating salads. Instead, why don't you try a nice bowl of Top Ramen or Easy Mac? They're both completely devoid of nutritional value and they promise to pack on the pounds real quick. Don't like noodles? How about some nice pizza? And if you get it delivered you kill two birds with one stone: Maximizing caloric intake while minimizing physical output. By following this diet, you will be looking like a college student in no time.

But to truly be a student, you must think and act like one too. It may seem daunting to try to change your mental state, but when you break it down as I have done here, it is not so hard. To think as a college student, you must always approach every situation with one question in mind; "is this ABSOLUTELY necessary?"� Say you have a class coming up, ask yourself, "is this absolutely necessary?"� and you will see that it is not. Should you shower today? Is it absolutely necessary? No, no it is not. Basically, by handling every situation on a do-or-die basis, you eliminate hundreds of hours of unnecessary activity. Such things as waking up, cleaning oneself, taking tests, studying, and talking to your roommates become completely unimportant when approached from this angle. Of course, certain things that may not be absolutely necessary must still be done: hooking up, drinking alcohol and playing videogames. But that's just common sense.

I hope you'll join me. I can promise you this; if you follow this plan for one month's time, you'll be looking and feeling just like a college student. You'll be wearing sweat pants all day, eating unhealthy food, and probably be sick too. No expensive pills, no fancy equipment - this is the plan for you. So, get rid of that six pack, put down that toothbrush, and join us. And always remember, mayonnaise doesn't have to be a condiment"¦it can be a whole meal.

Hey you, that's right, you. Do you have a minute? Great, because I have got some great news for you. You're in college, right? I knew it. Tell me, are you happy with your body? I didn't think so. I know how you're feeling; I was once like you too. I used to look at all my fellow students walking around in hoodies and sweat pants and feel so left out because my body wasn't fat. College is all about fitting in, correct? So why don't you sit down with me and I'll show you how to get that perfect college body you've always been after.

This new diet and exercise plan is absolutely amazing. It not only targets your body, but also your mind as well; giving you not just the appearance of a college student, but the mindset of one too. The first step, as with all fitness programs, is diet. You need to be putting the right gas in the tank, if you know what I mean.

There is only one rule and it's a simple one; if it comes out of a box, bag or jar it's ok to eat. I know what you're thinking; "but Streeter, I really like fresh salads."� You know what I have to say to that? Grow a pair. You're never going to get the appearance of a college student eating salads. Instead, why don't you try a nice bowl of Top Ramen or Easy Mac? They're both completely devoid of nutritional value and they promise to pack on the pounds real quick. Don't like noodles? How about some nice pizza? And if you get it delivered you kill two birds with one stone: Maximizing caloric intake while minimizing physical output. By following this diet, you will be looking like a college student in no time.

But to truly be a student, you must think and act like one too. It may seem daunting to try to change your mental state, but when you break it down as I have done here, it is not so hard. To think as a college student, you must always approach every situation with one question in mind; "is this ABSOLUTELY necessary?"� Say you have a class coming up, ask yourself, "is this absolutely necessary?"� and you will see that it is not. Should you shower today? Is it absolutely necessary? No, no it is not. Basically, by handling every situation on a do-or-die basis, you eliminate hundreds of hours of unnecessary activity. Such things as waking up, cleaning oneself, taking tests, studying, and talking to your roommates become completely unimportant when approached from this angle. Of course, certain things that may not be absolutely necessary must still be done: hooking up, drinking alcohol and playing videogames. But that's just common sense.

I hope you'll join me. I can promise you this; if you follow this plan for one month's time, you'll be looking and feeling just like a college student. You'll be wearing sweat pants all day, eating unhealthy food, and probably be sick too. No expensive pills, no fancy equipment - this is the plan for you. So, get rid of that six pack, put down that toothbrush, and join us. And always remember, mayonnaise doesn't have to be a condiment"¦it can be a whole meal.

This update has been sponsored by urShelf. If you still need textbooks, get em cheap there. Aight, friends- how about some hotlinks?

Of all the wonders that dot our shores
Like mountains, rivers and she-male whores
There is one not to be missed
And that would be girls that kiss.

With wisdom gleaned from dykes of past
They hold you tight in their grasp.
As their tongues go swimming to and fro
Down your pants your hands will go.

We cannot help it, it's natures way
To be turned on by women so gay.
For we all do like this sexy vision;
The softer side of lesbianism.

Now let me tell a story to you
About a girl I thought I knew.
Her name doesn't matter, only the fact
That she liked to kiss girls, imagine that?

We went to a party, all drunk and some stoned
I thought by the end she'd be all on my bone.
We ended up talking to another young girl
With big blue eyes and brown hair in curls.
I was in heaven, for you'd be so too
One girl is OK, but you can't beat the two.
Just when I thought that I could do the pair
My friend started to stroke the other one's hair.
It started all playful and sexy and fun
But soon they decided to get business done.
And off to the bathroom they strode very fast
Leaving me standing with my thumb up my ass.
Wanting a look at the doings inside
Through a crack in the door, I peeked with my eye.

And what to my wandering eyes did appear?
Two hot girls kissing and drinking my beer.
I couldn't complain, it was just too damn hot
And girls making out should never be stopped

I didn't go home with either of them
They soon parted ways and went back to their friends
But nothing can wipe that kiss from my mind
Not sadness, not pain, not distraction, not time.

So raise up a glass and pray from these girls
That bring a new light into our worlds
They may not like you, but do not dismiss
The wonderful hotness of girls that kiss.

Dedicated to Kate and Katie

Hampton Sinclair
Mrs. Tettleby
5th grade history

How The west was one.

A bunch of years ago, nobody lived in the west. There were only Indians there and they were mean. Sometimes when a white person would go by they would shoot him and kill him. The Indians were very smart and used every part of the white person - they made teepees with their skin; they made rope from their hair; and they built casinos with their money.

The President of america got really mad at the Indians and said that they had to stop eating all the white people. The Indians wouldn't stop so america sent all these soldiers there. They had this big battle at little Gettysburg and all the soldiers died. The last man to die was called general custard and he had a HUGE mustache. That only made america more madder so they killed all the buffalo which was the Indians maine food after white people. With all the Indians dead, white people were free to go out west in safety.

Then someone told someone about how he found gold in California. Then that guy told a bunch of his friends and befour you knew it, everyone was going to California to look for gold. They all wore funny hats and didn't have a lot of teeth but they really liked gold. There wernt any women which was kind of gay but they got their soon too.

It was along trip from the east to the west. They didn't have cars or boats back then so people had to take horses. There was one group of people who got lost in the mountains when it was snowing - they were called the donners party even though getting dead in a mountain is no party at all. They would have all died except that they knew from the Indians that eating white people is good so they all ate eachother and they all lived.

Things is California were really bad for a long time. People used to shoot eachother for playing cards bad and all the "˜salons' had swining doors so lots of bugs would come in. but then this guy named samuel colt 45 invented this gun that you could kill 6 bad people at once instead of just one. Once that was around, john wanye killed almost all the bad guys there real quick.

Then they had a bunch of cowboys who all came from texas which is right next door to California. They liked cows a lot and used to burn their names into them. They also had big hats and killed Indians. The best thing about cowboys is that they could do tricks on their horses. I saw a movie where one of them was riding his upsidedown which was neat.

Plus, now they had trains which was a lot better than horses because they don't have to drink water. The trains made stuff a lot faster and they were a lot of fun. I took a train to new york one time with my dad and it was real cool. The guy came and punched a hole in my ticket.

