Bad Term Papers

Todd Solomon
Mrs. Heartworth
5th Grade History
8th period

The Renisonse

For a long long time pepul were reel stooped. They used to like killing eechother and eating meat and wearing fur and armur. That was called the dark ages or the mid evil times. Thats when there were nights. I went to mid evil times for my brothers birthday party. It was fun. But then this thing came called the renisonse and pepul got real smart.

The renisonse started in iTally becuz they were the smartest after Americans who wernt there yet. It is really hot in itally and my dad went there for biznes last year and he said it wuz really hot there when he went for biznes lasy year. They all had fun hats and thawt about stuff. After a long time thinking about stuff they started to have a renisonse.

Becuz they were itallyan they were all good at paintings. The to best painters there were called Lenardo davinchi and this guy called rafiel. They painted about jesus and my mom read this book about davichi where she said it was about this guy who wants to solve a mistery about jesus or something. But they wernt just painters: they were good at everything which is why they called them renisonse men.

My dad says hes a renisonse men becuz he can fix stuff and he knows how to play the pyano. But the renisonse was about more than playing pyano and painting, it was also about not going to church:, people didunt like god anymore so they never went to church. They said that sience was way better than god and are all in hell now. I go to church every Sunday with my mom but my dads jewisch so we go to his church on yum kipor.

The renisonse happened a long time ago but it still happens today. They made a lot of cool stuff like buildings and stuff and then went to hell becuz they hated god. Im glad that I dont live in the renisonce because Fathur O Conner says that hell is bad and I shoudnt go there.

By Todd Solomon
 

It's that time again, time to register for next semester's classes. With all these choices it'll be hard to narrow it down. Let's take a look!

OCFU - 1001-019 Gender Politics in "The OC"�, Prof. McNulty
This class will take an in depth look at the gender relations on the hit FOX show "The OC."� Why is Seth such a pussy? Why is Marissa a switch hitter? Why is Zach still on the show? These and other topics tackled in this new, exciting course.
Required Text: "The OC, season one"� DVD, FOX/Searchlight. "It's Only a Phase; Teenage Homosexual Experimentation"� Parker, 2002

SFUB - 2002-001 Easy Mac, How Much is too Much?, Prof. Sherman
We all love Easy Mac, but how far should we allow that love to go? Many students fall victim to its sensible price and easy preparation. Many more students come to rely on it as their only source of food. Is this safe? Professor Sherman, a one-time Easy Mac addict, examines the dangers and pitfalls of students' love affairs with this sodium-rich pasta-esque product.
Required Text: "Blue Box Blues: Kraft Food's Quest to Control the World"� Ross, 2001. "Ramen Noodles: What Kraft Doesn't Want You to Know"� Buyer, 1998

CBSU - 3572-044 Comic Books, Are They Cool Again?, Prof. Shirley
The re-emergence of comic book culture in American popular culture has led many to speculate that comic books are once again cool, is this true? Is it ok to once again admit to owning X-Men #1? Should you retrieve your collection from your parents attic and take it to school with you? Will you get laid if you argue that Magneto isn't bad, he's just confused?
Required Text: "The Graphic Novel: Comic Books for Adult Losers"� Martin, 1999

PORU - 5675-095 Not Again! A Scholarly Take on Bed-Wetting, Prof. Lynch
An insider's look at the phenomenon that is bed-wetting. This once banished childhood problem often comes back to haunt college students. Why? Guest Lecture by MTV's Gideon Yago entitled "I do it too; my struggle with the soggy sheets."� "Blaming it on her"� symposium.
Required Text: "The Tinkle Express; It's Always on Time"� Nairn, 2000. "Puddle of Shame"� Various Authors. 1992

RCMS - 2201-190 Quad Conduct, Knowing Your Place, Prof. Stalwart
When the weather is nice students often congregate on the quad. This class will teach students the various unstated rules that apply to these gatherings. Throw the football, don't punt it. The "˜lil help' distance equation; how far is too far to ask someone to get your Frisbee? One-piece bathing suits; you might as well stay inside. These and other topics explored. Field research required.
Required Text: "Going Commando; What Not to do in Athletic Shorts"� Darcy, 1978

Classes are a joke!

