For those of you who don't know, Manscaping is the term used for the strategic de-hairying of the male body. Manscaping has been around for thousands of years, but went out of style from about 1000 AD till 2001. Lately, thanks to, ya know, "˜those types,' manscaping has become fashionable again and girlfriends across the country are breathing a non-pubic-hair-choked sigh of relief.

Being properly manscaped has many benefits: less rashes, bigger looking genitals and a more defined taint, which is something we all want. But the true joy of manscaping is the endless creations of body hair arrangements that can be made. With a simple razor, some soap and an understanding roommate you can turn your hairy Italian pubic region into a literal canvass of sensuality. Sure, stubble is trouble but your wiener is cleaner"¦and thus ends the rhyming portion of this article.

Many men prefer to just go with the high-and-tight; trimming and shaving only the front portion of the pubic area. While this is the easiest and safest manscape, it really isn't enough. The high-and-tight is a lot like Washington, DC: it looks good from far away but the closer you get the more dirty homeless people - or, in this case, unsightly long pubic hairs - you see. Don't be half-assed when it comes to manscaping, commit yourself. After all, there is a good chance you could get caught in the act - a razor between your legs and soap in your hand - so you may as well make it worth the risk.

I suggest going for a full deforestation. Not only should you clean up the front, but get into all those places that haven't been seen since your mom was wiping your ass nineteen years ago. This, sadly, will require you to look down there"¦be strong, friend. "Oh my God,"� you'll gasp, "There's a whole tropical eco-system tucked between my upper thighs."� Yes there is and no, there aren't any neat monkeys"¦just pubic lice, skin infections and mold. Don't spend too much time admiring the scenery, though; you've got work to do. Start in the back and work your way forward, clear-cutting the brown valley and the twin peaks along the way. In about half an hour (add 1 hour if Russian) rinse off and admire your handiwork. If you need further proof that your genitals look scrumptious, I suggest sitting down nude on a sofa and showing your roommates what a great job you did. "Look at me,"� you can scream at them, "I'm in middle school again!"� They'll laugh, but only because they're perverts.

Of course, manscaping isn't for everyone. Many insecure men find it "˜gay' and insist that their girlfriends love their thick matte of nether-hair. This, of course, is false. Girls like an unkempt down-under about as much as they like it when you spend forty minutes on the toilet. Plus, what would you think if your lovely girlfriend showed up one night with a 70's style pube-do in her pants? How happy would you be then? Exactly. You have to give to get and if that means spending half an hour bent over in front of a mirror clutching your roommate's Mach3, well then you're just going to have to suck it up and get the job done.
 

I know you've all probably been reading these "˜advice for freshmen' articles that seep out of essayists and internet jokesters about this time of year. I always try to stay away from them because it's so hard to write something original about the topic - yeah, we get it"¦you a lot drink in college. Great detective work, bro.

Anyways, in an effort to be different - though I'm sure it won't be - I give you this piece on "Five Things You Can't Believe You Did In High School."�

5. Went all day without smoking. As a college smoker, you light up where ever the hell you want. Quad? Sure thing. Dining Hall? Who's gonna stop you? Campus security? Don't make me laugh till I cough. In high school you sat there for six hours"¦Six Hours at a time without smoking. Can you believe you ever had that kind of self control? Oh, you were also deathly afraid of getting caught if you did try to sneak a butt during school. Even if you were eighteen, the prospect of getting caught smoking was terrifying. What will I say to my Mom? How will I ever get into college now? God, what an idiot you were.

4. Had lots of money. Sometime around you sophomore year of high school you'll probably get a job. You'll work on the weekends and maybe a weekday or two. Before you know it, you've got tons of cash. You've got nothing to spend it on and your parents cover all the big purchases. "Wow,"� you think, "Now that I work, I'll always be this rich!"� Not so, my friend. Two weeks into college and you're on the phone every night trying to convince your mom that, yes, your Bio textbook really did cost $2,500 and "that's why I don't have any money left in my bank account."� Plus, you can't work a job now"¦when will you ever find the time to call home asking for money if you're working everyday?