Now with all the man eating Indians gone, all the bad guys dead and lots of women, people started to make houses in California. That was bad idea becuz they have earthquakes all the time and their houses would fall down. But they rode horses all the way there and didn't want to go back so the would just build their houses again every year. Nowadays California is a lot of fun. There is a place called Disneyland which is like Disneyworld but not as good and there are a lot of cool waves to go in. I didn't see any gold when I went there but that must have been cuz all the goldminers hid it from me.

The west was won by lots of people but the goverment owns it now. It used to be real bad and had no women but now it is good and isn't so gay.

By Hampton Sinclair

The Streety Awards II: Winners

Well folks, all the votes are in and the winners are ready to be announced. Let's skip all the pageantry and get right to it.

Who Farted? I thought Keenan might have farted, I thought Cedric the Entertainer might have farted, I even thought the dog could have done it. But it was made very clear to me that Oprah did, in fact, fart. An overwhelming majority (%87) of you finger the oversized talk show host as the doer of the deed. The dog ran a distant second with the other %10 of the vote. I'm really surprised not many of you voted for Keenan; do you know how gassy Good Burgers make you?

Funniest Political News Program. "This just in, President Bush and his whole administration are officially messengers from God and temples should be built to them across this great land."� That, in a few words or more, is the angle we've all been hearing from a little show called FOX News. And %45 of you thought that it was the funniest of them all. I would have liked to see The Daily Show take this category, but I guess things are funnier when they aren't meant to be"¦like your grandma walking into a screen door.

Worst Nickname. Nobody wants to be called Skidmark or Slutron 2000 or Herp. But NOBODY wants to be called Le Douche. With a narrow majority, Le Douche has been voted the worst nickname to have. Second place went to Herp. Third went to Skidmark. And fourth went to Slutron 2000. I suppose Slutron 2000 came in last because some men, like me, wouldn't mind being a bit sluttier"¦if I could.

Best new Sports Trend. Hey, I've got an idea. Let's play a sport where the main goal is to make sure all the fat kids are eliminated from the game first. It'll be fun; we can throw stuff at them and they won't be able to get out of the way because they're fat. I call it"¦Dodgeball! And %39 of you agree that this game is absolutely fantatstic. Nobody likes fat people when they're sitting next to you in class breathing through their mouths, but they're fun as hell when you're winging a rubberball-of-shame at them!

Most Unfunny Person Still Making Horrible Movies. Admittedly, this was a hard category to write; mainly because most of the people on the list are still capable of making an entertaining movie. But one certainly isn't and %78 of you agree with me on that point. Congratulations, Rob Schneider"¦no one thinks you're funny! Interesting fact: Mr. Schneider once hit on my sister in Hawaii and tried to get her to join him for a drink"¦when she was 17! Thank god my kid sister is smart, she didn't accept. I would've taken him up on that in a heartbeat.

Bets Formerly Funny TV Show That Has Overstayed Its Welcome. This category produced a lot of anger in you guys. Perhaps me including The Simpsons on the list was a bad move, but I stand behind it even if that makes me "a total fucking idiot"� to some of you. But that is a moot point considering the winner of this category is That 70s Show. Yes, we all thought it was funny when Kelso said silly things and Mr. Foreman called people dumbasses, but we can only take so much. But it is time for That 70s Show to go the way of its bastard child, That 80s Show. Goodbye Fez, goodbye Jackie, goodbye Eric, your time has come. Don't worry, I'm sure the OC will have a place for all of you. I personally liked Saved By The Bell; The Deadend Career years, but I think some of you figured out I made that up.

Best Fake Breasts. Well, the readers of Collegehumor.com have stayed true to their biases. Judging by the amount of Lohan boobs we see on this site, she was shoo in for this category. The truth is none of us know if they're real, but that is only because she won't let any of us touch them. Pam Anderson runs a distant second place with a respectable %27 of the vote. But what is truly disgusting about this is that some of you voted for Condi Rice"¦which meant you thought about her breasts. Don't you know you can be locked in prison without trial for a stunt like that? Try being smarter in the future.

Best Line For Getting A Freshman Girl To Go Home With You. A guy walks into a bar. He sits down an orders a drink when he sees this stunning freshman girl walking over to him. She sits down right next to him and orders a drink. The guy really wants to get her home so he turns to her and says"¦"�I live off campus."� Apparently that has either worker on or for you in the past because %42 of you think that is the best line for snagging some underage A. Personally, I find that "Hi"� works the best. You can currently see me using that outside of the party, leaning on the hood of my 86 Camero, blasting "More Than a Feeling."�

Best Chin. Our first tie of the contest! Many people have been known for having great features such as eyes, abs, and even asses. But a chin is a more refined commodity. To be known for your chin is a great honor in this culture. That's why Jay Leno and Ashlee Simpson have done so well. Each of these fine people received %38 of the vote. Jay, what can be said about your chin at this point that some unfunny comedian hasn't said already? But Ashlee, of all the pieces of you we like, it's that sharp, dimpled, protruding chin we like the most. Sorry Michael Moore, just because you have three weak ones, you are no match for Jay or Ashlee's strong ones.

Male Celebrity I Would Most Like To Fight. Remember a few categories when I said that only Lohan knows if they're real or not? Well, I was wrong, someone else does too. And his name is Valmer Kieldkajbdbasu or something like that. But we all know him better as Fez from That 70s Show. That little bastard gets to touch those behemoths on a regular basis and that may be why he won this category. An astonishing %81 of you want to beat that crazy foreigner down and I can't blame you. Most of the rest of your votes went to Frankie Munitz, but it doesn't really matter; almost anyone could take both of them out alone.

Best Celebrity Famous For No Reason. Was there ever really any question who would win this one? Of course, Paris Hilton takes the honor away from her sister Nicky Hilton, her Uncle Ebeneezer Hilton III, and her black illegitimate half-cousin, Wendell "chubs"� Hilton. This socialite princess has sucked and fucked her way into our hearts and who didn't cry when they heard that her little shit of a dog, Tinkerbell, went missing? Yeah, I'm sure she would be a lot of fun to hang with but that doesn't mean she has any reason for being famous. Paris, you may be untalented in acting, singing and being nice to poor people, but you certainly know how to suck a"¦

Funniest Movie of the Summer: I had a hard time writing up the options for this one. You know when you think of all these CDs you want but the second you get to the record store you can't remember one of them and end up buying "Under the Table and Dreaming"� for the fifth time? Well, that was like what I went through with this. Sadly, my favorite, Napoleon Dynamite, did not win. Perhaps not a lot of you saw it in which case I would advise you to do so at once. But someone had to win and "Without a Paddle"� did. Congratulations Seth and company! But the real winner here is the one I made up, "Streeter walks into screen door."� Not that it is real, or that it would even be funny, but because it got this vote here, "Funniest Movie of the Summer - 4. "Streeter Walks Into Screen Door"� (Home Movie)(and the prequel, "Streeter Gets Awesome "˜Job' from Adoring Iowa Gal and Loses His Ability to Walk Straight)"� I would love to see that.

