OK, let’s see here, Mr. Billings, right?  Great.  Well, I took a look over your application and I have to say it looks fantastic.  As you know, we have pretty strict hiring standards here at Brist County Bank and Trust and I’m happy to say your credentials more than qualify you to be a teller here.  So, do you have any questions?

Air conditioning?  Why yes, yes of course we have air conditioning.  Central air, in fact. Where does it come from?  I believe it is cooled outside in a big unit and then pumped through vents in the ceiling to the banks many rooms.  Yes, I agree, it was a good investment.  Anything else?

The vents themselves?  I believe they are made of aluminum or some similar metal.  I got a quick glimpse of the system when they were installing it a few years back and it looked like some sort of metal.  How wide are the vents?  I honestly couldn’t give you an exact width.  Would it fit a man?  I suppose so, if he had narrow shoulders, but I couldn’t see any reason it would have to.  KEEP READING

Hi, my name is not important because you will not remember me.  What you will remember is that instead of ordering a vodka tonic, I order a 'Grey Goose and tonic.'  You will also remember that my job involves doing something with money.  Even though i explained it for half an hour that is all you will retain.  You'll see me later talking to your girlfriend and when I make her laugh you'll get enraged.  Later, while you two are fighting, you'll accuse her of flirting with me and you'll be 100% correct.

---

Hi, I'm a girl whose name starts with an S.  You will remember that I have a boyfriend who I like to talk about while simultaneously hinting that I could be persuaded to cheat on him.  You'll remember that I went to a college somewhere near Chicago and that my grandparents have a summer house where you went for vacation one year.  You may or may not masturbate to me sometime in the future but your memory of me will be so hazy that in your sexual fantasies I will morph into your high school girlfriend, Ashley.  KEEP READING

  KEEP READING

 

Hey everyone, good news: we have some money to give away.  How did we get this money? Well, when companies advertise on our site, we carve out a portion of their budget to have some absurd contest and get some cash to the readers.

We have two contests running right now and each have a cash prize.  Better yet, it isn't even hard to win.  Wanna know more? 

1st Contest

What: Random Tailgating (Sponsored by EA Sports)
How Much: $500 cash prize, coolers, tables, food, etc.
How do I win?:  Set up a tailgating party at a random location and submit the pics. 

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2nd Contest

What: Creative Manscaping (sponsored by Wahl)
How much: $1,000 cash prize
How do I win?: By shaving something creative into your body hair and submitting the picture. 


Please, take our money.  

Chugly - A word used to describe an unattractive, overweight person. Combination of 'Chubby' and 'Ugly.'

Ex: "Oh man, I went home with some girl last night I thought was cute.  But when I open my eyes this morning, I saw a chugly beast sleeping next to me."

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Do you want to help expand the English language? Email me your submission and definition at streeter.seidell @ Gmail.com with the subject "Words" 

Poetry, poetry,
You're sly as a fox
Efforts to write you
Wind up on the rocks.
For you to be good
Your couplings must rhyme.
Your syllabic beats
Must all be in time

But why is it then
when studying you
The "best" poems out there
have nothing to do
With rhyming, timing
or making much sense?
They're all about "mood,"
emotions condensed.

So I ask you this,
What's so hard about
forming a sentence
with rhymes taken out?
Weird punctuation
and grammar forgot.
Seems pretty simple,
Let's give it a shot

Screaming eagles descend from the West
Chasing the sleep from my eyes.
BURN, they yell, BURN.  Always burn.  But there is you.
The
Wetness
Clings
To my hair, rolls down my face...to YOU.
BOLD
I wear what I will without
without
WITHout
withOUT!
you?
Twisting scenarios in my mind play out in REAL. TIME.
Without? 
No, I say.  WITHIN!

That sure was easy
it took little time.
Makes it much quicker
when it doesn't rhyme.
Poets remember
For your work to shine:
Writing is human
But rhyme is divine.

 

Hey everyone, a bunch of the staffers decided to take a few days off and leave the interns in charge of running the site. From now till whenever we all get our scuba certificates, your favorite interns will be taking the place of the staff.  We shall call it...
 

Attention Internet: We've obtained a full segment from 'The Ten.'  The movie comes out August 3rd, but in the meantime you can see a full clip by clicking the image below or by simply clicking on this blue text here. (don't tell the studio)
 

 

It's my favorite time of the week, it's time for the Weekly WYR. See if you're brave enough to choose a side in what surely are the universe's most difficult quagmires. And remember, if you've got a great WYR, send it to me at Streeter.Seidell @ Gmail.com.

Would You Rather...