Eric has a new column out today, so check that out. Aaron Karo also has a not only a new column out, but a book as well- "Ruminations on Twentysomething Life" will be available in book stores May 3rd. Word. 

People You Hate XXX

Ah, the Famous Hate List turns thirty today. We've all had so much animosity, so much anger, so much, yes, hate. It's been an incredible thirty issues and on this, a magical day, People You Hate has been transformed into Inanimate Objects You Hate. Please, read on and find out why I hate window fans.

*Remember, if you want to be included in the Famous Hate List, email me your submission at Streeter@streeterseidell.com. Whether it's a person, thing or fellow contributor you hate, let me have it. Check out
Parking Tickets: Everybody says, "You don't need a car in New York."� I always thought these people were jealous idiots until the parking tickets starting racking up. I've (or my father, actually) paid over $500 in parking tickets so far and still have four in judgment. AWESOME! So, parking tickets, I hate you. I see you on my car in the morning and you immediately ruin my day. Your bright orange envelope screams, "Guess what, asshole? You owe us $45 now"¦sucker!"� I stuff you in my glove box or tear you up and throw you away, but eventually you get back to me. My parents call to say they received a letter from the city of New York and I already know it's you, waiting to empty my wallet and ruin my good mood. Fuck you parking ticket, and fuck the stupid asses that write you. That's a whole other hate list right there. Wait for it, I'm seething. Parking tickets"¦I Hate You!

Febreze Bottles: When I buy something, I like to get my money's worth. Therefore when I purchase a bottle of Febreze I expect to use all of it. However, the demons at Febreze headquarters in Fuckton, Iowa have designed the pump mechanism to stop working when the bottle is halfway full. This causes me to buy another bottle because, let's face it, it's cheaper than laundry. But that doesn't mean I'm not angry. You're not Heinz Ketchup, you half-assed clothes freshener, nobody finds it charming when you can't get the last drop out of the bottle. Figure out a way - like every other company that uses spray bottles - to make it work to the end. I'm sick of having three half-empty bottles of your fucking spray lying around. Oh, and I want my money back, you lying douchebags. Febreze"¦I Hate You!

YOURS:

Reader Shelby S. of the University of Colorado really hates: My bed loft... I mean, I GUESS the thing serves a purpose since I can shove everything under it so we actually have room to walk around in our 10X10 dorm room, but the thing is pure evil. First of all, I hit my head on it every time I go to sit down at my desk, or get up from my desk. And the thing is so high (I'm 5'10'' and I can stand under it) that the only way to get into it at night is to set my chair next to my window, climb onto the windowsill, and then up into the bed. Do you have any idea how fun it is to do that drunk? Also, it's next to impossible to make the damn bed. You have to climb up onto the bed to get everything down, then climb back down and gather up all the sheets and wash them, then climb back up with the fitted sheet and get two of the corners on and then climb back down and get the other two corners on and then climb back up to put the top sheet on and then climb back down to get the blanket and then climb back up to put the blanket on, and then back down to get the pillows, and then back up to put the pillows on. It's a 45 minute aerobic work-out! And the damn thing is a total safety hazard! Do you want to know the coordination involved in trying to get out of the damn thing to go pee in the middle of the night when you're drunk?! It's IMPOSSIBLE. I full on fell out one night and got a 15'' bruise on my thigh. Bed lofts are the most dangerous, inconvenient, ridiculous inventions known to man and I HATE THEM.

Reader Nate H. from Detroit really hates: Jello with any kind of fruit in it. My mouth has enough to do when it tries to talk women into removing their tops for the teddy bear with camera lenses for eyes. It doesn't need to wonder if it should chew the fruit or let it slide down the gullet with the rest of the Jello goodness. Choking is for the birds. Chicks specifically.