Best Way to Drink a Beer. The closest battle of the Streetys was in this category here. We all have our favorite way to drink a beer. Mine happens to be sitting in the dark, naked and Indian style with my roommate videotaping. But with %30 of the vote, you seem to think the best way to drink a beer is to "CHUG, CHUG, CHUG."� True to your collegiate minds, you have picked wisely. While a shotgun and a beerbong are interesting and effective, nothing beats 20 people cheering you on as you desperately gulp down huge sips from a plastic cup. Oh, I did have one interesting write in on this one. This young man simply wrote, "on the toilet."� I do not want to party with that guy. "Hey dude, grab a cold one. They're right here in the bathtub"¦and would you wipe my ass while you're here?"�

Most Essential Item For Freshmen. Ah, Freshman year. The booze, the parties, the kid that did dookie in the hall"¦such great memories. But such great times cannot happen without certain items. And %47 of you thought that condoms and birth control pills were the most essential. I would have needed those things if I ever got any ass freshman year, but instead all I needed were tissues and a locked door. Even though these prophylactic devices won the award, one of you pointed out a very important truth; if you have Dad's credit card, you can buy all the other things. Touché, my friend, touché.

Preferred Brand of Toe-less Shoe. Maybe I'm the only one to remember really wanting Tevas because not many of you voted for that. Maybe I was right when I assumed not a lot of hippies read this because Birkenstocks didn't even get a lot of votes. Maybe you guys aren't quite as chill as I thought because even Reefs didn't get that many. My worst fears have been confirmed, you are all poor, white trash. And your preferred brand of toeless shoe is none other than K-Mart Red Light Special- Canvas Deck Flip Flop $3.99. Hey, I'm not judging you; they're a great deal, they last a reasonable amount of time, and people might even give you spare change when they see you wearing them. I know my Dad likes them and you do too!

Best Snack Cracker. Sometimes things happen that you don't expect: you might win the lotto one day, your car could get a flat for no reason, or you might even make out with me at some point. Thus was the case with this category. I had no idea how intense you guys are about your choice in snack cracker. Many of vehemently defended your choice and threatened those who prefer something else. I got votes like "Ritz are the shit and anyone who doesn't think so is fucking retarded"� and "Saltines; if you like Toastables you should kill yourself today."� Ok guys, they're just crackers"¦calm down. Congratulations to Wheat Thins for taking home the Streety with %34 of the vote. But they should watch out, some of those Toastables people may be hunting them down as we speak.

Worst Excuse For Missing Class. We have all missed a class at some point and many of us have had to defend our absence with a lame excuse. And %40 of you thought that "my house got stolen"� was the worst one you could ever use. But I have to say I disagree. I have killed off so many people in my family over the past 4 years that the only one left alive is me. What is a worse excuse than "I died"�? Don't believe me, try it out for yourself and watch your professor laugh at you as the nurses drag you back to the hospital.

How Good at Football Were You in High School. Once again, my assumptions about you guys have been proved correct. You are un-athletic like me and you're also perverts like me. I say this because "the bench has never been so warm"� and "more interested in the cheerleaders"� were the top two selections getting %48 and %42 respectively. The sad thing is the cheerleaders wont talk to us and if the football players saw us sitting on their bench they would beat us up. Oh well, at least we haven't ruined our penises with steroids. Trust me, I check to make sure mine's working at least three times a day.

Funniest Movie When You Were 9. Like the snack crackers, many of you got quite violent with this one. Yes, Bill Murray was a riot in Ghostbusters and Tom Hanks had us all in stitches when he danced around that big keyboard. But %41 of you thought that watching "Mac"� run amuck around NYC was just about the funniest thing in the world"¦when you were nine. I used to want to be him but then I realized that if criminals were chasing me around NYC I would probably just pee myself and cry as they stuffed me into a trunk and buried me somewhere in Jersey"¦Jesus, that would suck.

Best Place Celebrities Go To Die. I heard once that all the elephants in Africa go to this one place to die. If celebrities were elephants (and some of them are pretty close) then %67 of you thought that Celebrity Squares would be their final resting place. I can't really argue this one. Although, I do believe the Surreal Life is going to gain some serious ground in this category. I mean, they have Uncle Joey and Flava Flav on now. Does it get sadder than that?

The New Black Is"¦Your sister's boyfriend. Yes, that was a bit racy (maybe even a little racist) but I couldn't resist. It's just too funny. And %49 of you agree with me. The only trouble with your sister having a black boyfriend is that he would almost certainly not be afraid of you (if you're white). I know a lot of black people and they are not afraid of me in the least. And scaring your sister's new boyfriend is a very key part of keeping her safe. Thank god my sister's boyfriend is English"¦I'll always be able to scare him.

Thanks to all of you who voted in the second Streety Awards. We'll be back in two months with all new categories. Congratulations to all the winners and may all of you get home safe.



*three weeks of no skipped classes and going strong

From time to time I like to team up with other talented, funny, attractive, and otherwise amazing people. This happens to be the case today as you are reading the first installment of TRUMORS. TRUMORS is a joint effort between myself and Timmy Mullowney: boozehound, womanizer, international jet setter and Saint Tropez's most infamous playboy. Timmy began this column a year ago, wrote one issue then drank too much to ever write another one. But thanks to my lack of creativity, I have resurrected this gem for "A Word From The Streets."� Welcome to the first installment of TRUMORS.

*BTWMFers, To those of you who cannot wrap your lips around the title of this column, let me explain it to you. TRUMORS are rumors that may or may not be true. You see, by taking the choice pieces of the words "true"� and "rumors"� we have created a new word"¦a better word. A word for this column, a word for the ages, but mostly, a word for the people.


1. Michael Jackson wrote and produced The Baha Men's classic hit, "Who Let Da Dogs Out?"� Michael, on a holiday in Jamaica, heard the then unsigned Baha Men performing on a street corner and was instantly compelled to fly them back to the United States and went straight into the studio. The creative process ran its course quickly and within three weeks a polished gem was produced. Along with writing and producing the track, Michael lends his audio talents as a backup singer for the infectious chorus; barking like a dog. The Baha Men were not content to be Jackson's "wunderkind"� and insisted he use a pseudonym for the production, writing, and singing credits. Jackson decided to go with Peter Penisei.

2. The voice that says "Printing Started"� when you print a document on your computer belongs to none other than Leonard Nemoy; that's right, Mr. Spock himself. All you "trekies"� put that picture of your sister down and get your hand out of your pants because we've got news for you. Tied up in an outrageous gambling debt from the early 90s, Mr. Nemoy was hard up for some quick scratch. Thankfully, longtime Trek watcher and multi-billionaire Bill Gates offered to lend a hand. Gates proposed a lifetime contract to the tune of one million dollars for the coveted voice over spot. Nemoy, thankful to keep all his fingers, accepted. However, the voice that says "Trouble communicating with the printer"� does not belong to Nemoy. That voice belongs to William Shatner.

3. The Beer Bong is actually an ancient wedding toast! At the height of the Roman empire, wine was all the rage. Sure the Romans liked to drink a lot, but they saved their best drinking method for the sacred wedding rights. During the all day wedding ceremonies a pure white sheep was made to drink gallon upon gallon of wine. After toasts to Bachus had been made it was time to celebrate the holy union between man and woman. The high priest would slay the intoxicated sheep and tenderly remove it's bursting bladder. The guests would all raise their chalices and shout "Ibus Merrimentus Maximi!"� and the priest would hold the bladder over the newly betrothed. Taking the sheep's urethra in hand, the groom would guzzle down the entire contents of the bladder bag. Thus the beer bong was born.

4. Ever wonder why men have nipples? I know I do and Timmy does to. Sometimes we sit around and discuss the matter all night. Well, luckily we have found the answer; men can make breast milk! With enough prodding, twisting, and sucking, men can produce the same stuff as Mrs. Milkbag can. Nobody knows if the tit juice has enough nutrients to feed a baby but what a cool party trick. "Hey guys, watch THIS"¦Squirt!."� You could even use this little trick for monetary gain. Which one of your friends would believe that you, a healthy man, could make up to a pint of milk in one shot? Take "˜em for all they've got and maybe even shoot a little in their eye for laughs.

