Gain Weight

You've been at college for the better part of three months, and in this time you've gone to a few classes, made a few friends, drank a few beers, and made far too many trips to the dessert bar.  Instead of owning up to the fact that you now barely fit into your t-shirts and exclusively wear sweat pants, you continue on with your Easy Mac eating ways, oblivious to your growing gut.  On the bright side, you are not alone.  You'll be surprised to find that many of your friends, both male and female, have put on a few extra pounds.  Instead of wallowing in your grease-laden tears, throw caution to the wind and drink 13 Natty Ice's with your high school friends and then go home to drunkenly eat all of the Thanksgiving leftovers.

Every invoice needs a name

Every contract needs endorsements

Yet every one of these looks the same

They are merely office documents

If you have a copy of a document the office needs

Better make it two, it's corporate policy anyway

And be careful not to bite the hand that feeds

Or you may find that it hard for you to stay

Post-election Facebook is the worst. From liberals and their celebratory status updates to conservatives and their paranoid diatribes, social networking is more annoying than ever. For every few sane people with political opinions they can keep to themselves or argue reasonably, there's one person who never shuts up. These people are not of one affiliation, but from all over the political spectrum.

The Very Conservative adheres to a strict diet of Fox News and The Washington Times. She's positive that the world is going to end with a democrat in office and lives solely to tell you about it. Before the election, she was posting 10-page theses about how electing Barack Obama meant surrendering the country to communism. Now that the election is over, she's smugly suggesting that anyone who voted differently than her must be legally retarded. She's quick to declare America's inadequacy in electing a worthy leader, and quick to forget her candidate won the last two elections. She'd be willing to see America completely destroyed under President Obama just to say, "I told you so."

Sample Status Update: Gertrude is rolling her eyes at America. I can't believe anyone would vote for a Marxist, but I guess you can blame the liberal media for painting him as a savior.