Reader Patrick P. from high school really hates: I hate forwarded text messages! As if email forwards weren't enough, people are sending them to my phone now! At least the countless pieces of shitmail in my hotmail inbox can be received and deleted free of charge, but it actually costs money to get them on my phone. Why don't you start sending me a fricking dollar with that forward, you lameass? And in case you hadn't noticed, sending that message to 20 people didn't help you lose your virginity on Valentine's Day! Maybe you should take your fingers off the buttons on your phone and try inserting them into a girl; that seems to work a little better!

Reader Philip of Tusculum College really hates: Locks. Locks are running rampant. They are particularly found in such obnoxious places as doors. While useful for pleasuring oneself, the lock can sneak up on you when you go to the bathroom. Just what I need in the middle of the night is to leave my room to piss, and come back to find that I can't get in my fucking room, where sleep lives. Apparently these assholes want to fuck with us here, since we used to have covert ninja-style methods of breaking into our rooms, but we leave for spring break and they change the locks so we have to have keys to get in! The humanity! I think the lock is the invention of the Lonely Security Insomniac, who feels that he needs to have contact with us in the middle of the night. Fuck him, and fuck locks. I FUCKING HATE LOCKS!!!

Reader John S. from Iowa State really hates: I hate the cold, lifeless heart of an ex-girlfriend who was the one to cheat on me. After later dating a chick, then a married guy, that same lifeless heart decided to call after 8 months to say she's engaged, and would love for me to consider coming to the wedding because I'm an important part of her life (even though my last comment was "I would recommend staying away from married guys.")

Reader Heather R. of the US Navy really hates: Velcro. It just pisses me off and it's totally useless. I hate Ashton Kutcher, because if his dick isn't an inanimate object, I don't what is. I hate our slow ass computers. I'm sure we can afford a larger bandwidth, or we can do the smart thing and kick off all the civilian workers that are crowding it up. Oh wait...I forgot...if it makes sense, it's not the Navy way. I hate daylight savings time. Ben Franklin, you moron, what the hell were you thinking? We really don't need an extra hour to farm anymore. It just means that now I have to wake up an hour earlier. I HATE IT ALL!

Reader Carlos of the US Marine Corps really hates: Styrofoam peanuts. Great Caesar's ghost I fuckin' hate styrofoam peanuts! If I come within 10 ft of somebody opening up a new TV or a box of dildos, I immediately start going into convulsions like an epileptic doing the hokey pokey. That "squeaky-squeak-fuck-squeakin"� noise goes straight to my inner ear and makes me feel like I'm either pissing on the third rail at Grand Central Station or I'm making sweet love to an electric fence. If I end up in hell, I'm sure I'll end up in the fucking stryrofoam factory down there. Styrofoam peanut...I Hate You!

Finally, Reader Mike S. from U of Buffalo really hates: Those generic shitty AA batteries that last for about 12 seconds in any respectable appliance. You know, the kind you end up buying at Wal-mart because you're a fucking college student, and you're too damn cheap to get REAL batteries. These are the ones with labels like Duralaxx, or the Energizinator. They're only 12 cents cheaper than the name brands but so what? So you get them, put them in your camera, turn it on, and 2 ½ pictures later you get the little blinking battery light....what the fuck is this? Do I need to carry a backpack of batteries to take a roll of film? Fuck that! To all you manufacturers who make these shitty batteries, I hope you stick your heads in a tub of burning battery acid. Next time I see you I'm using your crappy batteries to chuck at your face or your new fuckin car...at least they have some good there....fuckin AA batteries... I HATE YOU!!!!

Well, that's all for the 30th edition of the Famous Hate List. Join me next time when we return to the regular People You Hate formula. Also, remember to email me your submissions at Streeter@streeterseidell.com. . If you saw something you didn't like on here, write a submission about the person that wrote it for the reader-on-reader hate section. Check out  

Fall 2005 Course Booklet

It's that time again, time to register for next semester's classes. With all these choices it'll be hard to narrow it down. Let's take a look!

