Desperate Measures
by Streeter/Sarah 2 days ago
Brain: Hold on...hold on. I'm coming, sheesh.
*Brain opens door*
Body: Hey man...h-hey.
Brain: Jesus, Body. What time is it?
Body: It's nine at night, man.
Brain: This is when I rest, Body, you know that. What gives?
Body: I just, I just need a little bit of endorphin, man. J-just a little bit.
Brain: Ok ok, take it easy. What is he doing right now?
Body: Watching TV, man. Come on, I just need a little.
Brain: Listen, I'm not just gonna give you any endorphins without any stimuli. What is he watching?
Body: 60 Minutes.
*Brain goes to close the door* !slice
Body: Ok ok, let's make a deal, man, ok? Let's make a deal. OK, h-here's the deal. You give me some endorphins now, and then I promise he'll go to the gym or something once he feels starts feelin it. Cool?
Brain: That's not how it works, Body. You know that.
Body: I know, b-but what do you want me to do?! He just SITS there, watching 60 Minutes. I need those endorphins, man!
Brain: What about sex? I can kick out some endorphins for that.
Body: Chicken and the egg, man.
Brain: Well look, I don't give this stuff out for free. Get his act together and come back later.
Body: L-let's talk about this, man. Let's talk about what I can do for you. How about I walk to the library tomorrow, would you like that, man?
Brain: Goodnight, Body.
Body: Listen, I- I didn't want to do to this...
Brain: Hey...HEY, what are you doing?
*breaks finger*
Brain: You f*cking psycho!
Body: GIVE ME THOSE ENDORPHINS!
Brain: Alright fine, HERE! Take your beloved endorphins, Jesus.
Body: Ohhh, yeaaaah. N-nice, man, nice. Life is looking better already.
Brain: You know they don't last forever, right?
Body: Just, shh, man. Let him enjoy this. 60 Minutes just got twice as exciting.
Brain: Now go to the gym, Body.
Body: Why would I go to the gym when I already have endorphins?
*Body sprints away as Brain sadly watches him go*
Brain: Dammit, my finger. I guess a few little endorphins can't hurt, right?
Slacking off at Work: Worst Case Scenario Guide
by Casey Johnston July 14, 200810am
There was a 9am meeting. You are an hour late, and forgot your tie.
Once inside your office building, find a fire alarm. Make sure the guard isn't looking, and pull it. Barrel roll out of the way of the sprinklers into a stairwell. Hide in the basement until your co-workers begin to re-enter the building.
12pm
Your boss is approaching your desk. He has already spotted you with your headphones in, and you're listening to Cream. Only Firefox is open on your desktop, and all of your 5 tabs are internet games.
Mythical Creature Convention
by Hallie Cantor July 16, 2008
(Polite applause.)
Bigfoot: I hereby volunteer myself to remain behind the scenes, monitoring our efforts, as the two of you begin a timed attack across the globe.
Loch Ness Monster: You are too kind, my sizably-footed comrade. In truth, though, I must share my chief concern: that leaving the icy bosom of my watery domicile may prove unwise...in this changing climate. Let me remain behind.
Abominable Snowman: I cherish your generosity, but this fear is unfounded. Surely you realize that global warming is but a spurious myth! My perch in the majestic Himalayas offers me the best vantage point from which to supervise our attack. I insist.
Bigfoot: No, no, I will not hear of it! You will be too far away in the mountains. I shall be the one to stay back, and you two shall enjoy the glory of battle.
Abominable Snowman: I beg of you, be not so selfless!
Loch Ness Monster: Friends, it seems we are at an impasse. Very well; I will admit to the fear that smolders within each of our breasts. I am but a simple creature and as such I do not wish to venture out and subject myself to the dangerous gaze of Man. To do so would be to betray the holiest value in our credo: to remain shrouded in mystery, veritably doused in mystique, cast for all eternity in the ranks of a questioned existence, forever doubted and denied!
(Polite applause.)
Cyanide and Happiness
by Cyanide & Happiness 3 days ago
The Magic Hour with Magic Johnson
How long did it last?: Eight weeks.
Just because someone is good at something, doesn't mean they are good at everything. You wouldn't ask David Letterman to play point guard. Yet someone at Fox decided Magic Johnson would be a good host for a talk show. The man played in nine NBA final series, but America never saw him visibly nervous until he was delivering a nightly monologue and interviewing stars of the era like Dan Cortese. "The Magic Hour" was a favorite target for Howard Stern and his still-over-the-airwaves talk show. Magic the basketball great would have blocked it out and stunned the crowd, but Magic the talk show host -- with desperately low ratings -- had no choice but to invite Stern on his show for a calamity of a publicity stunt.
Late World With Zach
How long did it last? 9 weeks
For a brief period in the summer of 2002, comedian Zach Galifianakis's late-night program combined the traditional talk-show format with the absurdity of his stand-up to create a unique kind of variety program that at times managed to subvert the entire talk-show genre itself. Needless to say, it didn't last long on VH1, who would soon see the untapped potential in filming Hulk Hogan purchase tampons for his daughter. "Late World," which incorporated many of Galifianakis's performance trademarks (non-sequiturs, deadpan deliveries, piano playing, the elderly), predicted the comedian's more-recent work, including the warped Adult Swim program "Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job!," and a beloved Kanye West video set on a farm.
About Me
Streeter enjoys many things, not least of which is being your front page editor here at CollegeHumor. In fact, he likes it so much he decided to get paid for it and make it his career. He spends his days making sure you have enough updates and hotlinks to keep you from your work for at least two hours. Streeter also likes to write; not well, mind you, but frequently. Please, enjoy his archive.
Thanks for being my Internet friend.
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