5. Ashton Kutcher did porn before landing a role on "That 70s Show."� I don't care what "Driven"� says, Kutcher was not discovered just walking around looking sexy. It all started when Sandy Hampton picked up a copy of "Iowa Meat,"� a ladies intrest magazine. That particular issue featured a six page spread of a young Ashton stretched out over various pieces of farm equipment"¦NUDE! He's been wearing those trucker hats a lot longer than you know; the picture on page 17 shows him in a dirty John Deere Cap"¦and only a John Deere cap. Hampton tracked Kutcher down and signed him as a model and he went on to win Iowa's "Meat of the Month"� contest. The rest, as they say, is HIStory.

Timmy and I would like to thank you for taking the time to read our first issue of TRUMORS. Remember, TRUMORS can be a great way to break the ice, make new friends, get a job, get out of a test, and sometimes get you laid. Some may be rumors, some may be true, but they are all TRUMORS.

Tim can be reached at Ramathorn2002@yahoo.com, so email him and say hi.

Dear Mouth,

It's me, Asshole. Listen, I know we haven't talked in a while and I'm sorry for that. You know how life is; one day you're best friends working together, the next you've grown into complete strangers. Again, I'm really sorry for not contacting you sooner or keeping up with you but there is nothing more I can do except apologize. So with that out of the way, I hope you'll listen to me.

I know you've been eating whatever you want lately. I know, I see it on the other end so don't try to deny it. I'm trying to preach to you or tell you what to do, but seriously Mouth, can you maybe change your eating habits.

It's just that the stuff that has been coming out of me lately isn't all that pleasant. I've been talking to Stomach and Intestines and they agree with me. I understand that you might want some food at 4 AM, but spicy chili? Come on, man. Are you trying to get back at me for that fart I let out when you were trying to talk in class? If that's the case then know the only reason that had to come out was because you"¦let me repeat that, YOU were eating baked beans all morning.

I don't why you are doing this to me"¦to us. Caliente Taquitos, 7 layer burritos, 2 Lb steaks? What the hell's going on up there? At first I just thought that maybe you were depressed and were eating a lot more. But as the volume of food, and spicy food at that, continued to pass through me unchanged, I felt I had to do something about it. I can only take so much. I've been sore for weeks and I burn"¦oh, how I burn!

Sure, it's all fine on the way down. You enjoy that Chicken Curry and pepper humus. I'll just be down here sweating in agony when the time comes for me to go to work. Thanks to you, I'm chafed, sore, redder than usual and covered in something called Preparation H. I don't know what it is, but it seems to at least relieve some of your treachery.

Mouth, what happened to us? We used to be such good friends. Hell, 20 years ago the stuff you took in looked exactly like the stuff I sent out. We were a team. But you've lost track of that. Now I spend my nights trying deal with oversized helpings of White Castle and hot sauce-drenched nachos. Thanks.

If this kind of behavior doesn't stop I am going to be forced to do something drastic"¦something that affects you. I know I don't have too much control over what you do but I have powerful allies. Stomach has never been madder at you and he says he'll gladly reject everything you send down. Is that what you want? Do you want to be throwing up all the time? I didn't think so.

So, why don't you sit back and think about what you've done to me. Think about the pain you have caused myself, Stomach, Intestines, hell, everyone down here. you had better stop taking in any old piece of food that comes along and seriously think about eating some lettuce or maybe some fiber. I can't deal with anymore Big Macs, Mexican Bagel Bites or chilidogs. Change or suffer the consequences. I might even close up shop altogether. How does that sound, hmm? Constipation? Don't put us through that.

Sincerely, Asshole

Certain things we know are impossible: flying under your own power, drinking a gallon of milk in under an hour, and looking at me naked without laughing (trust me, I have done many tests with many women). Recently, I took stock of all the things I thought would be impossible for me to do. I found a lot: touching my toes with my knees straight, doing homework before midnight and sleeping comfortably without the aid of NyQuil. Obviously, I could never do any of these things. But then I thought of something I may be able to do; attend an entire semester's worth of class.

At first the idea seemed foolish. "Never skip a class?"� I guffawed, "It will be a cold day in Hades when I attend all my classes."� But the more I thought about it and the less I talked like a medieval monarch, the more the idea started to make sense. I mean, my parents are paying for me to go to class and maybe, for the first time in years, I should learn their money's worth?

So, the challenge has been set. I will do my best to attend every one of my classes this semester. If I succeed at this task, I will reward myself by skipping all of my finals. Actually, that may not be the best idea, but I will definitely have ice cream or something.

Now, the rules of this challenge are simple. I go to every class unless I have either a serious reason to miss one or I die. I define a "serious reason"� as something that is more important than a college education. I know that is a liberal definition but ski trips happen oh so rarely. Basically, the challenge I have set for myself is to not miss class because I slept through it, wanted to watch TV or decided to drink instead.

I know what you're thinking, "Streeter, why have you chosen such a nerdy challenge for yourself?"� Well, for the past three years I have been attending roughly %75 of my classes; a respectable record. My GPA hovers somewhere around a 3.0 and my teachers have all seemed to like me a little bit. All in all, I have a pretty average college student record on my hands. I will not graduate early, I will not be on the Dean's List and I will not get any Latin after my name on my diploma"¦I need something to set me apart from all my fellow students. They may boast a 4.0, an acceptance letter to Yale Law and a stunning, blonde girlfriend. But I can stand there stoically and say, "Yes, that's all very well and good, but I went to all my classes this semester"¦what do you have to say now?"� Then I slap them with my glove, pull myself onto my horse and ride off into the morning fog. How thrilling it will be.

It may seem pretty easy to go to all your classes. Hell, some of you may even do this regularly. But for me this is big. To haul myself out of bed and make it on time to my 11:30 has become increasingly difficult with each passing year. At first, I would struggle to make it there shaved and showered. Then I skipped the shave. Then I skipped the shower. Then I just skipped altogether; my dreams being more important than the real world (is Keira Knightley going to rub my back in real life? I think not). As you can see, this is going to be very difficult for me.

So, wish me luck on completing this task. I do not know if I will be able to accomplish such an amazing feat, but I will certainly try. So far, I'm going strong at two weeks. I will keep you updated as to my progress and will be honest if I fail. Now, it is late and Keira has the oil ready"¦I have to get to bed.

People You Love

Here at "A Word From The Streets"� we have been constantly accused of promoting hateful sentiments. While I cannot agree with these allegations, I have bended to the pressure a bit. For the twentieth edition of the Famous Hate List I decided to see not what you hate, but what you love. Here it is, People You Love.

*Next week we'll go back to the usual Hate List. Please submit your entries at suxatlife@hotmail.com

MINE:

Holding Hank: Nothing can brighten my day quite like someone holding the door for me. While it may be a small act of kindness it is one that stays with me all day. It's not that I couldn't open the door for myself; on the contrary, I am much accomplished in the operations of a door. It is that Hank here has taken a few moments out of his day to make mine better. He has inconvenienced himself for my benefit and I appreciate that. And, unlike some of my more barbaric peers, I always make sure to thank him. Hank, you put a smile on my face, made my way through this doorway a bit easier and shown me that you are a humanitarian in the truest sense of the word"¦I Love You!