OCFU - 1001-019 Gender Politics in "The OC"�, Prof. McNulty
This class will take an in depth look at the gender relations on the hit FOX show "The OC."� Why is Seth such a pussy? Why is Marissa a switch hitter? Why is Zach still on the show? These and other topics tackled in this new, exciting course.
Required Text: "The OC, season one"� DVD, FOX/Searchlight
"It's Only a Phase; teenage homosexual experimentation"� Parker, 2002

SFUB - 2002-001 Easy Mac, How Much is too Much?, Prof. Sherman
We all love Easy Mac, but how far should we allow that love to go? Many students fall victim to its sensible price and easy preparation. Many more students come to rely on it as their only source of food. Is this safe? Professor Sherman, a one-time Easy Mac addict, examines the dangers and pitfalls of students' love affairs with this sodium-rich pasta-esque product.
Required Text: "Blue Box Blues: Kraft Food's Quest to Control the World"� Ross, 2001
"Ramen Noodles: What Kraft Doesn't Want You to Know"� Buyer, 1998

CBSU - 3572-044 Comic Books, Are They Cool Again?, Prof. Shirley
The re-emergence of comic book culture in American popular culture has led many to speculate that comic books are once again cool, is this true? Is it ok to once again admit to owning X-Men #1? Should you retrieve your collection from your parents attic and take it to school with you? Will you get laid if you argue that Magneto isn't bad, he's just confused?
Required Text: "The Graphic Novel: Comic Books for Adult Losers"� Martin, 1999

PORU - 5675-095 Not Again! A Scholarly Take on Bed-Wetting, Prof. Lynch
An insider's look at the phenomenon that is bed-wetting. This once banished childhood problem often comes back to haunt college students. Why? Guest Lecture by MTV's Gideon Yago entitled "I do it too; my struggle with the soggy sheets."� "Blaming it on her"� symposium.
Required Text: "The Tinkle Express; It's Always on Time"� Nairn, 2000
"Puddle of Shame"� Various Authors. 1992

RCMS - 2201-190 Quad Conduct, Knowing Your Place, Prof. Stalwart
When the weather is nice students often congregate on the quad. This class will teach students the various unstated rules that apply to these gatherings. Throw the football, don't punt it. The "˜lil help' distance equation; how far is too far to ask someone to get your Frisbee? One-piece bathing suits; you might as well stay inside. These and other topics explored. Field research required.
Required Text: "Going Commando; What Not to do in Athletic Shorts"� Darcy, 1978

Classes are a joke!
 

Hello Mr. Seidell, I hear you're looking for an apartment in Manhattan. Ok, ok, great. Now, are you employed? I see, so you'll start as soon as you graduate? Great, now do you have a roommate? Ok, is she employed? Good, good. Well, I think I can help. Now, tell me, what are you looking for? So, two bedrooms, good neighborhood, laundry, kitchen, working bathroom and a window or two for under $2,200. Ok, hold on just a second while I go through the listings.

Ah, I don't see anything that fits exactly what you're looking for, but I do have some that are similar, would you like to hear them? Ok, well first I have an amazing two bedroom with lots of light and plenty of room. Does it have electricity? Well no, but there is a garbage can that you can burn newspaper in for heat. No? Ok, ok, no problem, I have plenty of other places. Oooh, here's one you guys might be interested in: $2,100, one bedroom with Styrofoam wall - that makes it a two bedroom - and it comes with a George Foreman grill for cooking. Is the neighborhood safe? Well, there hasn't been any serious crime there in over a month. What's a serious crime? You know, murder, rape, that kind of stuff. No?