• Have a new pair of ratty underwear every day for the rest of your life or only one high thread count pair? From John
• Eat Cap'n Crunch Crunchberries or Cap'n Crunch Peanut Butter Crunch? From Ryan
• Have constant background music based on your day to day actions or one random breakout of song and dance per day? From Darcy
• Go down a hill with your hands in your pockets or up a hill with your hands in your pockets? From Elliot
• Have a constant stuffy nose, or a constant runny nose? From Sean
• Know when to hold 'em, or know when to fold 'em? From Adam
• Be a really dumb gorilla or a really brilliant dog? From Jeff
• Be able to fly but your wings come out of your nose and never retract, or never have to pay for an airline ticket? From Chris
• Your farts be visible but odorless or invisible but terrible smelling? From Jeff
• Have a hair lip or a lazy eye? From Trent
  

Finally, this week's winner of the Wrong Email Award is someone who goes by the handle "AxxxA" in the sender area of Gmail.  He or she sent me this.

• Rob,  Hit me with it around 10 tomorrow.  I'll be home.  Peeze.

Good luck getting your email to the right person next time, AxxxA!

Send your best WYRs to Streeter.Seidell @ Gmail.com 

We've made a huge mistake. The summer interns we hired suck so much. Sure they do all their work and help us out with tons of things around the office and on the site. But at the end of the summer they're all leaving! What the hell? What part of summer internship don't they understand? Honestly, it's so weak.

So we're giving you guys another shot. Do you think you're better than our current interns? Can you make Sarah's coffee just the right temperature? Can you rub the inside of Amir's inner thigh with just the right mix of vigor and tenderness?

I will say this. Whoever comes here next has some big shoes to fill. One of our interns has enormous feet and we only have one pair of shoes that the interns have to share. Anyway, what are you doing in the fall? Want to come work here? We can't promise you any money but we can offer free lunch from anywhere plus school credit. Just send your resume!

Here's the boring part

Requirements

• Must be able to work 2-3 full days a week
• Must live in or be able to commute to New York City
• Familiar with the Internet and Internet culture
• Over 4' 8" tall

Preferred

• Sophomore or Junior in college
• Familiar with Word, Excel, Photoshop and Illustrator
• Familiar with video editing software such as Final Cut
• Over 5' 1" tall

We're hiring interns for three areas of expertise: writing, video and illustration. Make sure to note which of these you'd like to apply for and attached samples if you have them.

Send all resumes to YesIWillWorkForFree@Gmail.com

After all, wouldn't you like to get un-paid to do this? 

You've no doubt heard Avril Lavigne's infectious classic, "Girlfriend."  Well, I liked it so much I re-wrote the words, had a dude named Danny Vosk sing it, recorded it at Indaba Music Studios and got some of your favorite CH'ers to be in the video.  Hope you like it. 
 

It's my favorite time of the week, it's time for the Weekly WYR. See if you're brave enough to choose a side in what surely are the universe's most difficult quagmires. And remember, if you've got a great WYR, send it to me at Streeter.Seidell @ Gmail.com.

Would You Rather...

• Fight Sub-Zero or Scorpion? From Sean
• Only eat potato chips or only eat Pringles? From James
• Clean with the awesome power of Oxy Clean or use the inferior leading brand? From Nick
• Take it or leave it?
  
• Not shower for a year or wear the same thing every day without washing it for a year? From Sam
• Have a stutter or have a lazy eye?
• Score free Nickelback tickets and have to go or quote them in your profile for 2 weeks? From Robert
• Have a bowl cut or have a mullet? 
  
• Have sex with a person of your same gender or a monkey of the opposite? From Phil
• Have a paper cut between your fingers that never heals, always have a pebble in your shoe? From Caleb
• Have extra long arms that drag on the ground when you walk or tiny arms like a T-Rex that can't reach anything? From Josh
• Always smell like eggs or always smell like milk?

Finally, this week's winner of the I Can Spell Hard Words But Not Easy Words Award is Missy, who sent in this:

• Would you rather be an insufferable ass who everyone hates but who has alot of moeny, or be poor but be esteemed by your peers?

Send your best WYRs to Streeter.Seidell @ Gmail.com 

 

June 20th, 2007

Skin,

How goes our plan? Has the groundwork been laid? May I proceed with the plot? I await your word to begin the process.

- Sun

---

June 22nd, 2007

Sun,

Try as I might I have not been able to produce the mood in our target which is crucial to the success of this undertaking. I remain white, clammy and almost translucent, but he has yet to notice or care about my state. I will keep you abreast of my progress but it may be prudent to table our plan till a later date. Yours in conspiracy,

- Skin

---

June 25th, 2007

Skin,

I tire of playing this cat and mouse game with our target. To maintain this level of heat is taxing and I fear I will burn out before the mark is drawn into the trap. I have contacted Weather and he has agreed to blow in clouds and rain for the next week. Stay strong and fortuitous, for when the clouds pass we will spring our trap!

- Sun

---

June 27th, 2007

Sun,

Rejoice! While at work the other day, our target found himself the victim of a vicious joke. “You are so white!” one of his darker co-workers exclaimed at the site of my color. He then defended my color, saying that being in your presence made him hot and uncomfortable. Would Weather be able to produce some sort of magic by which the target would feel cool but still be exposed? Please advise.

- Skin

  KEEP READING