Things look a little different when you're drunk...

Stomach: OK, let's get some enzymes on that bread he ate last night.  We should really start breaking it down.  
Enzymes: Do we have to?
Stomach: Welllllll, I guess not.  Maybe we can wait till after he eats lunch.  I'm pretty tired.
Enzymes: Us too.  We were up late working on those Buffalo wings from two nights ago and....
Coffee: OH YEAH, MOTHERF*CKERS!
Stomach: What the...
Coffee: ARE WE READY TO DIGEST SOME FOOD!?!?!?!
Enzymes: We were going to wait till...
Coffee: SUCK IT UP!!!!! LET'S GET THIS PARTY STARTED!
Stomach: You're hurting me!
Coffee: SHUT IT, PUSSY!  NOW GET THIS MOTHERF*CKING FOOD OUT-A-HERE!
Enzymes: It's not all digested yet.  If we send it out it could rupture something.
Coffee: Do you hear that?
Stomach: Hear what?
Coffee: WEAKNESS!
Enzymes: That's not fair!  We work down here all day and all night digesting this stuff.  It's hard work, coffee.  It takes time.
Coffee: BULLSH*T!  I can do your whole workload in one minute!
Stomach: Yeah right.
Coffee: WATCH ME, SUCKAS!

Me: Ooh, I'll be right back honey.  I have to, uh, take a shower. 

Jesus and the Leper, Mark 1:40-47

...40 And there came a leper to him, beseeching him, and kneeling down to him, and saying unto him, if though wilt, thou canst make me clean.  41 And Jesus, moved with compassion, put forth his hand, and saith unto him, I will; dost thou have insurance? 42 And the leper saith unto him, Yes. I have Empire Blue Cross.  43 And Jesus asked of the leper, Dost thou have the PPO or the HMO? 44 And the leper saith unto him, I have the HMO. 45 And Jesus saith unto him, I am sorry, my child, but heal you I cannot, for I only accept Empire Blue Cross' PPO plan.  46 And the leper wept, but Jesus saith unto him, Perhaps another messiah will be along who accepts your plan.  47 And he sent the leper away from him. 

Jesus Enters Jerusalem, Matthew 21:10-21

10 When Jesus entered Jerusalem, the whole city was stirred and asked, "Who is this?" 11The crowds answered, "This is Jesus, the prophet from Nazareth in Galilee." 12 And the soldier at the gate saith unto him, Halt, for thy needeth the proper scrolls to enter into the city. 13 And Jesus felt along his robe and professed, Good soldier, I cannot believe this but I fear I have misplaced my scroll at this time.  But, I assure you I am the Nazarene for whom the crowd cries.  14 The soldier saith unto him, I believe you but I am under orders to collect scrolls from all who enter this city. 15 Jesus protested but the soldier could not be persuaded to stand down. 16 And the soldier saith unto Jesus, You should never leave your village without your scroll. 17 And Jesus saith back unto him, I swear upon my Father, I did not. 18 And then Jesus asked how long until a new scroll could be prepared for him. 19 And the soldier saith unto him, Six to eight weeks, as the cock crows. 20 Then Jesus shook his head and saith unto himself, Unbelievable. Absolutely unbelievable. 21 And he rode back into the desert from whence he came, shaking his head still.