You, Dude: Seriously bro, you're the best. I know I'm a little fucked up right now but I mean it. Freshman year bro"¦that was crazy. We did some serious shit. I love you, man. C'mere, gimme a hug, dude. You're the best roommate ever. You didn't care when I broke the neon beer sign, you always respect the sock-on-door rule and you never smoke any of my weed without asking. You're the best, dude. I wanna, like, move next door to you someday and we can, like, raise our kids together. Then, like, every weekend, we'll have barbeques and watch football. Once you marry Nicole and I marry Tammy we can totally be best friends forever. Bro, get over here and gimme a fuckin hug. I love you, man"¦I Love You!

The Royal You: This is for all of you out there who faithfully read my column. Maybe it always hasn't been as funny as you might have liked and maybe I haven't adhered to my update every two days regiment as strictly as I should have but you have stuck by me. When I get email from you guys it makes me happy (unless you're telling me I suck) and when I get naked pictures, it makes me even happier. I suppose this is as good a time as any to thank you for all the feedback, the compliments, the medical advice (Jan), and the encouragement. So, to all my readers and without a hint of sarcasm (for once), thank you so much for reading"¦I Love You!

YOURS:

Reader Richard "High School Hero"� K. really loves: What-The-Fuck Willie - This is the guy who you can always count on for a laugh. He's too dumb or stoned to realize he's such a fucking moron that it's amusing to everyone else in the class/hallway/lunchroom/etc... I always have one of these dumb bastards (and sometimes, 2) in my class. Usually, he's the only entertainment in the hell that shall remain nameless...Well, keep tokin up and don't drop out...I don't feel like taking up this role again. Love ya, guy.
*Author's Note: "A Word From The Streets"� does not endorse the use of illegal drugs by high schoolers unless they plan on sharing

Reader Hilary G. really loves (in list form):
-People you know so well that you can insult and not worry/care about them feeling insulted
-people who are hilariously self-deprecating
-people who put up depressing away messages that aren't meant to be funny, but are
-people who leave cell phone messages like, "there's a party in my pants and you're invited."
-women on the mid-day talks shows who say stuff like, "I am big and I am beautiful beeotch; which do guys like better: a cot or a water bed?!!!" and then flash the audience
-the kid in everyone's math class who sits in the back and sleeps and makes everyone else look good in comparison
-Chad Michael Murray!
-Conan O'Brien
- Street Seidell
-the creepy old guy by the pool who always compliments my tan
*Author's Note: The last two entries are one in the same.

Reader Stoic K. really loves: I love the penny saver checkout lady: This is the lady who always picks up the small denomination of change and gives you back the whole bill. Example: you buy a pack of gum, it comes to $3.04, so instead of making you pay the other 4 cents by breaking a dollar and having to spend the rest of the day walking around with a huge amount of clanging change in your pocket, she just comps you the four cents. Oh how I love her, if she were 30 years younger, had less piercing and didn't smell like Lysol, I would ask her to marry me. I love you "Penny saver, checkout lady."

Stoic K. also loves: I love anyone who gives you the "wave" when you give them your turn in a traffic situation. Example: you find yourself driving down a narrow road, but in the distance you see a massive SUV driving toward you, so instead of continuing on, you pull off to the side and allow the vehicle to pass even though you have the right of way, as it passes, you get the "thank you wave." It's not that big of a deal but it's a nice common courtesy. I know I'm not the only one who gets pissed when you're sitting there waiting, doing something nice for another driver only to not get the "wave." It makes you want to turn around and follow the asshole home, then wait outside until he or she sleeps and then murder the whole family in their beds then find their parents and murder them for raising such a fucking asshole of a person. SO WAVE GOD DAMNIT, so that I can love you. . . .

Reader Chrissy W. really loves: I love the college professor who is a decent teacher but just doesn't give a shit about any rules. He knows plenty about his trade and is totally willing to help anyone who needs it, but at the same time he has a complete disregard for any school policy. When talking about rules, this professor will gladly tell you the best way possible to break pretty much every single rule on the list. He'll encourage you to harass the resident Rent-A-Cops, make fun of the school administrators, and piss off the janitors, all while telling hilarious stories of his past experiences doing so. Awesome college professor, I really love you!

Reader Ashleigh F. really loves: Friendly Tattoo Guy"¦It's great to receive friendly service from your restaurant waiter or bookstore cashier, even when they only have to interact with you for a few minutes of their day. But it's AWESOME when you receive a cool tat from Friendly Tattoo Guy. Whether this tattoo is your first or your fifth, this dude knows how to treat you well. He always makes sure you're comfortable, he tells you you're cute when you flinch, and his gentle touch eases the annoying sting of his needle. Yes, you know full well that you're only one of about a million customers he's had, but Friendly Tattoo Guy makes you feel special nonetheless. You don't even need to show him your boobs (unless they're being inked) in order to receive your "special customer discount"�"¦The store policy says there's a $50 minimum on all tattoos, but you know that a smile is all it takes to make it $35. Friendly Tattoo Guy knows you need the extra money for books and booze, so he's cool, unlike that bitch in the next booth who overcharges for her shitty-ass handiwork"¦.But let's not hate; feel the love! I love you, Friendly Tattoo Guy!

Ashleigh also loves: Boozefest Babysitter"¦We've all been to parties where there are a few designated drivers, or those who are only there to hold the hair of puking girlfriends, but none quite measure up to Boozefest Babysitter. While those other guys are standing in the corner whining about their duties and scoffing snobily at the fall-down drunks, BB is having a great time. When you stumble past the couch and almost knock over his Budweiser lamp, he's there to catch *you* and not his lamp. This dude might have barely met you, but he'll still hold your hand to guide you up the stairs, hold your hair while you lean into the sink, and kiss you on the cheek when you say you're so embarrassed to look so unhot in front of him...even while there's regurgitated Bacardi dripping down your chin. It takes a big man to endure the sound of so much violent gagging, but an even bigger man can do it for you before he's even learned your name. BB is somehow able to go through this with four different people, drink a bit, and enjoy himself all in one night. And when you see him the next Monday on your way to Classical Mythology, he gives you a big hug as you proclaim, "I love you!"�

Finally, Ashleigh's last entry is one I think we can all agree on. She loves: Adorable Humor Columnist from New York"¦Even when I'm fall-down drunk, I am usually not willing to show my bare boobs to any random stranger. But when one handsome internet Humor Columnist comes along, gives me the ride of my life with every word on the screen, and then asks the ladies to send him pictures of our boobs, I can't help but comply. That's the first sign that he's a truly gifted man. Humor Columnist not only speaks truths that others are afraid to speak, but he does so in a manner that puts a smile on my face and a quiver in my thigh. He claims to be chubby and undesirable, but anyone who has seen his CampusHook pics knows that he's just trying to cover for being so adorable. He also says that he doesn't have the best of luck with the ladyfolk, but anyone who doesn't love him--for the adorably funny Irish hotness that he is"”is a total hagslut. If Humor Columnist ever stopped writing, I would have little motivation for visiting the website that hosts his columns. Oh, Adorable Humor Columnist from New York, I LOVE YOU!
*Author's Note: While Ashleigh may have capitalized certain words in her entry, I do not feel I am equal to God"¦yet. Also, Ashleigh has fantastic breasts. Finally, she better not be talking about Neil Janowitz (author of "A Life in the Day"�)

Well, that's all for the Love List. Join me next week when we return to the usual "hateful"� format. Please send your submissions for the Famous Hate List to suxatlife@hotmail.com. Thank you and, once again, I Love You (until next week when I'm back to hating you).

