MILFs are out, Cougars are in. For those of you who don't know what a Cougar is, I've taken the time to copy this excerpt from a very not-fake encyclopedia. Yeah, you're welcome.

Definition: A Cougar is a female, usually between thirty and fifty years-old, who enjoys the sexual company of younger men.

Breeding Habits: Cougars are only usually interested in men under the age of twenty-five. Also, Cougars are non-committal, choosing to move from mate to mate without ever settling down. It is not uncommon for the same Cougar to attack (sleep with) many different men in the same group of friends. Furthermore, Cougars are older and more practiced in the ways of snaring a mate so they will rarely broadcast their intentions to sleep with you until you are already in her Jetta, headed for the condo she just bought. It is this elusive behavior that earns her the name "Cougar."�
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If you're smart - and you're a freshman - you'll pay attention to the following.

Today: Dump High School Girlfriend - Doesn't "˜hooking up with a girl' sound better than "˜cheating on your one true love'? Yeah, we think so too. Time to call Jenny and let her know that when you signed her yearbook "forever your sweetness,"� you meant to write "Maybe we can hook up over Thanksgiving break?"�.

October 21st: Ditch Orientation Friends - You're old enough now to know that the kids you've been hanging out with since you all met at that "˜awesome' alcohol-free orientation carnival aren't your real friends. We know you don't have anything in common with them but still feel a sense of loyalty to the guys that embraced you when you were scared and lonely during those first days of school. We're also sure that you've met kids you actually enjoy spending time with and consider actual friends. Well, it's time to draw the line between those two groups. Four years from now when you see one of your orientation "˜friends' on campus and don't even acknowledge each other, you'll know you've done the right thing"¦plus, that kid still wears socks with sandals! Damn, why did you ever hang out with him?

October 30th: Stop Playing Snood - Seriously, it's not even that fun. Plus, you've already beaten all the levels in the trial version and you don't want to be the guy that actually pays for the full version, do you? We didn't think so.

November 2nd: Be Honest About Your Taste In Music - Ok buddy, now that we've narrowed down your friend pool, it's time to be honest with them about your taste in music. We know you've spent a couple months pretending to like all the stuff they enjoy, but you guys are such good buds now, you can reveal your deep, passionate love for The Barenaked Ladies without fear of being cast out of the group. Sure, they may mock you, but it's better than spending the next four years pretending to like O.A.R., right? Exactly.

November 9th: Ask Your Roommate To Stop Masturbating At Your Desk - Yeah, it's awkward, but c'mon, Tom; those are my good socks!

November 12th: Admit It, The Dining Hall Food Is Good - Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's so fashionable to rag on your dining hall's food, but you don't need to fit in anymore. You've already told your friends that you listen to Nickleback when your roommate isn't home, so why not tell them that, yes, you enjoy the dining hall food? They'll probably shyly agree but, hey, there's nothing to be ashamed of; Duane makes a killer burger and that's a fact, Jack.

November 18th: Stop Wearing School Gear Everyday - We know that when you first got on campus it was all the rage to sport your school's logo on just about everything you owned, but that time has passed. Most of your friends now aren't going to look at you and think, "Now, where do I know that guy from"¦I wish there was something on his hoodie that could give me a clue."� Everyone now officially knows where you go to school so feel free to retire that hoodie/sweatpants outfit for a while. But don't pack it too deep, you're going to need it during Thanksgiving break to remind all of your high school friends that you go a real college"¦trade school losers.
 

Ah drunk people...will they ever say what they mean? Below you'll find some common drunk phrases and what they translate to in sober language. I hope this helps you gauge whether or not it's a good idea to let your buddy in the car when he claims he's "totally fine, dude."

(Drunk Term = Sober Translation)

I LOVE This Song! = I KNOW This Song!

Dude, all the chicks at this party are ugly = Dude, none of the chicks at this party will talk to me.

Man, I'm hungry = Man, if I don't eat right now I am going to be puking all over this bar...again.

You're really pretty = I'm going to be ashamed of it tomorrow but tonight is all about instant gratification, honey.

Want to watch a movie? = Want to come over to my room for some extremely creepy back rubbing and some equally disturbing neck-nibbling?

I'm soooo drunk = I'm planting a seed in your head that will eventually grow into a beautiful tree which excuses me from blame for my actions tonight.

I just, like, want to help animals, ya know? = I just, like, want to get in your pants, ya know?

You're my best friend, man = You're my only friend in arm's reach right now and I need someone to pay for this shot, man.

I don't want to ruin the friendship = You're a nice girl but you're very heavy and I'd rather pretend I value our friendship than spend tomorrow dreaming up ways to kill myself.

This is the BEST night of my LIFE! = This is the BEST night of my WEEKEND!

Let's take a walk, this bar is crowded = I prefer my handjobs outdoors.

I'm totally fine, dude = I'm totally going to be needing a toilet or bucket in about five minutes, dude.

What's up, Bro? = What's up, guy-whose-name-I-can't-ever-remember?

Who wants to dance? = Who wants to watch me stumble around the party, waving my arms, spilling my drink and pile-driving my genitals into anything wearing a skirt?

Hey, did you get the notes from Bio? = Hey, I'm going to ask you about class because I'm too scared to ask you out.

I had, like, ten beers before I even came out = I'm, like, the kind of guy that lies about how much I drink.

Dude, I didn't even make it out of the dorms last night! = Dude, my girlfriend made me stay in and watch the Gilmore Girls season 1 DVD with her last night!

Now, seriously, who wants to watch a movie?