Now, this one I think you'll really like. It's in an elevator building in a great neighborhood. Does the elevator work? Well no, not really, but you can take your chances. Anyways, the bedrooms are big enough to fit a whole chest of drawers! What size bed can fit in them? They're not actually big enough for a bed of any kind, but the kitchen has plenty of room for a cot if that's ok? Oh, I see, you actually want to sleep in the bedrooms. Ok, ok, that narrows it down a bit.

Wait, hold on just a second"¦.Yes, ok, this is great. I just got this listing right now. It's not even on the market yet. I have a wonderful space right in lower Manhattan with plenty of room. It has north, south, east AND west exposure, river views; it's really airy. And, the best part is, rent is only $300 per month! Where is it? It's right under the Brooklyn Bridge. Well, no, it's not actually an apartment, per se; it's more of an open air residence. Yeah, it's just a plot of land under the bridge. But I could set you up with a great tent-rental agency that could get you a HUGE tent for real cheap. Oh, and he has lanterns and little gas grills too. No? Are you sure? This place will go quickly. Ok, ok, suit yourself.

Ah, I have one more place you may want to consider. It's a pre-war brownstone on a tree-lined block right in the heart of downtown. The rent? It's $1,900 per month and that includes utilities. It's two real bedrooms big enough to fit king sized beds and has a massive living room and separate kitchen. It's already hard-wired for internet and cable, and you guys would be the first to know about it. Does that place sound ok to you? Really"¦really, you'll take it? Great, great. Ok, so the next step is just all the simple stuff - paper work, applications, credit checks, etc - and we should be able to move you in right away. Oh, yes, I forgot, there is a broker's fee on this place. No, it's not that much. Let's see, it's just $13,000 up front and then an additional $2,000 if you choose to live there longer than three weeks. Oh, and of course, there's the application fees which shouldn't be more than a few thousand dollars. It's all just standard procedure. Well, it may sound pricey but that's the best deal anyone can offer. I see, I see, why yes, we do have some properties in New Jersey.
 

Dear US Weekly,

I admit I have become enamored with your publication. I eagerly await the arrival of your next issue and devour it whole when it comes. You truly have a talent for exposing celebrities for the no-makeup-wearing, dog-walking freaks they are. You hypothesize about coming breakups and delve into the lurid world of celebrity eating disorders. You make guesses about "˜mystery men' and the starlets who love them. You are, on the whole, a great magazine, quenching my thirst for celebrity-related gossip. But must you confuse me so much?

It seems like each week you try wholeheartedly to send me mixed signals. One week it's "˜Jessica Tells Nick to MOVE OUT!' and the next it's "˜Nick and Jess' Steamy Vaycay Photos!' Must you tug on my heartstrings so? Must you toy with my emotions? It is the same with Mary-Kate Olsen. I see the headline, "˜MK Eating Again' and I feel good. "Great,"� I think. "Mary-Kate is winning her battle against anorexia."� But as soon as I feel confident that MK is doing well, I see, "˜MK's Friends Worried About Her Health.' I fear my fragile heart can bear no more of this.

Do you get some sort of sick pleasure from my pain? You make me care about people like Nicolette Sheridan and Orlando Bloom, and then crush my heart with insider stories about their latest bout with cocaine or the LAPD. Look, make up your mind, ok? Are Brad and Jen divorced or working it out? Is Lindsay Lohan a victim of the Hollywood machine or an alcohol-crazed bitch? Is Britney pregnant or just overweight? Is Ryan Cabrerra a human or a robot sent from hell to make me kick my TV in? I need you to give me a definitive answer, not tug me one way then another.

I know, I know, you need to sell magazines, right? If you keep changing the story to build tension you'll have more readers. I get it, but that doesn't mean that it's right. I often read back issues of your magazine garnered from friends' bathrooms. Then, at some point later, I will try to drop some information I picked up there. "Did you hear Britney kicked Kevin out?"� I'll say ever so smugly only to be rebuked by my better-informed friends. "You idiot, that was last week. This week they're renewing their vows."� I hang my head in shame and it's all due to your constant back-and-forth rumor-spreading.