A Lyme At a Time

About 1 week ago, my knees started to hurt. It was nothing new, I'm always in pain and I'm always sick. My roommates have taken to calling my "The Host"� (I finally got a nickname!) due to a 10 month cold I developed sophomore year. Everyone had their own theory for my chronic illness; my dad thought it was my weight, my mom thought it was my smoking, and my friends all just assumed I was faking it. But I knew there had to be some more serious, more sympathy-producing reason for my mysterious illnesses.

So my knees hurt and this time I was going to do something about it. Normally when any of my joints started to act up I just assumed it was because I was a fat, lazy bastard. But I haven't gained any weight recently and I decided to go to my school's health center.

Now, I know most of you don't know a thing about Fordham University, but if you did you would know that they are the number one recommenders of Tylenol Cold and Sinus. Why? Because every single person that comes in, no matter what the symptoms, is diagnosed with a sinus infection. I wasn't going to be bullied around anymore and I insisted I get some blood work done.

This morning I got a call from the health center"¦my tests had come back. I went in to learn that I was HIV Negative (YES!) but very positive for Lyme Disease (SHIT!). But the fun doesn't stop there. The Lyme Disease that is sitting in my body seems to have been sitting there or at least 2 years. "Well,"� I thought, "that explains a lot"� as I wiped the blood from my ears.

Eager to find out what's going to happen to my already overburdened body, I hit WebMD which proceeded to scare the shit out of me. I learned that I can get a cool thing called arthritis or maybe even a little partial paralysis. Neat. Things were going well for me. I called my house to tell them the news and my Dad told me that I "should probably get that taken care of."� Ok Dad"¦I think I will.

I think I will take my dad's advice and go see a real doctor. Hopefully there is some kind of drug they can give me that will make me not sick and not sore. I hope more than anything that there is some new miracle drug that is some kind of mix between Trimspa and Vicadin. Please, keep me in your prayers.

But the cost of drugs for this terrible illness is more than my skinny wallet can handle. I don't have a lot of money and, with my little sister also in college, my parents don't have a lot either. That's why I ask you to give generously to the Streeter Lyme Disease Relief Fund. For just dollars a day, you can help cure a sick humor columnist. Think of the joy on his face when he cashes your check. You'll be bringing a smile to a very sick little boy.

The Streeter Lyme Disease Relief Fund is an independent organization with no ties to big business or even the government. Please, for only $500 a year you can make sure that Streeter still has the ability to write his little column. Please email me and let me know how much you are willing to pledge. I sincerely hope that Streeter and his illness has touched you the way that he has touched so many others, legally.

Seriously, send me money"¦my electrical bill is huge this month.

MTV Offices, New York City
RE: Road Rules Mega-Extreme, Spring 2005 season.
Official Proposals Meeting Transcript

Mary Ellis Bunin (producer, creator)
"Ok folks, last season's road rules really challenged the contestants in ways they never expected. It was our highest rated version of the series yet. I see these figures and one thing is very clear"¦the viewers like watching the cast overcome challenges. So, for Road Rules Mega-Extreme I think we should push the envelope even more. Any ideas?"�

Randy Conrad (production assistant)
"Well Mary, research shows that viewers do not like seeing the cast get voted off. But we still want to present some sort of punishment for losing challenges, right? So, how about this"¦if your team loses more than three challenges, not only do you not get the mega-key, you have to nominate one of your teammates to get shot by Dan Cortez. I figure we let them decide where to get shot. The kids these days love guns, I'm sure this would draw a ton of viewers in."�

MEB
"I like it, Randy. I really think the shooting is a totally great punishment. Oh, and I love the Dan Cortez angle. People love seeing b-list celebrities on reality shows"¦I mean, you've seen The Surreal Life, right? Ok, so we'll do the shooting thing. I think we should use maybe a 9mm or a .38 special"¦something with a small caliber. Let's not forget, they still have to compete after getting shot so we don't want to rip too big a hole in their flesh. Any other ideas on how we could make this season even more extreme?"�

Sally Robertson (casting)
"Yeah Mary, I have something. We all know viewers like the sexy element of the show. People want to see the cast-mates hookup. So why not just force the cast to have sex with each other? We can make it one of the challenges, ya know? We'll be like "˜you need to have sex with four cast mates in 5 minutes or you fail the challenge' or something like that. How's that?"�

MEB
"Oohhh, I like it. That's genius. But I think there may be some trouble finding a girl that slutty. Oh, you know what, give the real World people a call and see if Trishelle is doing anything in October. Great, we're really getting some great stuff here. Who else has an idea?"�

Tommy Canton (intern)
"Why don't we, like, get them to, like, eat poop and shit?"�

MEB
"Tommy, go get some coffee for everyone"¦great."�

Randall McPhearson (asst. director)
"You know, last season I was thinking this show is missing something and now I realize what that was. Remember the episode where they had to eat all that disgusting stuff? Well, everyone really liked that one but I don't think it was mega-extreme enough. How about this"¦ready"¦they have to eat a PERSON! Cannibalism is a hot topic this season and I think we better ride that wave. I say we pay some peasant's family to give up a kid or something. Of course, they would have to be fully cooked. Here's the catch"¦we don't tell them the thing they just ate was a person until AFTER THEY EAT HIM!"�

MEB
"perfect"¦.PERFECT! That is just the angle we need here. I love it"¦no, I NEED it! Randall, this is why you've come so far in this business; you're always one step ahead of the game. Ok, so we've got the gun wounds, the forced sex and the cannibalism"¦this is good but we need one more thing to make this truly mega-extreme"¦c'mon people, this is what we do."�

Carol Silverstein (Editor)
"I might have something here. Picture this"¦the cast goes through a whole season of challenges, they get to know and love each other, they collect their winnings and they get on a plane to go home. But, and here's the final twist, their plane crashes on the way home on a desert island. Of course, we'll have to island completely covered in hidden cameras and microphones. Then we tape them for the next 6 months as they try to survive on this island. Hopefully they'll all live through the crash. That right there is a whole other season"¦we get two seasons for the price of one! Whatcha think?"�

MEB
"What do I think? I think we've got ourselves an Emmy is what I think! People, this is going to be the greatest season of Road Rules yet. I want to thank you all for your great ideas. So, let's just find a good island for this and try to get Trishelle on board for the sex challenge. Oh, I think we should have two black people on this one"¦actually, nah, let's just stick to one"¦It's fun watching them try to relate to all the white, preppy college kids."�



*It was recently brought to my attention that Mary Ellis Bunin passed away from cancer. I was not aware of this at the time I wrote this article. I hope this does not offend anyone as it was not intended to. I also hope you, nor I, do not die as well. Thank You, Streeter J. Seidell.

The Streety Awards II

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the voting for the second bi-monthly Streety Awards. The Streetys are decided by you, not some overpaid industry "expert"� sitting around sipping mochas and lighting Cubans with his intern's hair. Also, the Streetys cover all manner of entertainment while ignoring such awards as "best digital sound editing"� and "best use of duct tape on a soap opera set"� so you get to the good stuff. Without further ado, here are your nominees for the second 2004 Streety Awards.

