Producer: William, we must speak with each other of this new play you've written.
Shakespeare: Ah, yes. My latest is the tale of a...
Producer: Yes...yes, the story is fine. More than fine, William. It's just that we at The Globe take issue with some of your word choices.
Shakespeare: Alas, my words are not a choice! My quill is the true scribe of this volume, I merely act as interpreter!
Producer: Right...right. Yet, we can't help but notice that numerous words in this play just aren't - how shall I put this tenderly - words. You've invented them, have you not?
Shakespeare: Someday, sir, these words will be as normal as a cloud in the sky or a rat in your stew!
Producer: Someday, perhaps. But not now. Listen, William, it wouldn't be such a problem if these words had a discernible meaning. But "lackluster", "impede", "tranquil"? I couldn't even begin to imagine what sort of intention lies therein.
Shakespeare: Sir, you're acting as a muddlelump! Simply read the words in context!
Producer: Have you lost your miggle, sir? To call me a muddlelump only serves to illustrate what a billyham you're behaving as.!slice
Shakespeare: Billyham?! You sir, can count yourself lucky I am an honorable plebicanian or I would have your nose betwixt my two figglers. So help me God, I shall not be spoken to with such...such qual!
Producer: William, please calm yourself. If these kind of hannyhocks continue I fear this meeting will dissolve into fistifinks, and neither you nor I are the sort for that.
Shakespeare: You are correct, sir. I apologize. When my wenny is up I fear I can become a bit hornish. But I appeal to you on bended knick, please allow the play to be staged with its original words in tact.
Producer: I just don't know, William. "Gloomy"? "Elbow?" "Advertising," for God's sake? You believe the audience will be able to ascertain your intended point?
Shakespeare: Certigishly.
Producer: Well, if you feel so strongly about it, I will let the play go on as written. But I fear for its reception, William. It may be many years before the populace at large understands an utterance such as "bandit."
Shakespeare: We shall see, shall we not? Good day to you, sir. Bestbigsby!
Producer: Bestbigsby, William.

George Carlin died of heart failure yesterday at 71.  Nothing we can say here will do more to highlight Carlin's massive contribution to comedy than showing one of his classic bits. Please enjoy his 'Seven Dirty Words' routine and realize what a large hole Carlin's death leaves in the world of comedy.

Click to Play

Brain: These are bad for me.

Nicotine: Shut up.

Brain: They're polluting my body.

Nicotine: Shut up.

Brain: The simple fact is that I can live without them.

Nicotine: Shut up.

Brain: I don't need...

Nicotine: Shut up.

Brain: Yeah, but...!slice

Nicotine: Shut up.

Brain: I...

Nicotine: Shut up.

Brain: Fine!

smokes cigarette

Brain: There.  Now I'll just stop and...

Nicotine: Shut up.

It was three in the morning and Asterisk was sound asleep in his modest home. In the darkness, his phone jolted to life, ringing and vibrating loudly on his nightstand. Asterisk's eyes snapped open as this cacophonous symphony wrenched him from sleep. Reluctantly, he felt around the nightstand and picked up. "Hello?" he grumbled.

"You gotta help me, man," pleaded the voice on the other line.

"I'm sorry, who is this?" Asterisk asked. It was late and the voice was unfamiliar.

"It's I. You know, the letter," said the voice. He hadn't heard from I in a long time. They had once been close, but that was long ago. I, being a proper letter, had always kept Asterisk at a distance. And as much as Asterisk yearned to be a letter in his younger years, he had lived a happy enough life with his fellow glyphs.

"It's three in the morning, I." Asterisk said, rubbing the sleep from his eyes and flicking on a light.

"I know, I'm sorry," I said, "but I didn't know where else to turn. I called Dash and he didn't pick up. I tried At Symbol, Exclamation Point, Ampersand, all of them. I even called Space, but it's like he's not even there. Believe me, man, I didn't want to bring you into this. I...I just..."

"No, no. I'm happy to help. Do you need a footnote or something? Did you try the Superscripts?"

"It's not that," I said. "I wish it were that," he added with a touch of remorse.

"Oh, do you need me to add emphasis? Is Italic not around or something?"

"No...no. It's uh..." I paused. Asterisk could hear him take a deep breath, as if the air gave him courage for what was to come next. "I need you to get in the middle of something bad for me, man. I just can't be seen here, not like that, at least. I'm so sorry."

It was silent as Asterisk slowly hung up the phone. I may have said goodbye, Asterisk had stopped listening.

"Sh*t."

Leaving behind the comforting warmth of our computer monitors, a few CH'ers are venturing out onto the stage this week.  If you're in New York City, make sure you come check out both of these historic shows.  Even if you're not in New York, we'll send an intern out to pick you up, drive you to the show, tell you what parts to laugh at and then drop you safe and sound at your door.  Or not.  Either way, you should come check the shows out if for no other reason than Jake may cast a lusty eye your way from the bright lights of the stage, you lucky thing. 

Tonight - Jake and Amir's first live performance ever will take place at the Street Meat comedy show at Cake Shop (152 Ludlow, 8 PM).  If you're not aware already, Jake and Amir make their own short videos, some of which we feature on CH as Hardly Workings, but most of which live on their site.  Jake has already assured me that, "please, don't promise anything ok?" so I can safely say that you're guaranteed to laugh harder than you've ever laughed before.  The show is free but you best be 21 if you want to get in. 

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Wednesday - Jeff and I will take the stage at Comix (353 West 14th, 8 PM) as part of The Rejection Show.  We'll be presenting some of our favorite rejected CollegeHumor material - pictures and videos - and, as a bonus, one of our favorite comics, Pete Holmes, is presenting his own rejected material as well.  Jeff and I have done this show a few times but luckily we have so much to reject every day we'll have a whole new batch of garbage to make fun of!  Tickets are $15, but if you use this super secret discount code you can get in for $10.  Go here and enter code 'JFRS' to get the discount. 


See you there!

Remember a while ago when we hired a new illustrator and he worked on a few pet projects for us?Well, we got a new one and he was cool enough to do some work on this awesome comic strip Jake and I have been brainstorming for a while. Enjoy.

Oh, and Pat whined until he got his own panel in this one as well.