3. Worried about your reputation. You used to be a self-centered jerk, huh? Everyday you worried about being popular and how to impress the cool kids. You told lies like "I don't care if the popular kids like me because I have my friends."� If anything went awry in your plan to stay cool - you farted during a test, you got your period on the bus, etc - you freaked out and predicted your forth coming social ruin. "My"¦life"¦is"¦over!"� In college, you could take a shit in a garbage can, sleep with your cousin, drink a shot of pee and wake up in the hospital and it wouldn't hurt your reputation one bit"¦in fact, it may even help. Oh, by the way, the kids that killed their reputations during high school for doing something weird"¦you'll never, ever forget them.

2. Drove. Wow, you used to have a car. Remember that? If you wanted to go somewhere, you just up and went. You didn't have to call your friend with a car, negotiate a monetary compensation, give him a time estimate, buy him beer, rub his back etc, etc. AND, gas was meg cheap back then. As opposed to $7.38 a gallon like it is today, I can remember filling my whole tank for under $18. Ah, those were the days...

Finally, the number one thing you still can't believe you did in high school is"¦.

1. The head cheerleader.

Man, what happened to you? Loser.

 

It's the season everyone's talking about.

Fall comes complete with everything you could want in a time of year: biting winds, cold rain, overcast skies, and, as if that wasn't enough, DEAD LEAVES! Rake till you ache all season! Say "˜Hello' to freezing car seats, corduroy slacks and wardrobe indecisiveness: is it going to be rain or just be cloudy today"¦WE DON'T KNOW!

This year's Fall features an all new Cold and Flu season, revamped and redone to give you maximum sniffling. Triple, I repeat, TRIPLE your cough drop and Kleenex purchases. Three months of unending headache and sore throat. Cough, cough and cough some more. Dry throat, swollen tonsils, post nasal drip, teary eyes, and DROWSINESS.

Plus, if you order now, we'll throw in Seasonal Allergies for free. Pet dander, leaf mold and dying grass can all be yours right now for the low, low price of nothing. Forget about breathing properly till December. That's three months, 90 days, 2160 hours of nonstop sneezing and mucus! Achoooooose Fall today!

Somebody stop us because we can't help ourselves from giving you MORE! Did someone say Pale Skin!? That's right, watch as your summer tan slowly fades away right before your very eyes. Have you ever wondered what your veins look like? Well wonder no more; let fall show you them in all their blue glory. Unsightly blemishes, once hidden by summer's deep coco tan, find an all new life in the spotlight once Fall comes to town. Never worry about hiding your imperfections again, because Fall won't let you. "Hey, what's that purple blotch on your neck? Is that a birthmark?"� You're darn right it is, and I have Fall to thank for highlighting it!

We must be crazy, because just for ordering now we're prepared to give you Mandatory Family Gatherings for no additional charge. Thanks to a joint venture between Fall and Thanksgiving, we're happy to announce that you will now be spending the fourth Thursday in November with your ENTIRE EXTENDED FAMILY! Gay cousins, alcoholic grandparents, abusive stepmothers, war-scarred uncles, senile great-grandparents and even your cocaine-abusing older sister will gather and argue about politics while feasting on overcooked bird meat.

Warning: Thanksgiving may lead to your Uncle screaming at the TV because "this goddamned quarter back couldn't complete a fuckin' coloring book, let alone a fuckin' pass!"�

So order now and let Fall show you what a real season can do. Just for your order you get miserable weather, the dead leaves, the seasonal allergies, the pale skin AND the family gatherings for FREE! It's everything you always knew you never wanted rolled into one AMAZING time of year!

Ordering is easy. Just look out your window every morning and watch the world slowly die around you.

Delivery estimate: September 23rd