Who farted?
1. Oprah
2. Keenan
3. Cedric the Entertainer
4. The Dog

Funniest Political News Program
1. FOX News
2. The Daily Show
3. Hardball
4. Crossballs

Worst Nickname
1. Le Douche
2. Skidmark
3. Slutron 2000
4. Herp

Best New Sports Trend
1. Poker
2. Dodgeball
3. Volleyball
4. Metered Decathlon (Romanian Version)

Most Un-Funny Person Still Making Horrible Movies
1. Adam Sandler
2. Rob Schnieder
3. Jim Carey
4. Dana Carvey

Bets Formerly Funny TV Show That Has Overstayed Its Welcome
1. That 70s Show
2. The Simpsons
3. The Newlyweds (debatable, might not have been funny in the first place)
4. Saved By The Bell; The dead-end Career Years

Best Fake Breasts
1. Lindsey Lohan
2. Pamela Anderson
3. Jenna Jameson
4. Condoleezza Rice

Best Line For Getting A Freshman Girl To Go Home With You
1. "I live off campus."�
2. "All the girls in my class are fat."�
3. "I just got tested last week."�
4. "Hi."�

Best Chin
1. Ashlee Simpson
2. Jay Leno
3. Superman (cartoon version)
4. Michael Moore (has three)

Male Celebrity I Would Most Like To Fight
1. Ted Nudgent
2. That nerdy guy from "Honey, I Shrunk the Kids"�
3. Fez From "That 70s Show."�
4. Frankie Munitz

Best Celebrity Famous For No Reason
1. Paris Hilton
2. Nicky Hilton
3. Ebeneezer Hilton III
4. Wendell "˜Chubs' Hilton

Funniest Movie of the Summer
1. "Napoleon Dynamite"�
2. "Without a Paddle"�
3. "Fahrenheit 9/11"�
4. "Streeter Walks Into Screen Door"� (Home Movie)

Best Way to Drink a Beer
1. Shotgun
2. Beerbong
3. "CHUG, CHUG, CHUG!"�
4. Depressed, alone in your Mom's basement.

Most Essential Item For Freshmen
1. Condoms, Birth control pills
2. George Foreman Grill
3. School Hoodie
4. Dad's credit card

Preferred Brand of Toe-less Shoe
1. REEF
2. Birkenstock
3. TEVA
4. K-Mart Red Light Special- Canvas Deck Flip Flop $3.99

Best Snack Cracker
1. Saltines
2. Toastables
3. Ritz
4. Wheat Thins

Worst Excuse For Missing Class
1. "I died"�
2. "There was a really good song on the radio"�
3. "I didn't buy the book."�
4. "My house got stolen."�

How Good at Football Were You in High School
1. State Champs, dude, all four years.
2. eh"¦I was more of a wrestler.
3. More interested in the cheerleaders
4. The bench has never been so warm.

Funniest Movie When You Were 9
1. "Beetlejuice"�
2. "Home Alone 2; Lost in new York."�
3. "Ghostbusters"�
4. "Big"�

Best Place Celebrities Go To Die
1. "The Surreal Life"�
2. "Hollywood Squares"�
3. "I Love The 80s/90s"�
4. Thailand

The New Black is"¦
1. Brown
2. Pink
3. Mauve
4. your sister's boyfriend.


Please email your votes to suxatlife@hotmail.com. When all the votes are tallied, I'll announce the winners. Write-ins are welcome.

Dear "A Word From the Streets"� Readers and people who might have Googled my name,

If NBC's "Law & Order"� has taught us anything about New York City it is that dead bodies are discovered there on a fairly regular basis"”usually before the opening credits and if it's a very special episode maybe forty minutes later. Well I've been an official Bronxite for about two years now and my corpse/hour ratio has been severely lacking. I guess things would be different if I were a young Hispanic boy who played in empty lots Well boy did my luck change this afternoon. This is all to say that Streeter Seidell, your beloved columnist is dead.

In retrospect the first thing I should have done was call the police or an ambulance, but seeing as I discovered him slumped over his keyboard with what would have been his one-hundredth entry for "A Word From the Streets"� still in progress I felt it was my duty to inform you, his adoring public. I fleetingly considered finishing his final column"”a fake term paper about a time traveling medieval lord who was having an awesome time at summer camp that you hate"”but decided not to tamper with what might later have serious posthumous potential on the auction block.

So after making sure that there was no possible way that I could be held accountable for anything that might have happened to my roommate in the last eight to twelve hours, stealing what was left of his cigarettes and watching a preview of the new season of "The Real World,"� I sat down at the poor bastard's Compaq and decided to let you all know about Streets' passing on. I also have decided to blame the shit out of you for it.

Let's face facts; that much blood could only mean one thing. It's quite clear that the man's brain exploded. Over the past five months Streeter had been complaining of increasingly severe headaches and menstrual pain, picked himself up a pretty serious meth addiction and become a huge fan of R. Kelly's "U Saved Me."� He had also written almost a hundred pieces for College Humor. I see an obvious correlation. If it weren't for you readers and your needy little brains I'd still have a roommate and we'd probably be eating nachos with our shirts off right now. I also wouldn't have to pull an extra five hundred dollars out of my ass every month to make up for the dead kid's share of the rent.

With the national media's tendency to focus on the trendy epidemics like teenage pregnancy, childhood obesity or increased drug use by white upper-middle-class kids it's far too easy to forget another plague attacking our country's youth: writing. Every year literally tens of bloggers fall prey to their craft. Most are left with cripplingly bothersome injuries such as carpal tunnel syndrome or drying of the eyes due to intense staring at a screen for prolonged periods. But some, like our fallen hero Streeter, are so mentally taxed by their need to provide the world their clever musings that their brain simply collapses in on itself.

Some might blame VH-1 or E! whose entire programming deludes these poor kids into thinking that there might somehow be a career in, "saying some funny shit about some other shit"� on cable television. Others might point the finger in the general direction of websites such as Collegehumor.com who allow an outlet for unfiltered ranting. But I say the guilt rests solely on the demanding public who ever so gently pressure kids like Streeter into this situation by sending him positive feedback and even submissions. Do you know how hard it was for him to fill his half of "Hate List 19"� without being explicitly racist? This is truly peer pressure at its most heinous.

The shame is that Senators Ted Kennedy and Orin Hatch were introducing bi-partisan legislation into the house last week that would have federally mandated regulation of online writers. The so called "One Column, One Week"� Law might have saved Streets' life, but I fear the wheels of bureaucracy have spun too slowly this time. My only hope is that Streeter's tragic death will speed up the legislative process before some elementary school kid meets the same end imitating his hero.

If any of you parasites are interested, and I'm sure you are, I'll be auctioning most of Streeter's worldly possessions on Ebay over the weekend with all proceeds going to the Streeter Seidell Brain Explosion Prevention Fund. This new charity will help keep at risk teenagers and young adults away from computers through their college years; because the only real solution to this problem is to prevent young writers from getting an audience in the first place.

Now if you will allow me to excuse myself I have some cleaning up to do. You make me sick.

Insincerely Yours,
Matt Lynch

I, like Jay Z, have some problems. And what a coincidence, we both have 99. And since this is the 99th edition of my column, what better a time to tell you about them.