I'm not telling you what to do, but I just wish that you would stick to one story line. This constant back and forth is wearing me down - not to mention the people who have been reading you for years. Imagine these folks: good people who only want to be informed about their favorite personalities. These people have endured your meddling since the Jean Benet-Ramsey murder and the Heaven's Gate Cult. I can't even begin to imagine how many angles and revisions you've pitched at them. And every time you change your story, they follow along like sheep in the flock because they don't know any better. Well, I do.

Please, I beg you, stop these practices at once. No more, "Michael Guilty!"� followed by "Michael Framed!"� No more, "Colin Farrell Hopeless Drunk"� followed by "Colin Farrell Caring Father."� No more, "Britney's Comeback"�"¦ever. Please, pick an angle and stick with it; my emotions cannot bear any more of you spinnery. You rip through my heart like a whirlwind of lies, forever tainting my hopes that there is pure love, hopeless devotion and steady careers in this world. Please, US Weekly, stop tearing me apart.

Sincerely, Streeter Seidell
 

The period from the first of April - or April Fools Day as it is scientifically known - till the middle of May marks the stretch; the dead time between spring break and the end of the year when college students are pushed to the brink of insanity. Surviving the stretch, as I have done three times, is not an easy task. The days are longer, the nights are shorter and your roommate's habit of singing along to Ashlee Simpson songs seems more annoying by the day. But why is the stretch so bad?

Just coming off spring break is hard enough for most of us. We had a week of booze-soaked revelry, playing in the waves and letting our pale skin blister in the sun. Returning to your dorm, your classes, your school's no-girls-after-11PM policy is just plain depressing. "Why"� you think, "am I sitting here playing Snood when just two days ago I was doing body shots off a Hawaiian Tropic model in my underwear?"� reality has a rude way of slapping you in the ass and coming home from spring break is no exception. But it gets worse.

The weather outside begins to warm up. Winter melts into spring and fat kids across the country cry as they put their beloved sweat pants and hoodies away for more revealing clothes. One would think that with this warm weather everything would be fantastic but it is not so. Your professors tried to take it easy on you all semester and only now are they realizing just how much work is left to be done. They will load you up with papers, quizzes and presentations thus creating the student's ultimate challenge - go to class when the weather is nice? No one likes to learn to begin with but it's even worse when everyone else is tossing Frisbees around outside. Man, do we love Frisbees.

On top of this terrible weather/class paradox, the student is also assaulted with the reality school is ending soon and they will have to move back home. Mom and Dad are good for many things like money, free laundry and money, but the impending dread of spending another summer with a curfew and chores is more than many of us can take. Not to mention that in nine out of ten cases your town is a boring, lifeless pit that you swore you would get away from. The bars suck, your old friends don't really "get"� your new "identity"� and your little brother is at that age when he's "discovering his body"� in your old room.

However there is a way to survive the stretch. Just like buying a hooker, it's all about time management. I know thinking is difficult but I urge you to try. As much as we all like to say "I never go to class, dude,"� most of us do and most of us feel guilty when we skip. Therefore, I urge you to attend at least %60 of your classes. Going to all of them is out of the question - after all, that Frisbee isn't going to throw itself - but attending roughly six out of every ten classes will leave you with the perfect mix of guilt and free time. Try to do your papers but if you miss one or two don't sweat it; Mom and Dad paid for four years, they'll spring for an extra semester if they have to. But, most importantly, try your best to enjoy this stressful, terrible period of time. You don't want to be on your deathbed thinking, "God, those last few weeks of college were certainly stressful."� You want to think, "I can't remember a damn thing I did then."� That's how you know you had fun. Find that divine mix of pleasure and pain, hard work and hard booze and enjoy it. After all, summer is right around the corner and you don't want to have to lie to your high school friends about some hottie you hooked up with on the quad, do you? My friends, the stretch has begun.