1. A bitch is one.
2. I really need a haircut and they don't know how to cut white people's hair in my neighborhood.
3. I can't think of a catchy name for my new band ("Stinky Pinky and the Shockers"� was rejected by my fellow bandmates)
4. The girls at school look better than last year and I look worse.
5. I spent way too much money at IKEA.
6. 9 of my 11 white shirts have some kind of stain.
7. I might have to live another four years with W. in the White House.
8. Both my roommates have serious girlfriends while I continue to please myself in my room"¦alone"¦sitting Indian style.
9. My knee hurts.
10. So does my elbow.
11. My roommate found a roach in my apartment today"¦just when I finish decorating, this place goes to shit!
12. I've just found out that I, issue for issue, have more typos, grammatical errors: and misplaced aggression than any other columnist for this site.
13. I also have a lot of freckles on my shoulder which aren't very attractive.
14. I need to cut my fingernails but all I have is a toenail clipper and I fear that it will cut my fingernails too short.
15. I also need to cut my toenails, but I can't touch my toes.
16. I only have one pair of shorts and about a week ago I sat in gum and I can't figure out how to get it out.
17. I have 2 computers (one laptop, one desktop) and I can't decide which one I should look at porn on.
18. I just found out that my sister makes more money than I do"¦I should become a bookie too.
19. I bought too much NyQuil at Costco and the only way I'm ever going to use all of it is if I stay sick for the next 32 years.
20. My car is sitting in my school's lot with a dead battery and no one will drive over there to jump me.
21. After 21 years of learning I still can't spell "Autstraila"�
22. My teeth have been declining in whiteness exponentially for the past 7 years.
23. I've been getting gassier lately.
24. I won a big poker game against my friends last night but then they all got mad at me.
25. Even though the weather has cooled off, I continue to sweat like a grill cook in Mexico.
26. I haven't left the country in over 6 months.
27. The amount of earwax that was on my last Q-tip could have supplied the Yankee Candle Company with raw materials for 9 years.
28. thespacebaronmycomputerisn'tworkingaswellasitusedto.
29. People keep saying I've really "filled out"� but I know what they really mean.
30. Apparently, kicking a homeless person is illegal. I wish someone told me that before Friday night.
31. People keep getting mad at me for using their names in my column. Seriously, Kyle Hunts, it's not a big deal.
32. I watched TRL the other day and I didn't know one band on the show"¦I'm getting very old.
33. I'm running out of stuff to bitch about and I'm only 1/3 done with this list.
34. I've slept with 9 people, 8 of which have immediately gone to sleep, 1 of which stayed up and watched my "Family Guy"� DVD.
35. I threw up in my mouth earlier today.
36. Shit"¦I just did it again.
37. My toothbrush is the most primitive of all the one's in my apartment.
38. My tan is fading from a nice "milky white"� to an unattractive "ghostly white."�
39. The price of milk has gone up again. What's going on? Did cows start filing sexual harassment claims?
40. By this point in his life, my Dad was married. I, as I said before, continue to pleasure myself in my room"¦alone"¦sitting Indian style.
41. I continue to make friends with people who have much more money, style, and confidence than I do. On the bright side, I make a fantastic wingman.
42. I bought a chair the other day that I cannot fit in.
43. Slowly, my state of the art phone is become a Zak Morris.
44. I'm old enough to get Zack Morris references.
45. I'm so comically untalented that I need to resort to Zak Morris jokes.
46. I'm now too fat to tie my shoes comfortably.
47. I've just been through the last summer I will ever have. From now on Summer will just be the hot time of the year when I still have to go to work.
48. My yacht's crew has been complaining about the workload I assign them.
49. Slowly but surely, hair is creeping onto my chest.
50. Despite my best efforts and encouragements, my penis seems to have stopped growing.
51. Despite my best efforts and discouragements, my love handles continue to grow.
52. I've just realized that you have probably stopped reading this by now"¦I'm not really that interesting.
53. My cousin is in Iraq and seems to be having a better time than I am"¦that's flat out sad.
54. I just learned I fart in my sleep"¦fantastic, I was looking for a way to be more unattractive in my sleep.
55. The dried drool on my pillows is eerily reminiscent of another bodily fluid"¦Jesus, I hope "Roomraiders"� doesn't swing by my place.
56. I cannot get that goddamned song from those fucking Enzyte commercials out of my head.
57. I miss the old version of AIM where the little alert things didn't pop up on my screen all the time and I can't figure out how to get it back.
58. I beginning to think that I should change my email; bong_rip@awesome.com doesn't look that good on a job application.
59. I cannot force myself to burp which has caused me great shame amongst my male (and some female) friends.
60. My classes start tomorrow and I know I will spend the entire time trying to figure out where I should sit next time to get next to the hot girls.
61. After I have found the good seat, I will never summon the courage to say anything to them.
62. I've got fools that want to make sure my casket's closed.
63. The number value of this complaint (63) is greater than the monetary value (in dollars) in my checking account.
64. I got my new school ID today and they have once again used my High School senior portrait for my picture which is great because now every time someone sees it they can say, "Oh my God, is that you? You were so skinny!"�
65. While I think that my column would make a good book, I don't think anyone would buy it.
66. I think I have a self esteem issue of some kind.
67. I also have panic attacks. I made my friend take me to the hospital once. He got a roast beef sandwich while I waited for the tests to get back. Across the hall there was a very old woman with her legs up and no underwear on. I pointed this out to him while he took a bite of his sandwich"¦he doesn't eat roast beef anymore.
68. It's really hard to think of a girl's name that starts with "G"�
69. I haven't done this number in quite some time.
70. I have killed the one and only plant in my apartment not with neglect but with secondhand smoke.
71. I would say that %88 of you lead more exciting lives than I do.
72. The thrill of telling people I live in the Bronx is beginning to wear thin.
73. Girls continue to ignore the fact that I have really great hair.
74. I also have the legs of a female track champion; long, thick, and hairless.
75. Banana republic has sized me out. I am now forced to return to my roots and shop at T-JMaxx
76. My toenails are yellowing"¦I tell people I smoke with my feet.
77. My ride was rejected by MTV for pimping. I really wanted a waterfall and a TV in my trunk too!
78. I went on a ride at an amusement park a few weeks ago and had one of the embarrassing moments of my life. I sat next to my friend who is extremely attractive and the worker at the ride literally had to run full force at the shoulder restraint to get it to close. I broke 2 ribs and lost about 2 gallons of dignity.
79. While being a comedian was impressive 2 years ago, it seems sad when your friends work at banks and investment firms.
80. I spent about $1000 dollars making my apartment cool. But instead of complimenting me on my decorating skills and eye for design, most of my friends just call me a "fag."�
81. I was reprimanded for my failure to meter the last poem I wrote. I can't help it, I'm white.
82. I didn't win one award at this year's VMAs.
83. My 2005 BMW isn't the color I wanted. I yelled at my dad and he said he'd buy me a new one.
84. I didn't think that this issue would take so long"¦I'm missing World Series of Poker for this"¦I hope you're happy.
85. My heartworm medication ran out.
86. Even my best friend's don't really believe that "Streeter Pinkerton Hampton Seidell"� is my real name.
87. My apartment building should have been condemned years ago, instead I pay my landlord 500 dollars a month.
88. I have been taking Trimspa for 2 months and I am yet to be envied.
89. Every time I have a brilliant idea, someone steals it. Some of my previous ones: waterproof cell phone, airplane, the pizzaburger, Thomkin's (Streeter's) theory on Cellular Interaction.
90. My dog doesn't respect me. Maybe he remembers me stealing him away from his mother when he was just a puppy.
91. I made fun of a retarded person on stage at a comedy club on time because I didn't know he was retarded and my comedian friends still think I'm an asshole for it.
92. I can't tell who has an STD and therefore I always think I'm killing someone on the inside when I crack jokes about having one. Well, actually, the Hepatitis is killing them on the inside but you get the point. (That may have been the worst thing I have ever written in my life)
93. If Higgins can't shine my Italian made alligator loafers, I don't know why I hired him in the first place. Honestly, it's impossible to find good help these days.
94. Everyday it seems my morning breath is worse than it was the previous day.
95. Even my hand isn't attracted to my genitals anymore.
96. The stretch marks on my love handles I can live with. The one's on my stomach I can live with. But the ones on my cheeks are really embarrassing.
97. Not enough of you have sent me naked pictures. And I asked so nicely!
98. Just when I buy a bunch of trucker hats, the damn fad goes out of fashion.
99. Damn, I'm a whiny little bitch.